It's Snarkurday!

Poor pitiful Billy Bush—who let a lunatic say vile things about women, including Bush’s own wife and daughters and all women everywhere—had hoped a recent Hollywood Reporter cover and interview, plus a GMA chat would jump-start his career ... it didn’t.

“He thought he was going to be welcomed back by the world ... and the only thing you learned ... is that Billy wants to be on TV. He felt that taking seven or eight months off, he’d slip his way back in, get some press and people would be beating down his door, and no one did.”

But those close to him—no doubt on his payroll—say Billy has already fielded a few offers, including one for a syndicated major show hitting this fall.

Um, yeah, I call bull shiz on that, because if any major show wanted Bush, he’d have jumped at the chance since, after eight months of being ‘away,’ most of the country, and the world, were like, ‘Billy who?’

Take a seat, Billy, we’ll call you when we need but don’t hold your breath.

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Gosh, when people who have a modicum of fame, but no real job, fight, it becomes news.

I’m looking at you, Brandi Glanville ... and your ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian and his current, though clearly not last, wife LeAnn Rimes.  These tools are still fighting and sniping, and now Brandi says that LeAnn has been stalking her and her boyfriend Donald Friese on social media because, that’s what all the kids ... and self-absorbed, unemployed grown-ups ... are doing, apparently.

And so Eddie released a statement saying LeAnn would never stalk someone on social media—though we all know she has—and then accused Brandi of being a drama-creating mess—and we all know that’s true:

“Brandi was very drunk and after already being at our table, started to come back again. Her boyfriend ‘ran interference’ and came to ask if she could take photos with the kids ... I was concerned about what pictures Brandi might post. We looked at their socials after we got home to make sure there was nothing of concern. That’s exactly how it all went down.”

Uh huh. Nice try, Eddie, but get a job, and a life, and a wife that has a job.

Then Brandi, whose ‘career’ was a short-lived stint on reality TV as a drunken mess, shot off her own statement, er, “proof” of the ALLEGED stalking ... a screen grab from Snapchat:

“[Eddie’s] statement does not explain why LeAnn and her assistant were both viewing my boyfriend’s Snapchats prior to our arrival at the restaurant. At the moment we saw them at Nobu we questioned the timing and saw they had viewed the Snapchats prior.”

Gosh, Brandi, set down the liquor and get a job. Be a parent to your children and not a child yourself.

Sheesh! All y’all grow the eff up.

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Last year, Reese Witherspoon was part of an Entertainment Weekly round-table for leading ladies and revealed that she started her own production company because she was sent an awful script for a romantic comedy and was offered the “girlfriend part”; she was told that several A-list women were chasing this terrible role and that’s when she knew she needed to start her own production company. She ended up by throwing shade at the actors in that film:

“And by the way, two Oscar winners did it.”

Rumor is that the film in question was A Million Ways to Die in the West and Charlize Theron was the Oscar winner who stooped to playing the “girlfriend.

Now, Reese has taken part in another roundtable—this time for The Hollywood Reporter—and dredged up that story again and then shaded someone else in a new blind item:

“I was talking to this very famous actor and I said, ‘How did you prepare for this role?’ He said, ‘Well, I went into the woods for three weeks and I didn’t talk to anybody.’ And this person has a lot of kids and is married. And he’s like, ‘You did the same thing for Wild, right?’ I was like, ‘Uh, no.’ If I went away for three weeks and no one could call me, everybody would’ve had a mental breakdown. I got on a plane and was shooting within 24 hours.”

People are saying this latest shade was at Leonardo DiCaprio, though Leo isn’t married or have kids. So ...maybe  Matthew McConaughey? He sounds like he’d play the method actor line as an excuse to get away from his wife and kids and play the Nude Bongos again.

But the big question is: who knew Reese could throw so much shade?

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So, to sell more music Katy Perry did what was billed as Katy Perry’s Witness Live Stream, where she live-streamed her life on YouTube for four solid days. One of the high points—low points—was when Katy rated three of her ex-lovers ... John Mayer—first place—Orlando Bloom—second place—and Diplo—dead last.

The Diplo Tryst was a one-off in between Mayer and Bloom and he had his own response to Katy via Twitter:

“I don't even remember having sex.”

Ow. So he’s her worst, and she’s the one he doesn’t remember.

Again ... ow.

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Poor Tom Cruise ... after the awful opening weekend of The Mummy many are saying he’s in a “slow motion career meltdown” and soon studios won’t even want to invest in trying to make another Cruise franchise happen because, for the first time, Tom Cruise is getting a big chunk of the blame for a film failure. 

Usually, everyone else involved with the film will fall on their swords to ‘save’ someone like Tommy, but not this time, and Variety has a deliciously dishy piece on how The Mummy’s failures are all on Tom ... like:

Cruise “had an excessive amount of control” over the reboot, set to be the start of a mega-franchise for Universal Pictures, but instead, it’s a textbook case of a spoiled movie star gone wild because Tommy exerted nearly complete creative oversight on the film ... down to the smallest details.

And Universal let it happen; they contractually guaranteed Cruise control of of the project, from script approval to post-production decisions, marketing and release strategy. And so, with terrible reviews, The Mummy, which cost as much as $190 million to make and a $100 million more to market, will struggle to make its money back.

And part of the problem is that Cruise selected Alex Kurtzman, a relatively untested director with no experience directing a big-budget action film, and then Cruise acted as though he was the director while Kurtzman “struggled to adjust to scope of the project.” Cruise also brought in two of his friends—Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman—to rewrite his part into that Standard Tom Cruise Hero Role; and people say this bulked up Tom’s part, and his ego, while diminishing the roles of others in the film. He also hired his favorite editor and then “spent time in the editing suite overseeing the cutting’ to make sure he looked good. People speculate that it was less about making a good film than it was about making Cruise look good.

And while there are some who say that Cruise was doing whatever he could to save a movie that was doomed from the start, most people on the film are saying the mess is all Tom Cruise’s fault ... because his ego is out oif control and he’s desperate to create another movie franchise so he can bank millions and still give millions to Scientology.

Poor Tom, if only he’d unwrapped L. Ron Hubbard and brought him to the premiere the film might have done better ... or, maybe he should have asked Brendan Fraser, star of the 1990s The Mummy to come along, because all of Fraser’s Mummy movies made more than this mess.

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If you ever thought that Poor Chris Brown gets a raw deal in the press for being an abusive, ego-maniacal man-boy with a bad temper, think on this:

Earlier this year, his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran got a temporary restraining order after Chris ALLEGEDLY threatened to kill her.

And now, Karrueche was back in court telling the judge that things got bad after she and Chris broke up. He wanted her to return several rings he gave her and when she refused, he  threatened her in a text messages, ALLEGEDLY beat her and then wrote “Imma kill blood” under a photo of her and Michael B. Jordan.

Chris didn’t show up in court, but tried to phone in until the judge denied him. Then the judge sided with Karrueche and gave her a permanent restraining order valid for the next five years.

Five.Years. No judge does that just because of a bad breakup. Chris Brown is a menace.

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I remember when Halle Berry won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball and then followed that up with Gothika. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

And I remember when Charlize Theron won the Oscar for Monster and then followed that up with Aeon Flux. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

But that’s not all Charlize and Halle have in common anymore ... at least not now that Charlize is dating Halle’s ex, and one of her Baby Daddy’s, Gabriel Aubry.

A source says Nahla, Gabriel’s daughter with Halle, and Charlize’s son Jackson go to the same private school and so they see each other in the pick-up lane after school.

And now, rather than wave hello in the carpool line, they wave goodbye after breakfast.

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Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to surrender an Oscar originally won by Marlon Brando to the U.S. government because it was given to him by an ALLEGEDLY dirty movie production company now in the feds’ crosshairs. The Department of Justice is also looking to seize the rights Dumb and Dumber Too and Daddy’s Home, as well as a trove of valuable art and movie memorabilia belonging to Red Granite Pictures.

The feds say money that was ALLEGEDLY stolen by corrupt Malaysian officials was funneled through Red Granite and used to finance films.The department filed a civil suit last year demanding all profits from DiCaprio’s 2013 film The Wolf of Wall Street claiming it was financed with laundered loot.

Red Granite gave Leo the Oscar Brando won as a thank-you for his work on the film and he has now passed it along to the government.

I wonder what will happen when the National park Service comes for his The Revenant Oscar?

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So, Scott Disick used to be married to a Kardastrophe ... I don’t know which one and, well, I don’t care ... and that. marriage ended because he was ALLEGEDLY a drunken adulterous mess. Now that he’s single, he’s given up the adultery but stayed with the drunkenness.

At some point Scott Disick and some actress called Bella Thorne hooked up and then went to the Cannes Film Festival to pose in front of photographers. And then ... as soon as it started it was over because Bella couldn’t stand Drunk Disick and said as much in an interview:

“Scott is really nice, sweet, charming. I don’t drink, and he really drinks a lot. And it just ended up … I just wasn’t down ... I love to go out and have fun, I love to fucking dance, but I just don’t party hardcore like that and it was way too much for me. I was like, ‘Woah, this is not the way I live my life, bruh.’”

I’m’a let the ‘bruh’ lie there—although it’s another on my Do Not Say List—and simply end with this:

Bella? Had you watched just one episode of that Kraptastic Kardastrophe show you’d have known what a drunk Disick could be and you never would have gotten on a plane, or, ew, in a bed with him.

Just sayin’.

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Finally, some sweet news ...

The Bat-Signal shone over Los Angeles City Hall this past Thursday night in tribute to the late Adam West—the campy TV Batman from the 60s—who passed away last week at the age of 88.

In Batman comics, movies and TV shows, the Bat-Signal was shown on the night sky as a call for Batman’s help.

Batman is often referred to as the Dark Knight, but West’s children said in a statement that Adam West aspired to positivity and always saw himself as “The Bright Knight.”

RIP Adam "Batman" West.

Bam! Pow!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

For this year, the 20th anniversary of her Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey was set to perform the tune on NBC’s Christmas show where they light up that big ass dead tree at Rockefeller Center. But Mimi was so over-stuffed with drama — and overstuffed in that red sequined gown — that the folks at NBC were not having it.

On the night of the taping, Mariah, the Mutha of All Divas — take note Ariana — kept her fans waiting in the freezing rain at Rockefeller Center for over three hours because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement. Uh huh. I think a huge sammich is what kept her home, but, again, that’s just me.

Carey had a 7PM call time to pre-tape the song and was also scheduled to tape a promo at 9PM that would have featured her riding in a horse and carriage on Fifth Avenue, for which NBC had a permit to close traffic lanes. By the time she showed up at 10:30PM, NBC was so incensed that they told her to go home, mainly because what’s left of her fans, who’d been given free tickets to support the 20th anniversary of AIWFCIY, had already left and the crew had packed up all their equipment.

Carey tweeted on Wednesday, “Last night’s situation was beyond my control. I apologize to all that showed up, you know that I would never want to disappoint you.”

Uh huh. So Carey was forced to perform live on Wednesday and if you’d seen the video, well, you’d know she was awful; she was Whitney Houston On Her Last Tour awful; sour notes, flat notes, and no notes at all.

Do I think Mariah Carey had a scheduled phone meeting with Nick and his lawyers at the very moment she was supposed to be pre-recording a performance for TV? No, I do not. Mimi is coming apart at the seams faster than Mimi in a too-tight evening gown.

Girl needs to settle.

I really can’t with Tori Spelling. I mean, she was married, went away to film some piece of Lifetime crap with the also married Dean McDermott, and then banged him. He left his wife, she left her husband, they began spitting out babies and allowing all of it to be filmed for “reality” TV.

Then, big surprise, Dean cheated on Tori. Huh? A cheater cheated? Show of hands, or hand, of the one person besides Tori who didn’t see that coming. Right.

Now, the media whore that is Whori Tori has released her family’s 2014 holiday card — possibly because a paycheck was involved — and has been trying to sell it everywhere, saying:

“We’re back together as a family and we’re working on building that family dynamic back and making it stronger than it was before, so it was important to me that we mark this because it’s a milestone year for us.”

Then she appears on her “reality” show and trashes her husband, but that’s another paycheck.

Now, in order to create a new storyline, Tori is thinking of having her breasts augmented, again, and mulling over a facelift and fillers. Why? Because she feels bad about Dean cheating on her and nothing says I feel better like new titties and a high, tight face filled with plastic and injectibles.

And, I imagine, it will all be done for free, because of the publicity she’ll give the doctor on her TV show, and then she’ll get a paycheck for showing the procedure on television.

Once a whore …

Quick Bite: Rumor has it that Ariana Grande Latte’s newest diva demand is that, when she’s too tired to walk all by her wee self, she must be carried like a toddler.

 “Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source—possibly Mimi, eating a sammich on the set—who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Maybe someone should just put Ariana in a handbag and carry her around like a Pocket Dog.

When Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa and Joe Giudice were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to numerous counts of federal fraud, the judge cited multiple inconsistencies between their 2009 bankruptcy filing and the assets they listed in court documents ... like not declaring cars, ATVs, jewelry, purses and designer goods.

Teresa, who was always on TV pulling a wad of bills out of her purse to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff, claimed, in court, that her jewelry was all costume and worthless, while Joe claimed that he was listing the current resale value of purchased goods and that their value had decreased since the 2009 fraudulent bankruptcy. Scam artists will do that, you know.

Teresa's excuse, though, is that she never read anything Joe gave her to sign — possibly because she doesn’t know how to read, and just signed the papers with a paw print — and that she never understood that her plea deal could involve jail time.

She.Didn’t.Know.A.Plea.Deal.Meant.Jail.Time? Of course not, because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, except now she's suing her bankruptcy attorney for $5 million saying he botched the filing which resulted in her having to go to prison. You know, not because she’s a criminal or anything. And she’s still claiming that age-old, I didn’t know what I was signing argument, which, as we saw, didn’t work with the judge in her first case and hopefully won’t work with the judge in this lawsuit.

She’s a criminal, her husband’s a criminal and they got caught and she wants to play the Stupid Card? Well, we know she’s stupid, but she was just stupid enough to commit all sorts of fraud because it made her life look good for TV.

Teresa has to blame someone and she can’t hook this on Caroline or Jacqueline so …

Quick Bite: Lindsay Lohan has launched a unisex clothing line called My Addiction. Are the clothes made entirely of booze and pills and tween boys? 

Just sayin’.

Now, let’s check in again with those Fighting Exes Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry.

Last month, Halle lab tested some hair she yanked out of her daughter, Nahla’s, hairbrush and dragged Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the girl's hair. Gabriel denied it, as well as denying allegations that he was trying to make Nahla “more white” — another one of Halle’s accusations; he says Nahla's straightened hair is the result of her asking him to blow dry it for her, and not because he wants to change her appearance because he worries she’ll start looking as crazy as Halle.

Of course, you just know that Halle will once again drag Gabriel to court and charge him with Dryer Damaging Nahla’s Hair and seek to reduce his child support because of it.

Meanwhile, Nahla has a calendar on the all, counting down the days until she’s eighteen and finally be rid of these tow morons.

Drake isn’t having the best week. First, his frenemy Chris Brown claims Drake hooked up with Brown’s on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-whatever girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, which is the reason Brown dumped her, though he has since re-hooked up with Tran so … whatever. But now Drake and P. Diddy, er Puff Daddy, er, Puffy, er, Sean John, er, Sean Combs, er, whoever he is today, got into a fistfight in Miami over the weekend.

They were celebrating DJ Khaled’s birthday and got into it after Drake ALLEGEDLY said something “nasty” to Diddy’s girlfriend, Diddy attacked Drake, sending him to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Now, DJ Sam Sneak tweeted that Diddy and Drake were not fighting over a girl, but were arguing over the rights to a song, with Diddy claiming claimed that Drake was using music without the proper rights.

A girl or a song, these are two grown assed men acting like some Real Housewives wannabes, snatching at each other’s hair in a nightclub. Drake should stick to banging Brown’s girls because I think he could take Brown in a fight, and 45-year-old … forty-five-year-old … Diddy should just go home; his fifteen minutes were up when JLo dumped him.

Okay, someone will pay for this, and that someone is Scott Rudin.

Now pay attention, because it gets complicated: they’re making another Steve Jobs bio-pic because that Ashton Kutcher one was so successful. The script was written by A-list Aaron Sorkin and to be directed by A-list David Fincher, though now Danny Boyle is attached as director. Sony had the property for a while, but it ended up going over to Universal a few months ago. It was supposed to be a big, prestigious award-bait film for Sony, with mega-producer Scott Rudin attached to produce and now he's pissed he didn't get it.

Okay, up to speed? Well, while the film was at Sony, the studio's online database was hacked and emails between Rudin and Sony co-chairperson Amy Pascal were released and most of it is Rudin bitching out Pascal because she won’t free up director David Fincher for the Jobs film.

Fincher was thinking of directing Angelina Jolie in Cleopatra, and Angie hoped the Cleo script would be ready soon because she wanted Fincher to direct. Well, Pascal was using that as an excuse to NOT hire Fincher for the Jobs film. And so that got Rudin's knickers twisted and so he shot off an email — note the all-caps shouting: 

“YOU BETTER SHUT ANGIE DOWN BEFORE SHE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DAVID TO DO JOBS. There is no movie to be made (and how that is a bad thing given the insanity and rampaging spoiled ego of this woman and the cost of the movie is beyond me) and if you won’t tell her that you do not like the script…

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

I’m also happy to say all of this to Angie directly as I have no need to keep her happy."

Yeah, I bet he’d say that to Angie’s face and I bet she’d take him down like a large clumsy cow.

Rule #! In Hollywood: don’t besmirch Angie.

Last I heard Scot Rudin was attached to a barista job at Starbucks in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Okay we started with Mariah Carey Diva, and so we’ll end with someone who makes Mimi look like a nun, and that someone is Korean Air executive Heather Cho. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either, but that didn’t stop her from going all Joan-Crawford-Mariah-Carey recently, and it goes like this …

Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant antics.

Before that Korean Air flight from JFK to Incheon, Korea took off last week, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts … in a bag … and Cho went apeshit, acting like she’d been asked to take a seat in the cargo hold.

Heather Cho instantly fired that flight attendant and demanded that the cabin crew chief be brought to her, possibly in chains, I don’t know. But Cho asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant had ever read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served in.a.dish, not in.a.bag. Cho then instructed the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her.

Now, to be fair, I do have my own nut-handling guide, but I think it’s a different kind of nut … just saying.

But the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, and Cho then kicked him off the plane, after forcing the captain to take the plane back to the gate.

After Cho went nuts over nuts, she resigned from her position as executive of in-flight service, though she’s still VP of the company because Daddy is the boss. Cho also released her own stamen, saying she was just hurt because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement … oh wait that was that other diva; Cho said:

“I am sorry to our customers and the Korean people that I unintentionally caused social uproar and I ask forgiveness from anyone who has been hurt by me. I take responsibility for the incident.”

Social uproar because the nuts were in a bag? Bitch please. And now South Korea’s Transport Ministry has launched an investigation into whether or not Heather Cho violated the Aviation Safety Law which states that passengers should not cause disturbances of any kind. If they discover that she did violate the Aviation Safety Law, she could face up to 10 years in prison … where she will no doubt find her nuts in a bag.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s ain't got nuthin' on Stewart and Paltrow.

Yup, the Rich White Lady feud goes on. As y'all remember, back in October, Martha Stewart published a Thanksgiving pie recipe in her Martha Stewart Living magazine called Conscious Coupling. 

Well, Gwyneth has yanked her hoops out her ears and fired back by posting a recipe called Jailbird Cake to GOOP.

Next up, Martha's Jennifer-Lawrence-Is-A-Tart-Who’s-Banging-Your-Ex-Husband, followed soon by Paltrow's Orange Is The New Black Forest Cake.

Rich bitch feuds are funny.

So, Kyle Chrisley — son of reality TV matriarch patriarch Todd Chrisley — has told Life & Style that Daddy is definitely gay:

“All the people he calls his best friends in the world…they’re gay. I used to work with him at Chrisley Asset Management. If one of the asset managers was going to take a piss, he would say, ‘You want me to come hold it for you?’”

The gay rumors are nothing new since a handful of former employees ALLEGE that Daddy Chrisley used to regularly comment on the size of their junk, and would invite make employees to, ahem, "jerk off’ with him in the restroom;" Daddy has also been accused of inappropriately touching employees, and making sexual gestures toward subordinates.

Asked to comment on his son's latest allegations, Todd instead let a rep speak for him:

"[Todd] is not concentrating on the words that Kyle is saying, but rather on getting him the necessary psychiatrist and medical care he so desperately needs.” 

Snap. Sonny says daddy’s a 'mo, and daddy says sonny is crazy. Lovely family, no?

No.

Onto Lohan ... Since things seem to be going so well for Lindsay in London — she's actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible — rumor has it that she's ready to ply her trade — not that trade — in Hollywood again.

A source close to Lohan — set down the Chardonnay and take a bow, Dina — says that when Speed-The-Plow wraps next week, Lohan will be heading back to the big screen in a trio of star turns:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

Well, according to IMDB, those "star turns" are in films like a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. And her co-stars are listed as "Starbucks barista" and "GAP shirt-folder."

Yeas, she's making a comeback—

Comeback?!!? I hate that word: It's a return!

Who’s the bigger queen, Elizabeth, or William and Kate?

With Duchess Kate and Prince William coming to the US in a couple of weeks, the British Monarchy has sent out a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. So, if you even think about asking Kate a question while wearing a GAP t-shirt, or some kind of Sears schmata, think again because you will not be allowed anywhere near royalty.

Here’s what you need to know — direct from the Palace:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family. Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Turned away is Brit-speak for hauled off to the Tower of London where you will be beheaded.

Leave those Reeboks at home, y’all, it ain’t worth dying over.

So, when last we left Halle Berry, she was trying to have her child support payments to ex-baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, cut from 16K a month to just 3K because she says Gabriel’s living off her dough. But, the judge in the case told Halle to take a seat and rethink both her lawsuit and her recent career choices — Extant, anyone — but Halle ain’t playing.

Now, she’s filed another suit because she says Gabriel is … wait for it … it borders on child abuse … straightening and lightening their daughter Nahla’s hair.

Oh.The.Humanity. In the court papers — and, seriously, to Halle Berry this is a lawsuit — Halle claims that Gabriel has denied dyeing Nahla’s hair, so Halle cut a piece out and sent it to a lab for testing. Halle says she noticed a difference in her daughter’s hair when Nahla returned from a visit to Gabriel in August 2013, saying: 

"Gabriel continues to maintain that he has done and is doing nothing to cause the extensive straightening, color changes, stripping and damaging of our daughter’s hair. [But] I have personally observed the changes in Nahla’s hair texture and color over the last year. I have never personally experienced hair damage nor have I ever known a single person whose hair has suffered such excessive changes from spending time in a salt water pool (or even chlorinated water) and sunlight."

Then Halle offered up ‘before and after’ photos of Nahla to the court and said:

"I have since reviewed the laboratory report concerning this very hair sample that I obtained, which confirms to me that Gabriel has not been truthful about what he has done and had been doing to our daughter’s hair. I continue to worry about the potential psychological and physical damage to Nahla that can be caused by the use of chemical hair treatments and the psychological message that it conveys to Nahla, and to implore the court to put a stop to Gabriel’s attempts to alter our daughter’s appearance and most probably cause her to wonder why her natural appearance is not good enough."

Apparently Halle’s lawyer actually claimed that Gabriel is trying to make Nahla look white — okay, that’s what TMZ says, though Halle’s own words seem to suggest it, too — and a judge actually ordered Gabriel to stop changing Nahla’s hair. But, he’s also ordered Halle to stop futzing with their daughter’s appearance, too.

Seriously? Maybe Nahla asked her Daddy to fix her hair, and maybe she didn’t. Did anyone ask her? Or did they just file a lawsuit? A hair injunction? I think Halle needs to get a hobby, and by hobby I mean anything that doesn’t involve her suing her daughter’s father every other week.