Meme Dump

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Last time I posted about soap actor Steve Burton it was to discuss him getting fired from General Hospital over refusal to follow COVID mandates. But Burton is back now because he and his wife of 23 years, Sheree Burton, are divorcing, even though she’s pregnant for the fourth time.

I guess since Burton worked on a soap opera, his life is a little like a soap opera, and he released a statement about the end of his marriage:

“I wanted to clear something  up. Sheree and I are separated. She recently announced she’s expecting her fourth child. The child is not mine.”

Ouch.

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It’s kinda sad when you try to reboot a once-beloved TV show and all anyone can talk about is the one actor, and character, who didn’t come back, but that’s all the Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That is about: Samantha and Kim Cattrall.

Kim didn’t make the TV reboot because when she was asked to be part of a third SATC movie she gave a firm ‘Not interested’:

“Everything in me went, ‘I’m done.’ That’s a no. It’s powerful to say no. It’s a great wisdom to know when enough is enough. I also didn’t want to compromise what the show was to me. The way forward seemed clear.”

And then we had to listen to Sarah Jessica Parker and show creator Michael Patrick King go on and on and on about how much they loved Cattrall and her character, but she wasn’t coming back to the show anyway, anywhere, anytime, ever.

Cut to Cattrall going, Duh. I told y’all that three years ago.

And since SJP and MPK keep talking about Kim and Samantha, Cattrall did a recent interview with Variety to promote Peacock’s reimagining of Queer as Folk and her role as the narrator on How I Met Your Father and discussed the show:

“I was never asked to be part of the reboot. I made my feelings clear after the possible third movie, so I found out about it like everyone else did—on social media.”

But one thing she has never discussed is why she refused to come back, and on this one, I am, still and always, #TeamKim. See, her story in the third film was to be about Miranda’s son sending her dick pics, and Kim thought that a lazy stupid storyline and so she passed, though she did offer her own thoughts:

“Why can’t Samantha, who owns her PR company – maybe she had to sell it because of financial woes? 2008 was tough. Some people are still recovering. She had to sell it to some guy who’s wearing a hoodie, and that’s the dilemma she has. I mean that’s a scenario that was kind of off the top of one of my reps’ heads, and I thought that’s a great idea. That’s a conflict. Instead of an underage boy’s … “

Cattrall revealed the original script o the third film was to be about Big’s death and brought a little shade:

“The [new] series is basically the third movie. That’s how creative it was.”

Ouch. And as for SJP making it known that she would not be okay with Kim coming back to the show, Kim says she never heard that so she has no comment. And she has no comment about the reboot because she, like a great many people, has never watched it.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that really the greatest compliment I could have as an actor is to be missed. And as difficult as it was, and as scary as it is to stand up and not be bullied by the press or the fans or whomever—to just say, ‘I’m good. I’m on this track. It was so great working with you. I so enjoyed it, but I’m over here.’”

And that’s how you do it.

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Oh, talk about self-involved and delusional.

At the start of COVID, the world was locked down for months, but we slowly came outside to see what the new world was like but one  person didn’t; she continued to stay home.

Oprah Winfrey recently revealed that she locked herself in  her house, well, I imagine it was several of her houses, for almost a year, because of the pandemic.

But let’s say it was just one home, most likely her home in Montecito, California. Yes, she stayed locked up with her companion Steadman Graham and a full staff of maids and cooks and gardeners to take care of her 23,000 square foot house with an Olympic-sized pool, a movie theater, six bedrooms, 14 bathrooms, a gourmet kitchen and wine cellar, library, theater, and 10 fireplaces.

Oh, poor Oprah.

Try being one of the millions of folks out of work during the pandemic and struggling to pay rent on their one-bedroom apartment and buy food and just plain survive while you lounged by the pool and walked the gardens and picked a wine from the cellar for dinner,

And then kindly fuck all the way off.

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Picture Romancing the Stone without Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner; picture their amazing chemistry that “almost” led to an affair and did lead to a couple of other movies together. Now, picture Romancing the Stone with Michael Douglas and … Debra Winger.

Back in the 80s, Winger was the ‘It’ girl after roles in An Officer and a Gentleman and Terms of Endearment, so she was considered for the role in Romancing the Stone. Douglas and director Robert Zemeckis set up a dinner meeting with Winger and that’s when things went weird and Debra’s name was scratched off the list of co-stars.

According to Douglas, he and Zemeckis met Winger at a Mexican restaurant in Texas while she was shooting “Terms of Endearment” hoping to cast her as Joan, but the dinner didn’t go as planned:

“She comes out for us to have a dinner one night and we all have dinner together and we are talking and knocking back some tequilas and this and that. We walk out and, just as you would kind of go, ‘Oh you!’ and give someone a little punch in the arm, you know, like a joke-around, she goes, ‘Oh you!’ and she reaches over and she bites me—on my arm.”

Douglas said he screamed in pain.

“She’s like jokey and I’m looking at her, ‘I don’t know, man’—I’m thinking ‘this could be rough’ and she seems interested and I go back and she’s broken the skin. I break down in tears and say, ‘I can’t go to the jungle with her—she bit me in the arm!’ I said, ‘I can’t do it!'”

And studio executives agreed not to cast Winger but come on, he cried? He cried? Now I wanna know from Winger if Douglas tasted like chicken cuz it sure sounds like it.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Mark me down in the ‘Sorry, Not Sorry’ column, but word has it that Lori Loughlin, who started her prison sentence at the end of October in a low-security prison for non-violent offenders, is having a hard time.

Sources, and that may be Lori’s prison bitch  who carries her tray in the dining hall and makes her bed every day, says the self-entitled, cheater mom is a “wreck. I don’t know why; she was  originally set to do time at Victorville Federal Correctional, where she could have done Pilates and Origami, but was instead sent to the Dublin, California prison,  a much lower-security cushy prison, because they had “lower COVID-19 numbers.”

Again, the rich get a better hand.

Lori was hoping to be out by Christmas but should have learned to count because a two-month jail sentence that starts October 30 ends December 30 … after Christmas.

Again … sorry, not sorry.

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Gwyneth Paltrow is back with her GOP Holiday Gift Guides which feature things 99% of you cannot afford … like a $100,000 custom concrete self-heating tub. Or maybe you’d like the Tsuchiya Kaban “Watermelon Bag” which is yours for … oops, the price is only given “on request.” 

But look, Gwynnie is a One-Percenter of the people and has added a ‘Poor People Section’ Gwynnie called the ‘Under-$100” where you can find the Vesper Vibrator … it starts as a necklace and turns into a vibrator with one click! A vibrator to wear around your neck? How GOOP. But in GOOP’s ‘Lovers Gift Guide’ she goes one better, and offers a ring that is also … wait for it … a vibrator.

Jewelry to get your rocks off!

But in case you don’t like jewelry in your cooch, GOOP also offers a $2,000 Edie Parker Ouija board to summon only the best demons to your manse. Or, the over-priced Monopoly “sculpting bar” for your face, which also vibrates; an over-priced puzzle; over-priced baby clothes; a $12,000 hover-board/surfboard. And finally, a hideous Gucci chair, which is maybe what you sit on when you take off your rings and necklaces, shove them in your nether regions, and then set them to high vibrate?

Now you know what to do with that stimulus check!

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Oh, dear goddess, this Mo’Nique vs. Oprah feud is still going on, only now it may have really jumped the shark. It seems Mo’Nique went after Oprah for putting Breonna Taylor on the cover of O magazine, after decades of only Oprah—and the occasional friend—gracing the cover. So Mo’Nique opened her cake-hole to say that O only put Breonna on the cover because she’s a murder victim, and because Oprah is a murderer who … wait for it … it’s a reach … but not for Mo’Nique … killed Mo’Nique’s career:

“A sister that was murdered and Oprah Winfrey took a stand and said ‘we gotta get justice' [but she] took part in murdering my career.”

A brief history of the Mo’Nique-Oprah feud? It started in 2010 when Oprah had Mo’Nique’s estranged parents and brothers—one of whom molested Mo’Nique—on her show. Mo’Nique saw this as a betrayal and told Oprah she was hurt and O gave the standard faux-pology, “If you think I did something wrong, then I apologize." But then Mo'’Nique accused Oprah of helping Lee Daniels blackball her for not playing the Hollywood game. And Mo’Nique called her out for condemning Harvey Weinstein but giving alleged sexual assaulters like Michael Jackson and Russell Simmons a break because of their race. But Oprah’s standard reply is that she remains silent to rise above Mo’Nique’s “negative energy.”

Seriously, what a bitch response. Now y’all know there’s no love lost between Oprah and me, but even this is a step too far. Mo’Nique doesn’t need a ‘come to Jesus moment;’ as much as she needs a come to your sense’s moment.

And Oprah should just go away.

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There’s some more drama going on around Hillsong Church, the church popular with Justin Bieber and Chris Pratt, only this time it isn’t because of the church’s ALLEGEDLY anti-gay sentiments, but because the pastor of the church, and The Biebs homie, Carl Lentz ALLEGEDLY stuck his dick into someone other than his wife. The church claims Lentz suffered a “moral failure” and has been let go from the church.

Founder of Hillsong, Brian Houston, announced Carl’s firing in a statement:

“Today Hillsong Church East Coast advised our congregation that we have terminated the employment of Pastor Carl Lentz. This action was not taken lightly and was done in the best interests of everyone, including Pastor Carl. [This comes after] ongoing discussions in relation to leadership issues and breaches of trust, plus a recent revelation of moral failures.”

Houston said it would “not be appropriate” to detail what led to Carl getting the boot but I can: Carl was ALLEGEDLY fired for being pro-BLM and “soft” on both abortion and LGBTQIA issues, though there are those who will gossip and say it was more alcohol and drug-related issues or Lentz has a porn addiction and cheated on his wife.

Or maybe all of the above.

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Now, while this isn’t gossip, because it’s true, I will end with a comment from My-Husband-In-My-Head, Randy Andy Cooper.

On Thursday night, _____ delivered a speech in which he claimed that the election was being stolen from him. Cable news networks swiftly denounced the president’s lies, with MSNBC, NBC, ABC, and CBS all cutting away from the press conference while it was still in progress, and even Fox News, which continued to carry the briefing, said there was no evidence of fraud. CNN anchors Jake Tapper called _____ “pathetic” while Dana Bash called him “dangerous” and “nonsensical,” but it was Anderson Cooper who said:

“That is the president of the United States. That is the most powerful person in the world. We see him like an obese turtle on his back flailing in the hot sun, realizing his time is over.”

Oh, I love a sassy Husband-In-My-Head.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Big Pandemic News! Oprah Winfrey cannot make her own bed.

Yup, with a crisis going on around the country, Oprah has been forced to do her own chores, and took to Instagram to complain that she didn’t know how to properly stuff a duvet into a duvet cover.

Hey O? Gimme a call. I’ll tell you how to stuff it.

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This was supposed to be Anna Wintour’s week. As always, the first Monday in May would find Anna Wintour perched atop the Metropolitan Museum of Art stairs in couture to preside over the Met gala. But then came COVID-19 and the party was shut down.

And out came former BFF André Leon Talley and his memoir, Chiffon Trenches, in which he trashes Wintour as a horrible friend and vicious human.

Now it’s Talley’s friend, designer Ralph Rucci, choosing to fan the flames on Wintour Dirt, writing on Instagram:

“[The] door has been OPENED WIDE [to criticize Wintour] … There has been so much personal evil and destruction, and now perhaps others will feel safe to speak.”

In simpler times, the very idea of bashing Nuclear Wintour would have been career suicide, but times have changed. Some industry insiders are relishing this Battle Royale because it “vindicates” those who have felt snubbed by Wintour over the years and exposes cracks in the almighty power she once[?] wielded over her fashion magazine empire.

Talley’s book was scheduled to drop this week, the week of the Met Gala, but was moved to September because of the pandemic. However, with juicy tidbits being released, and people coming forward with their tales of horror, the book will come out next week.

May is not a good month for Wintour. I think she may cancel the whole month next year. If she still wields any power.

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French Canadian musician—at least that’s what they say—Grimes gave birth to her first child, a boy, with Elon Musk. I know, who cares, right?

But remember back in the good old days when Contagion Paltrow named her daughter Apple and people freaked out? Times change … Musk and Grimes … sounds like a pandemic right there … named their little boy:

X Æ A-12 Musk.

And they’ve already picked out a therapist for the child to work through his soon-to-appear issues. First, though, they need to figure out how to pronounce it.

The state of California took one look at the birth certificate and said:

“Oh, hell no.”

You see, California state law does not allow some Xenu Scientology captcha ass mathematical equation bull. Names can only use the 26 alphabetical characters of the English language, according to the state constitution.

I suggest: XAEATWELVE, cuz that makes just as much sense.

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Elly Jackson, the lead singer of the pop act La Roux, appeared on Phil Taggart‘s podcast last March but the gossip is just now coming out because … who is Elly Jackson?

Yeah; I don’t know either, but … Elly dished on working with Republican Christian Nutcase Kanye West back in 2010, saying he’s not “100% normal” and when she told a mutual friend about his weird-ass behavior, Kanye demanded an apology letter from him.

Now, perhaps he wanted the letter because this isn’t the first time Elly has trashed Kanye. In 2014, she was first asked about working with him and said:

“No, fuck him. Nobody likes him.”

And now she’s back for more because, again, who is she? Elly and Kanye worked on his song All Of The Lights back in 2010 and also did a remix together of her song In For The Kill. She said she witnessed behavior she found “upsetting and unsettling”:

“I just saw some behavior that wasn’t directed toward me, but I saw some behavior that I can’t approve of as a human being—I can’t approve of… He’s one of those people that’s not 100% normal. He’s kind of fascinating. It’s a fascinating world to be in for, you know, like a few days. … [But] you can’t just have a normal conversation. I didn’t manage to anyway—I found it impossible. He’s on [a] show 24 hours a day, it’s just him. It’s also kind of amazing to be around. You know, I’ll never be around anything like that again. It was really strange.”

Then when Elly spoke to a mutual friend about Kanye’s weirdness, the friend ran straight to Yeezy  with the tea, and he was so insulted that he asked her to write him an apology; she did:

“I remember writing it. I was sat there on my sofa lol’ing to myself like: “Dear Kanye”.”

I would’a written just two letters: F and U.

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I always love when people I don’t know, never heard of, make the gossip news because it inspires me to think that regular folk are as fucked up as even pseudo-celebrities.

Apparently, NFL player Earl Thomas, currently of the Baltimore Ravens, is good at football  but sucks at being a faithful husband. See, while under lockdown, Earl had a spat with his wife, Nina, over his love of brown juice and left the manse with his brother, Seth, picked up some women, and had an orgy at an Airbnb in Austin.

Yes, with his brother, y’all. And before you get all Poor Nina and Team Nina on his ass, there’s more:

Nina used Snapchat to figure out where Earl went and used it to track his ass down … with a gun and two of her best girlfriends. When they arrived at the house, they “discovered Earl and Seth naked in bed with other women.” That’s when Nina pulled out the gun and put it to Earl’s head. Now, she claims to have removed the magazine—she just wanted to scare Earl—but didn’t realize there was still one bullet in the chamber. We know this because one of females involved in the orgy recorded it all on her phone … the attempted murder, I’m guessing, not the brother-brother orgy.

Earl wrestled the gun away from Nina, but not before she hit him in the face with it, but it still wasn’t over. By the time police arrived, an orgy goer with a phone, clearly the police say they observed Nina Thomas chasing a shirtless Earl Thomas around a vehicle.

One of the women, Earl’s ALLEGED mistress—he’s at an orgy with his brother and his mistress and at least one side-piece—claims Nina also threatened her and the other woman in the house, when she pointed the gun at them and shouted:

“I got something for all you ho’s!”

After speaking with everyone, police arrested Nina and both members of her posse. Nina was booked for burglary of a residence with intent to commit aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

The best part—other than Nina is required to stay 200 yards from Earl and his alleged mistress—is the recording of Earl that he posted to Instagram to get ahead pf the story before TMZ broke it, in which he says:

“Sometimes things don’t go as planned [and you get caught in a four way with your girlfriend and your brother and] stuff like this happens [when you get caught in a four way with your girlfriend and your brother.]”*

Man, lockdown is something else at the Thomas house, eh?

*My thoughts in parentheses.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Last week, Madonna, self-isolating, which was a treat, took to Instagram to sing a satire of ‘Vogue’ about Coronavirus. Only it contained line about eating chicken or some such and was sung so out of tune that anyone who ever said Madonna can sing, owes me a thousand bucks.

But this is even more out of touch for Madge … sitting in her marble bathtub, soaking in rose petals and the semen of virgin boys, and looking freshly facially rejuvenated,  and more than a little Asian, Madonna sputtered that the coronavirus is “the great equalizer” because:

“It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, what amazing stories you can tell,” she said, sitting naked in a bathtub filled with rose petals. “It’s the great equalizer, and what’s terrible about it is what’s great about it. What’s terrible about it is it’s made us all equal in many ways — and what’s wonderful about it is it’s made us all equal in many ways. Like I used to say at the end of ‘Human Nature’ every night, ‘If the ship goes down, we’re all going down together.’”

Oh Madge, you are not my equal; you have money and fame and privilege, which will help you get tested while millions can’t; you have the means to get treatment if you are infected, which millions don’t have. I imagine you’ve already amassed surgical masks in all the latest high-fashion designs and accoutrement.

Perhaps you need to dunk your head in the water for a good long time and only come up for air when you’re less self-entitled and full of yourself.

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Speaking of privileged, out of touch, self-entitled blowhards … Gwyneth Paltrow AKA Contagion posted a picture of herself in a mask and gloves and told of how she and her husband Brad Falchuk were “grateful” to learn about an open “local farmers market”:

“[Brad]and I were grateful to learn our local farmers market was open this morning; we walked there (keeping lots of distance) and donned masks and gloves once we got nearer to the market, only taking them off when we were almost home and there were no other pedestrians in close proximity. Yesterday I heard tales of crowded hiking trails and parks. Although we are all on a learning curve and aren’t always perfect as we figure out this temporary new normal, we must take the orders seriously and not abuse the freedoms we still have; grocery store and essential errand runs, bike rides or walks (being disciplined about correct protocol). It’s not the time for denial. We must take this seriously and shelter in place. It’s time for nesting, reading, cleaning out closets, doing something you’ve always wanted to do (write a book, learn an instrument or a language or learn to code online, draw or paint) going through photos, cooking, and reconnecting on a deeper level with the people you love. I find hope in the generosity, love, protection and care I see and feel throughout our country every day and my heart goes out to everyone directly affected or simply in fear. We will get through and I bet you our humanity will shine like never before.”

If there was ever a person who needed a good punch in the melon, it’s Gwyneth Contagion Paltrow. And luckily for all of us, her nemesis Dr. Jennifer Gunter, who constantly points out Contagion’s healthy lifestyle tip lies, took to posting about Contagion Paltrow, with a few questions:

“Why do you need gloves and a mask? Isn’t your immune boosting supplement that you were promoting at the start of flu season effective? … I mean look, GOOP sells vitamin C, $40 for 20 doses! It’s a wellness boost. Oh yeah, this brand is $10 for 100 doses. A+ grift … Also, you know she fucking coordinated her unnecessary mask with her dress. I just can’t even.”

Yes, she did say that, and ‘grift’ isn’t a misprint, it’s what Gunter calls Contagion. And Like Gunter don’t even get me started on the fashion coordinated mask.

I can’t with her.

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So, Madge uses the Coronavirus to show us how she bathes, and Contagion Paltrow uses it to show us how to coordinate our masks with our outfits, but Jeremy Renner may be the worst yet.

Renner has filed papers in Los Angeles Family Court asking for some edits to the payments he makes to ex-wife Sonni because, since the Coronavirus outbreak, he’s making less millions than he was before, so he wants to cut back on child support:

“It is likely that most productions will not resume again prior to the end of the year. As such, the projects that I had previously lined up to film this year are likely cancelled or postponed.”

Poor Jeremy, but that sounds like rich people problems, and maybe you should have stashed some cash away for a rainy, or pandemic day, to be able to take care of your child.

Asshat.

People dying and he wants to talk about his coins.

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And speaking or poor rich people … poor Stedman Graham, Oprah’s. um, boyfriend beard, has been ordered by the Big O to self-quarantine in the guest house of her $90 million Santa Barbara mansion.

Stedman kept working up through last week and Oprah, who had pneumonia last year, and bronchial infection just last week, was not letting him in the big house with his possibly infected ass:

“Stedman did not arrive from Chicago until Thursday, he had been speaking in St. Louis…he’d been on planes, so Stedman is like ‘What’s the procedure for coming home?’ ‘The procedure is… you ain’t coming and sleeping in my bed!’”

At least now he won’t hog the covers from Oprah …and Gayle.

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It now appears that Wyoming is the latest hotspot. Oh, not for the Coronavirus, but for celebrities and their asshatted ideas.

First, RuPaul admitting to fracking on his property, and now Kanye Kardastrophe, and his wife Kim—when she’s not filming her “reality” show—are moving to Wyoming, where Kanye has built an amphitheater to hold his Sunday Services, and the Yeezy fashion headquarters.

Kanye was interviewed for WSJ Magazine and whined about his struggle as a black _____ supporter, and bragged about his Wyoming compound which will feature “a series of seven dome-shaped rooms to be part of a closed-loop ecology for energy and water capture”, and something called a “bio pool,” as well as a “urine garden,” described as an “aquaponic-like system that converts human waste into plant food’ as well as something called a ‘hydrogen pulse detonation pump’ as a shower technology.

A urine garden and showers?

Sounds like K and K K are into some Kinky shiz; and makes sense as to why he’s a _____ supporter, because we all know _____ loves a long hot golden shower.

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Bobservations

I told Carlos that since we’re both at home, I would assign points to chores and whomever has the most points accumulated by the time we are set free—assuming neither one of has killed the other, dismembered him, and shipped him off to various parts of the world via FedEx—the loser would have to take the other away for a weekend wherever the winner wants to go.

First day: I mowed the lawn and awarded myself 100 pts. Carlos raked leaves and got 5 points.

Second day: Carlos cleaned the living room, dining room, office and bedrooms for 35 points. I cleaned the kitchen for 250 points. It’s a rigged system but I like it …

Where do I want to go?

Why is it when you see Oprah and Gayle King, Gayle always looks like she’s about to get a doggy biscuit, a pat on the head, and a ‘Good girl,’ from Oprah?

Christian Siriano, Project Runway winner and fashion designer, is paying attention, and upon hearing about the shortage of medical masks––mainly due to panic buying––he reached out via Twitter to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to offer the services and resources of his fashion house to produce some:

“If @NYGovCuomo says we need masks my team will help make some. I have a full sewing team still on staff working from home that can help.”

And Cuomo accepted and Christian’s and staff went to work competing an order of masks in a weekend.

Oh, and he’s not making a dime off them; it was done free.

Harvey Weinstein has tested positive for the coronavirus in prison begging the question: why the fuck are we testing Weinstein when they are non-criminal Americans who need the test?

As the coronavirus spreads around the county, Jerry Falwell, faux-Christian-religious-wingnut president of Liberty University has invited students to return to residence halls and has directed faculty members to continue to report to campus even as most classes move online.

All in the name of making _____ look good. Who cares if it sparks a surge in new cases or anyone dies? Right, Jerry?

Some good news out of Washington …fingers crossed … it looks like _____’s businesses are barred from getting loans or investments under the new $2 trillion coronavirus stimulus deal, according to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

The ____ Organization, of which the president has not divested though he swore he would, is run by his two elder sons, Junior and The Dumb One.

Hopefully once this is all over, _____ won’t get his fellow GOP criminals to change this and back pay him for all his suffering.

As unemployment claims surge, Starbucks CEO and President Kevin Johnson announced that his company will pay all of its employees in the US and Canada for the next 30 days, regardless of whether they come into work or the stores they work at temporarily close.

That’s how it’s done; people over profits.

Denis Suraev. All I know is that he’s a Russian model, he’s tall, he’s hot, he’s built like a son of a bitch and I’d like to climb him. Is that so wrong?