It's Snarkurday!

He has a long list of, ahem, “accomplishments,” from singing, rapping, preaching, creating end-of-the-word apocalyptic fashion, but is Kanye West now headed to porn?

It seems the owner Blacked.com, Greg Lansky, has offered Kanye a job directing a porn video and having complete and utter artistic control—scary because, again, I’ve seen his fashion line—perhaps after hearing Kanye admit in a new song how much he’d like to bang those other K.K.’s other than the one he married:

"You got sick thoughts?

I got more of ’em,

You got a sister-in-law you would smash?

I got four of ’em.”

I can see it now, or better yet, I can’t … Kum Klan: Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie Do Kanye.

I imagine That Woman will market this one, too.

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Oh Azealia Banks …you act as though you’re some kind of musician, but you’re all hot mess and no tunes.

Banks has been hanging out with Elon Musk]s girlfriend, Grimes,  trying to make “music” but is only causing trouble. See, Azealia claims she was left alone at Musk’s house and became bored … or delusional … or crazy … and took to Instagram to rail against Elon and Grimes for not around.

She brought up his looks; she accused him of Tweeting on acid; there was some stuff about racism, Down Syndrome, threesomes, and emerald mining in Africa during apartheid. You know, general stuff that tumbles out of Banks’ head; but it didn’t end there. Azealia decided she needed to say more about Elon and chose to say them to new gossip rag, Business Insider.

After Elon had Tweeted about taking Tesla private, saying that funding for the company was “secured” a reporter from Business Insider thought maybe Azealia had the deets and messaged her and, again because crazy, delusional, nothing better to do, she replied:

“Yeah I saw him in the kitchen tucking his tail in between his legs scrounging for investors to cover his ass after that tweet. He was stressed and red in the face. He’s not cute at all in person. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop because I’m truly not that person. I didn’t hear any specifics but I could hear that he was scrambling because he in fact – didn’t have any funding secured.”

Seriously, Business Insider? Your source for scoop on Elon and Tesla is Azealia Banks? I mean, when she’s not getting thrown off airplanes, she’s getting bounced from Russell Crowe’s house, or squatting at Musk’s place, but you think she’s got some Tesla intel?

The best thing of all is that when Business Insider tried to get Elon Musk to comment on Banks’ news, he went all Mimi on JLo:

“I don’t know her.”

Love that!

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Last week, Sean Young, and a 30-year-old male accomplice, got caught stealing two Apple laptops from a production company in Queens. Young claimed that she wasn’t stealing, because she thought the laptops were hers except … after the story broke, and before the cuffs were locked on her wrists, she returned the computers.

The laptops belong to School of Old Productions, which had hired Sean Young …seriously? … to direct a film titled Charlie Boy, written by Greg Kritikos. But, quicker than you can say “Action” Young was, ahem, let go from the production and apparently so were the laptops.

Luckily for Sean, the charges will be dropped as Timothy Hines and the rest of the crew decided that Sean didn’t need to be punished, with Timothy adding:

“We wish Sean the best of luck.”

Greg Kritikos was just as diplomatic shady:

“I’m glad we can finally put this behind us. I wish her all the best. Pray she gets the help she needs.”

She should’a gotten help decades ago, after she appeared on the late Joan Rivers’ talk show dressed as Catwoman because she didn’t think Michelle Pfeiffer was the right choice.

No word on whether or not she donned the catsuit for her late-night laptop break-in.

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Tyrese Gibson, of the Fast and the Furious franchise, used to be hot, but lately you don’t see much about him and he says it’s because of the family drama he was involved in last year.

In 2017, Tyrese was locked in a custody battle with his ex-wife Norma Mitchell over their daughter Shayla that involved into him being investigated for ALLEGED child abuse Norma claimed he spanked Shayla so hard she “couldn’t sit” and that he would steal their daughter and move to Dubai.

And Tyrese didn’t help his case much because he began wearing sweatshirts with Shayla’s name on it, which might have been cute if he hadn’t hired a plane to fly a banner over the girl’s school that read:

“NO MATTER WHAT, DADDY LOVES YOU SHAYLA.”

He and his current wife also dressed all in black for custody hearings because Tyrese claimed it was like going to a funeral. And, ickiest of all is when Tyrese dedicated alive performance of a song to his daughter; the song? Let’s Get It On.

But now Tyrese is playing the poor card saying that because of this custody mess—and his own messiness—he cannot get work and that his income has fallen off by 75%. He only makes $51,000 a month now, y’all, and must pay $10,853 a month in child support. That leaves him with a little over $40,000 a month, or 10K a week and he cannot live on that because his own monthly expenses total $113,000 a month.

Take a seat Tyrese and talk to me when you only have cat food to eat for dinner. $40,000 a month. Time for a fundraiser!

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Isn’t Paris Hilton like 50 now? I mean, she’s been around since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, right?

But, the sad thing—one of the sad things—about Paris is that she’s postponing her marriage to Chris Zylka and she wants you to know that it’s not because they’re breaking up and not at all because she bought her own engagement ring, gave it to him to give to her, and then Instagrammed the “spontaneous” proposal.

And now their November wedding has been pushed back to May because Paris wants more time to plan.

Uh huh. An “escape” plan ... for Zylka.

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According to new revelations, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s marriage didn’t fall apart because he’s some wild-eyed addict and she’s a bisexual gold-digger but because of, well, crap.

Actual crap.

The end began when Johnny showed up 2 hours late for Amber’s 30th birthday party and then they each claim they were assaulted by the other. But it turns out it was the marital bed that was assaulted.

Johnny now claims that Amber and her friends “deliberately” soiled the sheets with someone’s face and he wasn’t having it. Amber claims the fecal sheets were an accident made by Boo, their Yorkie, but, and this is a real story, y’all, the housekeeper who cleaned the poo says it was far too big to have come from a little dog.

And now a source close to Johnny says there is “strong, photographic evidence that connected Amber to the feces” and it was left as a “prank”.

Gosh, these two kids were perfect for each other. Too bad they couldn’t have worked it out and crapped their sheets all over the world.

Seriously. These two need to sit down.

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It's Snarkurday!

Will Smith and his beard wife Jada Pinkett Smith must be r-i-i-i-i-ich, and they must have really dumb friends, because the Smith’s just gave Tyrese $5 million to stay off social media.

With Tyrese is in a custody fight with his ex-wife, Norma Mitchell Gibson, who has temporary custody of Shayla, and a temporary restraining order against Tyrese based on alleged abuse, he decided to take his angst to the interwebz to whine and kvetch about being broke; and this was while he was paying huge fees to have banners flown over his daughter’s school as a way to “talk” to her; and then he even goes on Instagram to flaunt his extravagant lifestyle, jetting here and there, while, again, crying broke. He even went on a Tweet frenzy worth of a child-like fat bastard president.

Enter Will and Jada and their Hush Fund; a pay-off to keep him quiet so maybe a judge will find him worthy of joint custody of his child.

Note to the Smith’s: I’ll take $5,000 to stay off Twitter. Just sayin’.

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Oh, this could have gone so wrong, but Martha Stewart has finally been reunited with her favorite pie dish.

It seems that last month, the Domestic Diva was featured in a magazine article about her first New York apartment, which is now owned by Tom D’Agostino, who was married to Real Housewives of New York’s Luann de Lesseps for about seven minutes last summer.

In the magazine piece, Stewart makes a note of the fact that she brought an apple pie to the shoot in her very favorite pie dish and the dish was ::::gasp:::: never returned. Did D’Agostino steal it? Was he trying to lure Luann back to the marital bed with the promise of pie? That can’t be true because about a half minute after divorcing Luann, D’Agostino married one of her friends.

Tom and his people—sheesh ... everyone has ‘people’ ... I need ‘people’—then said they tried to return the dish and added, snarkily, that it was just a cheap Pyrex number anyway.

Really? Martha Freaking Stewart brings a pie in Pyrex? Bitch, please.

Luckily, before she unleashed the hounds on him, D’Agostino found the missing pie dish, and gave it to his doorman who passed it along to a Stewart minion.

Just in time for cobblers at Thanksgiving.  A bullet dodged.

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I like Chris Rock and I like politically incorrect humor, but it can cross a line especially when it’s a wee bit too soon for the joke and even more so when the jokes don’t land.

Apparently Rock tried out some new material about sexual harassment at the Comedy Cellar last week, and the women in the audience weren’t happy because he joked that he won’t hire women anymore because he would need a crew of witnesses around him at all times so he wouldn’t be accused of rape.

Yeah, rich Hollywood men raping women is not exactly fun times, Chris, who also added:

“They cry rape because they want money.”

As people booed and left the club, Rock asked his friend, Jeff Ross, who was waiting to go up for some new material; Ross yelled:

“Talk about growing up in Brooklyn.”

But Rock kept going back to sexual harassment. He left the stage after twenty minutes to near silence from the audience. Jeff Ross then got a laugh with:

“Now that we got that Chris Rock kid out of the way ...”

Note to Chris: rape isn’t funny.

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The only person who likes Taylor Swift more than Taylor Swift is her lawyers because they make bank with all her lawsuits. And recently TayTay put her team of shysters, er, lawyers to work going after a writer who wrote some things about Swifty that hurt her Hello Kitty Feelings™. The writer, a blogger actually, wrote that Taylor didn’t like her popularity in the white supremacy community, but, you know, there’s a thing called Free Speech and it even applies to juvenile pop stars.

It all began when the writer, Meghan Herning, posted ... “Swiftly to the alt-right: Taylor subtly gets the lower case kkk in formation” ... on the left-leaning blog PopFront. The post was about Swifty’s ever-increasing popularity with white supremacists and neo-Nazis, and Meghan wrote that Taylor’s recent single Look What You Made Me Do has served as a “subtle, quiet white support of a racial hierarchy.”

It seems the alt-righters are loving the idea of white girl—Taylor Swift—getting revenge on a black man—Kanye West—who did her wrong, and so in her post Meghan called for Taylor to speak up and denounce her white supremacist fan base.

At first, Taylor had her minions send a strongly-worded letter to the white supremacy community informing them that she isn’t their pin-up poster gal for hate; I don’t know why she didn’t just turn the letter into a song and make some coins while she was at it, I mean that’s what she does, right? But that letter didn’t work so now TayTay and her lawyers are going after Meghan Herning in a letter stating that the story was “provably false and defamatory,” and accusing Meghan of attacking Taylor Swift ... of all people:

“It appears to be a malicious attack against Ms. Swift that goes to great lengths to portray Ms. Swift as some sort of white supremacist figurehead, which is a baseless fiction masquerading as fact and completely misrepresents Ms. Swift.”

The letter also defends Swifty’s decision to say nothing about being the poster gal of Neo-Nazis everywhere and to keep her political affiliations to herself. And so, Meghan shared the letter with the ACLU, who feel that what Meghan wrote is political commentary that falls under the protection of the First Amendment and they say—and they actually quoted one of Swifty’s songs—that TayTay needs to “shake it off,” put her big girl panties on, turn her drama into a badly written, poorly sung song that her fans, on the left and the alt-right can tap their toe to.

Amirite?

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Well, yet another parent has claimed that Kevin Spacey got her 18-year-old son drunk and sexually assaulted him. It happened in Nantucket, and now there is an open investigation into Kevin Spacey.

And, like Harvey Weinstein, Spacey is being punished monetarily, though not yet criminally.

First Netflix canceled House of Cards, and now Sony has announced that they were pulling out of their AFI Fest premiere of All the Money In the World in which Spacey has a smallish but significant role. Even worse, though, is now the director of that film, Ridley Scott, is completely editing Spacey out of the finished film and recasting the role. The film was due out next month, but now the reshoots and the Kutting of Kevin will push back its release date.

Christopher Plummer will now play the role of J Paul Getty in the film, and work is expected to go so fast that it will still be released at the end of December, in time for Oscar consideration.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Plummer won for his reshoot of Spacey’s role? Just sayin’.

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The May-December-Of-The-Following-Year romance between thirty-something Katharine McPhee and nearly-seventy-something David Foster may be less than it appears.

A friend—and who needs friends like this—says it’s all about:

“Publicity. They are using each other.”

Could be true, because the, ahem, “love birds” recently sat courtside at a Lakers game and were sure to be photographed smiling and gazing into each other’s eyes. But the source says Foster knows nothing about sports and has never attended a Lakers’ game until that night with his “girlfriend.”

The next night, the “couple” went to Craig’s in Beverly Hills, a paparazzi-magnet restaurant, where they were photographed again.

And since Foster has been working since 2008 on a musical about the iconic cartoon character Betty Boop, with a part that would be perfect for McPhee, maybe it is all publicity; especially given that Foster’s daughter Erin Instagrammed a photo of the couple with the tagline:

“Excited about my new step mom.”

A story McPhee calls a joke. Uh huh. Or just a way to keep yourself in the public eye so when you go to Broadway people won’t say, “Katharine, who?”

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Weinstein. Spacey. Louis CK. Ed Westwick. All accused of sexual harassment, assault or even rape. And now we have another name to add to the list: Mariah Carey.

No, not Victim Mimi, but Predator Mimi, because one of her former security guards has coughed up a lawsuit containing some messy allegations.

Michael Anello’s security company was employed by Mariah from June 2015 to May 2017 and, according to the lawsuit, Michael claims Mariah stiffed him on money, sexually harassed him, and said some racist things.

First the money, Michael claims that Mariah owes his company $221,329.51 in unpaid invoices; he also says Mimi promised him two more years of work worth $511,000, for a total of $732,329.51.

But the juicy bits are in the harassment claims; Michael, who is white, says Carey often referred to him and a colleague as Nazis, skinheads, and KKK members, and made it known she wanted to be surrounded by “black guys” and not white people. Michael also accuses Mariah of performing “sexual acts” with the intent they be seen by him, and that during a trip to Mexico, Mimi asked him to come to her room and move some luggage. When he arrived, Mimi’s LadyBits were on display in a see-through negligee that was open in the front. As he tried to leave, she demanded he stay and move her luggage, but he left and says there was no physical contact.

Mariah’s people say they’re working with his lawyer to pay some of the outstanding invoices, but Anello’s not happy with their offer and so maybe that’s why he coughed up the sexual harassment claims.

I don’t know about you but I’d be annoyed that she asked her security team to move her luggage; I mean, wasn’t there a bellhop or a much younger boyfriend to do the heavy lifting?

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Last Summer, when Universal released its reboot of The Mummy starring Tom Cruise, they had planned to create their own Marvel-style Dark Universe franchise full of rebooted classic horror films. But, you know, The Mummy tanked worse than a Tom Cruise marriage and the plan was scrubbed.

Still, Tom wants some kind of horror film franchise and it’s been suggested—perhaps by me—that he do a Scientology Trilogy cuz nothing is scarier that that abortion-coercing, money laundering, child abusing cult.

Just sayin’.

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It's Snarkurday!

Last week Andy Cohen was cornered by a paparazzi who asked about Kathy Griffin’s newfound loathing of former BFF Anderson Cooper because he found her ugly display of _____’s bloody head childish and stupid and so now she hates him. But Cohen got the laugh because, when he was asked if he’d spoken to Kathy Griffin about her now lost New Year’s Eve gig, he served up some shade by saying:

“Who?”

Griffin, who recently called her ex-bestie a “spineless heiress” then went after Cohen on Twitter and the people who couldn’t believe Cohen said anything:

“Even when it's on tape, there are doubters? He is NOT kidding w paps. Was my boss for 10 years. Treated me like a dog. Deeply misogynistic”

Seriously. Kathy Griffin is supposed to be a comic who dishes and dogs and badmouths anyone, but she can clearly not handle the heat. Sit down, D-lister.

But, and I love this, Andy Cohen responded to Griffin’s next tirade that he is a coke monster by taking the high ground, right after taking the low road and calling Griffin a “bag of bull sh*t”:

“All I have to say about the mishegas of this weekend, and I only have one thing to say about this bag of bulls—t … it’s so funny, because I was ... standing there all that time waiting for the elevator, and that’s why it kept going on and on — and I didn’t really know how to pivot in the conversation. Like, ‘What, what, I don’t know!’ So I failed my Mariah impression. “So I didn’t land that ‘I don’t know her,’ but can I ask you a question? If you were a comedian and someone said, ‘I don’t know you,’ and it was obvious, like, aren’t there much more important things? How offensive is that in the galaxy?”

It’s offensive to a D-lister trying to stay afloat because it keeps her name in the media.

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Well, it’s been four loooong weeks since Kim Cattrall announced she was saving the world from a second bad sequel to Sex and the City and while most members of the cast were, at first, pissed about losing that paycheck, they’ve mostly moved on ... except Kristin Davis.

After hosting the 2017 Princess Grace Awards Gala last week and having E! News ask about the end of SATC, Kristin took to Instagram to write all about it:

“I’m just grateful. I know my co-stars are grateful as well that we have the fan support, that we have each other, that we love each other. We still…maybe we’ll figure out something to do, I don’t know, it would be great.”

Seriously, Kristin? Stop already, it’s a dead horse in Manolos and no one wants to see that. You’d be better off trying to score a Lifetime reboot of Melrose Place.

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Go figure ... the Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, was banned by the Bishop of New York from performing at Bette Midler’s Hulaween Gala last weekend.

Midler had invited Von Teese to perform at the party, which took place at The Cathedral Church of Saint John the Divine, but The Right Reverend Andrew M L Dietsche, the Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New York, was not pleased at all and ordered that Von Teese not be allowed to perform inside his Cathedral Church.

The website says it’s a “house of prayer for all people and a unifying center of intellectual light and leadership” but it’s also an event space which can be rented for events ... that don’t offend priests; Priests? Really? I bet a good many of them are dressed like Von Teese under their robes.

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Well, once hot actor, 62-year-old actor Christopher McDonald was arrested in Lake Arrowhead recently after he drove his silver Porsche off the highway, crashed into a gas meter at a supermarket, and ended up in an embankment.  And when police arrived, a witness claimed McDonald informed them he was in Happy Gilmore.

Yes, he was so drunk he thought if he name-dropped a crappy movie he’d be let go, and maybe it worked ... police took him to a nearby jail, where he slept it off and was released without bail.

Keep that in mind if you run off the road while drunk ... Happy Gilmore may get you off.

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Tyrese was performing in concert recently and decided to dedicate a song to his 10-year-old daughter Shayla.

Clearly, he opted for the musical love note to his daughter because right now he and his ex-wife, Norma Gibson, are fighting over custody of Shayla. Norma has a temporary restraining order for herself and Shayla against Tyrese, but a judge granted Tyrese a 6-hour court-monitored visit with his daughter.

I’m thinking, though, that when the judge gets wind of his love song to his daughter, he might wanna rethink the visitation, because the song Tyrese chose to bond with his child was Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On.

Apparently he’s taken a page from the Woody Allen book on fatherhood?

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This is rich ... last week Real Housewives of New Jersey’s table-flipping-convicted-felon-ex-con Teresa Giudice took part in a Real Housewives panel discussion—yes, that’s a real thing ... for morons with nothing better to do—and took a shot at Modern Family actress Sofia Vergara.

Teresa told a story ... emphasis on “story” ... about how she took a photo with Sofia at an event, and Sofia stepped in front of her ... a Real Housewife ... to “steal the spotlight.” And since felons rarely forget the sins, real and mostly imagined, committed against them, Teresa hasn’t forgotten ... and says Sofia complained about having to pose with Teresa. Hell, I’d complain to anyone and everyone if it was suggested I share the spotlight with Teresa Giudice:

“We’re in the green room and my publicist from Bravo was like, ‘You’re going to run into Sofia so you’re going to take pictures together.’ ‘Alright, that’s fine.’ I never ask for a picture because I’m so not like that. I don’t care. She didn’t want to take a picture. And I was just like… ‘I didn’t even do anything.’ And I was so mad at myself because I was like, ‘Bitch, I don’t even want to take a picture with you!’”

Says a media whore who sold herself and her husband’s criminal activity for a few coins from Bravo.

Afterward, Giudice’s makeup artist Priscilla DiStasio—most often seen putting lipstick on the pig—says she overheard Vergara ALLEGEDLY say “Why’d you make me take a picture with that woman?”

And, naturally, it got Teresa Two-Head—I mean  that clearly isn’t a forehead up there—to just go off, about Sofia being an immigrant and so she should treat people better:

“I was disappointed and hurt in the way she treated me ... I found it to be very rude and condescending given the fact that I had just met her, and I wasn’t the one asking for the photo. I figured that because we both shared very humble upbringings with families that emigrated to this country, she would have had more humility. I can’t stand her, sorry. I hate to say that, because I’m Italian, she’s Colombian. She has an accent, she has more of an accent than me. You would think that she would be nice—she’s an immigrant!”

Don’t you love it when a media-whoring-reality-hag who spent a year in prison for dozens of counts of bank, mail, wire, and bankruptcy fraud takes the moral high ground and tries to give etiquette lessons to immigrants?

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Kellan Lutz, of Twilight fame[?], recently gave an interview and discussed why he will not appear nude on film. Clearly, as you can see, Kellan has quite the, um, body of for work, but you won’t see him nekkid on the big screen ... and he’s blaming it on the fiancee:

“God gave me this body. He gave me the genetics. He gave me the ability to work out. He gave me the drive to do what I do, so I’m going to do it until he takes me out of it. And I also have boundaries for myself and my fiancée. I have dated actresses. Seeing them making out with other guys or sex scenes, it kills my heart. And if that makes you a brilliant actor and win awards—I don’t want awards.”

Well, I’m thinking he won’t ever have to worry about that but Kellan goes on to say that he is so adamant about not winning awards, he had his agent put it in his contract:

“I have a nudity clause. I just don’t think nudity needs to happen. For me, I don’t need to walk out of a shower showing my ass.”

Oh, Kellan, you’re not Daniel Day Lewis, who would probably go nude if the script called for it, and you do have a beautiful body, and. maybe, just maybe, you could have had Channing Tatum’s career if you bared your bum; I mean, it hasn’t hurt him, has it?

And seriously, since the first credit that pops up when your name appears in an article is a film franchise that ended in 2011, you might wanna reconsider.

If only for my sake?

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