The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Daniel Boris, Dennis Goris, Lalo Alcaraz, Chris Britt, John Cole, Nick Anderson,  S.G. Artley, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Steve Brodner,

The Funny Papers

Dave Whamond, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Nick Anderson, Benjamin Slyngstad, Clay Bennett, David Horsey, Gary Huck, Tim Campbell, Drew Sheneman, RJ Matson,

Ain't That America XVII

Well, the retribution has begun as Cankles is siccing his DOJ Lapdog Pammy Jo Bondi on his so-called enemies … he’s asking to release the Amelia Earhart files because of Jeffrey Epstein … he’s doxing Democrats … Border Barbie is helping her friends and donors while others suffer … and more. On the upside, Melanie has released a line of Christmas Ornaments … I haven’t seen them but I imagine they were created in the Devil’s Sweatshop with child labor … so let’s go ….

Cankles wants to release the files about Amelia Earhart and there are two possible reasons. One, a donor of his paid him to do it, or … Two, he needs another distraction from the Epstein Files.

Personally, I think that unless Amelia Earhart crashed on Epstein Island, no one cares.

Democrat Representative Mikie Sherrill and other leading Democrats want an investigation into a politically motivated leak by Cankles and the GOP of Sherrill’s unredacted military service records, which included her Social Security number and other personal details, to her GOP opponent in the New Jersey gubernatorial election.

This is the game they’re playing, putting out personal information of their opponents which could endanger their lives and their families.

Mob Boss Cankles is behind this.

For months, the complaints have rolled in from parts of the country hit by natural disasters that FEMA was moving too slowly in sending aid to communities ravaged by floods and hurricanes. Many officials blamed Koncentration Kamp Kristi Noem, whose agency oversees FEMA, after records obtained by ProPublica show how one locality found a way to get FEMA aid more quickly: ask one of Border Barbie’s political donors for help.

Those records show that Noem expedited more than $11 million of federal money to rebuild a historic pier in Naples, Florida that was damaged by Hurricane Ian in 2022, after a major donor contacted her. Noem flew to Naples on a government plane to tour the pier herself, and then had dinner with the donor, local cardiologist Sinan Gursoy.

Noem’s top adviser, and ALLEGED lover Corey Lewandowski, also owns a home in Naples near the pier; Lewandowski is an unpaid staffer—I’m thinking Staffer With Benefits—at DHS serving as Noem’s de facto chief of staff.

Grifters and liars and cheaters.

Texas GOP Gover Hot Wheels AKA Greg Abbott has signed a bill to restrict which restrooms transgender people can use in government buildings and schools and fines institutions up to $125,000 for violations.

Texas which has seen power grid outages, hurricanes, floods, school shootings, church shooting and all kinds of violence is more concerned about who pees where and not about taking care of the citizens of the state.

When Cankles took office eight months ago, the DOJ 36 experienced attorneys assigned full-time to investigate corrupt politicians and police officers; today it has two. The other thirty-four have either quit under pressure, resigned in protest or been detailed to other matters across the nation.

It’s almost like the Cankles Regime doesn’t want lawyers to look into corruption. I wonder why.

Bill Berrien, a Republican running for governor  of Wisconsin, is a so-called conservative who stands up for family values, and is especially critical of transgender individuals, saying they are engaged in “radical social experimentation.”

But, big surprise,  Berrien’s online footprint tells a different story: on Medium.com Berrien has an account that follows transgender porn star Jiz Lee and the authors of sexually explicit essays, like Octavio Morrison, author of “7 Types of Orgasmic Sensations” and Emma Austin, who has posted items such as “Pegging is A-OK,” and “I Love Getting Jackhammered.” In the past, he “liked” an article on “Polyamory Today” entitled, “My Husband Loves Watching Me Flirt With Another Man.”

Every GOP accusation is an admission, especially given that Berrien has been voraciously trying to scrub his dirty little online secrets.

UPDATE Bill Berrien has ended his Republican campaign for governor.

Exactly two months after Cankles signed his so-called Big Beautiful Bill a Virginia health care company blamed the law for the closure of three rural clinics serving communities along the Blue Ridge Mountains. The closures, Augusta Medical Group said in its statement, were part of the company’s “ongoing response to the One Big Beautiful Bill Act and the resulting realities for healthcare delivery.”

Keep this in mind as we move ahead and vote; the GOP passed this bill and now people in rural Virginia have far less access to healthcare.

At the UN last week, war criminal and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told fellow world leaders that Israel “must finish the job” against Hamas in Gaza, giving a defiant speech despite growing international isolation over his refusal to end the devastating war in Gaza.

As he spoke dozens of delegates from multiple nations walked out of the General Assembly hall en masse.

The US delegation, which has backed Netanyahu, stayed put but neither the US nor the UK sent their most senior officials or even their UN ambassador to their section.

Hundreds of federal employees who lost their jobs in Leon Skum’s cost-cutting blitz are now being asked to return to work and the General Services Administration has given the employees until the end of the week to accept or decline reinstatement.

No one saw this coming … except for everyone but Cankles and his Minions.

Democrat Adelita Grijalva won a special election for the Arizona congressional seat held by her late father. Grijalva, a former Pima County supervisor and Tucson school board member, captured Arizona’s 7th Congressional District, which includes Tucson, and will serve out the remaining 15 months of her father, Representative Raúl Grijalva’s term after he passed away in March.

On the down side, Little Mike Johnson is putting off swearing her in as she would be another vote to release the Epstein  Files and Little Mike is Cankles' Little Bitch.

The Wall Street Journal, its parent company and Rupert Murdoch asked a federal judge to dismiss Cankles’ $10 billion defamation lawsuit over the publication’s report on his relationship with BFF Jeffrey Epstein.

Cankles claimed that the article could damage the reputation, hold for laughter, of a man who cheated on his first wife with the woman who became his second wife , and the cheated on his second wife with the Slovenian Hooker who became his third wife, and then cheated on his third wife with a porn star, all the while bragging about grabbing women by the pussy and being a sexual predator with Jeffrey Epstein.

Seriously? That reputation?

Participants gathered on the Melbourne Causeway in Florida to shine a Rainbow light on LGBTQ rights with the Light Up Melbourne with Pride event. Participants marched to the top of the causeway and lit it up in support of LGBTQ+ Americans.

This comes on the heels, the Gogo boot heels, of Governor Ronnie DeSantis who has banned the painting on sidewalks and crosswalks in the Rainbow colors.

Sorry, Ronnie, you cannot erase us.

And speaking of Melbourne, Florida … a push to rename a street in Melbourne after conservative activist Charlie Kirk has failed.

The Melbourne City Council voted down the proposal during a tense meeting when council chambers were packed with people who wanted to voice their opinions on Charlie Kirk and whether or not a road in the city should be named after him.

Good.

US District Judge Rita Lin of the Northern District of California has ordered the Cankles Regime to restore $500 million in UCLA medical research grants, halting for now a nearly two-month funding crisis that UC leaders said threatened the future of the nation’s premier public university system.

The opinion added hundreds of UCLA’s NIH grants to an ongoing class-action lawsuit that already led to the reversal of tens of millions of dollars in grants from the National Science Foundation, Environmental Protection Agency, National Endowment for the Humanities and other federal agencies to the University of California.

Lin ruled that the NIH grants were suspended by form letters that were unspecific to the research, a likely violation of the Administrative Procedure Act, which regulates executive branch rulemaking.

This week Cankles’ lapdog FCC Chair Brendan Carr was seen wearing a gold Cankles-Head lapel pin.

Members of the Fascist Cabinet as well as Congressional GOP goose-steppers are also wearing the pin lest they  suffer the wrath of their Dear Cult Leader.

We talked earlier about the “unendable” wars that Cankle says he ended since flopping his gelatinous buttocks in the Oval Office and so, here they are:

Egypt and Ethiopia have argued over an Ethiopian dam project on the Blue Nile, but they were not in a raging war in which thousands of people were being killed.

He also did not stop the conflict between Serbia and Kosovo from resuming because they were also not at war.

The conflict involving the Democratic Republic of Congo and neighboring Rwanda has not actually been resolved.

And India denies that Cankles was responsible for mediating its ceasefire, its truce, with neighboring Pakistan.

So, yeah, he lied … and no one is surprised … but wait, there’s more:

Cankles says grocery prices are down during his presidency but the fact is prices are up and going higher because of his tariffs.

Cankles says inflation has been defeated but the fact is that it’s also accelerating., up 2.9% last month, from 2.7% previously.

Cankles said European electricity bills are high,--which is true—but that ours are coming way down when the fact is electricity bills are up over 6.2% from when Biden was in office.

Cankles claimed that he has secured $17 trillion in investment in the US and yet his own White House Press Secretary, KaroLying Leavitt says it was $9 trillion in investment; did someone lose $8 trillion?

Cankles says China builds a lot of wind turbines and manufactures them for others, but barely uses wind power but, again, the fact is that China is the world leader in the use of wind power.

The man is delusional AF.

After Dr. RFK BrainWorm announced that Tylenol causes autism he pushed a “cure” for it, something called Leucovorin [folic acid]. Of note, is that Dr. Snake Oil Salesman Oz’s supplement company, iHerb, sells  folic acid so it looks like BrainWorm is trying to make coins for Snake Oil.

US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent pledged to provide “all options for stabilization” to Argentine President Javier Milei as the South American country faces a market selloff in recent weeks. Options include, but aren’t limited to, currency swap lines, direct currency repurchases and US dollar-denominated debt from the Treasury’s exchange stabilization fund.

Funny, he wants to save Argentina’s economy while he destroys the American economy.

Slovenian Hooker and Floor Lamp Model Melanie has unveiled a line of Christmas ornaments―but fans … fans?? Seriously—will have to cough up $90 a piece or almost $500 for a set of six. But I do have a question: will there be ornaments with one of Melanie’s most famous phrases:

“Who gives a fuck about Christmas?”

Remember, Melanie was caught on tape uttering that line! And so I say:

“Who gives a fuck about giving coins to the Slovenian Hooker wife of a Fascist Pig?”

Not me.

Spend your money on better things, like donations to Blue candidates and then …

Ain't That America XVI

Another week down, another crazy week down, and we're still battling liars and thugs and grifters, oh my. Comics are being pulled off TV, reporters are being told not to ask tough questions, and Cankles is so butt hurt he wants you jailed if you're mean to him. But even in that darkness is some light so let's dig in ...

On Sunday Cankles tried to justify the fatal US strike on a Venezuelan boat by claiming that 300 million people, presumably Americans, died from drugs last year.

He was off by almost 300 million and, yes, he’s that stupid..

The Fascist Regime ordered the removal of signs and exhibits related to slavery at multiple national parks including a historic photograph of a formerly enslaved man showing scars on his back, a move that was in line with his March executive order directing the Interior Department to eliminate information that reflects a “corrosive ideology” that disparages historic Americans.

He means disparages white Americans cuz he’s a racist.

On Fox News, making the announcement of the arrest of Charlie Kirk’s killer, President Cankles was asked how we fix the country and come back together and he replied:

“I couldn’t care less.”

When he tells you who he is, believe him.

Erik Siebert, the US attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, investigating New York Attorney General, Letitia James and the former FBI director James Comey resigned hours after Cankles called for his ouster. Siebert found insufficient evidence to bring charges against James or Comey.

Of note, Cankles claims he wanted Siebert removed because Mark Warner and Tim Kaine, the Democratic senators from Virginia, had approved of his nomination even though it was Cankles himself who nominated Siebert after Kaine and Warner wrote to him praising Siebert.

Within the past few days, after Charlie Kirk was killed, the Department of Justice deleted one of its own studies from its website showing that “far-right extremists have committed far more ideologically motivated homicides than far-left or radical Islamist extremists.”

They’re covering up the truth to make their case that it’s liberals and transgender people doing the shooting when their own study says otherwise.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics postponed the release of a key annual report central to future inflation data but did not explain the reasoning for the delay or when it might ultimately be released.

So I’ll tell you: the news is bad because that’s the only reason Cankles would hide. He’s fucking the economy like it was a porn star who loved orange mushroom dick.

Last week Cankles rolled out a version of his regime’s long-promised gold card, a $1 million fast-track for wealthy foreigners to live and work in the United States.

Yes, pay a million and the doors fly open but where does the money go? Cankles suggested it could be used to lower taxes and pay down the federal debt.

Could be … which means it will disappear into his wallet.

The Fascists unveiled a new crackdown on journalists at the Pentagon, saying it will require them to pledge they won’t gather any information—even unclassified—that hasn’t been expressly authorized for release, and will revoke the press credentials of those who do not obey.

You report what they say and only what they say or you’re out. Anyone here who did Nazi that coming?

Millions of dollars in federal funding for New York City’s magnet schools are in jeopardy after the White House told the nation’s largest school district that it must re-evaluate its policies regarding transgender students—including ones that allow students access to sports and bathrooms matching their identities.

With all that’s going on in this country … Medicaid losses, SNAP benefits halted, the economy tanking, drunks at DOD and in DC law offices, American citizens being rounded up on the streets, National Guard doing cleanup of garbage in major cities, and this Regime focuses on trans people because the Cult is a’scurred of them.

Cankles says he’s a “very strong person for free speech. But 97, 94, 95, 96% [clearly counting in hard] of the people are against me” and that it should be illegal to speak ill of the braindead.

Cankles, the racist, rapist, pedophile, sexual predator, fascist, lying, cheating, stealing, grifting, adulterous, traitor con artist is butt-hurt and says it should be illegal to speak ill of him, so .... speak up y’all!

The EPA has ordered scientists in at least one of its research offices to immediately pause almost all efforts to publish research. The researchers were told that unless scientific journals had already returned proofs—the final step in the academic publication process—the studies would be subject to a new review process.

Cuz science is bad.

Contribute money to the new White House ballroom Cankles is building and, in exchange, donors may be able to choose to have their names etched inside the White House forever.

Wait, didn’t the racist, rapist, pedophile, sexual predator, fascist, lying, cheating, stealing, grifting, adulterous, traitor con artist say he was paying for the ballroom? Is he lying? Still?

ABC suspension of Jimmy Kimmel for pissing off a demented old man in a soiled diaper triggered so many people to cancel their Disney+ and Hulu accounts that the page to cancel those subscriptions crashed.

The power of the dollar at work; the Resistance at work.

A copyright infringement lawsuit former Congressman, and the GOP's Favorite Drag Queen, George Santos filed against talk show host Jimmy Kimmel and ABC was properly dismissed when the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan rejected the lawsuit.

But that’s not the good news, no, it was the headline of the article which read:

Jailed Ex-Drag Queen Loses Appeal Against Kimmel

Oh, snap.

A US judge has struck down Cankle’s $15B lawsuit against the New York Times and some of its individual journalists, though Cankles could appeal.

Cankles launched the  lawsuit last week accusing the NYT of being a “mouthpiece” for the Democratic party and of “spreading false and defamatory content” about him.

Meaning the NYT printed the truth and Cankles can’t handle it.

California Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom has raised roughly $70 million in less than two months for the ballot measure to redraw the state’s congressional lines, with the family of the prominent Democratic financier George Soros recently kicking in $10 million.

Soros? Oh this will send Cankles to the White House pantry looking for the industrial sized bottle of ketchup.

Four people have been arrested after pictures of President Cankles and BFF, and convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, were projected onto Windsor Castle while he visited England last week.

Better still, the citizens of Brighton joined a global anti-Felon protest with a song for the visitor. The crowd arranged a version of the quintessentially English song, "Hey! Baby," a melody that has become a popular football chant but with different lyrics:

♫ ♪ Heyyyyyyyy Donald _____. Boo. Yah. I wanna know why you're such a cunt! ♪♫

Brighton is quite creative.

Democratic candidate Xp Lee prevailed in a pivotal special election to fill the seat opened by the killing of House leader Melissa Hortman and will return the House to a 67-67 tie between the parties.

Hopefully, other Democrats will win and Minnesota’s House will turn Blue.

US District Judge William Alsup of San Francisco said the Regime’s central human resources office acted illegally when it directed the mass firings of probationary workers as part of Cankles efforts to downsize the federal workforce,.

In awarding judgment to a coalition of labor unions and nonprofits Judge Alsup said the Cankles regime “unlawfully exceeded its own powers and usurped and exercised powers reserved by Congress to each individual” federal agency to hire and fire its own workers.

So he broke the law and lied. Got it.

The National Guard compiled data regarding troop morale after being used as Cankle’s own personal Gestapo and the data shows that troops felt an overwhelming amount of shame.

The bigger problem is that the report wasn’t sent to the Pentagon where it was supposed to be sent but that the National Guard “accidentally” sent it to the Washington Post..

The Regime tried to downplay the data saying that it wasn’t a big deal that it was sent to a newspaper but you know Cankles is crapping his Pampers hourly.

King Charles is apparently very fussy about his bed linen—only the finest Egyptian cotton—but that’s not enough for Cankles who had his aides inspect his suite in Windsor Castle before his arrival and provide housekeepers with bedding.

Is it that he didn’t want to leave a nasty orange stain on the pillowcases from the spray paint he uses on his face, or is it because he craps the bed so often that he needed extra bedding and a plastic liner to ease the cleaning?

Oh, and Melanie wouldn’t help with the mess as she had a separate suite … The Slovenian Hooker Suite in the stables.

Dutch comedian, Arjen Lubach, poked fun at Disney on his talk show last week joking about “the new Disney,” where a golden Felon Tower appears behind the world-famous fairytale castle.

The prince from The Little Mermaid wants to “grab Ariel by the pussy” and Aladdin disappears in a flash when the ICEstapo arrives.

Once again proving he’s an idiot with the IQ of a tomato, Cankles promised drug costs would drop 1,000%—then claimed a $10 pill would become $20:

“We’re gonna be reducing drug costs over the next year, year and a half… by a thousand percent … it’ll go from $10 to $20 for us.”

Oh Cankles? Um, a 1,000% “reduction” from $10 would take the price to negative $90, meaning Big Pharma would pay patients to take pills.

Kids, this is your brain on stupidity.

The White House Press Secretary Karo-lying Leavitt shared a bizarre post on social media that claimed that an earthquake in Utah on the night of Charlie Kirk’s death was a sign of God’s anger; it reads:

“On the night Charlie was shot, a 4.1 earthquake struck Utah. In scripture, 40 represents trials; 41 signifies a shift. It hit at 5:57 local time, 7:57 Eastern. Acts 7:57 describes Stephen, the first martyr, stoned as the crowd silenced his truth. The Bible says the earth trembles when God is angry. That night, as a voice was silenced, the ground groaned.”

Karo-lying reposted it with:

“Wow.”

As in ‘Wow, I am an idiot.’

Are you tired yet? Well, then ...