I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Good news! Lindsay Lohan has left America for London recently, so the streets are safe from Lohan, the nightclubs are safe from Lohan; your TV is safe from Lohan. And the better news? She may stay there!

A friend — Hey Dina! — says Lindsay prefers the way people in London treat her like a … forgive me a slight giggle break … big star as opposed to trashy party girl. And Lindsay knows that for some reason, while she is basically unemployable as an actress, there are clubs and events in England that will hire her to show up and stumble about.

All I can say is, London, she’s your problem now.

I missed this somehow, but batshit crazy, religious wingnut, semi-literate Sherri Shepherd and her husband of not quite three years, Lamar Sally, are divorcing.

And it’s gonna get u-g-l-y.

Sally filed for the separation first and then he filed a new petition asking the court for custody of the child he and Shepherd conceived via surrogate … a child that isn’t even born yet!

According to Lamar’s legal papers, he wants full legal and physical custody of the unborn child, and asks that Shepherd be granted only visitation rights. He also wants spousal support and stated that their signed prenup should be invalidated because of fraud—though he failed to clarify what kind of fraud.

Sherri, for her part, wasn’t talking, seemingly taking the high road until ... probably Barbara's last day on The View.

I never knew my boyfriend Bradley Cooper was ever married, but apparently he was, from December 2006 to May 2007, a lifetime commitment in Hollywood.

His ex-wife was a kind of JLo-lite, Jennifer Esposito who watched their marriage end as Bradley’s star rose to Oscar nominee and she fell from being a serial guest-star on police procedurals to a semi-regular on CBS’ Blue Bloods until, she was let go from that show.

So what’s Esposito to do now? Well, trash her ex-husband whom she probably hasn’t seen in seven or eight years, that’s what.

Jennifer’s putting out her memoirs because she needs the coins and will be dishing on Coop, though she won’t mention him by name in the book, choosing to refer to him as a “funny, smart and cocky … master manipulator” who only cared about himself and dropped her ass out of nowhere.

And to prove she’s just delusional she actually says she didn’t “necessarily find him that attractive” though they quickly became a couple and married.  Esposito claims the relationship was an unhealthy one, focused primarily on his needs and nothing else and that she was “a nonissue.”

Yeah? So? I mean, ask the folks at Blue Bloods about your being a nonissue.

And then sit down.

I get a case of the itches just reading, and writing, this one.

Courtney Love, who is taking her Hole on tour again — these things practically write themselves — is saying that fellow literal dirt-bad Russell Brand once tried to get into her crusty granny pants but she turned him down flat because he smelled “too musky.”

Imagine the smells coming off that coupling and then go outside and garb a lung-full of clean air.

Well, after a hearing last week Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which sounds good until you learn he got the Lindsay Lohan Sentence, and may be out by the time you read this due to prison over-crowding … or having a high-powered attorney.

He was back in court for a probation violation hearing after he punched a guy in DC  who got too close, which is a violation of the probation he’s still on for punching Rihanna because she got too close.

The judge sentenced him to a year in jail but that will be whittled down to just a few days because Chrissy will get credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in rehab. And for every day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for two days, so, yeah, he’s probably already out and looking for someone to punch.

If we could just get him to London and in a room with Lohan we might be able to arrest two criminals with one punch.

Last March Gwyneth Paltrow came down from her high horse to give an interview in which she said that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night while she has to be on-set making millions and millions.

She actually said she has it harder being a mom than any other moms on the planet. Now, though, Goop is saying that her words were taken out of context and, well, let’s let her dig her own grave:

“A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule.

This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon?”

And stop. A dig at Chris Martin because she brought home some, or more, of the bacon? Now it's clear why she decided to talk about this after eight weeks, she got to diss her soon-to-be consciously uncoupled hubby.

Seriously, she needs to take a seat alongside Esposito and just stop.

Meanwhile, back at Lohan.

Remember how Lindsay dropped the miscarriage bombshell in the last episode of her reality show docu-series to explain why she’s a flake who can’t show up on time, if at all?

Well, Lindsay doesn’t like that you, or me, or anyone for that matter, thinks she’s an unrepentant liar and so she swore to the miscarriage under oath while testifying for a lawsuit over her clothing line 6126. The suit was delayed because last time she was sued she was in rehab.

But she better be telling the truth, or she could land in jail. Again.

Maybe not, though because now, although she said the word “miscarriage” in her deposition, and said the word “miscarriage” on TV, she doesn’t want to mention it again, especially in court because she wants her privacy respected.

Seriously.

Now, Jay-Z/Solange/Beyoncé.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the video of Solange going bat-shit on Jay-Z in the elevator while it appeared Beyoncé stood off to the side doing her nails, so let’s dissect …

It’s clear, now, that Beyoncé did try to act as a buffer between the Dueling Divas, though she also didn’t seem to be looking at either of them; and it’s clear that every chance Solange got she tried to scratch, claw, kick, bite and shriek at her sister’s husband. It’s also clear that, after the bodyguard stopped the elevator for a Solange time-out, once the trio reached the main floor, Jay-Z looked whipped, Solange looked pissed, and Beyoncé wore a sly smile.

No one commented, though Beyoncé posted a prayer on her Instagram account asking for God to help her family, while Solange went through her Instagram files and deleted every single picture of Beyoncé. That’s saying something, y’all.

Then, at a Brooklyn Nets playoff game later in the week, Beyoncé and Jay appeared courtside for the cameras acting all lovey-dovey and smiling while Solange probably was kept waiting in the car … trunk.

Now, for speculation:

Solange was just on a tear that night, ALLEGEDLY shrieking at her designer friend Rachel Roy and others earlier in the evening. Beyoncé was said to have broken up that fight, however.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who arrived on the red carpet at the Met Ball together — where Jay-Z made a great show on dropping to one knee and putting a ring Bey had dropped back on her finger — hardly spent any time together at the party; Beyoncé and Solange partied together, alone.

Solange ALLEGEDLY attacked her brother-in-law because after the Met Gala he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party alone and maybe Solange doesn’t like Jay-Z and RiRi together.

Jay-Z had reprimanded Solange earlier in the night after some of her non-famous friends used his name to get into the Met Gala.

Lots of speculation, but I keep going to back to that after-elevator picture and Beyoncé’s smile; that smile says, Eff with me again and my sister will come at you harder!

But then Jay and Bey and Sol released a joint statement about the incident days after it was caught on film which says everything and nothing:

 “As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it.

“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.”

“The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false,” the statement continued. “At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

Uh huh. Jay and Solange are at fault because while they were cursing and kicking and fighting, Beyoncé was checking the net for pictures of herself and looking at the full–length mirror in the elevator.

It’s just family, y’all, cat-fighting in evening gowns and tuxedos in an elevator. And it's all bettah now because Bey and Sol are posting pictures of themselves on Instagram again.

Uh huh. The universe has righted itself.

After being called an idiot by Jon Hamm and a piece of sh*t by Seth Rogen, Justin Bieber also took to the basketball courts to make a statement.

Only Little Justin didn’t get a Bey/Jay response.

He took his mommy Patti Mallette to an LA Angeles Clippers game on Mother’s Day, putting on the Good Son Show for photographers who had open access to the little tyke when …

A cameraman put Justin and his mom on the jumbotron and everyone inside the Staples Center booed.

It must have reminded Little Jussy about last month’s Juno Awards, where just the mention of the name Bieber sent the audience into booing spasms.

I’m thinking he should just get ready for more boos and more boos, and then jail time because you just know he’s gonna be arrested again.

He’s Junior League Lohan.

And speaking of Lohan …

Rumor has it that the big star — at least in London — is fast becoming the hard partying girl in London, too.

A source close to Lohan — Hey Dina! When did you cross the pond? — says Lohan is still using the drugs Ecstasy and Molly despite her sixth or seventh most recent stay in rehab.

“Lindsay is of course still partying. She never won’t use drugs and drink,” the source, who set down her chardonnay long enough to speak in anonymity. “Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’”

Lohan is ALLEGEDLY taking the prescription medications Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall — funny, though, on her reality-show docu-series she said she was off Addy — Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium to treat psychiatric problems.

And given Lohan’s history with drugs and lying, it’s not out of the realm that she’s still using.

But this time she won’t get another Oprah A Ha moment.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

JLo. She seemingly has it all: the kids, the career, the fabulous wardrobe, the decade’s younger boyfriend she can ride like a rodeo clown … TMI? Sorry, moving on …. But one thing she has that I never knew about was a problem sleeping alone. Now, I don’t mean sleeping alone as in ride ‘em like a rodeo clown, climb down, and fall asleep. I mean, she ALLEGEDLY cannot sleep in her bed alone, and after she puts Casper and the kids down for the night, La Lopez crawls into bed with her assistant. Yes, apparently JLo makes her female assistant sleep in the same bed with her—no funny business, mind you—it’s just that Lopez likes the company.

An inside source—and you know it’s Casper looking for extra scratch when he spends all his allowance—says, “It has nothing to do with sex. When Jennifer and her ex Marc Anthony were traveling all over South America taping for their 2012 show ‘Q’Viva, Casper often didn’t accompany her—and when he wasn’t around, she’d ask her female cousin/assistant, Tiana, to spend the next right next to her because ‘I just get so lonely in bed!’”

Perhaps that’s the root of all her issues, but it also begs the question: how does one share a bed with JLo’s California King-sized ass?

Well, Conrad Murray is currently behind bars because he was found guilty of giving drug addict Michael Jackson the drugs that killed him.

But there is another court case involving Jackson that is still ongoing. Jackson’s family is suing concert promotion company AEG saying they hired Murray to be Jackson’s doctor so they basically killed him, too.

Whatevs. The real story is some of the :::cough cough::: testimony going on in that courtroom. See, AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips says he has proof that Jackson’s death was an accident because he, pay attention now, he, Randy Phillips, spoke with Lionel Richie’s ex-wife, Brenda Harvey claimed that her psychic says Jackson’s ghost came to see her and told her that his death was an accident.

This is testimony.

Many in the court burst into laughter, but Judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony stand; meaning the jury will have to consider that a ghost told a psychic who told her friend who told this CEO that Jackson’s death was accidental.

Oy.

One would have thought that Charlie Sheen had learned his lesson after warring with Chuck Lorre on the 2.5 Men set and finding his ass fired, but crackheads never really learn.

And sometimes they win.

Sheen is still ALLEGEDLY incensed that Ashton Kutcher took over the 2.5 Men lead, and is also dating Mila Kunis. See, back when Charlie was full-on-in-your-0face crazy, and hiring a team of “goddesses” to help him, he wondered aloud about Mila Kunis taking on the role. She didn’t, and then she began dating his arch nemesis, Kutcher.

Well, Charlie is like a dog with a bone, or a crackhead with a pipe, and will not let go of the idea of getting Mila Kunis. You see, Charlie wants Mila to take over Selma Blair’s role in “Anger Management” and, in trying to arrange it, he had Blair fired because she had the nerve to complain that the porn-and-drug-addicted asshat was late and stuff to work.

So, bam, Blair’s out and Charlie is waving around a $10 million paycheck for Kunis who, like most of America if Anger Management’s downward ratings indicate, isn’t listening.

So, on the heels of Lohan’s exit from the Betty Ford Center for a more serene and spa-like Malibu rehab, Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller is also leaving the BFC.

Apparently Brooke, undergoing her twenty-something attempt, followed by a twenty-something failure, at rehab did not like the fact that she had to do chores at Betty Ford so she left without a word.

An insider—and who’s more inside at rehab than Lohan—says, “Brooke didn’t tell anyone, including her lawyer, that she had left Betty Ford. [She] hated Betty Ford because she was required to do daily chores, which she resented. She complained that Betty Ford was just too hard. Betty Ford is hardcore and Brooke just doesn’t respond well in situations where she can’t call the shots.”

But, her abrupt move to leave the facility and head to an easier rehab in San Juan Capistrano just might be the death knell in her bid to get her children—twin sons of Charlie Sheen—back from another Sheen ex, Denise Richards.

Lohan, er, the source, says, “This could have a serious impact on Brooke’s bid to get custody of the twins. Brooke just doesn’t seem to be taking get sober that seriously. Her doctors at Betty Ford advised her not to leave, but she did anyway. Her counselors will be submitting an extensive report about Brooke’s time at Betty Ford and it won’t be glowing, that is for sure.”

Happily, the chances are low that Brooke Mueller will ever have primary custody of her sons; sadly, it seems that the boys won’t grow up with either of the parents—who have yet to grow up themselves—and may find that they will be Denise Richard’s boys now.

Oh, it wouldn’t be gossip without Lohan—even if Lindsay is still in rehab lockdown.

It’s been just over a week since Lindsay paid off asked a judge to let her out of the Betty Ford Clinic and into a celebrity-friendly rehab in Malibu because it’s summer and the parties are in Malibu, so, yeah, Lindsay + Malibu – rehab = arrests. I’m guessing.

Except now she’s not happy in Malibu and wants to make this The Lindsay Lohan Rehab World Tour, Part One—because, bitches, you know there’s gonna be a sequel.

Lindsay wants to transfer again, and head to the east coast where maybe she and mama Dina can share a room because how Dina has escaped rehab all these years is amazing. But, Lindsay says she wants to go east because it’s easier for family to see her, and rehab is all about visits from home, not getting your issues dealt with and trying yet another stab at sobriety.

So, let’s get this straight, or queer, or whatever: Lohan was ordered to Morningside Clinic by the judge, and she did go; I mean, she sat in her car in the driveway and left without entering, but she was there. Then she went to Betty Ford and apparently kicked a nurse—I’m kidding, maybe—because they refused to let her continue taking Adderall. And so she hustled her way of the BFC and into Malibu, where she thought she could keep her prescriptions until they said ‘No’ and now she wants out again.

Yeah, this’ll turn out great.

And what would a week be without a visit from Little Miss Justine Bieber.

He’s such a rock star, you know, and as rocks stars are apt to do, he took to partying it up Big Boy style while staying at an upscale hotel in New York City.

It seems Miss Justine was ready to get down with her bad self, and called downstairs for some extra special goodie bags for the festivities. An inside—and it could be anyone because, other than prepubescent girls and Lesbians, no one likes The Biebs—says, “He asked for more intimacy kits with condoms. He always requests condoms…and jelly beans!”

Condoms and Jelly Beans.

I can’t with that; it says it all. I can picture Justine and her BFFs sitting around the hotel filling condoms with jelly beans so they can have party favors on the bus.

Poor Miss Thang.

A little more on Mila Kunis, although it’s never really about Kunis, it’s about the men who want a piece of Kunis. And this time it’s one Russell Brand—who, we learned this week, asked Katy Perry for a divorce via a text message … shades of Berger’s Post-It note break-up with Carrie on Sex and The City­—who wants some Mila for himself. 

But Brand lost out, too, like Charlie Sheen, though the big difference is, Charlie lost Mila to Ashton, while Russell lost Mila to … wait for it … Macaulay Culkin. I.Know!

It seems Brand was filming with Mila Kunis when he tried to charm her into becoming one of his conquests—the looks-like-he-doesn’t-bathe comedian is ALLEGEDLY a sex addict—and she said, ‘No.’ Cuz she was dating that kid from Home Alone. That has got to hurt, you know?

Russell Brand:  “She’s so gorgeous, just so gorgeous and I was chatting her up and got the conversation around to have you got a boyfriend, and then you know that feeling of how long do I have to entertain a conversation? Then I go away and she keeps talking about her boyfriend Mac, this is when I was on Sarah Marshall. Eventually she said he’s coming tomorrow and there was some sort of fanfare, she was so excited. Then when he came it wasn’t Mac – it was Macaulay Culkin. He’d got longer and looked pale and scared of himself, like a shaved horse. There was a horror about him and I thought, ‘you can’t f**k him – that’s the lad from Home Alone’.”

But that begs the question: which is worse? F**king the kid from Home Alone or f**king Russell Brand.

Discuss.

And since we started with JLo, let's end with JLo at the ceremony for receiving her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I'm'a keep this simple:

Girl looks older than Casper's mama.

Girl couldn't find a decent pair of shoes?

Girl couldn't get a dress that wasn't wrinkled?

Girl gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Who'd she bang for that?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lindsay Lohan isn’t okay with sharing the spotlight, especially at one of her favorite Hollywood night clubs.

A source—and you just know it’s fame-whoring momager Dina, after draining another box of chardonnay—says, the Liz & Dick cracktress put a wrench in E! reality star Francesca Eastwood’s birthday bash.

“Francesca was celebrating her birthday with around a dozen friends in a private area when Lindsay came over and started screaming that Francesca should leave,” Dina says. “She was yelling ‘I’m a star, she’s a nobody, get her out of here!’”

Lindsay Lohan? I’m.A.Star. I could die. Of laughing.

But Dina continues, “One poor guy came over and tried to calm [Lindsay] down and she acted aggressively. At that point the security told her to leave and it was totally embarrassing. She is acting like some bad ’80s film star, and it is hard to watch because she needs help.”

But before Lohan could scurry away like the nightclub cockroach she is, she and her driver—and I’ll give her points for having someone else drive—almost hit one of the valet guys as they left.

All of which begs the question:

Why is she such a cracktress? And why do folks keep hiring her? And why can’t I stop laughing that Lohan screamed “I’m a star.”?

More importantly, though, why do clubs still allow Lindsay inside?

Tom Cruise wants to be the Best Daddy Ever, and is taking great pains to make sure he wins the title, and, eventually, full custody of Suri.

While Katie enrolls Suri in school, and takes her on play dates, Tommy is whisking her away, in a private jet no less, to Disney, where he rents the unpurchasable Cinderella Castle Suite for his daughter.

She was treated like a princess while he acted like a queen.

But, in the wake of Katie’s Mission Impossible: Escape From Tom, he needs to revamp his image. I mean, let’s face it, when your wife needs to use burner phones and plan her escape while you’re out of town, it screams a little battered wife. No, and I don’t mean physically abusive, but perhaps emotionally and mentally abusive. The whole story of how Katie managed to slip out of a window, scale the fence, and bike ride from LA to NYC just to get away from Tom screams Lifetime movie.

So, Tom needs a new image. Good Daddy! Best Daddy. Take his daughter everywhere and give her everything while Mommy says ‘No’ to the puppy.

But, really, could a makeover make us believe that Tom would be a better parent than Katie Holmes. He’s all about fun and games and giving her everything while Katie enrolls her in school and dance classes.

But according to sources, Suri’s happiness isn’t all that Tom wants. It seems that Tom’s makeover into full-time caring Daddy is simply to wait for the day he can get in a courtroom and hoping a judge will ask Suri where she wants to live: with Daddy in FantasyLand, or with Mommy in the real world.

For Tommy, she’s not a daughter, but a trophy to be won so his image doesn’t continue to tarnish.

I love Anne Hathaway.

I love Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.

But, ALLEGEDLY JGL doesn’t feel so hot about Annie.

They may have been all smiles during the Dark Knight Rises press tour, but sources—and I think it’s Michael Caine—say JGL actually can’t stand Hathaway. He ALLEGEDLY feels that she acts like an insufferable snob toward him and that the awkwardness got so bad between them during filming that whenever she’d walk into a room, he’d immediately walk out of it.

“He thinks she’s a good actress, but he just doesn’t understand her ego,” says, ALLEGEDLY, Michael Caine. “Also, Anne was very dismissive of Joseph early in her career. She even turned down a couple of jobs where she was supposed to act opposite him.”

But with this movie, she was actually at a disadvantage because when JGL was cast he already had a long relationship with director Christopher Nolan. So, if Annie didn’t like him there wasn’t much she could do.

I dunno about this. It reeks of a made-up story because JGL and Hathaway seem like two nice, hardworking, cute—her—and adorkably hot—him—people. I would think that the press people made up the rumors to drum up business, but since Dark Knight has already made about a billion dollars they don’t need this kind of gossip…..

I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars but I’ve always thought Derek Hough was a big old homo. I know, he has a reputation for wooing the ladies, and even, ALLEGEDLY, dated his dancing partner on DWTS, Shannon Elizabeth, though she later admitted it was all for the show. And then he had a :::cough::: romance with Cheryl Cole which juts long enough for her to find someone better, or straighter.

And then there’s the story that Derek just loves his sister’s boyfriend, the ambiguously gay, Ryan Seacrest.

Insert beard jokes here:

But one thing Derek doesn’t like is being photographed. In a gay bar. I know!

Derek Hough, in some shiny silver pants, shook his bon-bon at Jam, a gay club in his hometown of Salt Lake City, but he went all RuPaul raging when a fan asked for a picture.

Though it’s been reported that he is dating “DWTS” contestant and opera singer Katherine Jenkins, she was nowhere in sight when Derek danced with his buddies at Jam. But fan Ken Lee was there and he wanted a picture with Derek.

“I’m a big fan of Derek’s, and I always thought or HOPED he was gay,” says Ken Lee. “Seeing him shimmying with his buddies at the gay club wearing skintight, shiny silver pants just made my mind scream!”

But when Ken approached Derek for a photo, the dancer “got all nervous and fidgety and stammered, ‘No, no, no — not here!’”

“I was really careful about approaching him respectfully,” Ken explained. “I went up to Derek and said, ‘excuse me’ and asked very nicely if I could have a photo taken with him. Well, he couldn’t have been more rude or a bigger diva! I was like, OK, he’s clearly not comfortable about having his picture taken in a gay bar. If you’re not gay, then what’s the problem? Derek’s behavior was very suspect Derek very well may not be gay, but he sure was dressed pretty and threw an impressive hissy fit when I asked for a photo!”

Silver pants. Gay bar. All boys.

Yeah, gay.

I love Robert Downey Jr. Even in his crackiest drug and alcohol induced stupors he was a better actor than most. And he’s also a bit nutty.

While filming David Fincher’s Zodiac, RDJr was not familiar with the—new at that time—way of shooting a film digitally. Fincher’s use of digital cameras meant less time for breaks, making the process very fast, and RDJr was not happy.

In fact, he was downright pissy.

So much so, that Fincher says RDJr would leave jars filled with urine around the set, in protest.

Yup. He’s a pisser all right.

And I still like him.

Katy Perry is still dating serial manwhore, and utterly fugly musician, John Mayer. And he is really not much of a step up from ex-husband Russell Brand. In fact, he’s a step down, to the left, and around the corner, in a dumpster.

But Katy’s happy so all’s well.

Except when Russell talks about her. See, that makes Katy mad. Even though she included footage of him in her movie after Brand asked her not to, and even though she parodied him in her music video, “Wide Awake,” in which she punched her Prince Charming in the face.

That’s all good, in Katy’s world.

But when Russell Brand scarcely mentioned her on Howard Stern’s show she went off. Though Russell tried to evade the questions, he ended up saying, “I don’t want anything to hurt her. She’s younger than me, she’s a young woman and she’s beautiful and she’s sensitive and I care about her deeply … I don’t want to be too glib.”

Nice, actually, especially, coming from Brand. But Katy was pissed anyway, and now she’s trying to legally prevent Russell from saying anything about her at all, anywhere, ever.

Hypocritical much?

To that end, Perry is seeking a gag order to stop Russell Brand from speaking about their failed marriage in public.

Yeah. I know.

The only saving grace is that when Mayer dumps Perry, and he will, you just know he’ll do a whole series of songs about his blue-haired crazy ex-girlfriend.

And then Katy will learn that Karma is a bigger bitch than she.