Why Is It ...

… that I realized I may have a drinking problem because the other day over breakfast Carlos asked me to toast some bread for him and I raised my martini and said, “Here’s to bread!”

… that everything nowadays is so expensive ... even dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.

… that I can't help but laugh at those little teenagers walking into school with their iced coffees. My generation took vodka to school in water bottles, rookies!

… that gas is so high that the mailman is working from home; he calls me and reads my bills to me.

… that the next time you’re down about life put it all in perspective. I have a friend that has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and yet every day he complains how much he hates prison.

… that when something needs to be said and no one wants to say, I’m already over here clearing my throat. Don’t worry, I got this.

… that when I was eating chicken a vegan walked up to me and said, “What you’re eating had a family,” and I replied, “That’s why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.”

… that when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary I always shout, "I know it fucking isn't! I’m vulgar not stupid."

… that I don’t think I drink too much coffee but I do believe my body will keep moving up to forty-eight hours after my death.

… that my tastes have always been vanilla, more mild than wild. But I'm super into B&D now. Block and Delete.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am fully aware of how annoying I can be but that’s their problem and not mine.

… that there is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul … especially when it’s over ice with a celery stalk and vodka.

… that I shout “not friendly” when people approach me while out walking and I don’t have a dog; I’m talking about me.

… that when I call in sick to work never ask me what’s wrong; I’m sick of y’all, that’s what.

… that no one realizes that my toxic trait is that you cannot threaten me with screenshots of what I said. I said what I said. Get me a microphone and I’ll say it again.

… that try as I might I cannot find bug repellent that works on people.

… that if you text me and I text right back do not ever assume you can call me because you know my phone is in my hand. I will call the police.

… that I tell people I’m vegan … well, a social vegan … I avoid meet.

… that Carlos still hasn’t learned that when I suggest we play doctor what I mean is that he go sit in another room for an hour while I read.

… that I didn’t know life was gonna be like this? Had I known I would have gotten a job and bought a house in first grade.

Why Is It ...

… that when I create a To Do List, it lists things like burst someone’s bubble, or stir the pot, or toot my own horn … add my two cents … skate on thin ice … add fuel to the fire.

… that while I was at the bakery I heard a little boy behind me cry to his mother, “Mom, there are only four donuts left!” and when the counterperson asked what I wanted I said, “Four donuts please.”

… that while I am awful at sit ups and lousy at push ups my fuck ups are top notch.

… that I've always wondered if any of my recorded calls have been used for training or quality purposes.

… that y’all need to know that you can’t believe everything I post on here cuz Rosita is always stealing my phone

… that y’all don’t realize if your birth year starts with 19 you shouldn’t be wrapping presents on the floor

… I follow the 7/7/7 plan at work … do my job for 7 minutes, then spend 7 minutes booking a cruise and then disappear for 7 days

… that when people tell me I’m intimidating I always say, ‘Good. Think three times before speaking to me.’

… that you need to know that I am not an asshole; I am a hemorrhoid and I only irritate assholes.

… that I love it when one of the cats sighs and I say, “Oh, what’s up my little unemployed freeloader?”

Why Is It ...

… that when someone tries to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “There's gonna be a lot of people there,” my response is, “Oh, okay ... then No.”

… that I have only just learned that the best way to get out of a conversation is to take one sock off and hand it to the person speaking. Problem solved.

… that no one has yet to invent transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

... that no one realizes that I can’t even fake “kick it” so that’s why they don’t see me.

… that my friends keep asking me to try out their new Ouija board when they know I don’t even like talking to living people.

… that people don’t realize that I do not get drunk; I just get less classy and more fun

… that people don’t realize that I am just here to post shiz I find funny. Please know, however, that if that offends you, I find that shiz funny, too.

… that people need to learn that I am not the bigger person and they should leave me alone.

… that when people say I should get out more and get out of my comfort zone I always reply, ‘Howsabout you get outta my comfort zone.’

… that people don’t realize that out of all the lies I’ve told in my lifetime, ‘Just kidding’ is my favorite.

Why Is It ...

… that I would like to give up sarcasm, but that would leave interpretative dance as my only means of communication.

… that the older I get the easier it becomes for me to look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that after several consultations my dermatologist can provide no treatment for the people getting under my skin.

… that people don’t believe it when I say I just got my Dissociates Degree.

… that so many people take the internet and social media so seriously … most of their “likes” come from  people at home sitting on their toilets.

… that people forget silence is my favorite conversation.

… that people always told me to just be myself and then I did and now everyone’s scared and I need a lawyer.

… that you need to remember I am not bored, I’m just tired of everything.

… that, like most people, I have to work extra hard because the baby is expensive. Oh, and I am the baby.

… that people forget the one thing I am really good at is pretending you never existed.

Why Is It ...

… that as I get older I no longer dislike Mondays … I dislike the whole week.

… that I used to fall asleep and lay in one position the entire night. Now I rotate like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or a hip hurts.

… that when people say, ‘Bob you are out of fucking control,’ I hear ‘Bob, you are such a free spirit.’

… that more often than not I find out without even getting the chance to fuck around.

… that people need constant reminding that no matter how they feel about me, there’s nothing they can do.

… that after work I was so excited to get that raise. I mean, it was in medication dosage, but I’ll take any win I can get.

… that some people think I have no self control. I have actually cooked meals for men I should have poisoned but didn’t.

… that people need to learn that I may not put the sparkle in their eyes, but I will put the WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I think the best way to get over somebody is with your car.

… that people don’t realize my social media posts are not targeted at anyone in particular, but if you feel offended I’m glad I could reach one person.

Why Is It ...

… that when I tell people to pray for Carlos it’s not because there’s something wrong; it’s just that he married me and I’m a lot.

… that people don’t get it that I want to be invited but I won’t be coming.

… that when I’m feeling good I go to my blocked lists on social media and release one of two prisoners.

… that I can endure a lot of things at work without losing my cool, but having one of my “best pens” go missing is not one of them.

… that opening the microwave door 1 second early because I don’t need the hootin’ and hollerin’ is a form of self-care.

… that people seem to forget that I am Fucktose Intolerant and am completely unable to tolerate other people’s bull shit.

… that when Aphrodite lies around naked in a clamshell she’s a goddess, but when I do it, they call me a drunk and ban me from the aquarium.

… that no one remembers that I am not the bigger person; if you take it there, trust and believe that I am going way past that.

… that I’ve been having just two moods lately … IDGAF and IDGAF Part 2, now with extra attitude.

… that when the newscaster says shark-infested waters during a shark bite report, I shriek, “Sharks don’t infest the waters, THEY LIVE THERE!!!!!”

Why Is It ...

… that when people say, “You look so familiar,” responding with “Were we in prison together” always stops the conversation.

… that you can say “Have a nice day” and it’s no problem, but saying ”Enjoy your next twenty-four hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

… that HR doesn’t understand that when I tell my coworkers I have handmade gifts for each of them, and then gave them the finger, that it comes from my heart.

… that people don’t see that my problem is that I am both mature and childish ... I’m mildish.

… that my boss got angry when he told me to have a good day and I went home.

… that I wish my life had background music so I’d know if I was in a drama, a comedy or a full-blown horror film.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am not late, I am just running on Boss Time.

… that coworkers don’t realize that when I say “Noted,” what I really mean is “Leave me alone.”

… that y’all need to realize that I am not ignoring you, I have just put myself on Silent Mode for people.

… that I have this constant urge to write “Nobody gives a fuck” on everyone’s social media status.

Why Is It ...

… that pets are great for companionship or if you want to trip and die while moving from room to room  … and I am looking at you Consuelo!

… that people forget that I will match their respect but I will top their disrespect; don’t play with me.

… that my top three assumptions at the sound of a doorbell are: 1. It’s a murderer; 2. It’s the police telling me someone has died; or 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking has arrived.

… that people don’t understand that I identify as clumsy and my pronouns are Oops, Ouch and Oh no!

… that when people think my post is about them I ask them why? Did they find something in their size? Something from our new Guilty Conscience Collection.

… that while I am mentally at the beach, physically I am at a meeting I didn’t ask for.

… that some people don’t get that I am not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if I had to choose between saving you and a cactus, I’d water the cactus.

… that you need to realize that I don’t start drama, I just finish it with better comebacks.

… that you don’t see that I am not ignoring you, I’m just giving you the time to realize how irrelevant you are to me.

… that it infuriates me that Chicken Lips went to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work any more.

Why Is It ...

… that when I think of Maddie, I always think, ‘Let the fun begin’ … wait, that’s not right. Oh, yeah, I think, ‘Let the fun be gin.’

… that people never learn that, before they try to hurt my feelings, take into consideration that I don’t have any and they probably do.

… that nothing brings out my inner sarcasm like being asked stupid questions at work.

… that people always ask why I post so many memes; short answer: I don’t have the body for an OnlyFans. Next question, please.

… that I often wonder if clouds look down on people and think, ‘That one is shaped like an idiot.’

… that people should remember that if I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. Right after cashing that check I will be moving to a rich neighborhood.

… that it’s a 5 minute walk to the bar but a 45 minute walk home … the difference is staggering.

… that no one realizes how much I hate when they ring my doorbell because then I have to drop to the floor, lay there in silence and pretend I’m not home.

… that seeing people walk out of my life is really painful because I want to see them run.

Why Is It ...

… that no one is surprised that I am stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out that it wasn’t for me, but I appreciate the opportunity.

… that people don’t realize that I’m a nice person until they hit the Bitch Button.

… that when someone asks if I ever think before I post something nasty, I always say, ‘Yeah, and I even laugh and kick my feet a little.’

… that I sometimes feel as if my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure they like me.

… that when someone asks me if I’m an early bird or a night owl I tell them I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

… that while friends bring you happiness, best friends bring you tequila.

… that I sometimes think I might be the only person that pauses the music to see if the siren is in the song or behind me.

… that no one appreciates it when I give away free samples of my attitude.

… that nearly every morning I wish for someone to go into work for me; just walk in and act like me, no one will notice.

… that my friends keep forgetting that if we are in a non-laughing situation, they should not be looking at me.

Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that I have decided, with a peaceful spirit and a loving heart and a clear mind … that some people can still kiss my ass.

… that people need to know that I was raised with manners but if you go low, I will take us both to Hell.

… that I hate when people hold the door for me when I’m like ten yards away and then I have to hit a jog to get to the door quickly  so I don’t look rude.

… that people don’t realize that the “P’” in my name stands for Patience and that’s why there is no ‘P’ in my name.

… that I am a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

… that I cannot help but think men invented arm wrestling so they can hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes.

… that when friends ask me if I want to go for a run I always ask, “From what?”

… my adult life is literally how my mom used to describe me as a baby: “Oh, he’s overtired and that makes him cranky.”

… that I have a habit of deleting my own posts quickly because I am not the same person I was three minutes ago.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that I am actually kind of funny  and loving once you get past the 19 walls I put up.

… that when my boss told me I was all out of vacations days, I told him to sign me up for maternity leave.

… that y’all need to know that I have tried shutting up and found that it wasn’t for me.

… that people don’t understand that they shouldn’t send me mixed signals. I never even get the direct ones.

… that many times I get road rage walking behind people in grocery stores.

… that as I grow older I realize that stretching is not an option. I need to remove my spine and wring it out like a damp towel.

… that today, while I’m choosing kindness, y’all need to remember that it’s still early.

… that, while I am not bragging, I will share that my posts are enjoyed by well over three people worldwide.

… that after venting I sometimes sit back and think, “I should have kept that to myself.”

… that I am not built for anybody who’s soft. I’m mean, I talk back, I don’t listen and sarcasm is my first language.

Why Is It ...

... that people need to know that, while I might be annoying, at least MY lock screen isn’t a selfie.

… that when I was younger and my parents told me not to come home late, I always came home early … the next morning.

… that I miss the old days back in 1955 when I didn’t exist.

… that the fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says a lot about who I am as a person.

… that I want to join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

… that when a social media post includes “I bet none of my friends will share this” you can rest assured I won’t.

… that when I know my social media page is being watched I post things on purpose, just to ruffle your feathers.

… that sometimes the best place to be is nowhere to be found.

… that no one  or nothing has had a bigger glow up in the last ten years than cauliflower. It went from being nasty ashy broccoli to being the Mystique of vegetables, always coming at you with a new shape. You want rice? Mashed potatoes? Pasta? Cheese? Pizza? Low cost housing? A man? Make it from cauliflower.

Why Is It ...

… that I haven’t been able to teach my body that the fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations, and not answering an email.

… that whenever I see two people arguing online I believe whoever spells correctly.

… that blocking someone on social media isn’t enough; I want them to have lice.

… that every so often I burn sage in the house and then I pass out because I’m the negative energy

… that when life gives me lemons I just eat them whole; I choke that lemon down … skin, pulp, pith, seeds, and all. And I don’t break eye contact with the lemon. I figure life will stop being a bitch if I show it that I am done fucking around.

… that no one seems to be aware that, for me, the lack of coffee may cause memory loss and sometimes memory loss.

… that it took me this long to realize I have just Three Moods: What the Fuck? Are you Fucking kidding me? And Fuck this.

… that those who like my social media posts are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don’t … according to a study I made up in my head.

… that being human is sometimes so miserable that I’d rather be a baby hippo who is allowed to bite everyone.

Why Is It ...

… that sometimes I feel like giving up even though I know I have a lot of people to prove wrong.

… that I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired and today isn’t looking so good and I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

… that every day I try to decide if I should be an example or a warning to others.

… that people should stop asking me for moral support when they all know I have questionable morals.

… that I am always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

… that I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll have the whole set. 

… that people are afraid to share my posts because they think the SWAT team will come knocking on their door. I mean, the SWAT team doesn’t knock.

… that, while I don’t know if I could ever ‘complete’ someone, driving them batshit crazy sounds doable.

… that if anyone uses the F-word twice in a single sentence I feel like I have found My People.

… that it took me this long to get my Senior GPS. I mean, not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that you need to know if you block me on social media you’d best be blocking my friends, too, because they’re sending me screenshots.

… that I often want to stop a conversation mid-sentence and say, “Hey, I don’t care.”

… that you don’t realize there is no point in arguing with me. I realized I was wrong about 15 minutes ago and now I’m just trying to make you mad.

… that apparently saying “the vibes are off” is not an excuse to leave work early.

… that I stop myself from making sarcastic comments at least forty times a day and I am never given credit for it.

… that you need to remember to chill before my Inner Voice becomes my Outer Voice.

… that I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet of Legos than share a fun fact about myself with a group of strangers.

… that whenever I agree with someone it’s usually so they’ll stop talking.

… that when my boss and I argue and he says, ‘I didn’t ask for an attitude,’ I reply, ‘No worries. It’s complimentary.’

… that I have to apologize if I acted insane, but in my defense, I’m insane.