Snarky Thoughts

Reality show “star” and future prisoner of Cellblock Q, Todd Chrisley has “fired back” at claims that he had an affair with Mark Braddock, his ex-business partner who turned him in for bank fraud. Todd says he would never get fucked by Mark and would rather be rumored to be fucked by Brad Pitt or George Clooney. 

My Thought: Yes, straight men sit around and think about who they’d like to fuck them. Bend over and pick up the soap, Todd.

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Last year, Bond producers put the kibosh on my dream of seeing 50-year-old Idris Elba donning James Bond’s tuxedo by saying that they’re looking for an actor in his 30s to take over the role from Daniel Craig. And to that end they have met with 32-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, left, and 30-year-old Lucien Laviscount.

My Thought: I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson nekkid and he is what I would call more 0014 than 007, if you get my meaning, but I’m still leaning toward dreamy Lucian to shake my martini.

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After last year when Ryan Seacrest pitched a hissy because Drunk Andy Cohen called him and his New Year’s Eve show “boring,” this year Ryan is pissy because Sober Andy Cohen ignored him during the end of the year festivities when Ryan tried to wave at him in Times Square.

My thought: Come on out, Ryan, and ask Cohen on a date, because it’s clear you have some fixation on him.

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Once again Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her appearance and once again she claims it’s because of her hair or her make-up or her new clip-in bangs. After Khloé’s cover shoot for Sorbet magazine many of Taylor Swift fans accused Khloé of stealing Swifty’s look, while Khloé  took to The Gram to blame it on the choppy bangs.

My Thought: I don’t get Taylor Swift at all, but I also don’t get Khloé Kardastrophe. She should figure out who she wants to look like, because it sure isn’t herself, and it’ll never be Beyoncé or Swifty.

PS Here's some of Khloé’s transformations through the years.

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Is Mimi trying to be the George Santos of the music industry now? While Mariah Carey has called herself the Queen of Christmas forever, this year after seeking to trademark the title, and being told to Piss Off, she graciously gave the title to Darlene Love and all seemed right with the world. Until Mariah decided to tell the tale that she wrote her Christmas “classic” all by her lonesome and not with her writing partner Walter Afanasieff, who then came for Mimi:

“She started to hint at the fact that, ‘Oh, I wrote that song when I was a little girl.’ But why weren’t you saying that for 12 or 13 or 15 years prior to that? So it just sort of developed in her mind. She doesn’t play anything, she doesn’t play keyboard or piano. She doesn’t understand music, she doesn’t know chord changes and music theory or anything like that. She doesn’t know a diminished chord from a minor seventh chord to a major seventh chord, so to claim that she wrote a very complicated chord-structured song with her finger on a Casio keyboard when she was a little girl, it’s kind of a tall tale.”

For her part, Mimi says she never said that BUT in 2017, during an interview with Billboard, she said:

“I am proud of this song that I wrote basically as a kid on my little Casio keyboard.” 

And then as liars do, she changed the story again, saying now:

“I was up at the farm, upstate where we did the video, and it was nighttime, and I was just walking around, and I got the idea for the song. I don’t know where it came from, sometimes things just come to me like that. That melody just came into my head, the verse melody. And then, I was walking around, and I just went in and I had a little keyboard set up there and I just kind of finished the lyrics and the melody just came pretty quickly.”

My Thought: All I want for Christmas is for Mariah to stop talking and stop caterwauling that song.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

As I mentioned in Bobservations Andy Cohen was a drunken raging mess on CNN’s New Year’s Eve show and spouting off about how Journey is ‘fake’ Journey without Steve Perry, and how Bill de Blasio is a terrible mayor, and how he loathes Ryan Seacrest.

Now, sober Andy “really” regrets slamming Seacrest and his New Year’s Eve viewers and ABC, though maybe that’s just the sober talking and the realization that the man he insulted is his BFF, Kelly Ripa’s, cohost on their morning show. A source explains the regret like this:

“Kelly likes Andy, but she adores Ryan. Andy is her friend, but Ryan is her work husband, he is family … What makes matters worse is that Kelly works for ABC. She is very loyal … [and] … calling ABC viewers ‘losers’ [as Cohen did] isn’t cool. One thing is for sure, it’s going to be very difficult to ever ask Andy to fill in on ABC next to Kelly the next time Ryan is off.”

And that’s where the truth comes out. Andy Cohen is jealous that Ryan is on the show with Kelly because Cohen desperately wanted that seat and didn’t get it, and after shot after shot after shot of tequila Cohen spewed his venom.

Um, Andy, you’ll never get the job now, and most likely will never be asked back on the show, unless Kelly and Ryan has an Andy Cohen Raging Drunk Mess Mea Culpa episode.

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Kim Kardastrophe, while she has no discernible talent, is quite adept at keeping her name in the media … either by dating serial dater Pete Davidson, who has dated Ariana Grande, actors Kate Beckinsale, Margaret Qualley, Kaia Gerber, and perhaps Miley Cyrus, among others … or this:

The ex-Missus West watched the new Spiderman film, No Way Home, in her home theater and then took to Instagram to post a series of spoilers about the film because, again, fame seeking whore.

Even more desperate is that Kardastrophe took photos of the screen and shared them to Instagram, revealing to her 273 million followers that … I will not tell you what she revealed, sparing those of you who haven’t seen it, or those of you, like me, who will watch it when it comes to TV and there’s nothing better on.

Kimmy soon realized what a fool she was and thought she could just hit delete, like she does to her marriages, and it would be like it never happened, except it did and social media followers were livid:

“I don’t even **king follow Kim kardashian and the one moment I decide to watch her stories on instagram she post literally THEE whole spoiler of spider man. I’ve never hated someone so much.”

“Nothing says privilege like getting a movie in your own private theatre and spoiling it for those of us who are trying to stay home and safe!”

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: Kim Kardastrophe and the whole Kardastrophe Klan, ruin everything.

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Of course, as thirsty for attention as Kim Kardastrophe is, no one is as thirsty for Kim Kardastrophe as one Kanye West. West has been begging Kimmy to take him back—even though he has been dating a series of women—and even went on a Kimmy Please Come Home rant while handing meals with the LA Mission on Thanksgiving because homeless people need to hear a multi-millionaire whine that his multi-millionaire wife is done with their marriage,

So, what does Kanye do now? He …wait for it, it’s so stalker-ish … bought a Hidden Hills estate right  across the street from Kim Kardastrophe’s Kastle. And he had the money to do so, because it was just last year that Kimmy paid Kanye $23 million to buy him out of the house.

And now they’re neighbors. Creepshow.

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I know you’ve heard that former Sex and the City co-star, former The Equalizer co-star, and former And Just Like That co-star, Chris Noth, has been having a rough end of 2021. Two women have come forward ALLEGING they were raped by Noth in 2004 and 2005, followed by Zoe Lister-Jones says Noth was drunk and creepy with her when she appeared on Law & Order, and a third woman ALLEGES Noth sexually assaulted her in 2010.

In the wake of the ALLEGATIONS, Noth finds himself out of work, though to be fair, And Just Like That killed him off before the story broke. And, after his character died on AJLT, while working out on a Peloton machine, Noth scored an ad campaign with the company, but that’s gone, too, as is his contract with talent agency, A3 Artists. The icing on the cake is that Noth’s SATC/AJLT former co-stars released a statement about the ALLEGATIONS:

"We are deeply saddened to hear the allegations against Chris Noth. We support the women who have come forward and shared their painful experiences. We know it must be a very difficult thing to do and we commend them for it."

They’re sad to hear about the allegations … they support the women … standard issue, until you find out SJP blew a gasket over the whole mess and is said to be livid about the story. Oh, not because Noth was ALLEGEDLY rape-y and sexually inappropriate with several women but because the ALLEGATIONS hurt SJP’s legacy as Carrie Bradshaw. Seriously. An insider, and it’s no doubt SJP’s BFF and henchman, the aforementioned raging drunk  Andy Cohen, who also attacked Kim Cattrall for refusing to do any more shows with SJP, says:

“She is fiercely protective of Carrie Bradshaw and livid that she and everyone else at the show has been put into this position. It is not about the money, but her legacy. Carrie was all about helping women and now, under her watch, women are saying that they have been hurt. She takes the power of being Carrie Bradshaw very seriously. With great power comes great responsibility and although SJP knows this is about him, not her, she feels like she has let everyone down.”

Let that sink in … ‘SJP knows this is about him, not her’ but she makes it about her.

For whom do I feel bad? The women who ALLEGE they were sexually assaulted by Chris Noth, or SJP?

Take a seat, Karen, or maybe it’s something else … It appears that perhaps And Just Like That will be a one-off and SJP has to blame someone and since Cattrall isn’t around, she’s ALLEGING positioning the blame to fall on Chris Noth for ruining her show.

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More Kimmy … Kim Kardastrophe has unfollowed Miley Cyrus on Instagram following the singer’s live New Year’s Eve special with Kim’s current for-media-only boyfriend, Pete Davidson, after it was revealed that Cyrus went to Davidson’s condo after their “Tonight Show” appearance … the same condo Kimmy was seen sneaking out of just last month.

The unfollowing on Instagram is the celebrity equivalent of two women taking off their hoops in an alley behind the club because one woman looked at the other’s boyfriend.

Of note … Kim is a 41-year-old woman and Miley is twelve years younger.

Grown assed woman.

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Nice news … it seems that Keanu Reeves donated a portion of his earnings from the original The Matrix movie to cancer research. Reeves  was paid some $10 million upfront for the 1999 film and earned another $35 million when the movie became a box office blockbuster, but … he donated 70% of the money—a whopping $31.5 million—to leukemia research.

Reeves’ younger sister, Kim, had been battling the disease for eight years at the time he made the donation, though she entered remission in 2001. And Keanu didn’t stop there … he also set up a nonprofit to raise money for research:

“I have a private foundation that’s been running for five or six years, and it helps aid a couple of children’s hospitals and cancer research. I don’t like to attach my name to it, I just let the foundation do what it does.”

And he does what he does, and all of these other folks should take a lesson.

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Bobservations

A couple of quickies …Carlos is still feeding, twice daily, Not Our Cat Comet, who has now also been coming into the back yard when Ozzo is out there, and the two of them wander around together. I think Carlos and Ozzo are tag-teaming to get Comet into the house but, again, she is not our cat.

Secondly … whenever Carlos tells me he had a bad dream I almost always say:

“Your father and Saby [Carlos’ old boss] having sex on a horse?”

And he says, No! And I make up other dreams, and this goes on for several minutes. Well, he said that this morning and then said he’d planned on having an egg for breakfast and now he wasn’t, so I asked:

“Was the dream your father and Saby having sex in an egg?”

“Nooooo.”

“You were having egg sex?”

“NOOOOOO!”

“You were trapped inside an egg?”

“I’m not Lady Gaga.”

And there’s the fun; Carlos’ knowledge of pop culture runs at about a zero, so for him to not only recall Gaga in the egg, but then to say it aloud, was a milestone in my trying to educate him about pop culture.

By George, I think he’s got it.

Now, Tuxedo isn’t really advocating cannibalism, but, you know, it is food for thought.

Please take note of those politicians that did not make an appearance at the one-year anniversary of the insurrection today, and also note the ones who do appear but voted not to certify the election last year because they are all complicit.

Special sidenote: Thing 45 was going to have his own rally at Mar-A-Lago today but cancelled when it began to look like heaps of bad taste. I was hoping he’d do it and incriminate himself in the process.

Y’all know that I used to be a drug mule right? Hiding balloons of coke up my bum for a six-hour flight from South America to the US? Well, I wish I’d had the nerve of one Patrick Florence of Florida—that’s his cute mug shot up there—when I got arrested.

After the police pulled Florence over for a traffic stop, they found cocaine and methamphetamine wrapped around his penis but he swore the drugs weren’t his. Clearly, someone hid the drugs on his dick while he, um, wasn’t looking?

An unnamed man suffered serious injuries last week when he tried to feed or pet a tiger after hours at the Naples Zoo in Florida.

Good, but … the tiger was shot and killed by sheriff’s deputies in an effort to free the man.

The tiger was being a tiger and the man was being a complete fuckmonkey, and yet it’s the tiger that died.

Close all zoos.

I've been on that new margarita diet for a week now and the only thing I lost was my drivers' license.

Orange County Deputy District Attorney Kelly Ernby, who ran for state Assembly in 2020 and had become a leader with the Republican Party of Orange County, has died suddenly, a week after telling friends she was very sick with COVID-19.

She used Twitter to rail about her opposition to vaccine mandates, calling them socialist attacks on our freedoms. for COVID-19 vaccines.

She was 46 years old. Sorry, not sorry.

We watched a little Randy Andy Cooper and Andy Cohen on New Year’s Eve, but it will probably be the last time. Anderson is cute and funny, while Andy is that old bitter angry stupid drunk gay guy no one wants around. Except CNN, who say he’ll be back again next year.

I won’t be.

Martin Ivanov began modeling after being crowned Mister Bulgaria in 2012, so if you’d like to hit a pageant winner … here’s your chance: Would You Hit It?

It's Snarkurday!

So, the Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker spat sunk to a new low this week after Cattrall’s missing brother was found dead.

Cattrall had posted to Instagram the news that her brother Christopher had disappeared, and the next day posted that he had been found dead. SJP offered her condolences in a comment on the post, and then again when asked about it by gossip show Extra:

“I can’t begin to know how her family is managing such a loss. We all send her our love and condolences and grant her the privacy that she’s asked for.”

Kim, who had Tweeted thanks to her fans and her “#SexAndTheCity colleagues” for their support was not having SJP:

“I don’t need your love & support at this tragic time @sarahjessicaparker”

And then added:

“My Mom asked me today ‘When will that [Sarah Jessica parker], that hypocrite, leave you alone?’ Your continuous reaching out is a painful reminder of how cruel you really were then and now. Let me make this VERY clear. (If I haven’t already) You are not my family. You are not my friend. So, I’m writing to tell you one last time to stop exploiting our tragedy in order to restore your ‘nice girl’ persona.”

Ouch. But, clearly, as all of us in the world, other than SJP, know, she and Cattrall are not friends, and if you wanted to send your condolences to your friend, Sarah, you could have, and should have, done so privately.

In case you weren’t sure, I’m #TeamCattrall

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Oh, this is juicy … it appears that Quincy Jones let it slip that Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor had a bit of a fling, sexually speaking; a rumor that was confirmed by Pryor’s widow, Jennifer:

“It was the ’70s! Drugs were still good, especially Quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d fuck a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.”

While I was hoping it was Streetcar Marlon and not Last Tango Marlon, if you get my meaning, Pryor’s daughter, Rain, instantly flew off the handle at the idea that her father had sex with Brando … ever … and posted a lengthy post to Facebook denouncing Quincy for tainting her father’s legacy, and then adding that her stepmother Jennifer is a “bottom feeder.”

And yet, oddly enough, Rain says her father was bisexual, so it wasn’t the bisexual rumor that got her feathers ruffled, it was Brando.

Clearly that means it was Last Tango Brando.

The shame.

But she isn’t the only offspring pissed off at the story; Brando’s son, Miko, is also mighty annoyed that this story is out there, and told TMZ:

“The Marlon Brando family has heard the recent comments by Quincy Jones and we are disappointed that anyone would make such a wrongful comment about either Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor.”

And yet again, his own father seemed quite open to affairs with men; in an interview for his autobiography, Marlon Brando: The Only Contender, Brando said:

“Homosexuality is so much in fashion, it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences, and I am not ashamed.”

So, again, it’s not the idea that his father had affairs with men, it’s just the idea of his father having an affair with Pryor.

Brando’s family says he f**ked men, but not Pryor, and Pryor’s kid say her daddy f**ked men but not Brando.

Uh huh.

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Back to SJP … as is her habit, Parker does not directly comment on the bad things said about her, she has third parties and minions do it for her; which is why her bestie Andy Cohen flapped his yap about Kim’s Instagram meltdown over SJP’s condolences.

“I thought [Kim’s response] was fake. There was no way Kim Cattrall has posted this on her Instagram.”

Ah, but it was Kim Cattrall, and, again, there is no love lost between the two women, but SJP cannot stand to be made to look like a not nice person, so she sent her Flying Monkey Andy out to spread her story:

“[SJP] expressed her condolences on the post … I would not call that exploiting a tragedy. What was she supposed to do? Say something bad? I don’t understand. I also don’t like it that people are characterizing this as a fat catfight. There’s only one person fighting here.”

It’s like it doesn’t even enter their heads that Kim is grieving and that if you’re not particularly close to her, you should probably just shut up and leave her alone.

SJP spent the past six months belittling Kim about not doing Sex and the City #75 and yet now she’s all sweetness and light.

I ain’t buying it.

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Taylor Swift loves to sue people she thinks are stealing her oh-so-important-and-meaningful lyrics, but sometimes it’s other people saying Swifty stole their intellectual property.

Now a judge has decided there is nothing intellectual about a Taylor Swift lyric and thrown out a lawsuit filed by Sean Hall and Nathan Butler who claim TayTay’s lyrics in “Shake It Off” infringed on their lyrical copyright from the song “Playas Gon’ Play.”

Judge Michael Fitzgerald dismissed their lawsuit, but this is about what he said when he dismissed it:

“In the early 2000s, popular culture was adequately suffused with the concepts of players and haters to render the phrases ‘playas … gonna play’ or ‘haters … gonna hate’, standing on their own, no more creative than ‘runners gonna run’; ‘drummers gonna drum’; or ‘swimmers gonna swim.’ … It is banal. The allegedly infringed lyrics are short phrases that lack the modicum of originality and creativity required for copyright protection.”

Sure, he told Hall and Butler their lyrics were too inconsequential to steal, but that was also a smack to Swifty, who claimed the “banal” lyrics were hers and hers alone.

Cue a new track on an upcoming Swifty album called “Judges Gon Hate: The Banal Remix.”

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Recently Tiffany Haddish, the new ‘It’ girl in Hollywood, got to hang out Jay-Z and Beyoncé backstage at his LA concert. She took selfies with the Carters and now cannot stop talking about them; apparently, she’s on their publicity team now and trying to put out a story about drama with the Carters:

“Okay, so what had happened was, something had went down with somebody at the party, right? I’m not at liberty to say what had went down at the party, but Beyoncé was just telling me to have a good time, and I was like, ‘No, I’m gonna end up fighting this bitch!’ She was like, ‘No, have fun, Tiffany,’ and I said, ‘I’m only going to have fun if you take a selfie with me.’”

Huh? Well, the bitch Haddish wanted to fight was ALLEGEDLY an unnamed actress who got a little too close to Jay-Z’s wandering eyes and penis and Beyoncé’s new bestie was going to the mattresses for her.

“I was talking to Jay-Z for a little bit, and there was another actress that was there who was also talking to Jay-Z. [The actress] touched Jay-Z’s chest and Beyoncé came walking up like … ‘Biitttchhh!’ But, she didn’t say that. But her demeanor, her body from the way she walked up on them said, ‘Get your hands off my man’s chest.’ So, then she also started talking to the other actress and some other stuff happened but I’m not gonna say nothin’ yet.”

Look, I’m not saying it did happen, and I’m not saying it didn’t happen. I’m just saying that one day soon, we’ll have a new Beyoncé song about an actress and her man, followed by a Jay-Z rap about his wife being jealous.

Cuz it’s all about the coins for the Carters.

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Remember last week when accused sexual predator, Republican douchebag Scott Baio urged his victim, Nicole Eggert, to go to the police? And then she did? And the police opened an investigation?

There’s more … Eggert and Baio’s co-star on Charles In Charge, Alexander Polinsky was at a press conference with Nicole Eggert and her lawyer Lisa Bloom and spilled the tea about Baio saying he saw Baio sexually abuse Nicole, but Nicole wasn’t Baio’s only target.

He claims Baio came for him, too, and at one point made a hole in the canvas wall of Alexander’s dressing room and stuck his dick through it.  Grown-assed man Scott Baio making a glory hole in an underage boy’s dressing room?

Alexander says Baio abused him for the entire run of Charles in Charge, starting when he was 11 years old. It began when Alexander saw a then 14-year-old Nicole sitting on a then 26-year-old Scott Baio’s lap and wanted to join the fun—he thought Baio was telling her a story—but Baio became furious and pushed Alexander away and called him a “faggot.”

Baio began terrorizing Alexander daily; he started off telling this child about the kinds of gay sex acts he would perform when he got older. He told Alexander which female co-stars of the show he had sex with. He constantly called Alexander a faggot. Baio pulled down the boy’s pants in front of everyone. He became enraged at Alexander before shooting a scene and threw hot tea at his face.

Alexander says he told people on the set about the bullying, but they did nothing out of fear of losing their jobs, and so now he has also given his statement to the police although all he really wants is an apology from Scott Baio.

And Baio, well his lawyers, did hold a press conference that same day to say:

“For reasons I don’t understand I am the target of false claims that threaten everything that’s important in my life. I’m hurt, and I’m angry, but mostly I am stunned that anyone could be so cruel as to attack not just me but my entire family with lies. I will not let this continue unchallenged, and will use every ounce of strength and faith in God that I have to defeat the people behind this. This story is just beginning to be told.”

It’s the same old song and dance, Eggert and Polinsky are picking ion Scott Baio. Baio will never apologize for something he didn’t do and will sue them all.

Oh, and Scott? God isn’t on your side, dear.

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Well, even though the gossip magazines have been saying for months that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux were fine, they’re not.

They each announced this week that after two-and-a-half years of marriage, they’re done:

“In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship. Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.”

And now, cue the gossip magazines new stories about Jen running back to Brad.

And, um, maybe, Justin, running to me?

Just sayin’.

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It used to be that the trashiest of Real Housewives were the women of Atlanta, but all that changed when the No-Longer-Countess LuAnn de Lesseps drank her way into the wrong bed in a Palm beach hotel and was arrested for being a drunken slutty mess.

But LuAnn, never one to shy away from attention, has opted to reject a plea deal that would have saved her from doing time in the big house.

LuAnn will now go to court next month in South Florida over charges of being violent with an officer and resisting arrest.

Are we about to see The Real Housewives of Orange is the New Black?

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It's Snarkurday!

Last week Andy Cohen was cornered by a paparazzi who asked about Kathy Griffin’s newfound loathing of former BFF Anderson Cooper because he found her ugly display of _____’s bloody head childish and stupid and so now she hates him. But Cohen got the laugh because, when he was asked if he’d spoken to Kathy Griffin about her now lost New Year’s Eve gig, he served up some shade by saying:

“Who?”

Griffin, who recently called her ex-bestie a “spineless heiress” then went after Cohen on Twitter and the people who couldn’t believe Cohen said anything:

“Even when it's on tape, there are doubters? He is NOT kidding w paps. Was my boss for 10 years. Treated me like a dog. Deeply misogynistic”

Seriously. Kathy Griffin is supposed to be a comic who dishes and dogs and badmouths anyone, but she can clearly not handle the heat. Sit down, D-lister.

But, and I love this, Andy Cohen responded to Griffin’s next tirade that he is a coke monster by taking the high ground, right after taking the low road and calling Griffin a “bag of bull sh*t”:

“All I have to say about the mishegas of this weekend, and I only have one thing to say about this bag of bulls—t … it’s so funny, because I was ... standing there all that time waiting for the elevator, and that’s why it kept going on and on — and I didn’t really know how to pivot in the conversation. Like, ‘What, what, I don’t know!’ So I failed my Mariah impression. “So I didn’t land that ‘I don’t know her,’ but can I ask you a question? If you were a comedian and someone said, ‘I don’t know you,’ and it was obvious, like, aren’t there much more important things? How offensive is that in the galaxy?”

It’s offensive to a D-lister trying to stay afloat because it keeps her name in the media.

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Well, it’s been four loooong weeks since Kim Cattrall announced she was saving the world from a second bad sequel to Sex and the City and while most members of the cast were, at first, pissed about losing that paycheck, they’ve mostly moved on ... except Kristin Davis.

After hosting the 2017 Princess Grace Awards Gala last week and having E! News ask about the end of SATC, Kristin took to Instagram to write all about it:

“I’m just grateful. I know my co-stars are grateful as well that we have the fan support, that we have each other, that we love each other. We still…maybe we’ll figure out something to do, I don’t know, it would be great.”

Seriously, Kristin? Stop already, it’s a dead horse in Manolos and no one wants to see that. You’d be better off trying to score a Lifetime reboot of Melrose Place.

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Go figure ... the Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, was banned by the Bishop of New York from performing at Bette Midler’s Hulaween Gala last weekend.

Midler had invited Von Teese to perform at the party, which took place at The Cathedral Church of Saint John the Divine, but The Right Reverend Andrew M L Dietsche, the Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New York, was not pleased at all and ordered that Von Teese not be allowed to perform inside his Cathedral Church.

The website says it’s a “house of prayer for all people and a unifying center of intellectual light and leadership” but it’s also an event space which can be rented for events ... that don’t offend priests; Priests? Really? I bet a good many of them are dressed like Von Teese under their robes.

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Well, once hot actor, 62-year-old actor Christopher McDonald was arrested in Lake Arrowhead recently after he drove his silver Porsche off the highway, crashed into a gas meter at a supermarket, and ended up in an embankment.  And when police arrived, a witness claimed McDonald informed them he was in Happy Gilmore.

Yes, he was so drunk he thought if he name-dropped a crappy movie he’d be let go, and maybe it worked ... police took him to a nearby jail, where he slept it off and was released without bail.

Keep that in mind if you run off the road while drunk ... Happy Gilmore may get you off.

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Tyrese was performing in concert recently and decided to dedicate a song to his 10-year-old daughter Shayla.

Clearly, he opted for the musical love note to his daughter because right now he and his ex-wife, Norma Gibson, are fighting over custody of Shayla. Norma has a temporary restraining order for herself and Shayla against Tyrese, but a judge granted Tyrese a 6-hour court-monitored visit with his daughter.

I’m thinking, though, that when the judge gets wind of his love song to his daughter, he might wanna rethink the visitation, because the song Tyrese chose to bond with his child was Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On.

Apparently he’s taken a page from the Woody Allen book on fatherhood?

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This is rich ... last week Real Housewives of New Jersey’s table-flipping-convicted-felon-ex-con Teresa Giudice took part in a Real Housewives panel discussion—yes, that’s a real thing ... for morons with nothing better to do—and took a shot at Modern Family actress Sofia Vergara.

Teresa told a story ... emphasis on “story” ... about how she took a photo with Sofia at an event, and Sofia stepped in front of her ... a Real Housewife ... to “steal the spotlight.” And since felons rarely forget the sins, real and mostly imagined, committed against them, Teresa hasn’t forgotten ... and says Sofia complained about having to pose with Teresa. Hell, I’d complain to anyone and everyone if it was suggested I share the spotlight with Teresa Giudice:

“We’re in the green room and my publicist from Bravo was like, ‘You’re going to run into Sofia so you’re going to take pictures together.’ ‘Alright, that’s fine.’ I never ask for a picture because I’m so not like that. I don’t care. She didn’t want to take a picture. And I was just like… ‘I didn’t even do anything.’ And I was so mad at myself because I was like, ‘Bitch, I don’t even want to take a picture with you!’”

Says a media whore who sold herself and her husband’s criminal activity for a few coins from Bravo.

Afterward, Giudice’s makeup artist Priscilla DiStasio—most often seen putting lipstick on the pig—says she overheard Vergara ALLEGEDLY say “Why’d you make me take a picture with that woman?”

And, naturally, it got Teresa Two-Head—I mean  that clearly isn’t a forehead up there—to just go off, about Sofia being an immigrant and so she should treat people better:

“I was disappointed and hurt in the way she treated me ... I found it to be very rude and condescending given the fact that I had just met her, and I wasn’t the one asking for the photo. I figured that because we both shared very humble upbringings with families that emigrated to this country, she would have had more humility. I can’t stand her, sorry. I hate to say that, because I’m Italian, she’s Colombian. She has an accent, she has more of an accent than me. You would think that she would be nice—she’s an immigrant!”

Don’t you love it when a media-whoring-reality-hag who spent a year in prison for dozens of counts of bank, mail, wire, and bankruptcy fraud takes the moral high ground and tries to give etiquette lessons to immigrants?

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Kellan Lutz, of Twilight fame[?], recently gave an interview and discussed why he will not appear nude on film. Clearly, as you can see, Kellan has quite the, um, body of for work, but you won’t see him nekkid on the big screen ... and he’s blaming it on the fiancee:

“God gave me this body. He gave me the genetics. He gave me the ability to work out. He gave me the drive to do what I do, so I’m going to do it until he takes me out of it. And I also have boundaries for myself and my fiancée. I have dated actresses. Seeing them making out with other guys or sex scenes, it kills my heart. And if that makes you a brilliant actor and win awards—I don’t want awards.”

Well, I’m thinking he won’t ever have to worry about that but Kellan goes on to say that he is so adamant about not winning awards, he had his agent put it in his contract:

“I have a nudity clause. I just don’t think nudity needs to happen. For me, I don’t need to walk out of a shower showing my ass.”

Oh, Kellan, you’re not Daniel Day Lewis, who would probably go nude if the script called for it, and you do have a beautiful body, and. maybe, just maybe, you could have had Channing Tatum’s career if you bared your bum; I mean, it hasn’t hurt him, has it?

And seriously, since the first credit that pops up when your name appears in an article is a film franchise that ended in 2011, you might wanna reconsider.

If only for my sake?

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