Bobservations

By the time you read this, Carlos and I might have decided to go our separate because of his insistence on ….

Wanting.A.Cowboy.Shirt.

Seriously. I can’t with this. I’m already thinking of ways to keep him from leaving the house dressed like a gay Gabby Hayes.

Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani and his wife of 15 years, Judith, are divorcing; Judith filed for a contested divorce which means there will be a fight over the coins.

Giuliani fell for Judith back in 1999 while he was mayor and still married to his second wife, Donna Hanover. The Hanover-Giuliani divorce was a vicious hot mess, hut, to be clear, Donna Hanover had met and begun an affair with Giuliani while he was still married to his first wife, so his cheating couldn’t have been a surprise. Still, you might remember that Giuliani announced his plan to divorce second wife Donna Hanover at a televised press conference held before she had been told herself.

The best part is that Rudy Giuliani had come out strongly against marriage equality when then-Governor David Paterson proposed a same-sex marriage bill.

The second-best part is that Giuliani got an annulment from his first wife—so he could marry his mistress Hanover—claiming he and the first ex-missus Giuliani were cousins,

One man and his cousin, and then his mistress, and then his other mistress and then … ?

Justin Jones, a Libertarian running for an Arkansas House seat, thinks “fags are disgusting.” 

And he clearly is a moron because he expressed that opinion on the Facebook post of Hawaii resident Myah Baeza who was offering sympathy for a gay friend who couldn’t donate blood because of discriminatory laws. And when Baeza saw his response and called him out for his bigotry and homophobia, Justin ‘Dumbass’ Jones replied:

“If you don’t think HIV is created by homosexuality then you need education. That’s the entirety of my post, for someone who wants free speech, you don’t act like it. I shouldn’t have said ‘f–s’ should have said homosexuals. But I won’t apologize of the moral of my comment, homosexuality is wrong, and shouldn’t be publicly endorsed.”

Naturally when his local station in BumFuckEgypt, Arkansas found the story and reported on it, Justin ‘Dumbass’ Jones walked back his ignorance, a little:

“I recently made a comment that was meant to be satire, but had FACTUAL meaning. In the new day of Social Media, we face backlash for every comment we make, which is putting ‘Free Speech’ at a price. The Aids Epidemic is a VERY big part of the LGBTQ Community. To not recognize that would be a ‘Lie’ to yourself and the LGBTQ Community. In this New Day of politics, we are recognizing the benefits of throwing away the old establishment, and how that didn’t work. Today, we are bringing back ‘FREEDOM OF SPEECH,’ and protecting our 2nd amendment rights. That might be too much for some people, but that’s why we’re getting them out of Public Office.”

Meant to be satire? Oh, honey, you don’t know satire. And you also don’t know that HIV/AIDS is on the rise among straight folks, too, especially those in the black community and those in rural areas …. Like Arkansas.

Hope you don’t get elected, you moronic tool.

I just can’t …the other day GMA told the story of the boy who fell into a sewage pipe over the weekend at Griffith Park and was finally rescued after some twelve hours in the ground.

Nothing to see there, except the “News” people called it an Easter miracle.

Really; so, if he’d been rescued on Tuesday it wouldn’t have been a miracle. 

Give me the news and keep your religious leanings out of the story. That would be the real miracle.

Columbus, Indiana, the hometown of Closeted Homosexual, and Current Vice President, Mike Pence is set to hold its first ever gay pride celebration, in a move intended to show the rest of the country that not everyone from Columbus is an anti-gay closeted homosexual.

Poor Mike Pence, The Gays are marching in his own hometown and he can’t be there?

While those on the right seem content with bashing the younger generation because they’ve become politically and socially active and vocal, it appears that the right just might need to tone it down.

See, most younger Americans oppose _____’s agenda and even believe the Fat Bastard to be “racist,” “dishonest,” and “unfit” to be president.

The midterms are coming up and those eighteen-year-olds will be voting. And I’m loving it.

I gave my opinion of the Roseanne reboot yesterday but forgot to mention two of the unfunniest things I’ve ever seen on a TV comedy:

1] Roseanne’s granddaughter calling her a “stupid old hillbilly.”

That’s funny stuff, but then …

B] Roseanne grabs her granddaughter, shoves her face into the sink and sprays her with water.

Funny. Not.

Ryan Murphy has cast legendary star Joan Collins in American Horror Story, and said he is interested in casting Angelica Huston.

Little is known about the upcoming eighth season—Ryan has not yet revealed the theme—but three of the series’ favorite cast members, Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters, will be back.

But, um, Joan Collins? I mean, she was allegedly such a terror back in the day on her last TV show, could this be American Horror Story: Dynasty?

Speaking of _____, his 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale, is calling for Jim Acosta to be stripped of his press credentials after the CNN correspondent questioned the Fat Bastard during the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday.

Parscale seems to think Acosta … wait for it … it’s precious … “yelled at _____” during the event and so Acosta should be suspended for breaking protocol.”

This is what happened:

Acosta: “Should the DACA kids worry?”

The Fat Bastard: “The Democrats have really let them down. They really let them down. It’s a shame. A lot of people have taken advantage of DACA. It’s a shame.”

Acosta: “[But} didn’t you kill DACA?”

The Fat Bastard didn’t respond, because he, in fact, did kill DACA and that’s why Parscale wants him banned.

Seriously. He “yelled” at _____!

A new show appeared this week on ABC and is being pushed as a kind of a new Lost. Now, having loved Lost—don’t judge—I was interested, especially when I noted that Grant Harvey and Ryan McDonnell were on the show.

I could get lost with them.

Just sayin’.

More Bitchy and Catty ... Goddess Knows I Love Bitchy and Catty

Bette Davis on Joan Crawford:

“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why [Joan Crawford] always plays ladies.”

“The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

“[Crawford] has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”

“[on the death of Joan Crawford] You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

Whitney Houston on Madonna: 

"She's the high priestess of tack"

Joan Crawford

“[In The Women] Norma Shearer made me change my costume sixteen times because every one was prettier than hers. I love to play bitches, and she helped me in this part.”

“I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.”

“I am just too much.”

 “Nobody can imitate me. You can always see impersonations of Katharine Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. But not me. Because I’ve always drawn on myself only.”

On Marilyn Monroe:

“It was the most shocking display of bad taste I have ever seen. Look, there’s nothing wrong with my tits, but I don’t go around throwing them in people’s faces.”

On Liz Taylor:

“She is a spoiled, indulgent girl, a blemish on public decency.”

On Bette Davis in The Star:

“Of course I had heard she was supposed to be playing me, but I didn’t believe it. Did you see the picture? It couldn’t possibly be me. Bette looked so old, and so dreadfully overweight.” 

Sterling Hayden on Joan Crawford:

“There’s is not enough money in Hollywood to lure me into making another picture with Joan Crawford. And I like money.”

Vivian Leigh on Bette Davis after Leigh turned down a role in Hush … Hush Sweet Charlotte:

“I could just stand the thought of facing Joan Crawford at seven in the morning, but I couldn’t stand the thought of facing Bette Davis at that or any hour.”

Carole Lombard on Vivien Leigh:

“That f–king English bitch.”

Naomi Campbell to Tyra Banks: 

"You'll never be me. Don't ever think you'll be me"

Joan Collins on Linda Evans: 

"It's quite off putting to have to look at that face"

Tallulah Bankhead

“Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know — I’ve been using it for years.”

“Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.”

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.”

“I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me.”

“I’m as pure as the driven slush.”

“I’m the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.”

 “It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.”

“I’ve had a man and I’ve had a woman, and there’s got to be something better.”

“My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.”

“Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.”

“Say anything about me, darling, as long as it isn’t boring.”

“The less I behave like Whistler’s mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.”

“The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”

“There’s less here than meets the eye.”

“They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.”

Random Musings

It’s been a while since I’ve Randomly Mused — darn those pesky holidays — but I do have something to say, first and foremost about a show past its prime or relevance and about a hottie on that show …

Marshall Williams, an actor, model and contestant on Canadian Idol — and let’s not discuss the lack of relevance of America Idol — is joining the cast of Glee for its final … thank the goddess …season, playing Spencer, a foot ball star and stud and gay man.

But producers are quick to point out that Spencer is a “post-Glee gay — no one messes with him about his sexuality because he will kick their asses if they do.”

But do they mess around with him in, um, other ways?

Asking for a friend …

Speaking of gay, the oh-so-not-gay Congressman Aaron Schock Tweeted this vacation snapshot.

That’s all.

While watching the tube the other night an ad for Selma, the new picture about MLK and the Civil Rights Movement came on. I mentioned to Carlos that I wanted to see it and he said, “Selma? Selma Hayek?”

I said, “Yes, Selma Hayek, noted Civil Rights activist from the 1960s.”

Carlos gets a pass because he was not raised in this country and therefore never learned about Selma, but still, I almost choked from laughter.

Plus, it’s Salma Hayek, I reminded him.

Over there to England, Sir Elton John married David Furnish, his partner of 21 years, over the hols — that’s what they call holidays in Britain and I’m feeling a little Madonna so I’m’a fake a Brit accent, too.

But, sad to say, things need to change in the UK because had Sir Elton married a woman she would be Lady John, but David, as a an … gasp … is given no such title.

C’mon, England, make David a Sir.

Earlier this week, virulently homophobic former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell was sentenced to two years in prison after being convicted of corruption. Wait? A corrupt politician? Say it ain’t so!

McDonnell, after being sentenced, addressed the court:

"I stand before you as a heartbroken and humbled man.”

Not so fast, you more of a busted man, a criminal man, but he also said he will dedicate the rest of his life “newly to service.”

Hopefully in the prison laundry.

No starch please.

Since marriage equality finally came to Florida, it wasn’t such a shock that Tampa Bay Times named Florida’s Attorney General Pam Bondi its "Loser Of 2014":

“It's hard to imagine how someone who won re-election so handily (rival George Sheldon could not afford a single TV ad) could emerge from 2014 more wounded and diminished as our Republican attorney general … Bondi's clumsy communication skills and relentless defense of Florida's gay marriage ban have made her a modern-day Anita Bryant. Antagonizing Florida's gay voters over same-sex marriage and Hispanic voters over immigration reform ensures Bondi has a bright political future ahead of her — if she moves to Mississippi.”

C’mon, don’t do that to Mississippi!

Wait, so David Furnish can’t be a ‘Sir’ but Joan Collins gets to be a ‘Dame’?

The diva of Dynasty was made the female equivalent of a knight in Queen Elizabeth II's annual New Year's honors list. She was recognized for her services to nonprofit groups helping children.

Sadly, right after the awards, Krystle Carrington appeared out of nowhere and shoved Joan into a pool.

More Carlos? M’kay.

He has the habit of not wanting to use the last of anything. He’s been known to ring a deodorant stick dry rather than open a new one; he’s been known to make dinner, and then dig out a piece of Tupperware to save … literally … a teaspoon of rice for the next day.

But this is about toilet paper. We recently had a houseguest at Casa Bob y Carlos and Carlos was cleaning the guest bathroom when he saw that the toilet paper in that bath was down to its last two or three sheets. He replaced the roll with a new one, but brought the nearly unused roll into the master bathroom for us … or me … to, er, polish off. Well, I decided to test Carlos and so I refused to use it and instead used a new roll.

That nearly-done roll sat in out bathroom for over a week until Carlos finally broke and used it. Then, he brought out the cardboard roll and tried to shove it down my shirt. I tossed it at him; he tossed it at me … we’re children, you know … and then I tossed it to the floor. H left it there and I said it would stay there, possibly to become a cat toy unless he picked it up.

Children, remember.

But then I had an idea. I took that toilet paper roll, which still had a single sheet dangling from it, and drew a face on it, with a tongue sticking out, and taped it to a piece of card stock and stuck it in the mailbox for Carlos to find when he returned from work.

That’s all, there’s no real point to the story except that, well, we’re children, and I am far more childish!

In a bit of crazy, Teabagging loon and Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert promised to be the engine of change that conservatives have been calling for in their rebellion against the establishment wing of the Republican Party and vowed to unseat John Boehner as Speaker of the House. 

If elected speaker, Louie Louie said he would “fight amnesty tooth and nail” because immigrants have no place in the Land of the Free, and that he would defund Obamacare so only the wealthy could afford healthcare, and he would, ahem, bring “positive solutions that will return power back to the people.”

And by people, he means rich white guys who hate women, the Gays, the immigrants and, well, anyone who isn’t rich white and male.

Sadly, Gohmert failed at his attempt, though, also sadly, we are stuck with Boehner for the next two years of a Do Nothing Congress.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Justin Bieber is an entitled little douche with little discernible talent other than being a spoiled, self-indulgent prissy little queen. Whoosh. That felt good.

He’s also a bit of a coward.

See, Miss Justine likes to start trouble in clubs—the ones that let underage girls in, that is—but then turns tail and runs to his bodyguards when things get rough. And they hoist him onto their hip, take him out to the car, strap him in his car-seat and give him a binkie till things die down.

Last week, at South Pointe in Southampton, Miss Justine showed up at 2 AM and immediately threw a tantrum because a bunch of drunks wanted his picture; I mean, you’d have to be pretty trashed to want a picture of that whiny brat, amirite?

So Miss Justine’s ‘team’ of bodyguards, to, you know, protect their paychecks, began shoving the crowd and shining flashlights in their faces so the cameras couldn’t capture Miss Justine drinking from a bottle … of formula.

Then, when a female clubgoer tried to chat up the Biebs, and he got all chest puffy, her male friend and Justine exchanged a few heated words: “He (Bieber) ripped his shirt off and went nuts. He was screaming,” says the source—AKA Dina Lohan. “Security moved in, and Bieber was taken from the club out to the parking lot, where his SUVs were waiting.”

And his nurse, who put him down for a nap, after changing his dirty diaper.

I do so love a good catfight, and no one knows how to do it better than Joan Collins.

I mean, she’s at least a 100, right? And still kicking off her mules and taking off her earrings and getting into the dirt …. with Shirley Jones, best known as Shirley Partridge from The Partridge Family.

Yeah, that Shirley Jones.

It seems Jones wrote a memoir where she claims that she and Joan nearly had some kind of torrid foursome in the 1960s and Joan says it never happened; she’s ranting to anyone who’ll listen that she is not some ‘porn-watching swinger pervert and never was, and now she threatening Jones.

According to the book, Shirley and her then-husband Jack Cassidy were at the home of Joan Collins and her then-husband Tony Newley for dinner … and after dinner, Tony proposed they all get naked and watch porn together. Shirley writes, “It was clear what Tony was leading up to — swinging.”

But, Shirley says she turned down the offer, and now Joan is accusing her of libel. Collins sent Shirley a cease and desist letter, demanding her new book be removed from stores everywhere, but Shirley’s NOT backing down. She says the story is true and she’s standing by it.

Old women arguing over group sex and porn. Who’da thunk it!

Lindsay’s in New York, y’all. Lock up all the clubs and tell the psychics to stay indoors!

But, one place you won’t see Lindsay is in Europe. After announcing upon her exit from Rehab Stay #7 that she would be headed to Europe for a vacation, Lindsay has suddenly changed her mind.

Or, she had it changed for her.

It seems Oprah has ALLEEGDLY talked Lindsay out of a European Vacation.

See, O is sure Lindsay will relapse if she goes and O just cut Lindsay a check for $2 million for a reality show docu-series, and O wants it to have a happy ending, with Lindsay clean and sober, not coked up at a hotel in Cannes; again.

Sidenote: It was all over the media yesterday that O was saying she knew this time Lindsay will stay clean, but if you listen to the actual quote, O says, “I think she thinks this time will work.”

O’s hedging her bets ….

Looky here, two more grande dames of the cinema having a catfight.

Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. I bet they get down and dirtier than Collins and Jones did.

The two aging he-men have appeared in The Expendables, which spawned a sequel, with plans for a third installment. My kinda movie: wrinkly old men as action heroes.

Willis’ part in the first film went uncredited, but he signed on for the second one, and he was supposed to do the third but it seems like he wanted a bigger piece of the Grampa Action Hero money so he was replaced by that other aging action hero, Harrison Ford.

And Sly likes the idea, Tweeting: “WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!”

And then following up with this jab at Willis:  “GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”

And before anyone could say he didn’t mean it, Stallone’s rep confirmed he was talking about Willis.

I wanna see a tag-team match, Collins and Stallone versus Willis and Jones. That’s an action movie I’d see.

Now onto Kimye.

All has been quiet since Kim’s baby, Child Support Check, was born, and even Kanye, who never stops talking, has been gloriously silent.

But rumor has it that Kim is only being quiet because Kanye is so controlling, you know, like he says, ‘Don’t talk to the press or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stay away from the paparazzi or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stop making that face or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’.

Oh yeah, ALLEGEDLY.

But it seems that Kanye has been controlling each and every minute of Kim’s life these days, and some are saying that she is ALLEGEDLY “walking on eggshells” — and staying away from cameras — to please her Baby Daddy’s ego.

A source — and you know it’s Kris Jenner, the Biggest Pimp In The World — says, “Kim has been trapped by a madman who’s doing his all to control her every move. She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

And if that means Kim is staying away from the press and not whoring herself and her baby, Child Support Check, out, then I say, and I never thought I’d say this, Thank you, Kanye.

And now for news about a different Kardastrophe … Khloe.

In recent weeks, it’s been ALLEGED that Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, had a nearly year-long affair with a woman named Jennifer Richardson; in fact, Richardson, as women who schtup married basketball players and then find themselves alone are apt to do, sold her story to the Star; but, she had plane tickets, game tickets and other receipts as evidence of the affair, so maybe ….

And then we learned that Khloe actually confronted Jennifer courtside at one of Lamar’s games and told her to stay away from Lamar. For his part, Lamar tried to claim that Jennifer was just a groupie and that they had nothing going on. So, that ALLEGED relationship is said to have ended in February, which may explain why Richardson whored herself to the Star, but now there’s another woman who claims to have had an affair with Lamar.

Polina Polonsky, a lawyer … how’s that for high-larious … claimed that she was Lamar’s f**k-buddy for about six weeks — around the same time Lamar was staying at the Roosevelt Hotel because Khloe had kicked him out of their house for schtupping Jennifer — and she says Khloe and Kris conspired to harass and intimidate her: “I was under the impression that he had left Khloe, and that’s why he was living at the Roosevelt. He acted completely available and we definitely had a mutual attraction.”

Of course he acted available, that’s what adulterers do. Their flirtation escalated during, um, meet-ups, not hook-ups, at the Roosevelt, and then finally, on June 13, the pair made sweet sweet adulterous love: “After we had sex, Lamar stayed the night with me. The next day we went back to the Roosevelt. I stayed there with him for the next couple of nights.”

It wasn’t long before Khloe found out, and, grrrrl, she wasn’t happy. On June 21, while Polina was at her apartment, Khloe and her pimp, Kris Jenner, ALLEGEDLY stormed the Roosevelt to confront Lamar and his lover. According to Polina, Lamar told her that, while looking for him, Khloe and Kris banged on the door of the wrong room and when there was no answer Khloe broke the door down.

Well, that heifer is powerful, you know!

So Lamar, disgusted and a’scurred by Khloe’s behavior fled to Polina’s home and stayed there for nearly two weeks, hiding from his wife. Then, on June 25, Polina says Khloe and Kris came to her home: “I couldn’t believe they found where I lived and came to my apartment! They were knocking on the door, but Lamar refused to answer …”

Khloe eventually left to film her reality show, but later on, when Polina and Odom were schtupping again, Khloe also showed up at that room at the Vagabond Inn … let that sink in … The Vagabond Inn … tacky ass motel.

At 5:30 AM Khloe started banging on their love shack door, sreaming, “Open the door now, or I am calling the police!”

“I told her to leave, but she refused. I called the front desk and asked them to call the police because I was so scared, but no one ever came. While Khloe was screaming outside the door, Lamar was calling people to come and get her. She was out of control. The whole scene was so frightening — and I couldn’t understand why we were hiding, because he made it clear that he didn’t want to be with her!”

Eventually Polina says Lamar opened the door for his wife and: “Khloe charged into the room and began swinging at me…she tried to attack me! Lamar had to grab her by the hoodie and pull her back. She is way bigger than me. It was terrifying. Lamar took her into the hallway, and I shut the door for my own safety. I could hear them screaming at each other, and I kept banging on the door telling them to leave before they got arrested. As soon as they left, I left — I couldn’t stay there after all the craziness.”

As the Immortal Nene Leakes would say, Close your legs to married men!  Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men!

Now, onto those other wacky adulterers, Simon Cowell, and his f**k-buddy, and wife of his former friend, Lauren Silverman.

It now seems that Cowell has been schtupping his buddy’s bride since 2009, according to a source — :::cough cough::: Dina Lohan — who says, “Lauren has loved Simon forever. And they started having an affair four years ago.”

The relationship began as a casual fling, you know, a man in a tight T-shirt, smelling like an ashtray, screwing his friend’s wife, but now with a Baby On Board, Cowell and Silverman are just aglow.

But, as much of a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, can’t keep his pants zipped, or his dick gloved, ass that Simon Cowell can be, his future Baby Mama, Lauren, is a cunning … I was gonna say linguist … bitch. See, Lauren and her husband had a pre-nup, in which she’d get $4 million if they stayed married for ten years.

Guess who got pregnant by her hubby’s buddy right after anniversary Number 10?

Uh huh ….