I Didn't Say It ....

Stephen Colbert, on Sarah Huckleberry Sanders getting the boot from the Red Hen:

 “What do you mean you treat everybody with respect? You work for Donald _____. You don’t even treat yourself with respect. Denying service to people you disagree with is a slippery slope. Because pretty soon, we would just have liberal-only restaurants and conservative restaurants, and it’ll be a nightmare finding a place where your whole family can eat. Restaurant workers, you don’t have to kick out Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Just treat her the same way she treats her customers. Only take the order of the two people at the table you like. Then tell Sanders, ‘I’m not going to comment on whether or not this dish contains peanuts.’ And then when the food never arrives, just say ‘I haven’t talked to the chef about that yet. So I can’t give you any new information. I’ll be back at 2:45 tomorrow with a completely different menu that you can’t order from.”

I like this line of thought.

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Jeanine Pirro, _____ puppet, on her Fox “News” show, about Huckleberry being denied service and Kirstjen Nielsen being booed from a restaurant:

“Political debate at the very heart of the founding of this country has devolved into political harassment and outright political abuse. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, one of the most of prestigious jobs in Washington, D.C., out to dinner, places her order and is then told to leave by the owner because she works for the president of the United States. Sarah quietly leaves. The Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen this week was literally screamed and heckled out of a restaurant while eating her dinner. _____ supporters are being harassed all across this country by a hysterical left unwilling to accept the decision and the will of the American people who put Donald _____ in office. These unhinged leftists are normalizing outrageous behavior which is only getting worse.”

Actually, Jeanine, you ass, more people voted for anyone but _____ than voted for him, so the will of the people is non-_____.

And people are just exercising their rights to Free Speech by booing Nielsen, and their rights to discriminate and deny service, which is a thing this White House likes.

You snowflakes just don’t like it when it’s aimed at you.

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Orrin Hatch, Republican Senator from Utah, calling for inclusion for LGBTQ youth:

“Mr. President, if there were ever a time to show our LGBT friends just how much we love them, it is now. In a world where millions suffer in silence, we owe it to each other to love loudly. That’s why I am a strong supporter of Utah’s Love Loud Festival, among many other efforts to combat suicide and improve mental health in the LGBT community. These young men and women deserve to feel loved, cared for, and accepted for who they are.  They deserve to know that they belong, and that our society is stronger because of them. Mr. President, ensuring that our LGBT friends feel loved and accepted is not a political issue; we all have a stake in this. We all have family or loved ones who have felt marginalized in one way or another because of gender identity or sexual orientation—and we need to be there for them.”

Oh, that’s so nice, but this is the same Orrin Hatch who voted to confirm Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos, who both have clear records of opposing LGBTQ equality and who have since used their positions to dismantle protections for transgender people.

Hatch is also a co-sponsor of the so-called “First Amendment Defense Act” [FADA], which would create a religious license to discriminate against LGBTQ people. And just last week, he “applauded” the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case.

Words are nice, but his deeds speak volumes.

Siddown.

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Tim Cook, Apple CEO, on inequality and why he came out as gay:

“Many of the problems of the world come down to the lack of equality. It’s the fact that it’s the kid who is born in one ZIP code doesn’t have a good education because he happens to be born in that ZIP code. It’s someone who is maybe in the LGBT community who is fired because of that. It’s someone who has a different religion than the majority and are therefore ostracized in some way. If one day you could wave a wand and everybody would treat each other with dignity and respect, there are many, many problems that would go away with that….I [came out] for a greater purpose. I realized there were a lot of kids out there that were not being treated very well—including in their own families. Kids need someone to say ‘oh, they did okay in life, and they’re gay, so it must not be a life sentence in some kind of way.’ We’re getting these notes… it would tug on my heart even more, and it got to the point, and it got to the point where I thought, I’m making the wrong call, by trying to do something that is comfortable for me, which is to stay private. I needed to do something for the greater good.”

Every coming out is for the greater good because every coming out helps someone else along the path.

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Jimmy Fallon, about _____’s reaction to Fallon’s saying he never should have humanized Hair Furor by tousling his hair:

“As you may have heard, the President of the United States went after me on Twitter. So Melania, if you’re watching, I don’t think your anti-bullying campaign is working. He said I called and said, ‘Monster ratings.’ First of all, I’ve never called this human in my life. I don’t have his number, I don’t want his number. I’ve never said ‘monster ratings.’ I don’t know what he’s talking about. By the way, Donald, I don’t know if you’ve seen my ratings the past two years, you didn’t help my ratings. But, really, thanks a lot. Thanks for nothing.”

Thanks for nothing is right.

Still, Fallon has taken a long time to finally speak out against this regime.

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Jerry Seinfeld, on Roseanne getting fired for her racist mouth:

“I didn’t see why it was necessary to fire her. Why would you murder someone who’s committing suicide? But I never saw someone ruin their entire career with one button push. That was fresh. I think they should get another Roseanne. They brought Dan Conner back, he was dead and they brought him back. So, why can’t we get another Roseanne? There’s other funny women that could do that part. You need to get the comic in there. I hate to see a comic lose a job.”

A comedian didn’t lose her job; a racist did.

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It's Snarkurday!

So … Jesse Eisenberg … big star, right? Okay, maybe after The Social Network, but his last two films, The End of the Tour and American Ultra both tanked at the box office, so, now, maybe not so much. But he’s acting like he’s all that and a bag of chips on the set of the latest Woody Allen project where a source — and it can’t be Lohan because even Woody isn’t low enough to hire her — says he is making life hell for members of the crew:

“Jesse was practicing his lines and a lighting guy dropped a screwdriver and Jesse just lost it. The poor guy wasn’t even anywhere near Jesse, but he flipped out and threatened to have him fired, then mocked the crew guy for his ‘minimum-wage job’. It was bizarre and uncalled for.”

Um, Jesse, you’ve had a few minor successes, one major success, and more bombs than ISIS, so maybe you shouldn’t Christian Bale a crew member. Oh, and when you’re pocketing millions for acting, perhaps picking on a crew member’s salary is also a bad idea.

Just sayin’.

Remember egg-hurling, drag-racing, Sizzurp-guzzling, pissing-in-a-bucket Justin Bieber? And remember how he said he was turning over a new leaf and trying to be less spoiled bratty “singer”? Yeah, again, maybe not so much.

Last week The Biebs walked offstage and quit the show after performing just one song at a concert in Norway. He was scheduled to perform five or six songs for Norwegian TV, in front of an audience of about 950 people, but became visibly upset when some water spilled on the stage.

He tried to be a good boy and clean it up but some of his fans tried to grab him as he did so, and that’s when he said, “I’m done. I’m not doing the show.”

He left the stage and never came back. And so, of course, his people are trying to get him to dial back the diva by having him Instagramapology:

“Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.”

Look, he’s a petulant child who pitched a fit onstage. Try apologizing for that shiz you call music and maybe I’ll believe you. The newest Bieber Apology Tour begins in 5 … 4… 3… 2 …

So, is Lohan getting’ hitched? Well, she has been getting herself photographed a lot over there to London wearing a ring on THAT finger. So, what’s up?

A friend — possibly Dina, while someone was holding her hair as she puked into a solid gold toilet at Harrods — says:

“She has lost her mind. She did it as a joke for her friends and wanted to see what people would do or say.”

Oh Lindsay. I miss the days when you stole fur coats from nightclubs, or committed a jewel heist in California, or walked out of a hotel without paying your bill, or dressed as Liz Taylor for a craptastic Lifetime movie, or pretended to be a serious stage actress, but this?

Somewhere in London a socialite is complaining that the redheaded drunk lady’s room attendant stole her ring.

So, Leah Remini left the Church of $cientology and is now spilling the tea … and a lot of it on Tommy Cruise.

As in the time that big wigs from the Co$ demanded that she head over to the Cruise Compound to teach the little man and his new girlfriend Katie Holmes how to Salsa dance. It reminds me of the time the Pope called me and asked me to hightail it to Mel Gibson’s place and show him how to fold towels, you know, because that’s what churches do.

And she talks about how Tommy won’t save seats for John Travolta and Kirstie Alley at the Co$ meetings because “he doesn’t like them.” Or the time that Tommy was bored, so the church rounded up some “friends’ to take to his house so they could, wait for it, play a rousing game of hide-and-seek.

But the best of all is how Leah says he treats Co$ minions, like the assistant who wasn’t making the cookie dough how Tommy likes it and he shrieked:

“Get in the fucking present time, is what you need to do!”

Apparently Tommy likes his cookies a certain way after a hard game of hide-and-seek.

And Leah claims Tommy went off on another Co$ minion because his tea cup was chipped — and, though she doesn’t say it, I imagine Tommy was wearing a Big Hat and sitting with Alice when he said this:

 “You served me tea in a chipped mug? Do you know who gets served with a mug that’s chipped? Fucking DBs.”

In Co$ a DB is a “Degraded Being,” a derogatory term.

Now, maybe this happened, or maybe it didn’t; maybe Tommy’s a diva gone mad or maybe Leah’s trying to sell books but … Tommy has yet to file a $100 million lawsuit against Remini for her lies so ….

Rumors are running wild that Jimmy Fallon has an ALLEGED drinking problem and the bigwigs at NBC are worried because he keeps hurting himself while drunk.

Last week Fallon was in Cambridge, Massachusetts to receive an award and went out drinking with some of the students. He ended up tripping over a kneeling girl while holding a bottle of Jagermeister which broke and cut his hand open. This was like his third injury requiring a trip to the hospital in four months and so now it is ALLEGED that NBC execs are worried about Fallon’s drinking and “clumsiness” and how the whole thing is getting out of hand.

There was the April 2014 incident at the East Village bar Niagara, where Fallon was ALLEGEDLY involved in a brawl after “Tonight Show” taping; the next night he was out partying at a Chelsea bar, buying vodka shots for everyone.

There was an incident in January when West Village gay bar Marie’s Crisis patrons recorded a very drunk Fallon singing Katy Perry’s “Walking on Air” while crawling on the bar.

And the time in 2009 when a wasted Fallon, the newly named host of “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” played beer pong with the staff at the now-closed Whiskey River until 5:30 AM before taking party upstairs.

Sources at NBC — perhaps Jay Leno looking for a way back in — say Fallon is fine and that NBC is okay with him right now. But what else are they gonna say since he has a contract with the network for the next six years and terminating it could cost NBC millions and millions of dollars.

Speaking of divas, who is a bigger one: Kanye or Jay Z?

Let’s check out the tour riders — those demands that celebrities, artists and performers make if you want to hire them — of the two men:

For his hotel room, Jay Z insists the temperature always be set at 71-degrees; he demands that hotel staff provide three $80 Mayan tuberose-scented candles and that no one ever vacuum near his room and no one ever asks for concert tickets.

On the other hand, for his hotel room, Kanye says all vases must be cylindrical, and says he must have a Genelecs 1031a speaker … which was discontinued a decade ago. He likes his dental floss minty, his cereal Kashi Go Lean and his towels black.

For the booze, Kanye wants a $3200 bar tab, including 3 bottles of Paradis Hennessy, while Jay Z wants some Ace of Spades champagne that he doesn’t not want to, will not ever, pay for, because he owns the company.

And as for the kids, Kanye has no special requests for NorthSouthEastWest, possibly because he doesn’t know who she is, but Jay Z demands the entire hotel suite be childproofed with all corners, sharp edges, and electrical outlets  covered, and statues, lamps, and breakable objects removed; oh, and only organic milk for Blue.

I’m kinda surprised that Kanye — the guy who demanded engraved marble tables and gold toilets for his wedding, isn’t more of a diva … but maybe when Kim tags along with … the baby?

Anyone up for more Bieber? Of course not, but you’re gonna get it anyway.

As Baby Justin Bieber continues his Boy Behaving Badly tour throughout Europe, let’s recall how, in Spain, he walked out of an interview because he didn’t like their questions — sheesh, you’d think it was a Republican debate or something — and then in Norway, as I posted above, he stormed off the stage after some fans kept touching him while he tried to mop up water … and ‘mop up water’ isn’t Bieber-speak for pissing in a bucket, y’all.

And then he appeared on the Spanish TV show El Hormiguero, which means The Ant in English which can also, perhaps mean, The Biebs. As Bieber sang, well, okay, kinda sang, an acoustic version of “What Do You Mean?” he became enraged that his fans were clapping offbeat, and so he decided to stop the show and school them in the art of clapping.

Seriously. He does like to give back.

For weeks now, since The Voice returned with newly divorced Gwen Stefani and newly divorced Blake Shelton, there have been rumors flying that the two judges were doing more than just turning around ion their chairs.

And yet they both had their ‘people’ vehemently deny it.

Until this week, after spending Halloween together where Gwen went as Miranda and Blake did Gavin — and rumor has it Gavin might be into that — and then the duo allowed their reps to tell the world that, yes, the newly divorced couple is now newly fating one another.

Yippee-ki-ay.

And no one is less surprised than Blake’s ex, Miranda Lambert — who has been known to date more than her share of married men — who took the time to throw some blue-jean-bedazzled shade, via a source, AKA Miranda Lambert:

“She was not surprised to hear of the romance between Blake and Gwen. They were always pretty flirty. Miranda and Blake were on the rocks on and off and knew that this could always be a possibility.”

Probably just like Blake knew that Miranda was getting flirty and handsy with roadies and tour guest start like Dierks Bentley.

Fifty-four-year old Eddie Murphy has knocked up his thirty-six year old girlfriend, Paige Butcher, who is now going to give birth to his ninth child.

Let’s look back at Eddie’s fathering …

In 2006 he divorced Nicole Murphy after twenty-two years of marriage and five kids, ranging in age from 13 to 26.

But Eddie also has another twenty-six year old child, a son, Eric, by Paulette McNeely, whom he ALLEGEDLY banged while married to Nicole, and he has another son, this one twenty-five, by Tamara Hood, whom he was ALLEGEDLY banging while married to Nicole and banging Paulette.

And then there’s his daughter, Angel, eight-years old, whose mother is former Spice Girl singer Melanie ‘Mel B’ Brown.

Timing suggests that Nicole divorced Eddie as Mel B got herself knocked up.

Not saying anything except, maybe to remind Paige that Eddie has a habit of taking out Little Eddie and walking him around lady parts … and transvestites.