The Funny Papers

David Fitzsimmons, Steve Benson, Jack Ohman, Bill Day, Randall Enos, Adam Zyglis, Michael de Adder, David Horsey, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Jim Morin, Darrin Bell

Silence Can Be Golden

Facing hard times, David’s family’s 80 acres of land was sold to a distant relative, and suddenly what they had spent decades building was gone. For years, David dreamed of getting that land back and rebuilding the family business.

And then the land appeared at auction, and David and his father decided to do their best to collect whatever monies they could to get it back. They spent weeks and weeks trying to earn the money to reclaim their land, and when the day of the auction arrived, they were saddened to see some 200 other farmers gathered to bid on the land.

All that work and it looked like they had no chance. When the auctioneer announced David’s family’s land, they placed their bid and waited to see what happened.

Silence. The entire room went quiet. David didn’t understand what was going on and even the auctioneer was shocked; he tried to solicit other bids, but was met with silence. He called a break, and then reconvened the auction once, twice, three more times and still not a single farmer other than David and his father bid on the land. The auctioneer had no choice but to accept David’s bid, and suddenly he and his father had their farm back.

Two hundred other farmers, who could have used that land, and could have probably outbid David, stayed silent so the family farm could go back to its first family.

Miracles do happen; good people do exist; the right things can get done.

Lesson learned.

Real Farmacy

The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, Michael de Adder, David Fitzsimmons, Joe Heller, Drew Sheneman, Darrin Bell, Mike Luckovich, David Horsey, Jim Morin

Bobservations

One morning I saw an online survey about refinancing your mortgage through the HARP program and thought I’d see what we might be able to save. I filled out the questionnaire, and then it began asking for my name, phone, email, address, etc., all the while saying I would never be contacted.

Well, the autofill on the computer started with Carlos’ name and no sooner that I had hit the enter button to find my savings, did the phone start ringing from Quicken Loans. I ignored the first four calls, but on the fifth, I politely told the caller that Carlos wasn’t home, and we weren’t interested in talking refinance right then, but that it was something we would look into.

Cut to the evening when we get home from work and there are messages and messages from Quicken Loans and evidence of 8-10 calls from them during the day. Right after dinner, the phone rang, and, yes, Quicken Loans. Carlos took the call and, well, let’s just say he was like Ricky Ricardo ripping Lucy a new one for one of her hairbrained schemes.

It.Was.Magical.

Yes, there are Hot Men coming, but I thought I’d start with a Hot Man … Craig Melvin recently stepped down as Saturday anchor of NBC’s Today because, rumor has it … I love that song … he is being groomed to join Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb as an anchor on the weekday Today show.

Um, if you need help ‘grooming’ him, I have some vacation time coming …

This week in GOP Asshattery … Rodney Garcia, the GOP candidate for Montana’s 52nd State House District, has repeatedly misgendered Democratic primary winner Amelia Marquez, a Latina transgender woman; Garcia has repeatedly referred to Marquez by her birth name, claiming—in his own words—that he did so as a display of “respect and courtesy.”’

It’s funny, and sick and sad, because the GOP knows nothing about respect and courtesy.

I am not a fan of Sia, but after reading this, I do like her for this.

Back in 2015, Sia was the musical guest on SNL and the host was one Donald ____. Sia says she ran into ____ and his work wife Ivanka, on the way to her dressing room after her performance, and ____asked:

“We’ve got to get a photo!”

And she replied”

“Actually, do you mind if we don’t? I have a lot of queer and Mexican fans, and I don’t want them to think that I support your views.”

Of course, you know he left and had a hissy fit until Ivanka could put him down for the night.

Or called a porn star to bang him.

I know you may not believe me, but these are a thing … Cowboy Sandals. What the well-dressed redneck is wearing to the hoe-down.

Reacting to the recent avalanche of reports of pedophile priests raping children and running rampant and unchecked through the Catholic Church, newly minted Mexican Cardinal Sergio Obeso Rivera has suggested that victims who accuse priests should be “ashamed” because they too have skeletons in their own closets.

Yup, it’s victim blaming time in the Church.

Dino Sajudin, the former _____ Tower doorman, has been released from his non-disclosure agreement and is now free to talks about the child _____ fathered with his housekeeper.

Wouldn’t it be fabulous if the housekeeper was an undocumented immigrant?

Asking for a country …

Fiscal Conservative Republican Alert!

The Department of Agriculture is going to pay $4.7 billion to farmers growing soybeans, cotton and other products that were hit by _____’s tariffs.

Making America Great? Or having taxpayers pay farmers because you’re a tiny little man with a tiny little orange dick?

Betty Shelby used to be a police officer in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but left in 2016 after she was acquitted of manslaughter for shooting an unarmed black man to death.

Cuz, she’s white …and he was black. Recently, Shelby returned to Tulsa, albeit working for a sheriff’s office in a nearby county, with a new job, and it’s a doozy.

She will be teaching a course on helping police officers "survive" the aftermath of controversial shootings such as the one in which she was involved … shooting an unarmed man to death.

Yes, because it’s all about the police officers and what they go through when they murder black Americans … for being black.

In better gun news … California has just passed new Gun Control bills that are expected to be signed by the Governor which include a lifetime ban on owning firearms for people convicted of domestic violence.

Take that first step, California, and lead the way.

Oh gosh darn … former Alaska Governor, the Half-Term Quitter, AKA Mama Grizzly Bore™, has not been invited to attend funeral services for John McCain. A source within that family, it was probably Blister, said that “out of respect to Senator McCain and his family we have nothing to add at this point.”

Look, we all know she wasn’t invited because she’d roll up to the funeral in some bumpersticker-plastered Winnebago, with a BBQ grill strapped to the top, a dune buggy being towed behind, and come out wearing her fancy going-to-dinner black overalls slurping a Big Gulp, surrounded by that brood of miscreants and white trash.

Or …. The McCain’s don’t like her. Yeah, that’s it.

Don't forget ...that s ALLEGEDLY the President of the United States, pouting in the Oval Office because reporters are asking about John McCain.

A grown-assed man. Seriously,. Ivanka, put him down for his nap.

This week’s Hot Men are old school …because I caught them both in old movies.

First up, Montgomery Clift, the closeted gay actor, and hottie, who I saw recently in A Place In The Sun. Damn, he was fine.

And then I saw The Godfather again and was taken by how hot Al Pacino … young Al Pacino …was; he could make me an offer any time.

Just sayin’.

Tuesday Thought #1