The Funny Papers

Daniel Boris, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Christopher Shields, Clay Bennett, Frank Mariani, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Pedro X Molina, Nick Anderson, Max Espinoza

Ain't That America XLIII

Here we are with the 43rd edition of Ain’t That America. I never thought it would last this long, but I do feel an end in sight … an end to wars for profit from the “Peace” President … an end to the grift  … to the gold-leafing of America … and end to the goose-stepping GOP … a rise in voting … a rise in Democrats stepping up and speaking up and doing the work of We The People … so let’s go:

Senate Republicans are seeking reassurances from the Regime on guardrails for Cankles $1.8 billion Reparations For Traitors fund to compensate people who attacked the Capitol because they were butt-hurt Cankles lost, was a loser, did not win, failed etc.

Playacting Attorney General, and Cankles’ Bitch, Todd Blanche met with Senate Republicans and it turned into a shriek-fest refused demands that the most violent Capitol rioters be barred from getting payouts.

Yes, he refused demands to pay off the most violent rioters.

 

As a presidential candidate, Cankles painted his opponents as trigger-happy interventionists who would get the US bogged down in forever wars, up to and including World War III.

And since we know every Cankles Accusation Is An Admission™ Cankles has racked up a list of countries he’s both threatened to attack and actually attacked and this week added Oman to the list because he doesn’t know where it is or what to call the people of Oman—seriously he threatened Oman if it tries to control the Strait of Hormuz along with Iran.

Oman is at least the 15th country that he has either threatened to attack, left open the possibility of attacking, or actually attacked during his two terms as Draft-Dodging-Warmonger-In-Chief.

 

Not for the first time, clearly suffering from dementia or being the dumbest human in the world, Cankles once again confused Iran with Venezuela again:

“I don’t go into war, I go into conflict… Despite the conflict with Venezuela who no longer has a navy, no longer has an air force, no longer has a lot of people that were leading the country into very bad places. Their leadership is gone. Their second is gone. We’re dealing with half of their third as half of their third is gone too.”

Demented and stupid.

Vice President JD CouchFucker Vance was mocked by, well, nearly everyone in the world, when he said during a speech on the economy:

“If you want to rebuild the American Dream for the next generation, vote against the crazy leadership in Washington, D.C.”

Finally the truth from someone in the regime.

 

The day the “Freedom 250” concert series was announced, rapper Young MC announced he was backing out of the government-sponsored partisan festival taking place on the National Lawn in Washington, D.C.. His exit followed Morris Day‘s statement that he and the Time didn’t have the, um, er, time to perform either.

Meanwhile, C+C Music Factory frontman Freedom Williams posted a profanity-laced message in saying they would also back out of the show after learning about Cankles Trump involvement but then he backtracked and said C+C Music Factory might go ahead with the gig after all, to show he was impervious to the backlash and because no one knows who C+C Music Factory is and they need the coins.

Last week Bret Michaels and Martina McBride withdrew from the line-up leaving just C+C Music Factory, Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli’s Fab Morvan,  Flo Rida and Kid Rock.

Sounds like a Who’s Who of Who’s That?

PS You cannot make this shiz up, but after so many people backed out of The Cankles Shit Show™ Cankles himself has announced he will headline the event.

 

Cankles is once again bragging about the latest rounds of tests he’s undergone at Walter Reed Military Medical Center:

“Unlike other U.S. Presidents, none of whom have ever taken an approved, high difficulty, Cognitive Test, I scored a perfect 30 out of 30, considered ‘extreme intelligence’ … In fact, this is my fourth such test, all PERFECT or, 120 correct answers out of 120 questions asked! It is very rare that anyone gets a Perfect Score, especially when achieved four times in a row.”

It’s also rare that anyone needs to take four cognitive tests in one year unless there’s something wrong … like they’re a demented fuckwit, perhaps?

Utah GOP Senator and Certified Lunatic™ Mike Lee left critics dumbfounded after posting on X that James Talarico, the Democratic nominee for Senate from Texas, would engage in religious child sacrifice:

“James Talarico will put you first… On the altar to Moloch.”

A reference to the ancient figure of Moloch mentioned in the Hebrew Bible and associated with child sacrifice.

Seriously.

 

South Carolina Senator and the reigning Miss Corn Hole, Lindsey Graham, one of the biggest war hawks in Congress, stopped by Fox News’ Hannity to discuss Cankles’ vow that any agreement to end the war should include a requirement for Middle Eastern countries—including Saudi Arabia and Qatar—to join the Abraham Accords, a treaty Cankles helped broker during his first term to normalize relations between Arab countries and Israel:

“If he can pull this off, if he can get Saudi Arabia—the center of Islam for the entire world—to recognize the Jewish state of Israel, he will have ended the Arab-Israeli conflict that’s been going on for thousands of years. They should change the Nobel Prize to the [Cankles] Prize.”

I believe he went on to also say they should redesign the Peace Prize to look like Cankles’ anus so Miss Lindsey could come by the White House and kiss it every day.

 

In an April 11 Truth Social post, Cankles wrote:

“The United States has completely destroyed Iran’s Military, including their entire Navy and Air Force, and everything else. Their Leadership is DEAD!”

This week he claimed:

“Their Navy is totally gone ... Their Air Force is totally gone ... Their military, we’ve sort of left it alone—because we think that their military is somewhat moderate. They have other people that aren’t moderate. We’ve taken them out. We’ve taking different forms of leadership out. We’ve actually left their military alone. People would be surprised to hear that. Because mistakes have been made in wars where you wipe out everybody and then you have a country that for 40 years can never rebuild.”

Again, the dementia is real.

James Talarico, the Democratic nominee for US Senate in Texas, raised more than $3 million in the first 24 hours after Texas AG and Criminal Ken Paxton emerged as his Republican opponent:

“Texans are uniting behind our campaign to defeat (Paxton) and the broken, corrupt political system he embodies.”

Good work Texas, now get out there and Vote Blue.

 

Gavin Newsom vowed to tax any payouts that California residents receive from that $1.8 billion Reparations For Traitors fund that Cankles created:

“Anyone from California that receives any of those funds, we want to tax 100% of those proceeds.”

Newsom’s pledge mirrors legislation unveiled in New York by Democrat Alex Bores, state assembly member and House candidate, that would also assess a 100% tax against payouts from the fund.

 

Last week US District Judge Christopher Cooper ordered that Cankles name be scraped off the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and granted Democrat Representative Joyce Beatty’s request for a preliminary injunction to block Cankles from closing the institution.

The judge ordered Kennedy Center officials to scrape off Cankles’ name within two weeks.

Former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is leading in new polling on a hypothetical Democratic presidential primary. A new Emerson College Polling survey puts Buttigieg at the top of the pack with 18% followed by California Governor Gavin Newsom at 165; AOC has 11% support, while Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro and former Vice President Kamala Harris are at 10% each.

 Sure it’s early but it’s already an impressive field compared to alleged GOP choices JD "CouchFucker" Vance and Marco "Where Am I" Rubio.

The No Kings Movement has announced a nationwide event for June 14 directly counter-programming Cankles Dementia celebrations and a Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) bout on the south lawn of the newly named White Trash House.

The centerpiece is a 90-minute concert at New York’s Town Hall featuring entertainer Bette Midler, songwriter Patti Smith, actor Jane Fonda, musician Rufus Wainwright and commentator Joy Reid – streaming free nationwide, while local groups host watch parties across the country.

The event is co-presented by the Committee for the First Amendment, a coalition of artists and cultural figures, and frames the US’s 250th anniversary as a moment of democratic reckoning. 

Get out and march and resist and cast a goddamned vote.

The Funny Papers

Ed Wexler, Chris Britt, Jonathan Brown, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Jon Ostrove, David Horsey, Mike Luckovich, Dennis Goris, Dave Whamond, Tim Campbell,  Benjamin Slyngstad, Gary Huck, Clay Bennett

Ain't That America XXII

Another week down, and we’re watching our elected officials, mostly those on the so-called Right, holding parties while the government is shutdown, flying free on the taxpayers while the government is shut down, and basically acting like self-entitled brats while hundreds of thousands of people go without income and food and health benefits … but there are a few bright spots, so let’s go …

One month into the shutdown, where thousands of Americans are going without pay, where thousands are going without food, Cankles flew to Mar-Illegal where he threw a $3.4 million Great Gatsby themed Halloween party.

This is the 13^th time he’s flown to his Florida lair and used $60 million in YOUR tax dollars to do so. And when Cankles was asked about the 700,000 federal workers going without pay he blamed the Democrats.

The GOP controls the White House, the Senate, the House and SCOTUS but the Democrats are behind the shutdown.

Nancy Mace, the South Carolina GOP congresswoman  and transphobic loon threw a hissy fit against law enforcement at Charleston International Airport . Officers with the Charleston County Aviation Authority Police Department were tasked with meeting Mace at 6:30 AM to escort her from the curb to her flight and had been told that she would be arriving in a white BMW; at 6:35 they were told she was running late but they say they never saw the car arrive.

Shortly before 7 am, officers learned Mace was at the entrance for the Known Crewmember program—an access lane with a smaller checkpoint overseen by the TSA and intended for flight crew members. When officers located her, Mace began “loudly cursing and making derogatory comments to us about the department … calling them ‘fucking incompetent,’ and ‘this is no way to treat a fucking US Representative’” and claimed they “would never treat Tim Scott like this.” The entire walk to gate B-8 she was cursing and complaining and often doing the same into her phone and continuing to do so until she finally boarded the aircraft.

After Mace’s flight took off, the report states, an American Airlines gate agent approached the officers And “stated he was in disbelief regarding her behavior. He implied that a US Representative should not be acting the way she was.” A TSA supervisor told the officers “he was very upset with how she acted at the checkpoint” and said Mace had “talked to several TSA agents the same way” and that they would be “submitting a report to his superiors about her unacceptable behavior.”

TSA agents are not currently being fully paid, due to the ongoing government shutdown and Nancy Mace, a self-entitled, bigoted, MAGAt fool treats them like they’re her servants.

Kash Patel gets caught red-handed "grifting off the American public" by abusing a $60 million FBI jet and taxpayer money for a wrestling date night with his much younger girlfriend.

According to FBI whistleblower Kyle Seraphin the public flight logs for Patel’s plane—identified as N708JH—show that it landed at Pennsylvania’s State College Airport on October 25th at 5:40 PM. That’s the same day that the 45-year-old Patel's 26-year-old “girlfriend” Alexis Wilkins performed as a country music singer at the Real American Freestyle pro-wrestling event at Penn State.

It would have been bad enough if Patel had used the plane  on the public dime to watch his girlfriend perform, but the logs also show that his jet left the Penn State airport at 8:03 PM and then landed in Nashville soon after … where Wilkins lives.

Again, in the middle of a shutdown, the GOP is treating government workers like peasants and living the high life.

The Cankles Regime is moving to undercut state-level efforts to wipe medical debt from Americans’ credit reports, just as millions across the country are facing massive healthcare premium increases stemming from congressional Republicans’ refusal to extend Affordable Care Act subsidies.

Punishing the people is the GOP way.

So much for begging for a Peace Prize … Israeli strikes killed at least 100 people across Gaza last week in what appeared to be the deadliest day since a cease-fire was agreed between Israel and Hamas three weeks ago.

Color me confused, but doesn’t “cease-fire” mean you cease firing?

Cankles told a hangar full of American military personnel to go and buy Japanese cars:

“They’re going to be putting auto plants all over the United States to the tune of $10 billion. So that’s Toyota, so go out and buy a Toyota.” 

Make America First by buying a Japanese car.

A social media video post by Bobbie Coleman, chairperson of the Hardin County Kentucky Republican Party depicted President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama as apes dancing to a song from Disney’s “The Lion King” and depicted other Democrats as animals and Cankles as a lion.

It was instantly condemned as “vile and reprehensible” by state GOP Chairman Robert Benvenuti  who wants an investigation and promised the “harshest action available to us” against those involved and so Little Bobbie Racist issued what she considers an apology:

“I apologize for sharing the video and for amplifying offensive imagery of former President Obama. As someone who does not engage in racist tropes—”

And we’ll stop … Little Bobbie Racist doesn’t engage in racist tropes but simply reposts them. Now let’s go back:

“—I did not consider the underlying meaning that this video may have had—”

And we’ll stop … Little Bobbie Racist want’s y’all to believe that she had no idea that posting a video showing Black people as apes was racist. Let’s finish up:

“—I am not racist and any suggestion to the contrary does not reflect my values or character.”

Oh Bobbie, Little Bobbie Racist, you are a racist because a person who wasn’t racist wouldn’t post this garbage and then probably share it with all your friends in the Klan so you could get a big chuckle.

Listen up, America, this is the second time in as many weeks when members of the GOP have shown themselves to be racists and Nazis … when someone shows you who they are, believe them: Bobbie Coleman is a racist.

The Pentagon has rolled out a new policy that will severely undercut the ability for transgender troops who have been banned from the armed forces by the Cankles Regime to turn to boards of their peers to argue for their right to stay in the military. If military separation boards decide to allow transgender service members to remain in uniform, commanders can override that decision.

This new program, under DUI Hire, Paranoid Pete Hegseth, breaks with longstanding policy that boards act independently.

It is the Pentagon’s latest step to drive transgender troops out of the armed forces following an executive order from Cankles.

Texas Democrat Congressman James Talarico has a little something to say about the GOP focusing on transgender Americans:

“Muslims are 1%. Trans people are 1%. The folks you’re afraid of? They’re 1% [of the population] but there’s another 1%—the 1% that owns nearly half the wealth in this country. And they’ve taught us to fear the wrong 1%.”

Talarico asked Americans to stop scapegoating marginalized communities, and challenged us to look up, not sideways, for the source of their struggle:

“There is no left and right. There’s only top and bottom.”

Working people have far more in common with each other than with the billionaires driving inequality and in this time of rising costs and shrinking opportunity, is his speech reminds us that the real fight isn’t about identity—Muslim, trans, immigrant—but it’s about power.

And We The People can take back the power.

Cankles latest HGTV renovation project was a marble and gold update to the White House’s Lincoln bathroom but California Democrat Gover Gavin Newsom trolled Cankles by sharing an AI-generated image of Cankles echoing Marie Antoinette:

“WOW!! THE QUEEN HAS A NEW BATHROOM.”

And then also added:

“(Americans lose food benefits tomorrow).”

Once again, as Americans suffer, as government workers lose their income and their jobs, this is how the GOP responds.

In a stunning, and bipartisan, rebuke, more than 100 federal judges—including a dozen appointed by Cankles himself—have slammed the Fascist Regime’s new immigration policy that effectively orders ICE to jail everyone facing deportation, regardless of how long they’ve lived in the U.S. or whether they’ve ever committed a crime. This “mandatory detention” order overturned 30 years of established law and practice, stripping immigrants of their basic right to even ask for release on bond while awaiting a hearing.

Now, judges across the country are saying enough is enough and 100 judges, appointed by Ronald Regan and every president since, have, as Cankles’ appointee U.S. District Judge Kyle Dudek, said:

“Courts around the country have rejected the government’s new interpretation. This Court now joins the consensus.”

The Resistance at work.

U.S. District Judge Susan Illston in San Francisco has indefinitely barred the Cankle’s Administration from firing federal employees during the government shutdown.

Illston granted a preliminary injunction that bars the firings while a lawsuit challenging them plays out. She had previously issued a temporary restraining order against the job cuts that were set to expire Wednesday.

Illston, nominated by Democratic President Bill Clinton, has said she believes the evidence will ultimately show the mass firings were illegal and in excess of authority.

Of the hundreds of towns that crowd Florida’s coastline bordering the broad blue sea between America and Mexico, only one has a street named Gulf of Mexico Drive. For 68 years, the main road through the small island town of Longboat Key on Florida’s Gulf Coast has used that name … GMD to the locals.

And despite the preferences of Cankles and Florida Governor Gogo Boots, the locals want to keep it that way. After hearing from hundreds of residents who objected to changing the name of the 10-mile-long road to Gulf of America Drive, Longboat Key town commissioners voted to keep the name as is.

Longboat Key is an affluent town and the median age is 71; it’s also conservative, with nearly twice as many registered Republicans as Democrats. But town leaders said 83% of the residents oppose the name change.

Bipartisan Resistance.

An Arkansas  federal court issued a temporary restraining order blocking Lakeside School District No. 9 from displaying the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms. This marks the third time the court has blocked school districts from implementing Arkansas’ Act 573, the law requiring schools to post a government-chosen version of the Ten Commandments.

Arkansas schools are ranked in the bottom half of the U.S., with recent reports placing the state around 34th to 45th overall but this is the stand they take.

Don’t educate your children, indoctrinate them.

José Andrés’ World Central Kitchen [WCK] is known for feeding people amid war, hurricanes, and other disasters but now the DC-based group will take its mission closer to home to provide warm meals for furloughed federal employees on day 27 of the government shutdown.

Free lunch from Lebanese Taverna and 2Fifty BBQ, both members of the WCK Chef Corps, will be available at Canal Park in Navy Yard from 11 AM to 2 PM and WCK will continue feeding federal workers throughout the shutdown.

The government is throwing parties at Mar-Illegal or flying their “girlfriend” home from date night or acting like self-indulgent toddlers at airports while Americans are stepping up to help Americans.

Read on …

Dozens of Democratic attorneys general and governors are planning to sue the Cankles’ Regime over its decision to not tap emergency funds amid the government shutdown to keep food aid flowing to 42 million Americans.

Cankles officials say they cannot legally tap a $5 billion contingency fund for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program [SNAP] amid the shutdown to pay benefits in November.

So they opt to let people go hungry.

Nearly nine months after Cankles became chair of the Kennedy Center and more than a month into its main season, ticket sales for the center’s three largest performance venues are the worst they’ve been in years, with tens of thousands of seats have been left empty.

Since early September, 43% of tickets remained unsold for a typical production, meaning that, at most, 57% of tickets were sold—though some tickets may have been “comps.”

That compares with 93% sold or comped in fall 2024 and 80% in fall 2023.

USDA Sec. Brooke  Rollins, at a press conference with Little Johnson called SNAP “an extremely corrupt program” until this administration and Cankles’ focus on making sure every taxpayer dollar is spent appropriately.

Like for Kash Patel to have a date night? That spending is okay?

Vice President JD CouchFucker Vance was on The New York Post’s Pod Force One podcast with host Miranda Devine and discussed the controversy involving Twitch streamer Hasan Piker whose followers spotted his dog wearing an electronic training collar in a video and accused him of using it to administer corrective shocks to the animal. CouchFucker said:

“If you can actually cause suffering to an innocent animal, you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t worry about suffering in people as well and that’s been my experience. If you mistreat dogs, that’s a 100 percent sign that you’re gonna be a really terrible person.”

Um, JD? Remember Kristi Noem shooting a dog because she didn’t like it? You seem okay with that.

CNN’s Jake Tapper was interviewing James Comer, GOP Congressman from Kentucky, about Cankles and his family raking in millions from crypto ventures and Comer said the quiet part out loud:

“Well, it’s something that we are, like you, reading about this. We’re trying to digest it. The difference between the way the [Cankles] family operates and the Biden family is they’re admitting they’re doing this.”

Admitting they are grifters.

When Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth visits South Korea this week, he will face off against one of the most dangerous enemies to military readiness: Facial hair. Service members with shaving waivers are not allowed to attend the event with Hegseth, which will be held at Camp Humphreys, because apparently Pete can’t grow facial hair and will feel less manly?

I don’t know, I just can’t figure out why DUI hire, Paranoid Pete fears facial hair.

NASA Acting Administrator Sean Duffy, who head is apparently permanently lodged inside the large anal cavity of Cankles, attempted to give credit for Japan’s successful HTV-X1 cargo spacecraft launch to Cankles by calling the launch  “a milestone to advance [Cankles'] vision.”

Of note to Duffy, who should pull his head out, the mission was a wholly Japanese operation by JAXA, launched from Tanegashima aboard an H-3 rocket to deliver supplies to the International Space Station.

Duffy is perfect for Cankles.

Speaking of Cankles and Japan, he told US troops in Japan that water ruins magnets:

“You know, the new thing is magnets. So instead of using hydraulic that can be hit by lightning and it’s fine. You take a little glass of water, you drop it on magnets, I don’t know what’s going to happen. So, you know, the elevators come up in the new carriers—I think I’m going to change it, by the way—they have magnets. Every tractor has hydraulic, every excavator, every excavating machine of any kind has hydraulic. But somebody decided to use magnets. I’m going to sign an executive order. When we build aircraft carriers, it’s steam for the catapults and it’s hydraulic for the elevators. We’ll never have a problem. Everybody agrees. But, ahh, these people in Washington.”

Goddess, what a dumb fuck.

Don’t be like that … do this ….