The Funny Papers

Mike Smith, Clay Bennett, Adam Zyglis, Darrin Bell, Steve Sack, Jack Ohman, Jim Morin, Joe Heller, Mike Luckovich, Chris Britt

Random Musings

That Facebook live murder; I did not see the video because, call me crazy, the idea of watching an actual murder is not appealing to me.

But I know people who did watch, and then talked and talked and talked about it—though not to me, because I walked away from every conversation about it.

Let me make this queer: this new trend of committing violent acts and then posting the footage to Facebook is disgusting, but even more disgusting are the people who share the videos and then talk, in gruesome detail about the videos.

You are part of the problem because, by your sharing and talking, you are glorifying and normalizing, this kind of behavior.

It is neither of those things. Stop it.

Now, I loves me some cappuccino art as much as the next queen, but, seriously? ... “Waiter/ There’s a dick in my mocha.”

Texas has once again proven it doesn’t listen; not even to North Carolina.

Their newly proposed law to keep transgender persons from using the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity is set to cost the people of Texas $3 billion and nearly 40,000 jobs due to an impact on tourism in the state.

And, even better, over time, the proposal could cost $5.5 billion annually and 59,600 jobs.

Yeah, that makes good sense.

You gotta love CNBC for taking the time to make it clear which one of these is the President of the United States, though, given the chance, I would have voted for the Bunny.

Last week when Mr. and Mrs. _____ went to Easter services at The Episcopal Church of Bethesda-by-the-Sea in Palm Beach, it was the first time that _____, who calls himself a “devout Christian” stepped foot in a church since inauguration day.  

He has time for golf every single weekend, but not God. Even though he swore to Evangelicals, and the rest of us, that he wouldn’t play golf and that he goes to church all the time.

Just sayin’.

Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race there was an extra special judge. I say extra special because he was delicious and cute and hot and funny and, best of all, an openly gay man.

He is Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman.  He co-starred on Lifetime’s UnREAL, which is kind of a dramedy about a Bachelor–type show.

I may have to check that out because ... ooh-la-la.

Another day, another Republican getting booed at a Town Hall for supporting _____.

This time it was Arkansas Republican Senator Tom, Cotton who was booed for saying he didn’t care about _____’s taxes because “he’s still under audit.” He then went on to say, amid boos and catcalls:

“The president is also right that this was not a secondary or side issue of the campaign, this was a central issue of the campaign. Hillary Clinton and her campaign repeatedly criticized President Trump for this, and he won despite all that.”

And it’s what will take him down, Tom, and hopefully also take down goose-stepping asshats such as yourself.

I don’t like Oprah; sue me.

Here’s just one reason: she recently began airing a show on her network starring Pastor John Gray—The Book of John Gray—who is most assuredly anti-LGBT.

Back in 2013, he tweeted: “Homosexuality is no different from fornication, adultery, lying or any other sin God was clear about. It’s all the same-4those who believe.”

In another post, he blasted Target on their decision to go gender neutral in their store’s bathrooms:

“I won’t shop @target again. My son is a boy. Boys like certain toys. That’s not a gender or sexuality issue. You’ve overstepped & u will see.”

Then, on the day same-sex marriage was legalized, he told his followers:

“The Christian President of United States believes something different from the God he serves. Anyone else a little concerned?”

Sadly, this show comes at a time when Oprah will be joining Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show to commemorate the 20^th anniversary of the episode of Ellen, where the character, and DeGeneres, came out as gay.

Nice going Oprah, trying to have it both ways.

So, _____ is meeting Queen Elizabeth II in October and there are rumblings that he has made it clear he expects to be brought to the meeting in the “golden” coach, no matter the cost.

A real president, President Obama waved the formality, and arrived by motorcade to spare the expense and effort required for the less gold-plated means of transport.

But _____ likes gold ... on his buildings, spelling out his name, in toilets, in showers from Russian hookers ...

Sean “Hitler wasn’t so bad” Spicer says he’s never seen Melissa McCarthy’s impressions of him because he’s asleep when SNL airs.

The man simply cannot stop lying.

And ... cue TwitterRage ... because Facebook announced that its employees would be permitted to take time off to attend protests of _____’s immigration policies on May 1, AKA International Workers’ Day:

‘At Facebook, we’re committed to fostering an inclusive workplace where employees feel comfortable expressing their opinions and speaking up. We support our people in recognizing International Workers’ Day and other efforts to raise awareness for safe and equitable employment conditions.’

It’s an important statement, to be sure, but Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been very vocal in his criticisms of _____’s immigration policies. And now he’s telling employees they are free to take the day off and join The Resistance.

Jason Chaffetz, a _____ lap-dog, is stepping down at end of term because he wants to spend more time with his family.

Or, as I like to think, he’s seen the light and knows that he aligned himself too deeply with Hair Furor and will never again be elected to public office.

See ya, asshat.

And in another example of how ill-prepared _____ and his team are, no one single U.S. Attorney has been hired since dozens were fired in March. Jeff Sessions took off his white robe long enough to say:

“We really need to work hard at that.”

The 93 unfilled U.S. attorney positions are among the hundreds of critical Trump administration jobs that remain open.

Oh, now it makes sense; they’re trying to find attorneys who think highly of the Criminal-In-Chief.

Bye Bill O’Reilly. No matter how you spin this—he calls the claims unsubstantiated, though he paid out $13 million to make them go away—you’re a sexual predator and even Fox news can’t deal with you.

Couldn’t have happened to a bigger douche.