Meme Dump

Money Can’t Buy You Class [or] What Happens When Parents Give Houses To The Kids

I am obsessed by celebrity real estate and how the so-called rich and famous live. More often than not the homes are designed to within an inch of their lives by a high-priced designer but sometimes a parent lets one of their children move into the manse and the child decides to take design into their own hands.

Case in point: Dr. Phil. He is one of Hollywood’s highest-paid celebrity “doctors” with an annual income of some $95 million, proving that being a charlatan on television pays, but I digress. Back in January 2020, Dr. Phil listed his Southern California mansion for sale and the listing went viral, with people all over social media poking fun  at the home, so let’s pile on …

The first clue as to what lie behind it is the gate, which resembles a tangled mess of tumbleweeds and branches, but then you get beyond that and the house itself is your typical Southern California Mediterranean Spanish hybrid looking m-effer. As soon as you drive into the house’s driveway, you see a completely normal-looking house, a perfectly livable home that many people would be happy to buy if they had the nearly $6M asking price.

With plenty of space for cars to park and exit as they please, the gate seems to be the only strange feature of the home until you take a gander toward the front door … before, it was a lovely, manicured space and then some sort of vomiting worm fountain was added and it’s all down a rabbit hole from here.

But first, the pool and grounds; in the backyard there is a stunning tapestry of flowers and foliage, with Roman statues surrounding the pool, and a serene dining area under a pergola. 

None of this prepares you for what goes on inside, other than the new addition of a fish puking fountain, so with further ado …

The real estate listing has made note of the property’s “eclectic finishes” but that description doesn’t do the home justice. When you enter the foyer of the 6,170 square-foot home you are instantly the star of your own Tim Burton fantasy. At first everything looks pretty standard, even considering the purple swing chair at the door; and while the color scheme isn’t my choice, it is a choice.

And initially, the living room looks like a standard living room, a kind of nice room, until you realize that nothing matches, and the longer you look, the weirder it gets. It’s mix-matched mess, with custom art and animal figurines surrounding the fireplace, but according to the listing, these one-of-a-kind pieces can be kept upon purchase of the property; as if.

And then comes the Great Room where things really get odd. The chandelier is Disney Evil Queen Castle, but it sits beneath a Beetlejuice, Alice in Wonderland  black and white checkered dome. But then you see the staircase, draped in woody vines that climb up to the second floor, wrapping around the bar with stools that have antler-like backrests. And then there are the many neon art pieces and colorful ornaments that appear everywhere in the home.

This second living room, which was described on the listing as “the fireplace” room, has a post-modern art-deco vibe, but there was no editing done at all. It seems like the interior designer—I kid, like they used an actual interior designer—had so many ideas that they poured them all into this one room.

One thing to note is that nearly every space in the house features figurines of rabbits and bears with no explanation; you cannot walk through any room without some faux animal giving you a side-eye.

And the dining room, with its creepy hairball chandelier and weird orange bear standing guard is enough to make dining out a necessity. Between the patterned rug and the patterned chairs my vertigo has kicked in and I am no longer hungry.

Of course, even if I were hungry the kitchen is the last place I’d want to spend time doing meal prep and such. Tio be honest, I love a black kitchen, but the shellacked back mess of cabinetry makes me think Hannibal Lecter is the hired chef.

So, let’s go to the Billiards Room … well, perhaps not. Between the blue painted floor, which looks like the heavy pool table was dropped onto, created the white cracks around each leg and another Beetlejuice ceiling, perhaps it’s best to go to sleep.

The Primary bedroom, with its soothing blue walls, though they look purple in the second photo, looks like a nice spot to nap, though that odd desk thing in the corner has me thinking it’s where Nosferatu sleeps; and then you have the neon Cheshire cat and that, what is it in the corner, a cat tree?

Perhaps the Beverly Hills Hotel is in order.

So, there you have Dr. Phil’s hideous house, but in the interest of transparency, a representative of the McGraw family wants to make it clear that Dr. Phil himself has never lived in the home and as such is not responsible for the lunacy of the space.

No, that honor goes to Phil’s thirty-seven-year-old son Jordan who is the one living in the home, and the one responsible for all of the … sorry I vomited in my mouth a little … design choices proving, as I said up top, this is what happens when a rich guy gives his son a multi-million home to play around with, until; Daddy decides to sell it and has to spend millions making it look less Tim Burton and more Beverly Hills.

Not Fries

It's Snarkurday!

She wrote a book called ‘Class with the Countess’, but it looks like Luann de Lesseps forgot the chapter on getting arrested with class.

Yup, the RHoNY “star” was arrested in Palm Beach, Florida last Sunday morning on charges of disorderly intoxication, battery of an officer, resisting arrest and making threats against a public servant. The former countess, who divorced her soulmate this year after seven months of bliss, ALLEGEDLY slammed a door, kicked a police officer and shrieked:

“I’m going to fucking kill you all.”

During her court appearance on Sunday, the judge strongly advised Drunky de Lesseps to hire a defense attorney rather than ignore the charges, saying:

“I don’t think it would be that hard to find you.”

The “Countess” left Florida for New York at once and isn’t speaking to the press. She’s busy writing an addendum to her book on how to graciously threaten to murder police officers.

PS Lu has since apologized, sort of, via Twitter:

“I want to offer my most sincere apologies to anyone that I might have offended with my behavior. This was my first time in Palm Beach since my wedding and being here brought up buried emotions. I am committed to a transformative and hopeful 2018.”

Yup, she’s blaming the wedding last January for her behavior 11 months later. That’s class, minus the cl especially when you hear the rest of the story …

It seems Luann de Drunkenness was discovered getting her groove on with an unnamed man in room 407 at the Colony hotel in Palm Beach just as a maid was finishing turn-down service.

Trouble was, Luann was registered in room 327, so neither she nor the man she was with, in bed, were supposed to be in that room. And so, a security guard was called, and he ALLEGEDLY tried for five minutes to get the two drunks to leave and when they didn’t he called the police.

When the police arrived, Luann de Drunkenness had locked herself in the bathroom and was refusing to come out. The security guard used his key to open the door, and Luann shoved one officer in the chest and slammed the door on him.

That’s when she was wrestled down and into cuffs, and just before, as she was being escorted off property, she slipped free from the cuffs and shouted:

“I’m going to fucking kill you all.”

Such class, getting so drunk and so horny that she takes her conquest to a different room, on a different floor than hers and tries to bang him on someone else’s bed.

Take the ‘o’ out of countess, Luann.

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And speaking of “stars” and bad behavior, Lainie Kazan was also arrested last weekend for shoplifting.

On Christmas Eve, 77-year-old Kazan—best known as Toula’s mom in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Andrea Zuckerman’s grandma on Beverly Hills, 90210 and Grace Adler’s Aunt on Will & Grace—was handcuffed by the cops and taken down to the station on a petty theft charge after leaving a Gelson’s in the San Fernando Valley with a cart full of groceries she didn’t pay for.

Kazan ALLEGEDLY filled reusable bags with $180 worth of food and was stopped by an employee who called the police. Kazan said she didn’t pay for the groceries because she didn’t have any money.

Oooooh. Man, life would have been better for me had I known that was a ‘thing’ when I was in college.

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Since we have kind of a theme going here, you know, jail birds, let’s keep going with my favorite ex-convict, Lindsay Lohan.

It seems Lohan owes Uncle Sam some $100,000 for unpaid taxes, but, in true Lohan fashion, she is blaming someone, anyone, anyone, Bueller, for the mistake and says she, Lindsay Motherf**king Lohan, is launching an investigation into her management firm to nab the culprit. Lohan ALLEGEDLY believes the team, and specifically one manager on that team, improperly handled her money.

Huh, an investigation into tax fraud by Lohan? I have more faith in OJ’s Hunt For The Real Killers mission.

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Last summer, Olivia de Havilland sued FX and Feud creator Ryan Murphy for using her likeness in the show without her permission; she also took a few potshots at Catherine Zeta-Jones over the latter’s portrayal of her. 

Well, the 101-year-old de Havilland asked a court to speed up the case because, well, she’s 101 years old and … yeah … but Murphy’s side argued that their depiction of Olivia was protected under the First Amendment and so they didn’t have to contact her for her “side” of the story.

And now de Havilland has smacked back. Her attorney argues that supporting Ryan and FX’s “First Amendment” logic would give docudrama creators unfair immunity, pointing to a specific scene where Olivia [CZJ] gossips about Bette and Joan, something the real Olivia would never do:

“Appellants [Murphy and FX] acted with reckless or intentional disregard for the truth or falsity of the challenged statements. … In that fake interview, Respondent gossips and makes negative comments about Davis and Crawford’s personal lives. Evidence that defendant made up a fake interview that never happened is grounds for a defamation claim … Respondent giving other interviews during her career about other subjects does not make the statements attributed to Respondent’ any less false. Mixing fact and falsehood makes the conduct worse, not better.”

I said it before, and will say it again, I think Feud: Olivia and Ryan has a place on FX, if this lawsuit ever ends!

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“Dr.” Phil is a quack. There; I said it.

Anyone who has ever watched his show knows that he is less doctor and more “doctor” whose show seems intent on exploiting people rather than helping them. And now, according to an investigation published by The Boston Globe’s STAT News, the “doctor” is ALLEGEDLY guilty of encouraging his guests to get fucked-up before they walk on stage.

You.Don’t.Say.

STAT spoke with several former guests, including former Survivor winner Todd Herzog, who appeared on an episode in 2013 to deal with alcoholism. Herzog was so drunk on camera, which begs the question why have him on, that he had to be physically carried onto the set by his family and “Dr.” Phil. But Todd says he wasn’t drunk when he got to the studio, and says he was told to wait in the greenroom where a bar was set up; and where he drank all the vodka. Todd also claims a “Dr.” Phil staff member gave him a Xanax to “calm his nerves.”  So, was it really a big surprise that when Todd came out onstage “Dr.” Phil gave him a breathalyzer and Todd blew more than three times the legal limit?

And ratings went up? And Todd isn’t the only one; other former guests ALLEGE that the show left them, unsupervised, in hotel rooms for 48-hours before they came on the show, and they say this caused them to turn to old habits like drugs and drink while they waited to see the bald-headed jack ass.

When one guest named Jordan started itching for heroin, a producer ALLEGEDLY directed her to Skid Row in Los Angeles. Another guest named Kaitlin, who was six months pregnant at the time, began to detox while waiting for her episode taping, so Kaitlin, her mom, and a show went shopping for a dealer.

I mean, if you’re doing a show on abuse, the guests must be clearly abusing drugs, right?

STAT also investigated the ALLEGEDLY shady Origins Behavioral HeathCare, “Dr.” Phil’s go-to rehab centers. Origins was founded in 2009 by Dr. Phil’s graduate school mentor Frank Lawlis, who has been an advisor to the show since it began in 2002. “Dr.” Phil sends many of the shows addicts to Origins, but he and his show don’t feel there is a conflict of interest at all.

Go figure. But there’s more; “Dr.” Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, recently launched a virtual reality rehab program called “Dr.” Phil’s Path to Recovery that rehab centers have purchased for monthly rates between $3,500 and $7000.

Nothing to see there, right?

“Dr.” Phil had no comment for the story; and Martin Greenberg, a psychologist who serves as Dr. Phil’s director of professional affairs, also had nothing to say. But it clearly looks like the fat bald bastard exploits his guests to line his own pockets and those of his friends and family.

Who didn’t see that coming?

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Random Musings

After spending time with my Dad recently, I realized that, while some children take after one parent or the other, I am literally both my parents rolled into one.

My dad loves to say about my Mom’s cooking style that she prepared enough food for an army but the army never showed up; Mom used to make a lot of food ... leftovers were popular ‘round our house.

And I’m like that ... I’ll make soup or my famous Enchilasagna for Carlos and me and there’s enough to feed the neighborhood ... or to freeze and have for dinner well into the next year.

And as for Dad? Growing up he was the Light Monitor; he would make sure that we turned off any and all unnecessary lights throughout the house ... sometimes while we were still in the room.

And I do that ... I came home from work the other day and, in the kitchen Carlos had turned on the light over the stove, the light over the sink, the lights over the island, the lights over the kitchen table, and the lights in the ceiling; fourteen lights in all. He had also turned on the light in the sunroom, the lights over the wet bar, two lamps in the living room, the hall lights, the bedroom lights, all the lights in the bathroom and the light in the closet where he stood removing his shoes.

I suddenly became my Dad ... poor Carlos. But at least we had leftovers for dinner ... by candlelight.

Mike Huckabee is saying that Donald _____ could be the greatest president ever.

Mike.Huckabee. A man who ran for president how many times and couldn’t even get out of the gates?

Yeah, I’ll take him seriously.

At the end of last month I posted a story about Tom Doyle, whose longtime partner, Bill Cornwell, had died and left Tom the Greenwich Village home they shared for fifty-three years ... see post HERE. But some of Bill’s greedier relatives took the home away from Tom saying the two men had never married and lived as roommates in a one-bedroom apartment for all those decades and so that meant Tom shouldn’t get the house; they should and they should be able to sell.

Now a New York judge has blocked the property’s sale by the dead man’s relatives and ordered them to show cause why Tom Doyle, as their uncle’s “surviving spouse,” should not be declared the “sole heir.”

Please; try to make it clear how two men, who had planned to get married when same-sex marriage became legal in New York but never did, and who lived together for over half a century, were not a couple and so Tom Doyle should be kicked out.

Oh, yeah, you can’t. Greedy Motherfuckers.

From the WTF File:

This week Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson was named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Seriously? He looks like an eraser.

From the Sit Down You Had Your Chance File ... more than half of the 112 anti-Trump protesters arrested in Portland, Oregon recently didn’t vote in the election.

Yes, they didn’t vote and when they didn’t like the outcome they took to the streets.

Sorry asshats, you don’t vote, you don’t get a say, cuz, you know, had you taken the time to cats your ballot, maybe the results would have gone the other way.

Sit.Down.

Um, People? If you were looking for Sexy Mens for your little magazine and could only come up with The Rock, might I suggest you take a look at ...

David Ajala, a sexy Brit with gorgeous eyes on USA’s Falling Water or ...

Deniz Akdenz, who plays Aladdin on Once Upon A Time where most of the fairy tale men are hothothot or ...

Juan Diego Botto, who plays a sexy Latino hit man on Good Behavior.

There’s some sexy men for you.

It must be Sweeps Month because shameless huckster “Dr.” Phil went to New Mexico and found actress Shelly Duvall, rumored to be suffering from mental illness, and brought her to LA to use her as a ratings get for his show.

Pig.

Again from the WTF File ... rumors are swirling that President-elect _____ is thinking of appointing South Carolina Governor, and virulent anti_____er Nikki Haley as Secretary of State.

I thought Rudy Giuliani was a horrid choice, but is _____ really thinking of putting someone in there who has almost no foreign policy experience?

I mean, why not me?

In North Carolina future ex-governor Pat McCrory is trailing his rival, Democratic Attorney General Roy Cooper, by about 5,000 votes.

But McCrory won’t go gently and is now filing election protests in 11 more counties.

McCrory, a Republican, is claiming voter fraud instead of just realizing he lost.

Go home, Pat, where you can pick and choose who uses the bathrooms.

An email scandal? Oh Hillary not again! How could you ... what? It’s not Hillary but future Vice President Mike Pence?

Yes, the Pence administration is fighting to conceal the contents of an email sent to Pence by a political ally while he was governor of Indiana. The email is being sought by a Democratic labor lawyer who says he wants to expose waste in the Republican administration.

But this isn’t the first time Mike Pence has sought to hide things from the public; after leaving Congress, where he served twelve years without passing so much as one bill of his own, Pence took the unprecedented step of sealing all of his records during his time in the House.

And keeping them sealed until 2022 or his death, whichever comes later.

Yup, Mike Pence is trying to hide secrets of his own, y’all. Go figure.

It's Snarkurday!

There are all kinds of theories as to why Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris exploded, but maybe it just boils down to Kewpie Doll Ego?

See, Calvin had a fairly big hit song with “This Is What You Came For” — I only know this because I read it, not because I ever heard the song … ick — but ALLEGEDLY some of the lyrics — differing versions of “Oooooooooh Oooooooooh” — were written by Swifty.

Folks say Swifty ALLEGEDLY wrote the song, sent it to Calvin, and they recorded a demo, but then felt it was wrong to work together on some sucky tune — because Taylor has the rights to all sucky tunes — so Rihanna sang it and TayTay was reduced to background Ooooohs. Then when Calvin was out promoting the song he said he wouldn’t do music with Taylor … and … cue Taylor Swift’s Teenage Meltdown.

And cue her people “accidentally” releasing information that she co-wrote the tune. Then cue Calvin, trying to make nice—saying Swifty is :::cough cough::: an “amazing lyric writer” and that she sang on the song too—but when Swift moved on to Tom Hiddleston the niceties were off.  Harris began Mean-Tweeting and even dragged TayTay’s Best Frenemy into the fight by saying he would not let Swift “bury him” the way she tried to bury Katy Perry.

Perry then piped up on Twitter with a GIF of Hilary Clinton giving some side-eye and then reTweeted some shade she’s posted about Taylor’s “Bad Blood” video:

“Time will tell.”

Now, seriously, these folks are too damn old and too damn famous for these kinds of Twit Feuds, but then other folks, less rich, less famous, less Swifty Robotic, started a hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsoverParty and then trolled Taylor’s Instagram and filled the comments section with snake emojis.

Taylor isn’t talking, or singing, but I imagine she’ll marry Tom Hiddleston as a way to “get back” at everyone and then “write” a bunch of grown-assed-woman-teenage-angsty songs about it to punish us further.

Consider yourselves warned.

Tori Spelling has learned that no matter how many times you cry poverty, you still gotta pay your taxes.

See, California has hit Tori, and her co-adulterer husband, with a tax lien to the tune of $259,108.23 in unpaid taxes from 2014.

What will Tori do? Probably pitch a reality show to Lifetime called Tori and Dean in the Slammer.

Lamar Odom is ALLEGEDLY drinking again … a few months after he almost died from the drink and the drug and the hookers at a Nevada brothel. But sources — most likely That Woman, his not-yet-ex-mother-in-law — say Lamar isn’t worried and can handle his drinking; or can he?

Think again because this week Lamar was kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess.

Waiting for a flight from LAX to NYC Lamar decided to beers and whiskey in an airport bar, and by the time he boarded the plane, before he even sat down, Odom started vomiting in the galley and the bathroom.

Doused in puke, Lamar was escorted off the plane by flight attendants while a cleaning crew came in and un-puked it … and then it got messier ten minutes later, when Lamar was allowed back on the plane. He sat down, then got up and, this time, made it to the bathroom before the hurling commenced and then he was taken off the flight for good.

But this isn’t all on Lamar … howsabout the bartender who thought it was a good idea to serve Lamar Odom all that booze, or the flight attendants who brought his drunken ass back onto the plane?

Seriously, if that was me they’d have slammed my ass in airport jail, but rich drunks get preferential treatment as long as they only puke once.

Puke twice and all bets are off.

In a prime example of ‘snark,’ “Difficult People” creator Julie Klausner says Hollywood stars only pretend to be pals — and that Gwyneth Paltrow is the biggest, phoniest “backstabber” in town:

“They pretend that they are [all great friends], but the stuff that is said about people behind the scenes is really terrible. [And] well — Gwyneth Paltrow — there’s many a tale to tell … all kinds of backstabbing.”

Klausner would give no specific details — perhaps after learning that Paltrow sells hit men on GOOP — but did say that Paltrow is now “into [Eastern therapy] cupping — maybe she’s cupping instead of backstabbing.”

I’d be careful of the stabbing comments … Paltrow. GOOP. High-priced hit man. Still, Klausner has taken potshots at Paltrow before, like when she Tweeted:

“Click here to witness the chemistry between Gwyneth Paltrow and Jimmy Fallon AKA the comedy version of ammonia and bleach!”

I wonder which one was Paltrow?

Dr. Phil is suing mad and aiming his gut at the National Enquirer.

Yup, “Doctor” Phil and his wife Robin McGraw are suing American Media Inc., who owns the National Enquirer published almost 100 false stories about their marriage imploding over the last 13-year period.  Huh; I guess it’s best to handle the nasty tabloid stories for a decade so you can get a bigger payout?

Phil claims the National prints a fake story about him and Robin every two months … like he’s a cheater … like she’s divorcing him … like how she kicked him to the curb. You know, the stories they print about every pseudo-wannabe famous person like the McGraw’s … stories like how he’s a cheater, or how they’re headed for divorce, or how Robin kicked him to the curb.

Apparently Phil threatened American Media with a libel suit before, and they agreed to stop telling fibs but then the Enquirer was all, “No, we’re still talking.”

Still, I wonder why the McGraw’s didn’t file suit … oh, I don’t know … thirteen years ago. Maybe it really is just about getting a bigger payout? Maybe the Oprah money is running out? Maybe, ALLEGEDLY, they are divorcing and Phil needs to cash for alimony?

ALLEGEDLY.

It’s been a while since we heard about Lindsay Lohan Crack Drama—which I have suggested as the title of the “book” she said she’s “writing.” But then she turned 30 and crazy came out to play.

To celebrate the milestone — seriously, many people thought she wouldn’t live to see 25 — Lindsay’s fiancé Egor Tarabasov took Lohan and a group of people to Mykonos, Greece for a party. Lindsay tried to get various companies or brands to sponsor her birthday party but everyone was like, “Lindsay who?”

So maybe that’s why she brought the drama ... Lohan was ALLEGEDLY—I kid, using italics! — after reading a text on Egor’s phone and shocked the assembled guests — there were at least three hangers-on — and Egor’s mother Elena — by hurling the phone into the sea. Egor, in a way of getting back at Lohan to really hurt her, tossed his drink onto her head.

Wasting alcohol in front of — much less on top of — a Lohan? That’s almost a capital offense in that family.

Luckily, security pulled the lovebirds apart and Lindsay drove off — careful Mykonos, Lohan’s driving — and Egor continued to party.

Reality show famewhores Kim and Kyle Richards are being sued by a woman who claims that Kim’s dog Kingsley attacked her at Kyle’s house.

It all happened when the “stars” of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills invited stylist Paige Sanderson to Kyle’s house to dress Kim for a promotional appearance. Hopefully not at a hotel bar … if you know Kim. Or at a Target store … if you know Kim … or a wedding in Mexico … yada yada yada.

Kingsley, already known for his aggression — he ALLEGEDLY bit Kyle’s daughter in the last year — lunged at Sanderson, bit and held on to her lower abdomen and crotch, tearing off her leggings and underwear and ripping out portions of flesh.

That’s awful, but it gets uglier because Sanderson ALLEGES that Kim Richards refused to call 911 unless Sanderson promised to cover for Kingsley and blame the attack on a stray dog.

Well, Sanderson was like “Eff you” and is suing Kim and the dog, and Kyle because it happened at Kyle’s house. She wants cash for emotional distress, cosmetic surgery and medical bills and I want a front row seat at that mediation to watch Kim try to Word Soup an explanation and watch Kyle flip her hair and giggle.

It’ll all make for a Very Special Episode of RHoBH.