It's Snarkurday!

Oh Robert Pattinson … go home, really.

It seems that RPatz, that Sparkly Vampire from the Twilight films, gave an interview to Elle France to push his new film BlahBlahBlah Who Cares — not the real title — and when they asked him what the worst thing people could say about him he replied:

“It’s going to make you laugh, but as a Brit, to hear someone say I’m American is the worst insult! I am English! Let it be known once and for all!”

Wow. That’s it? I could think of many more awful things to say about him, like …

“You dated Kristen Stewart?”

“You were in five Twilight films?”

“Like Water for Elephants?”

“Is that hair on your head or a dead cat?”

Seriously.

Speaking of stupid … Chris Brown.

He was supposed to perform at the Georgia Freight Depot nightclub were many of his fans—yeah, I’ll leave it at plural though I wonder … – but he refused to go on because, wait for it, there were gay guys at the event.

Oh, and it was an event scheduled and promoted as part of Atlanta Pride, so, um, yeah, back to speaking of stupid … Chris Brown.

Desperate for an Oscar — well, at least last year — Jennifer Aniston actually makes more money as a commercial spokesperson for things like Living Proof hair products, Aveeno and SmartWater. So, while she is in Atlanta, and presumably fine with the gay men there, filming Garry Marshall’s Mother’s Day it was revealed that she had brought so much SmartWater with her that she required a separate car just for her water.

Yes, Jennifer Aniston has a driver just for her drinks. I guess that while she knew Atlanta had a lot of gays she didn’t think they’d have any SmartWater?

Oh, but since she shills it, she gets it for free, so hence the need to have a SmartWater SmartCar and driver.

It’s week one of the nineteenth and last [?] season of The View and the first episode sparked controversy with the hosts already.

Candace Cameron Bure was announced this summer as the mew Biblical, conservative commentator of the show, but on the very first episode she wasn’t even introduced until the third segment of the show … or even listed in the opening credits.

Was it because the first hot Topic was jailed bigot and Kentucky clerk Kim Davis and producers didn’t want any fireworks right off the bat? Well, a show representative says:

“We had her on for ‘segment three’ because she’s not going to be on [regularly] for a couple of weeks. We want to build consistency to let viewers know who would be on for tomorrow.”

Uh huh, and it had nothing to do with the time this summer when Bure got in a heated debate over same-sex marriage with co-host Raven-Symoné until Raven effectively shut her down.

Yeah, so they might be keeping her muzzled for a bit.

Oh poor Joe Simpson. In the old days everyone knew he was Jessica Simpson’s dad, and the father of that other one, too, but since he left his wife because he really likes The Mens better, he’s been having a rough ride.

Like this past week when he pulled the Don’t You Know Who I Am card while trying to get into the rooftop pool at the Gansevoort Park Avenue with two male friends.

Joe, apparently dressed a little like Justin Bieber, with  one pant leg rolled up and multiple necklaces, and his “buddies” were denied entry by two security guards, and so Joe started begging, and then name-dropping.

“But I’m Jessica Simpson’s father!”

And then, oh yes he did, he took out his iPhone and began scrolling through his Instagram to prove he was Daddy Simpson!

He was eventually allowed in though he tells a different story:

“The guy at the door wanted me to wait for the head guy ... I said I just want to go have a drink. I told him Jess was my daughter. I showed him my passport.”

Uh huh, funny how Joe didn’t mention his two dates.

I guess that Friends reunion may never happen now … or if it does, they may have to cast Fred Savage in the David Schwimmer role.

See, like the Matt’s — Perry and LeBlanc — Schwimmer was also skipped from the invitations list for Jennifer Aniston’s wedding to My Future Husband, Justin Theroux, and he is not happy about it.

A source reveals that, while ding with Matt Leblanc in Beverly Hills — and the source cannot be Kim Richards since I think she’s been banned from The BH — Schwimmer  didn’t hold back on the topic of Aniston’s wedding.

Someone nearby overheard them talking about how they weren’t invited and said David was really angry. He was heard to say he couldn’t believe he’d been snubbed, because he was an important person in Jen’s life for 10 years and thought he’d be the first one invited. He then said he was going to plan a Friends reunion party, and Jen’s invite might just get lost in the mail!

Ow. Big time actress doesn’t get invited to has-been’s party? Ow.

Um, Schwimmer, to quote a line from Friends, maybe Jen thinks you two “were on a break!”

Beyoncé rarely gives interviews where she speaks because, well, either she thinks she’s too important to speak or she’s about as bright as a box of rocks.

Hmm, wonder which side I fall on with this issue. I kid, she’s probably dumb. I mean, she does lots of photo shoots for magazines and posts a lot of stuff to Instagram, but Beyoncé don’t talk, y’all.

But she is still appearing on magazine covers, like this week’s In Touch which is trotting out the d-i-v-o-r-c-e word again and that’s why she’s not talking. In Touch says Bey is tired of Jay’s cheating and tired of performing “Drunk in Love” with him, and in fact, they did not perform together at the Made In America concert last weekend, and they did not attend the VMAs this year.

So, she won’t talk so she won’t have to answer that question, and friends — okay, maybe not friends, but people with blogs … who you lookin’ at — say she’s already told friends and family that she’s moving forward with her life and will soon make a public announcement.

Uh huh. Look, she might not be the brightest bulb in the box, but she knows that Bey and Jay make far more coin than Bey alone.

Remember when Diddy was arrested for ALLEGEDLY assaulting the UCLA football coach who sent Diddy’s son home from practice for his habitual tardiness?

Well, Diddy didn’t like that so he headed to the school and tried to bitch out the coach, who refused to back down until Diddy threatened to hit him with a kettlebell, and now it appears that he will face no charges in the attempted assault even though it has been proven that it occurred.

Apparently Diddy will simply be asked to watch his temper and maybe take an anger management class.

Wow, it must be nice to have money so you can buy yourself out of an assault charge, especially when you’ve already been arrested once for felony aggravated assault and making terrorist threats.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.........

Friends hasbeen, I mean, actor David Schwimmer is engaged.
At 43-years-old the former Friends star has found the love of his life in 24-year-old Zoe Buckman, whom he met when he picked her up at day camp in 1998.
I jest.
He allegedly met Buckman in 2007, when he was making his directorial debut, Run Fatboy Run. Back then, she was just another nubile twenty-one-year old and he was just another geezer preparing for his first, post-forty, prostate exam.
How.Romantic.

Demi Moore.
Remember her?
It seems like just yesterday when, at aged 84, she married a twelve-year-old Ashton Kutcher.
I kid.
But apparently Demi, the original cougar, doesn't like the word "cougar."
Go figure.
She says, "'Cougar' has become so distasteful. I really hate that expression. 'Puma' has a sweeter quality, more elegant."
Oh, Demi, I have a better word for you: hasbeen.
Try on "career over".
How do you like that?

It's gettin' hot in the kitchen with Paula Deen, y'all.
She was asked to do something called the Celebrity Chefs Tour, where she would give live cooking demonstrations in several cities, but when the $150,000 advance check she was given by promoters bounced, so did Paula.
But she's not through.
The tour people are playing the bitch card, saying Paula just walked away for no reason, and Paula is suing mad. She wants a $130,000 for each event she was to do, and, well, she also wants $1 million dollars for defamation.
That's a lot of biscuits'n'gravy.


I've tried to stay away from the Rielle Hunter-Johnny Edwards-Elizabeth Edwards trifecta of dysfunction, but this is just too funny to pass up.
Rielle did an interview with GQ to talk about how she isn't a whore and a stalker and a husband stealer, and how Elizabeth is really Elizabitch. Rielle told her story and then posed for pictures.
They gave her a man's shirt and no pants. No.Pants. And she posed in them. But now, and this is rich, Rielle is upset because she had no idea they would use the pictures of her without the pants, spread out on a child's bed, surrounded by stuffed animals.
Really? Rielle? What an idiot!
Now, GQ is fighting back, releasing videotaped footage of the photoshoot where Rielle is asked to look at the pants-less pics, and gives her approval! GQ reporter, Lisa DePaulo says, "Did she say she thought they would be headshots? Rielle is a smart woman. She knows what she wore and what she was doing in the photo shoot."
Rielle is a photographer and photo-journalist, but she don't know nothing 'bout taking no pitchers.

And, of course, more Charlie Sheen news.
The alleged drug-addict-wife-beating-alcoholic has enlisted the aid of a, ahem, "sober" coach to keep him away from the booze while he's on the set. No mention of whether or not there is a "crack coach" or a "porn coach".
According to a source, “Charlie wants to get clean. He’s got his demons and he knows it. But he’s doing everything he can right now.”
No, he wants to keep his fat white ass out of jail. And, when you consider that he apparently had a "sober coach" around when he went on a drunken rage last Christmas and allegedly pulled a knife on his wife, well, you wonder how much good the coaching will do. I mean, in Charlie's world, a "sober coach" is someone who tells him how to make a great dirty martini.

Looks like Paula Abdul may have a new job.
After leaving the judging seat on American Idol, and floating around in a stupor, Paula has been approached to sit at the judges table, or maybe even host, a reboot of Star Search.
From whacked out judge to whacked out judge. Not so much as a step up as a step over.
The new Star Search is supposedly set to debut this summer, would not allow Paula to work on Simon Cowell's Americanized The X Factor show.
But, Paula as a host? Who's gonna prop her up when her arms start going all willy-nilly, and will there be a translator on set to tell the audience what she said?

Allegedly, Kate Gosselin is a giant bitch media whore. And, judging by the photo, a little "rode hard and put away wet".
Well, others used the words “total diva” but I like mine.
Everyone on the set of Dancing With the Stars, from cast members, hired dancers, judges, stage-hands, the band, studio audience, and janitorial assistants hate her.
Poor Kate. All she wants to do is be a mother for her eight children while appearing on every single TV show she can and spending as much time away from her kids as possible.
The gossipmill is churning out news that she’s snubbing other cast members and being demanding to the crew. From an 'insider': “Kate doesn’t want anything to do with other contestants . . . While there’s a lot of camaraderie among the crew and other stars including Pamela Anderson, Kate has set herself apart . . . She wants to be queen bee.”
Yeah, Kate, you don't wanna be snubbin' Shannen Doherty. She'll cut a bitch. I know, because, well, let's just say, once, outside the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood, I met up with a drunken, knife-wielding Doherty, and a bitch was cut.
I have the scars to prove it.

Oprah's getting sued again.
No, not by the beef folks. And not by the cake folks. And not by the diet folks.
She is being sued by Nomvuyo Mzamane, who was the former headmistress of Oprah's South African school. She was dismissed from her position when she was charged for abusing the students.
Nomvuyo says the charges are lies and occurred only when the Big O defamed her during a press conference back in 2007.A judge has ruled that there is sufficient evidence to make O put down the snack cakes, have her dressers dress her, her hair and make-up people primp and prune her, her driver take her to the airport so she can board her private plane, loaded with snack cakes, and fly to Philadelphia to appear in court.
I see a mad run on Philly Cheese Steaks. Get 'em while you can. Oprah will hit town on the 29th.
Consider yourselves warned.