Ain't That America XXXIX

Another week and the four week war is in its eighth week … the president and his Cabinet cannot do basic math … there was another ALLEGED attempt on his life ... Miss Lindsey is crying in her vodka … And a bit of good news too …

A man was shot at the White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday night while a Secret Service agent took the bullet in his vest but survived. Cankles was rushed off stage but within an hour he was saying that the shooting proves the need for the ballroom and justifies his war.

The man who survived an ALLEGED actual attempt on his life before, who said political violence was "destroying America" after Charlie Kirk was shot, whose Justice Department charged the Southern Poverty Law Center with fraud last week, who has been escalating his rhetoric against journalists and Democrats and judges every single day for months, used a shooting at a press dinner as a marketing pitch for his ballroom and his war.

That sounds about Cankles and all of that makes the entire thing seem suspect; again.

 

Throughout US during Cankles Con Artist Regime stock traders have been betting millions of dollars just before he makes major announcements.

Insider trading and the GOP-led Congress does nothing. They are just as complicit and need to be removed.

Acting Attorney ​General Todd Blanche  says the US government should add firing squads, electrocution and gas asphyxiation as methods of ​executing people convicted of the gravest federal crimes.

Careful what you wish for Todd, because soon enough many in the regime might be facing those very same methods.

That is a photo of Cankles with members of the University of Georgia’s championship-winning women’s tennis team.

Just so you know, those are all men in the front row and this picture proves how the regime feels about women.

Newly seated GOP Rep. Clay Fuller:

“So I had to stay in a hotel in Maryland for work and I wake up and it is blazing hot in my room. So the AC’s out. So I go to the front desk and I was like, ‘Hey, sir, the AC’s out. Can you send anybody down to my room to help fix it?’ He said, ‘Well, it’s not that it’s broken. You have to understand that there’s an AOC, Green New Deal thing, where if you’re not moving in your room, the AC just basically shuts off on its own.’ And I said, ‘Well, I’m asleep, I’m obviously not moving.’ And he said, ‘Don’t worry, there this VIP setting and we can override and the AC will stay on.’  And I said, ‘I don’t understand, it should already be in VIP mode because I’m from Georgia.’ And he said, ‘I don’t understand.’ I said, ‘Well, Georgia is named after George Washington,’ who quite literally invented freedom. It’s the birthplace of Ronald Acuna Jr.  … And he said, ‘Well, I’m immediately switching it to VIP mode.'”

Fuller’s stupidity was instantly fact-checked to prove that Georgia was not named for George Washington and that Atlanta Braves star Ronald Acuna was born in Venezuela.  

Health Secretary, Racoon Dick Saver and Heroin Addict  Robert F. Kennedy Jr. defended Cankles frequent incorrect calculations of percentages when talking about discounts on prescription drug prices, arguing that the president “has a different way of calculating” saying:

“If you have a $600 drug, and you reduce it to $10, that’s a 600% reduction.”

Seriously, math is hard if not downright impossible for the regime. A price discount cannot be more than 100% because that would lower the price to zero—or suggest that the company was giving you money for buying the product.

Cankles says that he would have led the US to victory in the Vietnam War within weeks.

Funny, though, that a five-time draft dodger who begged his daddy to have a doctor declare that his bone spurs made it impossible for him to go to Vietnam thinks he could have stopped the war.

He can’t even end the war in Iran quickly though he claims every week that the war is over until he relaizes it’s not.

Energy Secretary Chris Wright floundered this week when cornered on his shifting claims about rising gas prices amid the war with Iran. Wright was reminded by CNN host Jake Tapper that just six weeks ago he had predicted prices would drop below $3 a gallon within weeks—not months and now, when asked again when Americans could realistically expect those lower prices prices Wright said:

“Uh, I don‘t know.”

Perfect man for the job. Eh?

Miss Lindsey took to the airwaves this week begging for money because the Democrats are outspending him:

“We’re in a fight for the heart and soul of this country. I’m in a fight. I need your help. I hate to say this, but I’ve been outraised twice by Democrats … The Democrats have money. I don’t know where they’re getting all this money, but I need your help … Please help me if you can.”

Um, ma’am? The Democrats have money because right now a slim majority of South Carolinians want your ass out of Congress. M’kay? Better?

The Cankles regime rolled out the welcome mat for the upcoming visit of King Charles III . Sadly, though, they displayed the flags of Australia instead of the Union Jack though to be fair Charles is also Australia’s head of state.

Fair, but not diplomatically ideal.

A federal appeals court ruled that Cankles’ declaration of an “invasion” at the US-Mexico border was illegal, effectively clearing the way to reopen the United States to migrants seeking asylum. It was not clear when asylum processing would resume, and the regime is likely to appeal the decision but it’s a step and smack in the face for Cankles.

Cankles approval rating has sunk to a new low as Americans express growing concerns about rising costs and the war with Iran.

Just 37% of adults approve of Cankles’ performance as president, while 63% disapprove—including 50% who disapprove strongly—putting his job rating at the lowest point of his second term.

Seriously.

Speculation ramped up this week over which ranking administration official would go next and the money is one DUI hire Kash Patel.

Sorry not sorry.

At the start of the 2026 election cycle, the Senate looked far out of reach for the Democrats though the House always seemed competitive; retaking the Senate would require flipping at least four Republican-held seats—including at least two seats in states Cankles won by double digits in 2024.

In today’s polarized era, Democrats would need everything to break their way and so far everything is breaking the Democrats’ way.

All the more reason to vote; we can stop all this bull shit with Democrats in charge of the Senate and the House.

Get out there and:

The Funny Papers

Rick McKee, Clay Bennett, Max Espinoza, Nick Anderson, Marc Murphy, Chris Britt, Jesse Duquette, Mike Luckovich, Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, Trevor Irvin, Jack Ohman, Michael de Adder

Snarky Thoughts

The smugness and hilarity of Gwyneth Paltrow and Terry Sanderson’s 8-day ski accident trial held many of us in a tight grip a while back. It ended when the jury sided with the Oscar-winning actress … hold for laughter … and awarded her the $1 dollar in damages she’d requested; she was also asking that Sanderson pay her lawyer fees because the crash caused her to miss a half-day of skiing, but we now know that lawyers for both parties have agreed to drop that part of the suit. 

My Thought: Maybe that haughty, I’m-too-good-for-this-nonsense bitch face caused Paltrow’s attorneys to rethink their money beg.

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Halle Berry is making Madonna look absolutely parched, she’s so thirsty. Like Madge, Halle has posted a nude photo of herself sipping wine on a balcony to social media, with the caption:

“i do what i wanna do. happy Saturday.”

In the photo, Berry is covering her breasts with her arm and leaning against a railing that covers her nether regions.

My Thought: This is pure thirst because Halle had her boyfriend take the camera downstairs and outside while she perched on the balcony so he could snap the photo. I guess doing what she wants to do for Halle means sending her boyfriend to the yard to take a nudie pic.

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Who needs Adele or Elton, or even Paddington Bear when you’ve booked Katy Perry, Lionel Ritchie, Winnie the Pooh and Tom Cruise for your coronation?

My Thought: King Charles and those wacky Windsor’s are scraping the bottom of the celebrity  barrel to make this coronation a thing.

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Another Kardastrophe, well, to be fair, a Kardastrophe-adjacent, family member is pitching  a hissy over the idea that people think she's had plastic surgery. Kylie Jenner admits to having lip fillers but wants y’all to know she isn’t all that plastic:

“I think a big misconception about me is that I’ve had so much surgery on my face and that I was some insecure person, and I really wasn’t!”

But she always “wanted full lips” but claims it’s not due to insecurities saying she was “always the most confident person in the room” as a child and “the girl performing for everyone,” but because of her “one lip insecurity thing” she chose to make a change.

My Thought: That little lip thing really made her face and body and breasts totally different, and that makes it one special filler.

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Alec Baldwin is back in the news, though not for killing someone … this time. See, after the manslaughter  charges against him were dropped he posted a slideshow of his seven kids calling them “seven reasons to carry on during tough times.” Trouble is, Baldwin has eight children and appears to have forgotten his daughter Ireland, whose mother is Kim Basinger, and whom he famously called a “pig” years back in a telephone rant.

My Thought: Not exactly father of the year material, eh? I mean if you have so many children you forget the first one.

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Snarky Thoughts

Rumor has it that good boy Prince Andrew is heartbroken and, well, furious that his older brother King Chuck is the sole heir to mommy’s nearly $800M tax-free estate.

My Thought: If you’d stayed away from underage girls, mama might have slipped you some coins.

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What is it with some celebrities who feel the need to share every minute detail of their lives? And, no, this time I don’t mean Madge. Actor and podcaster Rachel Bilson is the latest member of the Thirsty Overshare Club™ and has decided to let the world know that although she has had several relationships, but she has never had an orgasm until she was thirty-eight.

My Thought: Was anyone asking her about her orgasms or does she just think everyone cares … cuz I, for one, don’t.

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When movie theater attendance took a nose-dive with the rise of streaming and COVID lockdowns, tiny men with big egos, Tom Cruise and James Cameron, demanded their films only be shown in theaters to get America back at the movies. And yet neither man could be bothered to show up to the Oscars, AKA “Hollywood’s Biggest Night.”

My Thought: Cameron wasn’t nominated, so clearly he stayed home to pout, and Tom Cruise’s new face probably wasn’t ready by the time the show aired.

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Ever since Bravo let her go fired her for being a hot shrieking mess, people have been wondering who will replace Lisa Rinna as the new bitch on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Well, it might be a former Desperate House stepping in to fill Rinna’s hooves since rumor has it that Andy Cohen has asked professional television bitch, Nicolette Sheridan, to join the show.

My Thought: What else is Sheridan doing, right? On the other hand, it would be smack to Rinna because Sheridan was once married to Rinna’s husband, Harry Hamlin … oh, and her lips are real.

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Since we already talked thirsty—see Rachel Bilson orgasm—let’s add to the club with one Miley Cyrus. See, Miley and her ex-husband Liam Hemsworth broke up over four years ago and she went on to have several relationships, as did he, but suddenly all of her new music is about Liam and how she doesn’t need him  and how he broke her heart and how he left her.

My Thought: Miley clearly wants Liam back, because why else spend her time four years later writing revenge songs? Especially given that Liam moved on and is in a long-term relationship.

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The Funny Papers

Bruce MacKinnon, Tim Campbell, Ed Hall, Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Steve Breen, Jack Ohman, Liam Simonelli, Marc Murphy, RJ Matson, Ed Wexler, Bill Bramhall, Mike Luckovich,

Snarky Thoughts

Apparently King Charles III has an issue with fountains pens leaking while he signs royal decrees and such. And when he had another incident where a fountain pen expressed its displeasure that Prince Harry was not allowed to wear his military uniform to the Queen’s vigil since he’s not a working royal anymore he really lost it.

My Thought: During a phone call to Camilla Parker Bowles, while he was married to Princess Diana, Prince Charles said he wished he could be a tampon so he could be inside Camilla Parker Bowles all the time, so clearly he knows all things that leak.

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This week GQ published an article about the growing popularity of leg lengthening surgery, claiming that more and more men are getting a “a radical and expensive surgery” that adds three to six inches to their height. Unfortunately, it requires having both of your femurs broken.

My Thoughts: Anyone seen Tiny Tom Cruise lately?

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When "Frasier," the "Cheers" spin-off, was confirmed, former “Cheers” Kirstie Alley called producer David Lee to say she wouldn't be on the show because she didn't believe in psychiatry as a Scientologist.

Lee replied, "I don't recall asking."

My Thought: Big mistake, Kirstie. Huge. Does anyone remember “Veronica’s Closet” or “Fat Actress” starring Alley? Uh huh.

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Is he trying to Out-Madge Madonna? Forty-seven-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio  is rumored to be dating 27-year-old model Gigi Hadid just weeks after breaking up with 25-year-old model Camila Morrone.

My Thought: Is he dating her or adopting her? And maybe he and Madge should share notes, you know, break up a young couple and she gets the boy and he gets the girl.

PS That’s Leo and his Nana, er, his Madonna … just friends because they’re both way too old for each other.

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This brings me joy … it appears Kim Kardastrophe had a rather awkward moment at New York Fashion Week’s Fendi show last Friday. Kimmy, who was seated next to the vile Sarah Jessica “Why The Long Face” Parker, stood and clapped as the show ended. And that’s when Anna Wintour came across the catwalk. Kimmy smiled and reached out her hand and Anna smiled and outstretched her arms … and hugged SJP.

My Thoughts: When I stop laughing I may have a thought on this, though I have a newfound love for Nuclear Wintour.

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Finally, a little talk on racism, and how it hurts all people, no matter your social standing or status in the world.

At one of the [too] many celebrations and viewings of Queen In A Box, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle held hands while leaving Westminster Hall, unlike King Charles III, Queen Consort Camilla, William and Kate Middleton, and some people went off:

“They’re part of the procession. Is it too much to expect them to walk in their line? even the horse could stay in their position for 20+ minutes walk. yet meghan [and] harry couldn’t keep the formation at least until they reach the door?”

Another argued that Markle had “no class,” writing:

“I see Meghan still couldn’t manage the whole service without holding on to Harry.”

Oddly enough, though, Harry and Meghan weren’t the only ones holding hands in the procession. Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara Tindall, and her husband, Mike, were also holding on to each other as they left Westminster and there was nary a word about their PDA.

My Thought: One of these things is not like the other and that’s why vile people spew their venom.

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