I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, everybody’s climbing aboard the Save Britney bandwagon in the wake of The New York Times Presents Framing Britney stories of her father controlling her and her money. And one of the biggest worms crawling from the ooze to cough up some words on BritBrit is former love, Justin Timberlake.

Of course, JT waited about twenty years, and until he had a movie to promote, before saying a word about the not so nice things he said about Britney … he outed her for not being a virgin, for one. And also, as like every time he has something to promote, Timberlake does a mea culpa lap around ripping off Janet’s Jackson’s shirt, baring her breast, during a Superbowl Halftime show. Back then he played the coy innocent boy while Janet was dragged for it.

And so …because he has a new movie coming out … JT took to social media to read a prepared statement:

“I’ve seen messages, tags, comments, and concerns and I want to respond. I am deeply sorry for the times in my life where my actions contributed to the problem, where I spoke out of turn, or did not speak up for what was right. I understand that I fell short in these moments, and others, and benefited from a system that condones misogyny and racism.

I specifically want to apologize to Britney Spears and Janet Jackson both individually because I care for and respect these women and I know I failed.

I also compelled to respond, in part, because everyone involved deserves better and most importantly because this is a larger conversation that I wholeheartedly want to be part of and learn from …”

Wow, that is a full-on word salad that reeks of insincerity, though I was waiting for the “I have a new film opening this month, please go see it.”

Nicely done, JT, drag these women again while getting some free publicity for your latest film.

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When you’re a very rich person, and crazily enough, “comedian” Kevin Hart is, you pay people to do the most mundane things for which you have little to no time. And Kevin cannot shop, so he pays someone to do his shopping. But problems can arise when you give someone access to your coins, and now comes word that Kevin’s personal shopper, Dylan Syer, was ALLEGEDLY shoplifting about a million bucks from him, and this week Syer was in a New York City courtroom facing 9 counts, including grand larceny.

Apparently Dylan gained Kevin’s trust in 2015 and began buying expensive items for him, on his behalf. All the purchases were legitimate, and Kevin’s credit card was used to make the purchases. With access to Kevin’s credit card, Dylan ALLEGEDLY began transferring money from Kevin’s card into his personal bank account, and then began blowing through the money like a Lindsay Lohan coke binge, spending hundreds of thousands of Kevin’s hard-earned one-trick-pony dollars on expensive jewelry, watches, art, collectibles, designer handbags, and leather goods.

The grand total was roughly $1.2 million; all in the span of two years.

Yikes. The DA is trying to seize all the items Syer ALLEGEDLY bought with stolen coins, but that might prove difficult since Syer was given access to the card, so the company never called Hart to ask him about his sudden interest in  high-end designer handbags.

And it took him over two years to even notice the $1.2 million dollars charged to his card. Not quite the sharpest little tool … in the shed.

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I don’t really pay close attention to The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises because it seems like a group of whores, male and female, vying for the one john, male or female, but I will try and explain it.

The story begins with Rachael Kirkconnell, a contestant on The Bachelor, who, back in 2018, attended an “Old South” themed party on an old plantation which caused peopleto think she was racist.  Now, going to an antebellum party doesn’t make someone racist but then people began digging into her social media and found a slew of Confederate flags, QAnon conspiracies and some racist crap.

Then spurred another former Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay—the first Black Bachelorette—to ask the show’s host Chris Harrison about the controversy and he really stepped in it and has since “stepped away” from the show. See, Harrison basically dismissed Rachael Kirkconnell’s highly-racist past as nothing and then called out the “woke police” because people calling out racism are wrong:

“Well, Rachel, is it a good look in 2018, or is it not a good look in 2021? Because there’s a big difference. Where is this lens we’re holding up and was this lens available, and were we all looking through it in 2018?”

Wow, he seemed to suggest that racism in 2018 is okay because it was soooo long ago. Perhaps rather than stepping away, Harrison should have been shoved away. And he followed that up with the I Need To Save My Job apology:

“I have spent the last few days listening to the pain my words have caused, and I am deeply remorseful. My ignorance did damage to my friends, colleagues and strangers alike. I have no one to blame but myself for what I said and the way I spoke. I set standards for myself, and have to meet them. I feel that with every fiber of my being. Now just as I taught my children to stand up, and to own their actions, I will do the same. By excusing historical racism, I defended it. I invoked the term ‘woke police,’ which is unacceptable. I am ashamed over how uninformed I was. I was so wrong. To the Black community, to the BIPOC community: I am so sorry. My words were harmful. I am listening, and I truly apologize for my ignorance and any pain it caused you. “I want to give my heartfelt thanks to the people from these communities who I’ve had enlightening conversations with over the past few days, and I am so grateful to those who have reached out to help me on my path to anti-racism.”

That’s a lot of words for something that could have gone like this:

“I said some stupid ass shit. I’m sorry for being an addle-brained tool I will now walk away until I really truly learn that racism in 2021 is as wrong as racism in 2018 … or 1963 … or 1931 … or 1856 … or 1776 … or ….”

Now go.

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Lord, One Percent problems.

Salma Hayek is married to François-Henri Pinault, a French billionaire who made his billions by being the spawn of a French billionaire; he inherited Daddy’s company, Kering, which owns luxury brands like Gucci, Yves Saint Lauren, and Balenciaga.

Salma and François-Henri have been married since 2009, and, during an appearance on Dax Shepard’s podcast, Armchair Expert, she said she doesn’t care that some people think she married him for his $43.4. billion:

“You know the thing is that in pictures you cannot begin to guess the magic in him. He’s made me become a much better person, and grow in such a good, healthy way. And, you know, when I married him, everybody said, ‘Oh, it’s arranged marriage, she married him for the money.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, whatever, bitch. Think what you want.’ 15 years together, and we are strong in love. And I don’t even get offended, I’m like, yeah, whatever.”

Salma has said she believes there’s discrimination against rich men and that not all of them are bad, materialistic, or people undeserving of their wealth.

Dear goddess, is she suggesting that rich people have harder lives than poor people? I don’ t think Salma married him because he’s rich, but he might have married her for those breasts, and not for her brains because, again, she’s an idiot who believes we should pity the rich.

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GOOP is at it again, y’all. A year, a full year, into the pandemic, and Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed she had COVID-19 very early on:“A little background:

"I had COVID-19 early on, and it left me with some long-tail fatigue and brain fog. In January, I had some tests done that showed really high levels of inflammation in my body. So I turned to one of the smartest experts I know in this space, the functional medicine practitioner Dr. Will Cole. After he saw all my labs, he explained that this was a case where the road to healing was going to be longer than usual.”

As she does with everything, Paltrow sold, er, told her story in a blog post on GOOP, and then turned that revelation into a money beg about how she came upon her latest regimen after COVID left her with some long-lasting symptoms,

Gwyneth’s personal routine involves fasting until 11:00 AM every day, eating a “keto and plant-based but flexible” diet—I guess that means not keto and plant based all the time, which would make it just regular eating—and  supplements which are for sale, where else, on GOOP. Oh, and she’s also doing “an infrared sauna … in service of healing.” 

Infrared sauna? This is it:

Is it just me or does that look like a $500.00 ginormous heating pad? Oh, and in case you fall for it, it’s “non-returnable?” 

So many people making money off the pandemic but they’re selling things we need like masks and hand sanitizers. Gwyneth wants y’all to buy a heating pad.

Next up, a candle that smells like your vagina on COVID-19.

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It's Snarkurday!

Shortly after Kim Kardastrophe was robbed at gunpoint in her Paris apartment, people were saying that she was blaming herself for being such a social media whore … ya think? … by flaunting her jewelry online. And since there is no such thing as a smart Kardastrophe, or even a Kardastrophe who learns a lesson, it now appears that Khloe Kardastrophe is being stupid … or more stupid.

She has also started flaunting her jewels online now, in a Look-What-I’ve-Got-Come-And-Get-Them-Rob-Me-At-Gunpoint-So-I-Can-Get-Free-Press kind of way. Khloe is ALLEGEDLY dating Cleveland Cavaliers player Tristan Thompson and decided to brag about it by posting pictures of them both wearing Cavaliers rings; his is a 2016 NBA Finals championship ring and is6.5 karats and has 400 diamonds while hers was a Cavaliers ring with several diamond bands that she displayed on that finger.

Many of Khloe’s followers called her out for her idiocy:

“Didn’t Kim get robbed the last time yall posted up bougie?”

“Who tf posts a diamond when her sister’s diamond was just robbed at gunpoint”

“Girl you gonna get robbed too!”

Khloe getting robbed! She wishes! That Woman would adore the media attention.

It looks like Golddiggers sometimes lose … Mariah Carey has ALLEGEDLY been dumped by her billionaire boyfriend, James Packer.

The couple got engaged last January despite the fact that they were — and still are — married to other people and now newspapers Down under are saying it over and apparently because Packer wasn’t a fan of Mimi’s new reality show and the fact she spends his money likes it’s hers and spews from a  gold-plated faucet in Bathroom Number 37.

He did, though, let her keep the ALLEGEDLY $10m diamond engagement ring he gave her in January.

How long until she starts posting pictures of that online so she can get onboard the Rob Me Train under Kaptain Kardastrophe?

Meanwhile, back at that Kardastrophe Heist …. shortly after that story broke, lotsa folks were giving the side-eye to the story since the Kardastrophe’s manipulate each and every little thing about their lives for media consumption, but one site, MediaTakeOut.com, was especially vocal about the idea that it was all a publicity stunt, suggesting she staged the whole thing and filed a false insurance claim.

Kim called up her Flying Monkey, AKA That Woman, and threatened to sue the dot.com off MediaTakeOut if they didn’t retract their story.

And, apparently they did … this week MTO quietly retracted their story and Kim loudly proclaimed to the world that she isn’t a social media whore by going on social media to tell us that.

Uh huh.

I’d like to see Justin Bieber’s career end, but it would be all the more satisfying if the person who sabotages it is none other than Just Bieber himself.

He started off by dissing his fans on social media, and then added fuel to his flame-out-fire by snapping at them on the streets, trying to punch them in bars and now, by telling them to shut their pile holes while he was performing his music in Birmingham, England last week.

According to the BBC, Biebs stomped offstage during a concert in Manchester because his fans — and that still makes me giggle — would not stop screaming. So he dropped the mic and skulked off to his dressing room to pout until his people, knowing that their coins would be affected if Biebs alienates everyone, convinced him to return; and he did, and he said:

“I feel like I wanna connect with you. The point of the no screaming thing is that when I’m looking at you in the eyes you know that we’re actually having a moment and having a connection.”

Um, Justin, you just wanna connect to their wallets. But since they refused to stop screaming he continued with the scolding:

“I’m just going to quit the talking alright. I’m not going to talk the rest of the night. We’re just going to do the music. Obviously Manchester just can’t handle it so let’s do the music.”

Quit talking? Quit singing you spoiled little bitch. These people loony as they might be, actually like you, and pay your way through life, so, yeah, shut up and sing or just shut up altogether.

Used to be people thought Ivanka Trump was the smart one but, um, yeah, after PussyGate, people, women, are taking a second to rethink.

Sure, she’s been trying to distance herself from her asshat blowhard of a father by switching the conversation away from his and his campaign to her businesses and her views on women in the workplace and more.

But, yeah, she cannot distance herself from Daddy because he’s also her boss and she is his favorite child — I mean you never hear Donald saying he’d date Eric or Junior if they weren’t his sons, right? So now some Ivanka-haters are coming down on this Poor Little Rich Girl by starting to boycott all things Ivanka.

Unhappy with Ivanka’s continued support of Daddy’s brand of crazy, one Shannon Coulter started a #GrabYourWallet campaign to hit Ivanka where it hurts — her own businesses and her Made In China clothing line and says:

“If Ivanka Trump had distanced herself from the campaign I would not be boycotting her. But something changed for me when that tape was released.”

The #GrabYourWallet movement on Twitter has been viewed over a million times and received 50,000 responses from women who say they will no longer buy Ivanka.

Too bad, but when you align with the Devil you’re apt to get burned.

Back to Kim Kardastrophe, well, to Kanye … since she’s banned herself from social media — and bless her heart for that — it’s up to her lunatic-of-a-husband to snatch some headlines and he’s only too happy to help and so, during the Seattle stop on his Saint Pablo tour Kanye dished on his fellow Tidal shareholder Jay-Z over dumb political crap between Apple and Tidal. But the riff ALLEGEDLY started because, after Kim was robbed in Paris, Jay-Z didn’t fly to her side and offer to help, he just made a phone call and that didn’t sit well with Krazy.

And when Jay-Z and Kanye did verses for Drake’s song Pop Style, but later found they were both cut from the album version, Knaye pointed a pudgy digit at "Hov" — a nickname Kanye has for Jay-Z, because he believes Jay-Z thinks he’s the new messiah, or J-Hova … get it — because Drake’s album was released on Tidal rival Apple Music and Jay-Z wouldn’t allow his verse on Views, and so Kanye’s also got the cut.

In a twit-Rant Kanye begged Apple to buy Tidal so his verse could be heard and then ranted about Jay-Z and said that Watch The Throne #2 will never EVER be released:

“There will never be a Watch The Throne 2. You know why? Because that’s the reason why I wasn’t on the song. I wasn’t on this song ’cause of Hov. Cause of this Apple/Tidal bullshit. And this shit be getting me tight every time I perform this motherfucker. Y’all didn’t get, what y’all were supposed to get with me and Drake on this song because of some Tidal/Apple bullshit. This shit got me tight, yo! Every time I perform this song I think about this shit. I think about the politics and the bullshit. I think about how hard I go for music, for art, for y’all, for the fans — how hard we go.”

Sheesh, it’s hard to figure out who is the bigger egotistical douchebag baby, Justin or Kanye. Can we call it a tie?

And now, lastly, some words about Donald and how much he hates Salma Hayek because she refused to let him grab her pussy. Hayek tells it like this:

“When I met that man, I had a boyfriend, and he tried to become his friend to get my home telephone number. He got my number and he would call me to invite me out. When I told him I wouldn’t go out with him even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, [which he took as disrespectful], he called — well, he wouldn’t say he called, but someone told the National Enquirer … that he wouldn’t go out with me because I was too short.”

And it appears to be true, because in 2008 Donald bought a $120,000 luxury trip with Trump Foundation money at a charity auction that included a dinner with Hayek.

Seriously. He begged … she said bugger off … he planted a story that he’d never date her because she was too short? He wouldn’t stoop down to grab her pussy?

Salma at least got the last laugh because she married a real billionaire.

WTF? Salma Hayek

First off, what's with Salma Hayek's face?

Oh wait, she's just realized that she stepped out of the house and onto a red carpet dressed like a cater waiter from the Toreador Room at the Spanish Embassy.

No, ma'am, I'm quite positive I had the chicken.

Seriously, Salma?

Random Musings

It’s been a while since I’ve Randomly Mused — darn those pesky holidays — but I do have something to say, first and foremost about a show past its prime or relevance and about a hottie on that show …

Marshall Williams, an actor, model and contestant on Canadian Idol — and let’s not discuss the lack of relevance of America Idol — is joining the cast of Glee for its final … thank the goddess …season, playing Spencer, a foot ball star and stud and gay man.

But producers are quick to point out that Spencer is a “post-Glee gay — no one messes with him about his sexuality because he will kick their asses if they do.”

But do they mess around with him in, um, other ways?

Asking for a friend …

Speaking of gay, the oh-so-not-gay Congressman Aaron Schock Tweeted this vacation snapshot.

That’s all.

While watching the tube the other night an ad for Selma, the new picture about MLK and the Civil Rights Movement came on. I mentioned to Carlos that I wanted to see it and he said, “Selma? Selma Hayek?”

I said, “Yes, Selma Hayek, noted Civil Rights activist from the 1960s.”

Carlos gets a pass because he was not raised in this country and therefore never learned about Selma, but still, I almost choked from laughter.

Plus, it’s Salma Hayek, I reminded him.

Over there to England, Sir Elton John married David Furnish, his partner of 21 years, over the hols — that’s what they call holidays in Britain and I’m feeling a little Madonna so I’m’a fake a Brit accent, too.

But, sad to say, things need to change in the UK because had Sir Elton married a woman she would be Lady John, but David, as a an … gasp … is given no such title.

C’mon, England, make David a Sir.

Earlier this week, virulently homophobic former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell was sentenced to two years in prison after being convicted of corruption. Wait? A corrupt politician? Say it ain’t so!

McDonnell, after being sentenced, addressed the court:

"I stand before you as a heartbroken and humbled man.”

Not so fast, you more of a busted man, a criminal man, but he also said he will dedicate the rest of his life “newly to service.”

Hopefully in the prison laundry.

No starch please.

Since marriage equality finally came to Florida, it wasn’t such a shock that Tampa Bay Times named Florida’s Attorney General Pam Bondi its "Loser Of 2014":

“It's hard to imagine how someone who won re-election so handily (rival George Sheldon could not afford a single TV ad) could emerge from 2014 more wounded and diminished as our Republican attorney general … Bondi's clumsy communication skills and relentless defense of Florida's gay marriage ban have made her a modern-day Anita Bryant. Antagonizing Florida's gay voters over same-sex marriage and Hispanic voters over immigration reform ensures Bondi has a bright political future ahead of her — if she moves to Mississippi.”

C’mon, don’t do that to Mississippi!

Wait, so David Furnish can’t be a ‘Sir’ but Joan Collins gets to be a ‘Dame’?

The diva of Dynasty was made the female equivalent of a knight in Queen Elizabeth II's annual New Year's honors list. She was recognized for her services to nonprofit groups helping children.

Sadly, right after the awards, Krystle Carrington appeared out of nowhere and shoved Joan into a pool.

More Carlos? M’kay.

He has the habit of not wanting to use the last of anything. He’s been known to ring a deodorant stick dry rather than open a new one; he’s been known to make dinner, and then dig out a piece of Tupperware to save … literally … a teaspoon of rice for the next day.

But this is about toilet paper. We recently had a houseguest at Casa Bob y Carlos and Carlos was cleaning the guest bathroom when he saw that the toilet paper in that bath was down to its last two or three sheets. He replaced the roll with a new one, but brought the nearly unused roll into the master bathroom for us … or me … to, er, polish off. Well, I decided to test Carlos and so I refused to use it and instead used a new roll.

That nearly-done roll sat in out bathroom for over a week until Carlos finally broke and used it. Then, he brought out the cardboard roll and tried to shove it down my shirt. I tossed it at him; he tossed it at me … we’re children, you know … and then I tossed it to the floor. H left it there and I said it would stay there, possibly to become a cat toy unless he picked it up.

Children, remember.

But then I had an idea. I took that toilet paper roll, which still had a single sheet dangling from it, and drew a face on it, with a tongue sticking out, and taped it to a piece of card stock and stuck it in the mailbox for Carlos to find when he returned from work.

That’s all, there’s no real point to the story except that, well, we’re children, and I am far more childish!

In a bit of crazy, Teabagging loon and Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert promised to be the engine of change that conservatives have been calling for in their rebellion against the establishment wing of the Republican Party and vowed to unseat John Boehner as Speaker of the House. 

If elected speaker, Louie Louie said he would “fight amnesty tooth and nail” because immigrants have no place in the Land of the Free, and that he would defund Obamacare so only the wealthy could afford healthcare, and he would, ahem, bring “positive solutions that will return power back to the people.”

And by people, he means rich white guys who hate women, the Gays, the immigrants and, well, anyone who isn’t rich white and male.

Sadly, Gohmert failed at his attempt, though, also sadly, we are stuck with Boehner for the next two years of a Do Nothing Congress.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Wow, Lohan just can't stay out of the news, can she?

If she isn't drunk at a club, she's making soft-core porn movies, or getting into a car accident, or being arrested as a jewel thief.

And it's that last one that's happened again.

Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by police regarding an apparent burglary at a Hollywood Hills home, though Lindsay insists, as cracktresses are apt to do, that she had nothing to do with it.

Still, according to sources--Dina! Put down the shot glass and take a bow!--Lindsay spent the night at a friend’s home after a get-together, and when everyone awoke, or came to, the next morning, the homeowner discovered there had been a jewel heist.

Lohan + Jewels = Theft.

The police were called to the home and interviewed everyone inside, including Lindsay, who was, they say, extremely cooperative. As of now, Lohan is not considered a suspect.

And I find that suspect.

Lohan has a history of sticky fingers, and even an arrest for being a little too familiar with theft. But I also blame the homeowners because when you invite Lohan to your home, you hide the jewels, the cash, the drugs, the booze....Hell, just don't invite Lohan to your home.

Even I learned that lesson.

American Idol hasn't even started and already Mariah 'Mimi' Carey is acting the diva...and eating everything in sight at the craft services table.

See, it has been confirmed that un-certifiably insane Nicki Minaj is the latest judge at AI's rotating table of judges and already Mariah is throwing a publicity-laden fit about it.

It seems that when producers called Mimi with the news that Nicki would also be a judge, Mariah hung up on them. Now, to be fair, she could have been furious about it, or maybe she heard the ice cream truck ringing its bell and took off down the road.

But sources--and you just know it's that gossipy hen, and closet case, Ryan Seacrest--say that Mariah was told she'd be the only woman on the judge’s panel, and now they've gone ahead and hired another woman?

And a much younger woman, too, as Nicki is just 29 to Mariah's 71.

And it could get uglier, because there still might be a chance that Randy Jackson is leaving and that would leave a third, very large, chair to fill. And if Jackson stays, rumor has it that the show might hire another male judge, a fourth judge a la The X Factor, to round out the table--and with Mimi and Randy they gonna need a round table, with a Lazy Susan in the middle filled with goodies.

I loathe Taylor Swift. I find her talentless. I find that she only sings songs about how boys are mean to her. I also find that stupid face she makes every time she wins an award to be the phoniest piece of acting since Cindy Crawford in Fair Game. And, apparently, Taylor has a large head and thinks she's somehow above it all.

She has been dating younger boy, Conor Kennedy, and he was invited to another Kennedy wedding last weekend, but never RSVP'd. When he and Taylor showed up, they were asked to leave, and Taylor refused.

White trash rudeness, y'all.

A source at the hotel--and you know it was a gay bellhop--says he saw Taylor Swift being asked, by mother of the bride Victoria Gifford Kennedy, to leave the Fairmont Copley Plaza hotel where her daughter, Kyle Kennedy, was marrying Liam Kerr.

Victoria says, "[Conor and Taylor] texted me an hour before the wedding and asked if they could come. I responded with a very clear, ‘Please do not come.’ They came anyway. ... I personally went up to Ms. Swift, whose entrance distracted the entire event, politely introduced myself to her, and asked her as nicely as I could to leave. It was like talking to a ghost. She seemed to look right past me.”

Swift’s spokeswoman Paula Erikson insisted it was not true: “There is no truth to that. Taylor was invited to the wedding and the bride thanked her profusely for being there.”

Let's see...a Kennedy wedding takes probably a year to plan and Taylor had glommed onto Conor in the last month or so, so the idea that she was invited seems like a stretch. Conor, sure; Taylor, not so much.

But, you know, she's Taylor Swift and she does what she pleases, and I'm sure there will be a song about a Mean Bride Mama coming soon from that hack country singer.

I really haven't mentioned Kristen Stewart’s affair with her Snow White and The Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders, because, well, I don't care for the moody, pouty, plain Jane looking Stewart. And I'm not a fan of her pasty big haired ex-boyfriend Rob Pattinson either, so the whole business of her kissing/screwing/fondling or whatever seemed stupid to me and rated a big who cares.

But now her PR people are spinning her tryst with a married man and trying to make Stewart look more pitiful than she already appears. She's sad, they say, super sad, spiraling into depression sad. Kristen is ALLEGEDLY “crying herself to sleep” and her friends fear that she is having some kind of “meltdown”. Um, because she got caught cheating on her boyfriend with a married, older, man?

But, in addition to playing the pity card, Team Stewart is also playing the She-Was seduced game. Team Kristen is Sanders manipulated her! He’s older! He’s powerful! And she’s an idiot! Oops. That wasn't team Stewart, that was me. He took advantage of her! She’s not to blame because she’s just a dumb kid! 

And the kicker: they never had sex. Oh, no sex. She just fondled, groped, canoodled, kissed and caressed him in secret behind her boyfriend's back.

Kristen Stewart will have to double-down on the acting classes if she wants anyone to believe she's an innocent victim.

I loved me some American Horror Story, and I love that it’s coming back with a whole new story, but with one of my fave actresses Jessica Lange. And now, of course, since Lange is on a roll for her role in AHS there are all kinds of gossip circulating about herm like….She’s turned lesbian…because, you know, it’s just that easy.

But, seriously, The Enquirer—that bastion of honest journalism—is claiming that sixty-three-year-old—and looking dayum foine for 63—Jessica Lange is having a love affair with her AHS co-star, thirty-seven-year-old Sarah Paulson.

The story plays the vague card as to whether Lange and Paulson were, um, girl-on-girlfriends before they started working on AHS or if the lovin’ started onset. But, the story does say that the two women have been friends for years, and that Paulson was there to lend a helping hand—and I’m not going anywhere with that one—when Lange’s twenty-seven-year non-marriage to Sam Shepard ended a few years back.

A source—and I’m wondering if it isn’t Latex Man, who might not be in season two of AHS—says, “Jessica and Sarah’s friendship has recently blossomed into a full-on romance. They’ve been dating for the past year, but they’ve been close friends for much longer than that.” And Latex Man goes on to say that Jessica turned to Sarah after her relationship with Shepard ended in 2009: “Sarah was a good friend and a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, their friendship blossomed into love.”

Cuz that always happens when someone consoles you. If that was the case, I would’a turned straight any number of times a friend had a bad breakup and wanted to talk, but I digress.

But, and this is where it gets sticky—and, again, not going anywhere with that—Paulson once dated out and proud Lesbian actress, Cherry Jones, but has had a “crush” on Lange since 2005, when they appeared on Broadway together in “The Glass Menagerie.”

“Jessica’s always been a free spirit who doesn’t like to put labels on people. She says she loves whoever [sic] she loves, and Sarah makes her really happy,” or so says Latex man.

Hmm, could be. Might not be. I’ll play Joy Behar and say, o what? Who cares?”

I just wants me some AHS and Jessica Lange back on my TV. But, Jessica’s people are talking, and they are saying, “This story is completely fabricated and untrue.”

Maybe they are just good friends then.

Why are these two still together? Jennifer Lopez and Casper “The Friendly Queer” Smart?

I mean, ALLEGEDLY the two have been having a rough time of it since Casper went to a peep show—a male peep show?—the day before JLo’s 75^th birthday, which was about a month ago. Now, it’s true, Casper was either at the peep show, or he was at a gay club in the backroom or he was at an exotic massage parlor. Casper’s story keeps changing. Peep show? Maybe. Gay bar? I can see it. Massage parlor? Who is he, Travolta? But then he said he was getting a tattoo. I’m thinking it was on his ass and said, Servants Enter From The Rear. But, again, I’m just guessing.

Since then, people have been telling JLo to dump his tatted butt, and she has turned all Fatal Attraction to catch him in a lie. A source—and you know it’s a bartender from the ManHole—says, “She’s been checking Casper’s phone to see if he’s cheating.”

And he seems to know about it, according to another “source”—and it might be one of those kids JLo totes around. They say, “Casper told JLo he is paranoid that he’s being followed, and she said, ‘You’re damn right you’re being followed. The whole world is watching you! If you f—k up one more time, it’s over!’”

Now, get me my shoes!

Oh, that’s why she keeps him around. They wear the same size shoes.

Finally we can all relax. The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes “marriage”—for lack of a better word—is actually over.

And she’s come out smelling like a half-a-million dollar rose, and he can’t over to pay for dinner. No, that last part is true. See, Tommy and his entourage of hot boys racked up a huge bill at a curry restaurant in London, and all Tom had was an American Express card and they don’t do no AMEX. One of his underlings had to pick up the tab. Ouch.

Maybe he should ask Katie for a loan. See, although people are saying that, since there was no Beard Prenup, Katie has walked away with a “modest” yearly child support in the amount of $400,))) a year, or a little more than a thou a day. Now, let’s play poor Katie when we hear that because of the no prenup biz, she gets no money from Cruising Tom.

I feel so bad. Not. I mean, who cares if Katie didn’t get any alimony? She.Got.Her.Freedom. She pulled a fast one on the Wee Dicktator. And, she gets to publicly say that she got nothing from Tommy Grrl because she wanted nothing from Tommy Grrl except for the keys to the cell. Win. Win.

And, in addition to the 400K that Tom will pay annually for the next twelve years—till Suri hits eighteen—unless the courts decide the girl needs a bigger allowance, and he must also pay all of her other expense, like medical, dental, insurance, education, college and extracurricular costs.

Grrl better work at making successful movies in order to keep Suri afloat. Of course, he’ll save money because he won’t need any more lifts for his shoes now. Unless, and this could happen, he finds another nubile young wannabe looking to hitch their wagon to his teeny star in exchange for looking all giddy and happy and in love.

And being a prisoner in Beverly Hills.

ALLEGEDLY.

Salma Hayek. I’m not much of a fan though I did like her better during the Lesbian Rumor years when she and Penelope Cruz were thisclose.

But now I have reason to like her even less.

See, Salma shot some pictures, and sat for an interview with Vogue Germany and, well, she kinda stuck her foot in her mouth and a lot of her peeps are not happy with her.

No, not her rich bitch, married to Parisian billionaire friends, or her Hollywood friends, but her people, from Mexico.

Salma was raised in Mexico, which makes this comment kind of off-putting: “Honestly, I hardly had any memories of what it is to be Mexican. My life is completely different now.”

Can you smell the problem? Let’s repeat: “Honestly, I hardly had any memories of what it is to be Mexican. My life is completely different now.” 

Now, I know what she meant; she’s come a long way since growing up in Mexico. She’s a semi-big star, and she married a French man with more money than France. But, um, she sounds like she’s dissing Mexico.

Like being Mexican is so bad she’s lucky to have forgotten it.

Some Hispanic people, and their blogs—and you know how bitchy people with blogs can be…I mean, look where you are—are saying things like, “What did Salma mean by basically saying she forgot what it’s like to be a Mexican woman? That she’s too French and rich for our blood?” Now her peeps, and not the French ones or the Hollywood ones or the Mexican ones, but the ones who rely on Salma for their paychecks are scrambling, claiming “the whole thing has been lost in translation [and] Salma is not disparaging Mexico in any way.” 

Um, I kinda believe it, but it’ll be a hard sell in Mexico.

El burro sabe mas que Salma.