It's Snarkurday!

Color me not surprised, but swimming moron Ryan Lochte is seeking treatment for issues with alcohol, after he, and this is real, got into a fight with his hotel room door in Newport Beach last week.

Lochte ALLEGEDLY returned to his hotel room at 3 AM and, rather than use a key like a sober person, tried to kick it in. Hotel management called the police but, this time, Ryan managed to avoid arrest, though it did push him into rehab.

Score? Door – 1; Lochte – 0.

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Also having issues with sobriety and making good choices is Pooch Hall, Daryll Donovan, on Ray Donovan, who was arrested last week after police were alerted to calls about Pooch driving around with a toddler on his lap.

Does he think he’s Britney, bitch? Worse yet is that it appears Pooch was letting his toddler steer the vehicle, because he was ALLEGEDLY under the influence. And it gets worse, because Pooch and two-year-old Djulian crashed into a parked car and when police arrived, they found a car seat laying among some junk in the backseat, not installed in any way.

Police smelled booze on Pooch’s breath, and he was given a blood alcohol test, which allegedly rang in at .25—three times the legal limit—and he was arrested for DUI and felony child endangerment.

Djulian probably won’t be removed from the home since Pooch and the child’s mother live together, and she wasn’t involved.

Still, maybe Pooch needs an adjoining room with Ryan?

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It was just a few months ago that Clayne Crawford was fired from Fox’s Lethal Weapon TV reboot after ALLEGEDLY scuffling with crew members and his co-star Damon Wayans. Clayne was replaced with Seann William Scott and the show was picked up for a third season but the off-screen drama has continued. Now, it’s Damon Wayans who wants out of the show after its current 13-episode run is done:

“I’m going to be quitting the show in December after we finish the initial 13… So, I really don’t know what they’re planning, but that’s what I’m planning.”

And why is Damon quitting the show?

“I’m a 58-year-old diabetic and I’m working 16-hour days. I’m too old for this.”

Gosh, you’d think he might have said something when they fired Crawford and just shut the whole thing down. But is this just a ploy for more coins? See, it was just a few weeks back that Wayans was raving about the new season, the new Crawford-less season:

“We’re only the first [episode] in but it is definitely a lot lighter in tone, and we are having fun, on and off set … It’s just a lot looser, nobody’s overthinking, just doing and having fun doing it.”

He went from having a lot of fun to overworked and too old in thirty days, so what’s Wayans gonna do?

Return to standup and tour the country because that easier than a steady job.

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Remember when Kim Kardastrophe was “robbed” at gunpoint in Paris two years ago. It was a fairly horrific experience for her because E! hadn’t sent any cameras along to film what would have been a Very Special Episode.

But still, Kardastrophe has recovered nicely. She’s still an empty-headed reality star married to an empty-headed lunatic and she also got paid $6.1 million from her insurance company for the stolen items.

Not so nice are those people who provided security for Kim’s big ass and jewels. Her bodyguard,

Pascal Duvier and the company he was working for, PROTECTSECURITY, are being sued by the insurance company for the $6.1 million they paid Kardastrophe.

But, hey, Kim gets her coins and E gets a new episode, and all’s right with the world of vacuous empty-headed reality stars.

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We haven’t heard much from Tommy Cruise of late, because, well, his career is slowly tanking and so he’s probably in a Scientology bomb shelter in Laguna Hills asking Xenu for advice.

But now, thanks to Leah Remini, who claimed that Kate Holmes could lose custody of Suri because she talked to Leah for her anti-Scientology show, we learn that it’s been years since Tom has set eyes upon his daughter.

Rumor has it that Tom could see Suri, if he wanted to, but doesn’t because she’s not a Scientologist. Tom and Suri have not been photographed together in five years, but a Co$ source—no doubt Kirstie Alley after being fed a bushel of donuts—said:

“Every person is allowed to see their child if they wanted to … He chooses not to because she is not a Scientologist.”

The custody agreement allows Tom to see Suri 10 days a month but so far, he has opted in to doing that a total of zero times.

Ooh, I see a Father of the Year award at the next Scientology HoeDown!

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Random Musings

We ate breakfast together; drove to work together; came home together; ate dinner together. Then, as we’re sitting down in the living room Carlos says to me:

“You got your new glasses.”

“Uh, no, they’ll come in on Friday.”

“Are you sure? Those look like the new ones.”

"Uh, I’ve been wearing these for two years, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re not the new ones that don’t come in until Friday.”

“They look like the new ones.”

And that’s when I reach for a cartoon frying pan to hit him in the head.

So, the foul New Jersey Governor, Chris “Krispy Kreme” Christie, attended a Mets game last night and caught a foul ball.

He was instantly booed ... so he opened wide and ate the ball.

Just sayin’.

So, now that the GOP, in control of the White House, the Senate and the House, cannot get their shiz together to pass a healthcare bill to replace the Affordable Healthcare Act, they have now set their sights on a repeal only mentality.

And it’s a worse idea than GOPDon’tCare ... according to the Congressional Budget Office repealing Obamacare would lead to 27 million uninsured in 2020, and 32 million uninsured by 2026. The CBO also projected that average premiums in the individual health insurance market would rise by about 25% next year, and inch over 50% higher in 2020, doubling by 2026.

Why not just repeal and replace the GOP? Problem solved.

So, _____’s lawyer tried to make the claim that the Secret Service was in attendance at Junior’s secret Collusion Meeting with the Russians last year, but the U.S. Secret Service is saying it ain’t so.

The President-For-Now’s lawyer asked:

“I wonder why the Secret Service, if this was nefarious, why the Secret Service allowed these people in. The president had Secret Service protection at that point, and that raised a question with me.”

The Secret Service snapped back saying Junior “was not a protectee of the USSS in June, 2016. Thus we would not have screened anyone he was meeting with at that time.”

Nice try, ambulance chaser. Now sit down.

In the Nothing To See Here File ... After his much-publicized, two-plus-hour meeting at the G20 with Vladi­mir Putin, it appears that _____ also met informally, and secretly, with Putin for an additional hour later the same day.

The second meeting went unreported at the time.

Like I said, Nothing To See Here ... Except More _____ Lies.

Caitlyn Jenner, Olympic gold medalist, reality show whore, has-been and ALLEGED transgender activist, is said to be thinking of running for the U.S. Senate representing California.

Seriously? Do we need another reality-show-whore with little experience in politics?

Caitlyn, if you wanna help the Trans community, or the LGBT community, why not do it out of the limelight instead of trying to live your life on TV.

California needs real representatives, not Fake Ones ... like soap actor and underwear model Antonio Sabato Jr. who is considering a run to represent the southern central coast and most of Ventura County in Congress.

Dear god ....

In This Can’t Be Good News ... new federal filings show that President _____’s re-election campaign is paying Junior’s defense attorney.

So the reelection money is for Junior’s legal defense? Huh?

And even more odd, is that the money was paid to Junior’s lawyers before the story of his lies and collusion hit the news, which kinda makes it look like they all knew the shiz was headed for the fan.

Lying _____’s? Say it ain’t so.

Delta Airlines has apologized via Twitter to hate-monger Ann Coulter after her Twitter meltdown over having to give up her seat ... and move over two seats, on a recent Delta flight.

Delta Tweeted:

“We’re sorry you did not receive the preferred seat you paid for and will refund your $30.”

Then they added:

“Additionally, your insults about our other customers and employees are unacceptable and unnecessary.”

Snap.

Yes, we’re still watching Will. It’s not as corny and cheese-filled after episode one and, Shallow Bob, there are so hot guys in it and it’s on TNT so you get some bare butts.

Hot Guys; Bare Butts. Two of my Go-To Wants in a TV show ... especially when there is some man-on-man TNT-type action.

So, this week we saw Mattias Inwood and his, dare I exaggerate, glorious ass. Along with Max Bennett as a priest ... a very hot priest.

So, yeah, Shallow Bob is still watching.

Well, it looks like Ryan Lochte, the bubble-brained swimmer who filed a fake police report in Rio last year to hide the fact he, and his friends, were a bunch of drunken vandals, will not be going to jail after all. He was cleared of all charges after an appeals court threw out the criminal charge against the moron.

Still, the idiot paid a fine for being a douche and also received a ten-month suspension from USA Swimming; oh, and Speedo, Ralph Lauren, and GentleLase hair removal system dropped him as their spokes-dumbass.

Now can he go away?

In the wake of his healthcare failure, his Iran failure, and his general failure at being the least bit presidential, _____ has decided to hold another one of his Ego Boosting Rallies to make him feel better.

Couldn’t Ivanka just have given him an ice cream cone and let him watch TV for an extra hour that night?

I’d like to thank the academy ... Oh, it’s not an Oscar, but a Blogger Award. Well,  okay, so what do I have to do?

Put the award image on my blog. Done.

List the rules. Um, okay ... ?

Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog. Thanks Toni at Wandering and Wondering. 

Also mention the creator of the award and provide a link; creator? Well, apparently, the creator was our Almighty Go .... Okoto Enigma, whoever that may be.

Tell your readers three things about yourself.

1. I’ve never been arrested, but it’s not for lack of trying; thinking back on things I did in my impetuous youth, I am still amazed that I made it this far without jail time, or being killed. What can I say; I was wild as a younger queerling.
2. These days I am likely to be in bed before 10:30 PM. But then I’m up by 6AM, so, you know, I need my beauty rest.
3. As a child, staying at home with my sister as a babysitter, I convinced her there was a man in our yard, thinking she’d take us to the neighbor’s house and we could go swimming; instead, she called the police, to whom I instantly lied and repeated the story. I didn’t tell my sister, or parents, the truth until the Statute of Limitations was up.

Nominate other bloggers. I’ll nominate you all! You get an award! And you get an award! You get one, too! Look at me! I’m Oprah!

Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, plus one weird or funny question. ... why don’t y’all take a shot at these questions ...

1. What author would you want to write your biography? Bob Smith because he’s gay and funny and named Bob
2. If your life was a movie, what would the theme song be? I Am What I Am ... or maybe Rose’s Turn ... or And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going!
3. Destiny or Free Will? I’ll take a soupcon of both, please.
4. Have you ever read a book that truly changed your life? I don’t know if it changed my life, but How Long Has This Been Going On by Ethan Mordden made me want to know more about The Gays and our history.
5. Who/What has had the greatest impact on your life? My parents; I learned about the simple things from them: love, for yourself and others.
6. Funny/weird question: If you could bring any fictional character to life, who would you choose? Margo Channing, because she and I would be besties.

Share a link to my blog's best post. These might not be the best, but they're the ones that stick with me the most ...Hurt ... Random Musings ... Singular ... Shake The Etch-A-Sketch ... and of course ... Mr. and Mr.

Carlos got done talking with his Aunt Gloria last night and told me she had wanted to change the beneficiaries on her life insurance policy. She wanted him in charge, and then she’d leave instructions on how to split up the money. Then he looked at me and said

“You’re a contingency beneficiary?”

“What? Why?”

“If something happens to me, you’ll get the money.”

“Excuse me ...”

“Why?”

“I need to Google ‘undetectable poisons.’”

Why the man loves me I do not know .... 

Random Musings

Poor Ryan Lochte ... he’s talking about that “incident” at the 2016 Rio Olympics and claiming he was suicidal in the aftermath of his drunken, lying about being robbed at gunpoint antics ...

“After Rio, I was probably the most hated person in the world. There were a couple of points where I was crying, thinking, ‘If I go to bed and never wake up, fine.’ I was about to hang up my life entirely. You can be at the all-time high and then the next second the all-time low.”

Um, Ryan, the low you felt came about because you got drunk, you trashed private property, lied to the police and then fled the country. You acted like a spoiled, self-entitled brat, an ugly American and a narcissistic tool.

It’s all you, baby. Grow a pair.

The _____’s are criminals who steal from cancer charities.

There ... I said it; and so did Forbes, who claimed that Eric _____’s Foundation—he’s the dumb one ... one? I kid ... they’re all dumb—holds an annual golf tournament to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital but has been siphoning money earmarked for cancer research back into the _____ Organization.

Grifter say what?

The lure of DumbEric’s tournament was that, because DumbEric could host the event on a free _____-owned golf course, all of the proceeds could be donated to St. Jude’s.  Except ... per recent tax filings, the courses were not free and more than $100,000 in donations were funneled through the Eric _____ Foundation back into the golf courses, ultimately showing up as revenue for the _____ Organization.

Like I said, grifters. And furthermore, over the last 10 years, over $500,000 in donations to the Eric _____ Foundation—money promised to help children with cancer—was re-donated to other charities “connected to _____ family members or interests, including at least four groups that subsequently paid to hold golf tournaments at _____ courses.”

If this doesn’t bother you then, well, you can f**k off because you have no heart or soul. Stealing from children’s cancer patients ... that’s the _____ way.

So, every year I start to watch Food Network Star, where the network pretends to find a new cook for a new show, only the winner does about 6 episodes of their “show” and then they are almost never seen again; except for Guy Fieri who must have something on a network exec ... but I digress.

Every year the show features the same stereotypes: the home cook, the sassy black female cook, the beefy black male cook, the country bumpkin cook, the pretty woman cook, the Martha Stewart wannabe cook, the gay cook and the hot guy cook ... or any combination of the above, as in the Hot Gay Guy Cook ... or the Sassy Black Beefy Male Cook.

This year was more of the same, though there were at least two Hot Guy Cooks who gave off the Ambiguously Gay Vibe and one of those was Blake Baldwin, the healthy food cook. Alas, the healthy food cook rarely lasts long and Blake, looking so sleek, and so sexy, and so kinda Clark Kent, was sent home. And so I decided to stop watching one episode in ... though I did manage to find Blake’s website with some of his healthy food recipes ... and some pictures of Blake looking hot.

Hot Cook.

I love clothes and oftentimes I wear things that are a bit avant-garde for the Smallville crowd, but I like what I like and wear what I like and y’all are haters.

Where was I? Oh yeah, odd clothes ... like lace shorts for men. Um .... no.

We all know _____ thinks life is a reality show; we all know he has a habit of signing executive orders that don’t actually do anything, and he likes to do it on camera, but this is beyond ....

This week _____ announced his support for privatizing America’s system of air-traffic control, and held an event in the White House East Room as though he was signing major legislation ... which he isn’t because he’s passed nothing yet.

Anyway ... _____ signed a letter outlining his principles for overhauling the air traffic control system and even handed out pens to lawmakers who had been invited to attend, while he reveled in several rounds of applause.

But _____’s announcement did not have any binding effect ... it was nothing; a show.  _____ surrounded himself with GOP members of Congress, who accepted ceremonial pens, but _____ didn’t sign any legislation. There wasn’t even an executive order.

It was #FakeNews. A White House aide told reporters _____ had simply signed a “decision memo”—a document in which the president says he’s gonna support an idea—which basically means nothing.

Like a _____ presidency.

The other morning, driving to work, I was listening to an oldies station and Carlos, who knows zilch about pop culture, pop music, pop ... anything ... heard a song on the radio and said:

“Rod Stewart?”

“What?”

“Isn’t that Rod Stewart?”

“No. It’s Bette Davis Eyes ... by Kim Carnes ... a woman.”

Oy. Blonde women are Madonna and raspy voiced singers are Rod Stewart.

I Tweeted to the president this morning ... “Bad news? Your approval ratings are down. Good news: the impeachment numbers are up.”

If this was his reality show it would have been canceled by now.

Margaret Court, a former tennis pro from Australia is decidedly anti-marriage equality and anti-gay—she says tennis is “filled with lesbians” and that transgender children are brainwashed with techniques akin to those used by Nazi Germany and devil worshippers—and now former American tennis pro John McEnroe is smacking back at her, saying her hatred of The Gays stems from the fact that Margaret Court lost her 1973 Battle of the Sexes tennis match to Bobby Riggs, who was later bested by ::::gasp:::: lesbian player, Billie Jean King.

“Margaret Court is telling us, ‘Tennis is full of lesbians.’ The way I see it, there are three options regarding this statement. Number one―this is true, and who gives a fuck? Number two―this is not true, and who should give a fuck? And number three―this is half true, and should we really give a fuck?”

And so many professional tennis players—including ::::gasp:::: lesbian Martina Navratilova—are calling for Melbourne's Margaret Court Arena to drop Court's name in advance of the Australian Open, but McEnroe has a better idea:

“Keep the name and when same-sex marriage becomes legal in Australia, I will personally call my good friend Elton John to host the biggest same-sex, mass wedding ceremony ever seen — in Margaret Court Arena. ... That’s just the kind of guy I am.”

I.Love.That.

California just signed an agreement with China to expand cooperation on renewable energy and zero-emission vehicles.

“The president has already said climate change is a hoax, which is the exact opposite of virtually all scientific and worldwide opinion. I don’t believe fighting reality is a good strategy.”—California Governor Jerry Brown

The President-For-Now might not “believe” in climate change, but others around this country, do, and will do the work the president will not.

Good on Brown, and California, and all those other mayors and governors who will do what’s right and what’s best for the world, not just the One Percent.

First Bette Midler is Dolly Levi on Broadway and now ... Cher: The Musical???

There was apparently a top-secret read-through in January and now the show is a go! Cher even Tweeted:

“Just got off phone w/writer & director of musical. There will be performance in theatre with actors, dancers, singers!! It’ll be on Broadway 2018.”

The show will feature songs from Cher’s catalog and chronicle her life—from her childhood to singing backup vocals as a teenager, to meeting Sonny Bono and how they made it to the top of the music business. After their 1975 divorce, Cher reinvented herself as a pop music icon and movie star, winning an Oscar in 1988 for “Moonstruck.”

A casting notice was posted in the trades last fall looking for the characters of Babe, Lady and Star ... who represent Cher at different moments. In addition to Cher’s parents, the show will also feature Bob Mackie, David Geffen, Gregg Allman, Robert Altman, Rob Camilletti and Sigmund Freud among its characters.

Wait. Did Cher date Freud?

Seriously, could Broadway get gayer?

I Didn't Say It ...

LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers basketball player, endorsing Hillary Clinton for president:

“As a kid, I didn't have much money. It was just my mom and me, and things were rough at times. But I had basketball. That gave me a family, a community, and an education. That’s more than a lot of children in Akron can say. There are a lot of people who want to tell kids who grew up like me and looked like me that they just don’t have anything to look forward to. That’s dead wrong. And that’s why I came back to Cleveland … I am determined to make sure my kids in Akron have what they need to become their best selves. … I don’t want to see any of them fall through the cracks. That easily could have happened to me. … When I look at this year’s presidential race, it’s clear which candidate believes the same thing. Only one person running truly understands the struggles of an Akron child born into poverty. And when I think about the kinds of policies and ideas the kids in my foundation need from our government, the choice is clear. That candidate is Hillary Clinton.”

Seriously, you have one candidate working for all children, and one candidate telling the Black community how bad off they are and yet not offering one single solution.

And keep in mind, Stop-and-Frisk is not a solution.

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Kayla Moore, president of the Foundation for Moral Law, on her husband’s, Roy Moore, suspension for blocking same-sex marriage:

“The ruling today regarding our founder Chief Justice Roy Moore is nothing more than persecution of a Christian official. This small unelected group of people, mostly Democrats, have overturned an election of the people of Alabama. All these efforts are being led by a guy who dresses up like a woman and prances on the stage.”

Where to start ….

First off, Kayla, your husband isn’t “Christian” official; he’s a civil official, okurrr?

Secondly, he disobeyed a ruling by the Supreme Court and that’s why he’s out, okurrr?

Thirdly, your anti-LGBT taunt there at the end proves you’re just as bigoted and narrow-minded as your husband, okurrr?

Sit down.

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Donald [t]Rump, on the twenty veterans who die every die by suicide because they are not "strong" enough and just "can't handle” PTSD:

“When you talk about the mental health problems, when people come back from war and combat — and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”

Lovely words; and this from a man who received five draft deferments, including one for bad feet — obviously meaning the ones he often puts in his mouth.

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Ryan Lochte, upset that Michael Phelps wasn’t there for him after his drunken night of vandalism and lying at the Olympics: 

“I was like, ‘Hey, can you please call me? Let me know, I need help.’ That never really happened.”

Maybe Michael Phelps decided that since your drunken ass created this mess you should get yourself out of it.

Grow up already.

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Trey Pearson, openly gay Christian rocker, on Mike Pence’s attacks on LGBT rights: 

“Governor Pence got one thing right [in the debate] — society will be judged by how it deals with its most vulnerable. Too bad he’s built a career on marginalizing the least among us, and is a part of a campaign founded on the oppression of women, LGBT individuals and people of color. If we do not believe in hate, name calling or bullying, we should not vote for it.”

And that’s it in a nutshell.

One candidate is using fear and hate as a method to being elected, while one candidate is offering ideas and inclusion.

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