It's Snarkurday!

Our national nightmare is over … Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have settled their divorce. 

Amber, having dropped her domestic violence restraining order, will get $7 million; she claims she’ll donate some or all of it to charity which begs the question: Why drag your ex and your marriage through the mud for money you’ll just give away when you could have just walked months ago?

Oh, because you know she won’t give the money to charity unless the charity is the Amber Doesn’t Have a Job and Needs A Place To Live Fund [ADHAJANAPTL].

Now both sides are talking through their lawyer’s asses, with Amber’s team saying she was happy to settle because she wanted everything to be over, and my team saying, AGAIN, then why drag it all out, Amber? Oh yeah, coins.

Johnny’s team also spewed their version of events saying Depp wanted the settlement from the start except that he never really did.

And then because they don’t know when they have a good deal and should keep their yaps shut, Amber’s lawyers issued another statement:

“We are very pleased that this matter has been settled and Amber has been vindicated in the Court of Public Opinion. The case was incredibly challenging and demanding on everyone involved, but mostly on Amber who showed great grace and strength under fire. It was an honor to represent her.”

Oops. The lawyers then tried to take back the statement when they realized they had yet to receive a check form Johnny meaning, yes, I’ve said it before, it was always and only about the coins.

Speaking of nasty relationships … Chris Brown and Nia Guzman, the mother of his daughter Royalty.

They fought over child support … child custody … child asthma — Nia claims Chris gave their child asthma by exposing her to weed and cigarette smoke ... and now a judge has ended it all declaring … wait for it … Chris Brown the winner.

Nia took Chris to court requesting full custody of Royalty with monitored visits for Chris … she requested that Chris submit to drug testing ... she requested that Chris’ mother be denied visitation with Royalty.

The judge said No … No … No. And, after hearing all those No’s, including Nia’s request that Chris pay for her attorney, Nia realized she would not be getting any Brown Coins this time and dropped her request to have her child support upped from $2500 a month to $16000 a month.

Who knew that a judge would ever come down on  the side of Chris Brown?

But still … no drug tests for Chris Brown??? This really is a new day.

Justin Bieber got all kinds of pissy last week after posting pictures of himself with his new girlfriend, Lionel Richie’s 17-year-old daughter Sofia.

It seems Bieber fans — Plural? Really? — kinda made fun of Sofia on social media and so The Biebs came down hard on the fans:

“I’m gonna make my Instagram private if you guys don’t stop the hate this is getting out of hand. If you guys are really fans you wouldn’t be so mean to people that I like.”

And the Bieberheads were not amused:

Every time beliebers disagree with Justin on something he pulls that " if u were real fans " line  #RIPBeliebers

DID HE JUST COME FOR US, AFTER WE HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM HIS WHOLE ENTIRE CAREER #RIPBeliebers 

Justin would rather spend time with a shady hoe he met last week than the fans who stayed by his side his whole career. #RIPBeliebers

First it was Taylor Swift and now it’s Bieber feeling the social media wrath.

Maybe the world is righting itself?

In other messy breakup news … Cosby kid Keshia Knight-Pulliam and her former NFL linebacker soon-to-be ex-husband Ed Hartwell.

In divorce documents, Keshia is accusing her husband of trying to cause her to miscarry her unborn baby. Now, Rudy, er, Keshia isn’t exactly saying what she’s accusing Hartwell of but she does claim that he “has been plotting to harm and obstruct [her] pregnancy” with “certain underhanded and unusual conduct” to trigger a miscarriage.

Um. I’d like the dressing on the side of my Word Salad please.

Keshia says in legal docs that during their short marriage, Ed was constantly cursing, yelling and demeaning her and that he had affairs with multiple women, including a former baby mama, and says Ed has multiple firearms and that she feels unsafe and wants an order forcing him to turn all the guns over to her.

Huh, and after all that she made a baby with him? Oh Rudy.

Out promoting his latest film, Hugh Grant appeared on Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live and the serial bachelor, and father of four or five by three or four spate women, claimed that the key to a successful marriage is letting your partner play the field and plant his seed wherever he chooses.

Seriously. But, better than Hugh’s idiocy — I love the idea of a never married man who cannot keep his unsheathed dick in his pants offering marriage advice — was Grant’s assessment of his former co-stars.

As photos of Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker came on screen Hug was asked to discuss them. He squinted at a photo of Zellweger and acted like he’d never seen her new face before.

Andy: Who’s the most down-to-earth of those women?

Hugh: Uh, down-to-earth? That’s pushing it. Uh, who’s the one second from the right cause I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Andy: Second from the right is Renee.

Hugh: Oh, Renee! Not exactly down-to-earth. Out-to-lunch.

Ouch.

Dear God, Hollywood is doing another remake … a remake of a remake of a remake.

A Star is Born first came to movie theaters back in 1937 starring Janet Gaynor as the future superstar who hitches her wagon to the fading has-been Frederic March. Seventeen years later the film was remade staring Judy Garland as the newbie and James mason as her alcoholic husband.

Twenty-two years after that Barbra Streisand obtained the rights and remade the film again starring Barbra Streisand, with songs by Barbra Streisand and clothes by Barbra Streisand and  … oh yeah, Kris Kristofferson was there too as the alcoholic husband.

Then, forty years after Barbra ruined the film came word that Clint Eastwood was going to remake it starring that brilliant actress stripper Beyoncé. Luckily that tanked and the idea of messing with Judy’s classic disappeared until …

Bradley Cooper decided he wanted to direct it and offered the lead role to … dear God, Judy and Janet are rolling  over in their graves and Barbra is crafting a voodoo doll out of old Oscars … Lady Gaga.

Gaga will … I can’t breathe it hurts too much … will write new songs for the film which will, unless Judy and Janet’s ghosts do something, start production early next year in California.

Seriously. The first one was good; Judy’s was a masterpiece; Barbra’s was a salute to all things Streisand; but Gaga’s?

I smell the stink already.

It's Snarkurday!

Lindsay Lohan is trying for a comeback … oh, no, not as an actress … that would be comical … but as a media whoring sensation.

In the space of a week Lohan has called her fiancé out for cheating on her with a Russian hooker in a social media meltdown … begged him to come home … accused him of assault … claimed she’s pregnant … and broken their engagement.

The Cracktress started off by posting a Snapchat video captioned:

“ET phone home.”

In the video, she begs Egor Tarabasov — get it … ET? — to come home because she’s hydrated. Huh?

“My fiancé’s being really angry at me, but I’m drinking water to get him to come home. Honey, come home, please.”

Lindsay is famous for carrying vodka in “water” bottles so maybe drinking “water” wasn’t a good idea.

The next morning, and still no ET, Lohan skipped over to Instagram to post a photo of the two of them with Egor’s face scribbled out  … and monkey emojis, something about “art” — is that her dealer, Art? — and a Cher lyric:

“He wore black and I wore white…. I guess #art is whatever you make of it.”

And then we get to the good stuff:

“I guess I was the same at 23 … Shitty time — it changes at 26/27 @e2505t thanks for not coming home tonight. Fame changes people”

I’m not sure what changed for Lohan at “26/27” … jail? But now she’s thirty and thirsty and still as Looney as ever because she started naming names:

“Wow thanks #fiance with Russian hooker @dasha_pa5h”

@dasha_pa5h is the Instagram handle for Dasha Pashevkina an account that is now closed once Lohan dragged it into the light. And then she went on:

“It’s legal if you’re selling yourself and not a Russian from #moscow right my baby @e2505t”

Lohan tagged that post with Vladimir Putin and Donald [t]Rump … wait, what … is she blaming them for the Russian hooker?

Whatever … Lohan then Instagrammed a video of Egor hanging out at a club talking to a bunch of guys with this caption:

“Home? First time in my life — bare [sic] with me/ he cheated on me with hooker #meangirls #meanboysub.”

Lohan was almost done … just one more photo of Egor accompanied by a caption written in her native tongue … DrunkAsASkunk;

“You’re suits are As only as myself, Roman and and tags ahi. Wiggins v”

Yeah. Lesson learned: stay in school. Lindsay then departed Instagram and hurried over to the Twitter where she posted a link to a still photo of her pregnant from her 2009’s Labor Pains and announced her pregnancy.

“lindsay lohan labour pains trailer - I am pregnant!!”

Wow, so she’s clearly drunk, or incapable of stringing together even a basic sentence, and engaged to a Russian millionaire who, she says, would rather pay Russian hookers for handies than be at home with his “pregnant”, out of work, obviously intoxicated fiancée?

Yup, Lohan’s back and the Crazy Train is up and running. After her whirlwind Crazy Tour of social media Lohan leaked the stories to real media outlets — think TMZ — about what was happening, you know, in case they cared:

“Egor finally came home, and they got into a fight, and then he left again. Lindsay was trying to track him down but Egor was gone again … until he wasn’t.”

The Sun released a video of Lindsay screaming and crying for help on her balcony, begging neighbors to help her after Egor ALLEGEDLY strangled her and attacked her.

Uh huh. But when police arrived and broke down the door Lindsay was nowhere to be found. No Lohan; no Egor; just a computer opened to Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter.

When Lindsay finally did resurface, she begged us all to give her some privacy:

“I would appreciate if these speculations regarding my personal life would respectfully come to a halt. Unfortunately, a private matter has become more public than I can control and I would be extremely grateful if my fiancé and myself could discuss our personal matters on our own. There are more important things going on in the world than our relationship. Please leave us be to solve our personal matters.”

Wait, we all need to stop talking about a story Lindsay Lohan posted about herself on every single social media platform she could find and then leaked to the press?

Sheesh, I bet she even took it to MySpace she’s so desperate for the attention. But then, you know, to keep it all private and keep the prying eyes away, Lohan was seen on a flight out of London after her people issued a new statement:

“Lindsay believes Egor has anger-management issues and she would like him to go to therapy. They both want to work things out… I cannot confirm her pregnancy.”

So, she played out the whole mess, got the police involved, demanded privacy, flew the coop, and then had her people tell more of the story? That’s our Lohan!

And because it’s Lohan she also appeared again on Instagram to talk about all her troubles and woes … the ones she says are none of our business:

“Dear friends. I’m good and well. #ATM I am taking time for myself with good friends. I am sorry that I’ve exposed certain private matters recently. I was acting out of fear and sadness… We all make mistakes. Sadly mine have always been so public. I have done a lot of soul searching in the past years, and I should have been more clear minded rather than distract from the good heart that I have. Social media comes with the territory of the business and the world we now live in. My intentions were not meant to send mixed messages. Maybe things can be fixed… Maybe not.. I hope they can. But I am 30 years old and I do deserve a #GENTLEgiant Life is about love and light. Not anger… Thank you to those who stand by my side”

Good lord. She says she makes mistakes but earlier didn’t she say that was how you acted in your 20s? And she’s 30 now and still pulling the same “Look At Me” shiz?

As for Egor, he stayed in London to move his stuff out of their apartment — probably one he paid for — and appears to be done with crazy.

Except now Lohan and her people, are saying Egor took some of her stuff and she’s scheduled an appearance on Judge Judy to get it back.

Oh, and because she’s nuts, Lindsay is now claiming she broke up with Egor … after he didn’t come home from a  night out with a Russian hooker. Yeah, I think getting a hand-job from a Russian hooker already means you've broken up, hon.

Now Lohan is said to be drowning her sorrows in cigarettes and booze aboard what is most likely her next boyfriend’s yacht because that’s what heartbroken pregnant women do … hook-up for a vacation and drink and smoke.

Lesson to be learned: licking a doughnut gets you uninvited to be anywhere near President Obama.

Remember when Little Pop Tartlet™ Ariana Grande licked all those doughnuts while telling everyone … “I hate Americans. I Hate America”?

Well, Ariana was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala” for President Obama but was to be vetted before they let her shake her ass for POTUS.

A Deputy Compliance Director wrote the official report:

“Ariana Butera. Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

Ouch. But the best part is that we now know her real name is  Ariana Grande-Butera. Big Butter?

Moments after the Deputy Compliance Director issued his report, a guy by the name of — and this is serious — Bobby Schmuck vetoed Big Butter’s appearance by simple saying:

“Nope, sorry.”

And Schmuck was right; imagine Ariana at the buffet table running her mouth, and her tongue, all over the Presidential Pastries.

Nope.Sorry.

Oh Gwynnie … where would we be without you?

While blowing her own horn … yoga made her that limber … in an interview with The Cut, Gwyneth Paltrow says she made yoga cool:

“I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all. I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [waves her hands in a huge gesture to emphasize her giant ego]”

So, in 1996 — twenty years ago — Goopy started off this whole yoga thing?

Someone better tell her to watch her back, and to watch that 1993 video of Jane Fonda doing yoga three years before Goop brought it to the world.

Over there on Bravo a catfight is brewing between a couple of Real Housewives … Real Housewife of Orange County, Heather Dubrow, and Real Housewife of Flipping Out Jeff Lewis.

The two apparently have Paltrow-sized egos so of course they hate each other and began arguing over who is more rude and obnoxious.

A coin flip couldn’t decide this one. It all began when Jeff appeared on Andy Cohen’s “show” when Andy asked Jeff to name his least favorite Housewife:

“Andy Cohen knew that I didn’t love her… and I was just answering the question. I mean, I don’t hate her; I don’t think about her…”

And yet he answered the question, and now says he has no idea why she doesn’t like him?

Two words: third grade. You say you don’t like someone, they say they don’t like you. Simple. Childish.

“I’ve been racking my brain, like, what could make her so angry? I did say: ‘You would be more fun if you drank more.’ But that applies to most people …”

And so now Heather is going Lohan on Social media blasting Jeff for being rude to her. Luckily, Jeff Lewis doesn’t often play the fool — except on TV — and issued this rebuttal:

“I get along with all the Housewives — they call me ‘The Housewives Whisperer,' [but] there’s an issue with her. I think she’s phony, and fake, and pretentious.” 

Pot … Kettle. But Jeff swears he didn’t go after what appears to be Heather’s surgically enhanced face — fillers, Botox, peels, knives, whatever … she’s married to a plastic surgeon — though he admits to being snarky and impertinent. 

“First of all, I think she’s a size 0, so body-shaming did not happen. She also said that I objectified her,[but] I actually complimented her! Aside from her hateful personality that makes her ugly, I think she’s an attractive woman. Her husband was sitting right across from me at this dinner party, and if I had said something I assume her husband would have stepped in?” 

Jeff claims that Heather mistook a genuine question, as offensive:

“What I said was, “God — you look great … have you had any plastic surgery?’ Because she’s married to a plastic surgeon – am I the first person who’s ever asked this?!” 

Jeff says Heather then snapped at him, and got very defensive—which he takes as proof that she’s had plastic surgery.

Sheesh, ladies, can’t we all get along? If not, I’m sensing a cross-over episode with a wine-glass throwing, table-flipping, don’t-hit-me-in-the-face-I’ve-had-work-done Bitchfest on either one, or both, of their shows.

After six months of marriage, and one week after announcing they are expecting a baby, Little Rudy Huxtable, AKA Keshia Knight Pulliam and Ed Hartwell have called it quits.

Hartwell filed first and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split, but then questions if he is the father of the unborn child.

Rudy and Ed dated four months before getting married. Uh huh.

Oh, and now Rudy, er, Keshia is telling her side of the story, saying the baby girl is definitely Ed’s and that he’s the one who cheated on her. She was all set to divorce him and had papers drawn up but he begged her to stay.

She says he cheats, he says she cheats. I just worry about the baby, with these two fools for parents.

And here’s another reminder that Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is still a bottomless pit of drama.

Last week, Johnny’s team of lawyers filed papers to keep Amber and her team of lawyers quiet about the details of the divorce.

Now it’s Amber’s turn to do some document-pot-stirring. According to court papers, Amber Heard thinks Johnny Depp’s request for her to sign a gag order is his way of stalling their divorce.

Um, Amber, honey? You’ve accused him of being a drunk and a druggie and of beating you. Why would he want to drag this out?

Sit down, sign the papers, you’re your check, and move on. You’ve both got other people to marry, embarrass and divorce, haven’t you?