I Didn't say It ...

Michael Elizabeth Pence, bigot and homophobe, speaking at an event honoring National Adoption Month beaming about the _____ plan to roll back an Obama-era rule that barred taxpayer-funded adoption and foster care agencies from rejecting same-sex couples based on religious beliefs:

“Let me assure all of you that we understand the role that communities fo faith play in adoption … I couldn’t be more proud that at President _____’s direction and with the strong support of leaders across foster care, adoption, and our faith communities, we’ve taken decisive action. We’ve reversed the rule implemented in the closing days of the last administration that jeopardized the ability of faith-based providers to serve those in need by penalizing them for their deeply held religious beliefs. We will stand for the freedom of religion and we will stand with faith-based organizations to support adoption. We will stand for the freedom of religion, and we will stand with faith-based organizations to support adoption.”

Remember this one the next time you hear this deeply closeted and self-loathing homosexual tell you that he has no issue with the LGBTQ+ community .

Then tell him to Fuck off.

And tell Mother, too.

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Amy Klobuchar, presidential candidate who has no shot, says a woman with the same experience as Pete Buttigieg would not make it to the debate stage:

“Of the women on the stage—I’m focusing here on my fellow women senators, Senator Harris, Senator Warren and myself—do I think that we would be standing on that stage if we had the experience that he had? No, I don’t. Maybe we’re held to a different standard.”

Oh Amy, stop whining and finish out your run. You had a shot, Pete has a shot, but just because people seem to like him more isn’t some anti-female conspiracy. It has less to do with Pete’s gender, or sexual orientation, than it has to do with the fact that he is a decent man, a veteran, a man of faith, who has some great ideas for where to take this country. Oh, and it has to do with amount of money raised so you can be on that debate stage.

Look in a mirror; you aren’t presidential.

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Jeff Sessions, _____’s former Attorney General has launched a Senate bid in Alabama and started up by licking the hole of _____ in his first political ad:

“When I left President Trump’s cabinet, did I write a tell all book? No. Did I go on CNN and attack the President? Nope. Have I said a cross word about President Trump? Not one time. And I’ll tell you why: First, that would be dishonorable. I was there to serve his agenda, not mine. Second, the President is doing a great job for America and Alabama, and he has my strong support.”

Wait, is this the height of pathetic or what? I mean _____ fired Sessions, and called him the worst mistake in hiring he has ever made, and yet this little Keebler Elf is so desperate to be elected to office that he’ll gloss over that fact?

I’m embarrassed for him.

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Chris Hayes, MSNBC, on Jeff Sessions’ ad:

“Now, that is probably, I’m just guessing, not going to appease the president. NBC News reports it has been made clear to Sessions that _____ intends to campaign against him. According to the Washington Post, _____ has even joked to senators and White House aides that he would move to Alabama and compete against Sessions himself in the primary, which would be weird and, I guess, interesting. So now the question is, will the president go to war against perhaps the person most likely to carry the state for Republicans?”

We all know _____ holds a grudge and he’d put himself over the GOP any day, so I’d love to see him campaign against Sessions and Sessions beg to be loved.

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_____ Junior, has a new book out, and offers example of his entire family’s sense of delusion after a visit to Arlington National Cemetery the day before his father’s inauguration:

“I rarely get emotional, if ever. I guess you’d call me hyper-rational, stoic. Yet as we drove past the rows of white grave markers, in the gravity of the moment, I had a deep sense of the importance of the presidency and a love of our country … In that moment, I also thought of all the attacks we’d already suffered as a family, and about all the sacrifices we’d have to make to help my father succeed—voluntarily giving up a huge chunk of our business and all international deals to avoid the appearance that we were ‘profiting off of the office.' Frankly, it was a big sacrifice, costing us millions and millions of dollars annually … Of course, we didn’t get any credit whatsoever from the mainstream media, which now does not surprise me at all.”

Seriously? Visiting the graves of men and women who gave their lives fighting for this country, and he recalls how he and Daddy were picked on? And how much money they lost because Daddy stole an election?

There’s so much to say, but it all boils down to this …

Fuck off, little boy.

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Nikki Haley, former United Nations ambassador, in her new memoir, claiming that former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly tried to recruit her to subvert _____:

“Kelly and Tillerson confided in me that when they resisted the president, they weren’t being insubordinate, they were trying to save the country. It was their decisions, not the president’s, that were in the best interests of America, they said. The president didn’t know what he was doing.”

Let’s remember that in 2016 Haley, as governor of South Carolina, actively campaigned against _____, and even endorsed Marco Rubio for president.

Marco-effing-Rubio.

And then, when _____ came a’calling she took a job with him and became his lapdog. And she sat with Miss Lindsey—what is it with these South Carolina flip-flopping asshatted politicians and _____—drank the Kool-Aid.

Let’s also remember that rumor has it that, if he decides to run again, and doesn’t get impeached or go to jail, that _____ will dump Pence and replace him with Nikki.

That explains a lot.

She’s a typical lying pandering looking out only for herself asshat.

I’m done.

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Chris Wallace, Fox “News” anchor, on Day One of the impeachment hearings:

“William Taylor was a very impressive witness and was very damaging to the president. First of all … he took very copious notes at almost every conversation, I think very nonpolitical. He went out of his way to talk about what he knew, what he was specifically testament to. The only thing he talked about was a strong feeling that it was in the U.S. national security interests to support Ukraine in the fight against Russia. But he certainly wasn’t taking any partisan position.”

Uh oh, Chris, you better be careful lest _____ place a call to Hannity and “Judge” Jeanine and they try to beat you up in the parking lot for not toeing the line.

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Jim Jordan, GOP Congressman, who ALLEGEDLY covered up for a rapist at a university, and now covers for a rapist in the White House, ending his blathering rant about the fact that the Ukraine whistleblower wouldn’t be testifying at the impeachment hearings:

“There’s one witness, one witness that they won’t bring in front of us, they won’t bring in front of the American people, and that’s the guy who started it all, the whistleblower.”

I saw this bit, and poor Jim Jordan, of the thinning hair and whiny deliver, looked like the lapdog of a bully hoping to please his master.

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Peter Welch, Democratic Congressman, agreeing with Jordan about one witness hiding from the proceedings:

“I say to my colleague [Jim Jordan], I would be glad to have the person who started it all come in and testify. President _____ is welcome to take a seat right there.”

Snap!

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The Funny Papers

Kevin Siers, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Scott Stantis, Darrin Bell, Matt Wuerker, Jim Morin, JD Crowe, Gary Huck, Mike Luckovich, Michael de Adder

Tuesday Thought #4

Bobservations

Several weeks ago, Carlos called me at work to ask if I could take off July 20th and drive him to an eye appointment; I said I’d make the request right away and I did so,

Cut to July 19th and we’re driving to work in the morning, and I say:

“What time is your appointment in the morning?”

“It’s at 4 o’clock.”

“Four? Why’d you ask me to take the day off? I could have worked and just left about a half hour early.”

“I wanted to make sure we could get there on time.”

“Well, I’m sure we can since we have the entire day to drive the forty miles.”

Oy. That man. That adorable man.

A McDonald’s in Glastonbury, Connecticut is throwing some shade at a newly opened Chick-fil-A right next door, by posting that sign outside their restaurant:

 “We Welcome Everyone.”

Cuz, you know, Chick-fil-Anti-gay. Now, the manager at that McDonald’s says:

“It just means that everyone is welcome, young and old, everyone.”

The shade! I love it.

Sean Spicer, _____’s original liar, has a book to sell, but apparently it’s riddled with :::gasp::: lies, or, as most people call them lies.

One blatant error? Spicer refers to the author of the infamous _____ dossier as ‘Michael Steele, who is actually the former chairman of the Republican National Committee, not the British ex-spy Christopher Steele.

Seriously, Sean? Alternative facts, lies, or just plain stupidity?”

The title for the upcoming eighth season of American Horror Story has been officially revealed:

American Horror Story: Apocalypse

The new season is said to be a crossover of season one’s Murder House and season three’s Coven and will premiere on FX September 12. Confirmed cast members include Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Kathy Bates, Billie Lourd, Adina Porter, Cheyenne Jackson, Billy Eichner, Leslie Grossman, oh-so-yummy-and-oh-so-gay Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, right, Kyle Allen and … Joan Collins.

Plus, Emma Roberts will reprise her role as Coven's bitchy witchy Madison Montgomery.

I’m in!

Color me sad… Ivanka _____’s clothing line is kaput!

It will be shuttered, and employees have already been told to get out. In a statement, Ivanka said lied:

“When we first started this brand, no one could have predicted the success that we would achieve. After 17 months in Washington, I do not know when or if I will ever return to the business, but I do know that my focus for the foreseeable future will be the work I am doing here in Washington, so making this decision now is the only fair outcome for my team and partners.”

Wait, so the line was extremely successful? Y’all know that _____’s don’t run from cash, they run from failure and try to spin it into success. The line bombed, no one was buying, and Ivanka fled.

On the upside, since the line was manufactured everywhere but MAGA-land, no Americans have lost their jobs.

In this week’s edition of Racism Valet … out there in Berkeley, Essex Cook was walking along a street with his family when a woman began following them and verbally assaulting them.

In a video, the woman, Lauren Milewski, shrieks to the interracial family:

“You don’t belong here. Get out of Berkeley, Get out of here, You don’t belong anywhere.”

When Essex’s cousin, Elexia, tried to de-escalate the situation, Lauren Milewski became physically violent, and grabbed Elexia’s dress and hit her.

Sadly, several people walked by the altercation and said and did nothing, until finally one group of passersby called the police.

Lauren Milewski, racist asshat and thug, was arrested on suspicion of public drunkenness and violating parole.

Yes, the woman who suggested that an interracial family doesn’t belong on the streets of Berkeley, is on probation for grand theft.

Here’s the deal … when you see a Lauren Milewski out there verbally and physically assaulting someone, say something, Call someone, Dom something.

Walking by is being complicit.

At the White House’s annual “Made in America Product Showcase” event this week, Congresswoman Claudia Tenney noticed an odd thing about the place settings in the State Dining Room.

The flatware was made in China.

At a Made In America Showcase.

That’s America under _____.

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

The Brady Bunch house is for sale! For …. $1.885 million. And it does not come with Alice!

The 2,500-square-foot house in Studio City neighborhood hit the market after having the same owners for 45 years. Sadly, the couple passed away, and their children clearly didn’t wanna play Brady … and loved the idea of pockets of coin … so they opted to sell.

The listing claims the Brady house is the second-most photographed house in the country after the White House. And listing agent, Jodie LeVitus Francisco, says there’s a lot of interest, and it’s coming from developers who want to take a wrecking ball to the house much like that football slammed into Marcia Brady’s nose when everyone knows “Mom said don’t play ball in the house.”

So, it’s a tear-down? What’s going up in its place? Starbucks? CVS? The house from Mama’s Family?

This week _____’s Department of Agriculture announced it would offer $12 billion in aid to farmers hindered by retaliatory tariffs imposed on U.S. grain, produce and meat exports.

Those retaliatory tariffs are in response top _____’s tariffs imposed on other countries.

Let me get this queer: _____ imposes tariffs on Chinese goods. China responds in kind by imposing tariffs on American food stuffs. _____ then offers a $12 billion bail-out with money borrowed from … China.

Seriously?

Diminutive Attorney General Jeff Sessions was speaking to a group of conservative high school when they began chanting “Lock her up.” Let’s not even wonder why they’ll still chanting that except to say they have nothing to offer to the conversation, but … Session actually laughed at the chant:

“I heard that a long time over the last campaign.”

Sessions bets be careful, lest someone grab him and put him on a high shelf where he cannot get down.

I just heard that singer Demi Lovato is in the hospital recovering from a drug overdose. Lovato has a long history of substance abuse but had been clean for the last six years until recently.

But, Lovato wrote and recorded and released a song called “I’m Not Sober” recently, which has me wondering … I mean, she wasn’t sober when she wrote the song, she wasn’t sober when she recorded the song, she wasn’t sober when she released the song, and she wasn’t sober when she recently forgot the words to the song in a live performance. That all means she hasn’t been sober for quite some time and yet those around her did nothing to stop her or get her help.

See, to them Demi Lovato is a paycheck and if she doesn’t perform, they don’t get paid. What does it matter if she’s literally singing for help?

We all know that the news lately is bad, and vile and, well, _____. But at least I’ve found some solace, some way to listen to the news and not feel completely awful.

Whit Johnson, top left, has a perfect newsman name and a Clark Kent aura; he’s on GMA nearly every morning and I can take bad news when he smiles at me.

Jeremy Diamond, top right, is on CNN and between him, all beast mode and stuff, and Jim Acosta, it’s getting hot up in there.

Lastly, but never least, because he’s been here before is the, I hope, aptly named James Longman, bottom, I’m guessing, also of ABC with an English accent, a rockin’ bod and some homosexual tendencies … he’s gay, y’all.

The news is somehow more palatable.

The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Scott Stantis, Steve Breen, Drew Sheneman, Steve Sack,RJ Matson, Clay Bennett, Dave Granlund, Ed Wexler, Marc Murphy

I Didn't Say It ...

Adam Rippon, US Olympic figure skater, on how his life has changed since coming out and taking on Bigot Pence:

“Being here at the Olympics it does give me a louder voice. And I’ve got a big mouth and a loud voice. But it has given men a platform. I think it’s so important that I use this platform to my advantage. I think that me using my voice has given my skating a greater purpose. I’ve gotten so many messages from young kids all over the country that my story has resonated with them and it’s incredibly powerful…In the past week I’ve heard a lot of people like, ‘whoa, Adam Rippon should tone it down.’ I can’t tone it down. I’m being me. And I’m being myself. And I’d be doing myself an injustice, and I’d be doing an injustice to those kids who don’t feel like they’re comfortable to be themselves. I talked to you about how I felt before the Games. And you know, it’s brought a lot of attention and questions to my other teammates. I don’t want to distract from their Olympic experience and I don’t want my Olympic experience to be about Mike Pence.”

We don’t want anything to be about Mike Pence, but thanks for standing up nonetheless.

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Antonio Sabato Jr., is running for Congress in California and playing the Obama is a Muslim card:

“No, what I was saying was he changed his name to ‘Obama’ because he followed the Islam religion when he was growing up. So I felt once you’re in that religion, you stay for the rest of your life.”

As Judge Judy says, beauty fades but dumb is forever…and now it’s running for Congress.

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Joe Biden, suggesting _____ may be compromised by Russia and Putin:

“Look, you know, I want to give every American, including the president, the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t fathom any reason other than he is concerned of what Putin might say or do, or what information he may or may not have.”

Come on, Joe, take him on. Run!

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Andrew Garfield, actor, one again saying he is heterosexual, but can see himself having sex with a man:

“Up until this point, I’ve only been sexually attracted to women. My stance toward life, though, is that I always try to surrender to the mystery of not being in charge. I think most people — we’re intrinsically trying to control our experience here, and manage it, and put walls around what we are and who we are. I want to know as much of the garden as possible before I pass — I have an openness to any impulses that may arise within me at any time. But, if I were to identify, I would identify as heterosexual, and being someone who identifies that way, and who’s taking on this seminal role, my scariest thought was, Am I allowed to do this?”

So, you’re straight but you might have sex with men, but you’ve never had sex with men and you’re straight and attracted to women?

Have I got that queer?

Siddown. You’re just posing.

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Jennie Willoughby, ex-wife of former White House staff secretary and alleged abuser, Rob Porter, on _____’s skepticism that she was a victim of domestic abuse:

“In light of the President’s and the White House’s continued dismissal of me and Colbie, I want to assure you my truth has not been diminished. I own my story and now that I have been compelled to share it, I’m not willing to cover it up for anyone. And for any men, women, or children currently in situations of abuse, please know: It is real. You are not crazy. You are not alone. I believe you.”

Of course a sexual predator and abuser will always stand by another abuser.

It’s what they do. I believe the women.

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Mick Mulvaney, _____lackey, defending the President-For-Now and his Tweet defending abuser Rob Porter:

“What I think you saw there was a couple of different things. That tweet we can be applied to a bunch of different people. When I saw the tweet, I noticed Rob Porter wasn’t mentioned. I had wondered if he was talking about his friend Steve Wynn who has been essentially condemned without due process. What you also saw that from the president is a certain sadness that somebody that he liked had let him down.”

So, it boils down to this:_____ has so many domestic abusers around him that Mulvaney wasn’t sure who he was talking about.

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Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs coach, on why it's important for the NBA to promote Black History Month:

"We live in a racist country… And it's always important to bring attention to it, even if it angers some people."

Plus, and get this clear, Black History is American History; it’s part of this country and to ignore or act like it’s for someone else is to diminish all history.

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Jeff Sessions, our National Keebler Elf and Attorney General, might just be a white supremacist:

"I want to thank every sheriff in America. Since our founding, the independently elected sheriff has been the people's protector, who keeps law enforcement close to and accountable to people through the elected process. The office of sheriff is a critical part of the Anglo-American heritage of law enforcement."

Anglo: a white, English-speaking American as distinct from a Hispanic American.

Yup. And it turns out that using the phrase "Anglo-American heritage" seems to have been an impromptu decision by Sessions because a written version of his remarks didn’t contain that phrase, but used the words … “The sheriff is a critical part of our legal heritage" … instead.

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Anderson Cooper, on the Fox News asshat John Moody’s assertion—that has since been deleted, that the motto of the Olympics, “Faster, Higher, Stronger”, might have been changed to “Darker, Gayer, Different”:

“First of all, darker, gayer, different is a terrible motto for the Olympics. It’s not a bad motto for a gay bar, I’ll give you that, but I’ll just assume those aren’t Mr. Moody’s favorite watering holes. Apparently Mr. Moody likes his Winter Olympics like he likes his orthodontia – straight, white, and all the same. [But] why is he clutching his pearls in fear and outrage over Team USA? Well it turns out that of over 244 athletes on the team, two of them had the courage to say openly and proudly that they’re gay. And as for the darker part of Mr. Moody’s Olympic fever dream? 10 [athletes]. Does this guy seriously have so little to do that he’s sitting around worrying that people who have no athletic ability get put on an Olympic team just because they’re gay or African American? And does it strike anyone else as hugely inappropriate that a guy who’s apparently high up at a news organization is upset about another organization striving for diversity? Moody’s comments might be funny if he was just a crank standing out on the street corner on Sixth Avenue outside Fox & Friends trying to get his sign on camera with a sign saying ‘darker, gayer, different’…but he is actually inside the building in a top position…I don’t know exactly what he does. It doesn’t sound like he does much – but as a gay man, if I was working under him, I sure would not feel all that welcome.”

It’s Fox News; stupid makes the news. Ignorance rules; bigotry and homophobia and asshattery are the norm.

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