I Didn't Say It ...

Jim Parsons, talking with ‘jailed’ Ellen DeGeneres about his part in the gay-centric Ryan Murphy Netflix series Hollywood:

“I’ve gone to a lot of gay clubs in my time and I’ve never seen that many naked people [on a film set] at once—ever. It was really awkward and shocking at first. We were surrounded by so many naked people. And I just kept trying not to look. It was hours we were doing this. I stopped not trying to look at some point. I was just like, you know what, what I really feel is admiration. To have that kind of relationship with your body that you’re able to just walk around naked in front of a huge crew, and all these other actors, in and out of the swimming people. I am in awe. That is the healthiest, I think … there wasn’t a bad looking one in the bunch. They worked for that confidence, or were born with it, I don’t know.”

I would’a looked, taken pictures, gotten phone numbers, planned a lunch orgy …too much?

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Jake Tapper, CNN anchor, calling out new  White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany for claiming the media took POTUS out of context about the Drink Bleach Movement:

“Which is not remotely what happened. Simply put, it’s a bald-faced lie. The president wasn’t even talking, posing the bizarre question about disinfectants to journalists, he was talking to an official of the Department of Homeland Security who had been talking about how sunlight and disinfectants helped to kill the coronavirus when it was in the air and on nonporous surfaces, not when it was in the human body.”

_____ said it; it wasn’t taken out of context because we all heard it; and it wasn’t sarcastic, because while he’s laughable as president he’s not funny.

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Rachel Maddow, MSNBC host, on the lockdown protest, organized by the Center for Popular Democracy Action:

“That was a little bit of what it looked like today in the rain, in downtown Washington, D.C., as a long line of cars processed pretty slowly, from the White House, down through the streets of DC, slowly, all in a line, with their hazards flashing. But this was different for a couple of reasons. Number one, they were honking for the most part. And number two, they were not going to a cemetery. They were going to President _____’s downtown Washington, D.C. hotel. You can see the signs on some of the cars: ‘_____ lies, people die.’ And then you can see the body bags. People got out of those vehicles, and laid body bags at the threshold of President _____’s hotel. The U.S. death toll from coronavirus, as of today, is staggering. As of today [this is from last week, the death toll is higher] 48,902 Americans have been killed. And that’s just over the course of about a month. … But I don’t know if the president knows that. And so the people who are mad at the president about this response, people are starting to pile up body bags in front of his hotel, because maybe that at least might capture his attention, maybe that will let him know that the real body count is.”

I think, as Blobby pointed out weeks ago on his blog … HERE … that they should pile up body bags in front of the White House.

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Justin Rohrwasser, Patriots rookie kicker , saying he would have a tattoo of the ‘3 Percenters’, a right-wing militia group linked with the white supremacy movement, removed after it went viral on social media:

“The first time I found out what it was linked to was on Saturday. That’s why it was so surprising. … When I was 18, I got it. [3 Percenters were] described to me as the percentage of colonists that rose up against the authoritarian government of the British, and I was like, ‘Wow, that’s such an American sentiment. A patriotic sentiment. And coming from a military family, I thought that really spoke to me and I always was proud to be an American. I’m very proud to be an American. As soon as I saw what it was linked to on Saturday, it’s exactly that time I knew I had to get it totally taken off my body. I said cover it up, but I want to get it removed from my body. It’s shameful that I had it on there ignorantly. I’m sorry for all my family that have to defend me.”

I’ll take this one with a grain of salt, because he’s had the tattoo for a few years now and he just found out what it means?

Or is he just saying that to save his job. Asking for cynics everywhere.

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Don Lemon, CNN anchor , on Michael Elizabeth Pence refusing to wear a mask when visiting the Mayo Clinic because he wanted to look people in the eye:

“What about the fact that it is their policy? It is the policy that you created. What about the fact that they offered one upon your arrival? What about the fact it’s possible for a coronavirus test to be inaccurate? And it’s possible for you to contract and spread the virus after you’ve tested negative. … Remember, he’s the head of the task force. The head of the task force. The advice is to wear a mask for the protection of other people, but the vice president chose not to.  Come on … It’s not an eye mask we’re talking about. This is ridiculous. We all know that you can look somebody in the eye while wearing a mask. Millions of Americans have been wearing masks during this pandemic? Guess what? They can still see!”

Here’s the deal, Michael Elizabeth  Pence was not wearing a mask because he didn’t want to piss off _____, who said he chose not to wear a mask because it would look undignified in the Oval Office.

Like, right, now, the Oval could look more undignified.

Fuck off, Michael Elizabeth pence, you pandering fuck.

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Matthew Lynch, Division I men’s college basketball coach and director of basketball operations at the UNC Wilmington, coming out as gay:

“This is a scary time for everyone and the unknown is always difficult to deal with. But I have made a decision to use this time to become completely open and honest with myself and the people around me. I’m gay. Those are two words that 10 years ago I wasn’t sure I was ever going to admit, let alone say out loud. I always thought I would ‘die with the lie.’ That is how I approached so much of my life, to keep it a secret, to never let anyone know that side of me, to hide and bury all those feelings. I think it’s important for me to be publicly out. Not only for me and my mental health, but for anyone else out there like me. The goal isn’t to come out of the closet, it’s to eliminate the closet. I am probably a little crazy to decide to make this so public with everything else that is going on … like being unemployed, or a worldwide pandemic or a hiring freeze throughout the coaching profession … but I wanted to try and find a way use a negative time for something positive. I don’t know if I will be able to get another college basketball job as an openly gay coach, but I refuse to take any job where I am not my authentic self. I refuse to die with the lie.”

Being gay isn’t a huge part of your life, but just a piece of it. And yet people often take that piece and use it against you, punish you, beat you, kill you, deny you rights.

Thank you, Matthew for standing up to say that you won’t take it anymore, and, of course, please accept The Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and copy of The Gay Agenda.

Stand proud.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Jim Kenney, Mayor of Philadelphia, on ____ uninviting the world champion Philadelphia Eagles to the White House after most of the team said they wouldn’t go:

“The Eagles call the birthplace of our democracy home, so it’s no surprise that this team embodies everything that makes our country and our city great. Their athletic accomplishments on the field led to an historic victory this year. Fans all across the country rallied behind them because we like to root for the underdog and we feel joy when we see the underdogs finally win. I’m equally proud of the Eagles’ activism off the field. These are players who stand up for the causes they believe in and who contribute in meaningful ways to their community. They represent the diversity of our nation-a nation in which we are free to express our opinions. Disinviting them from the White House only proves that our President is not a true patriot, but a fragile egomaniac obsessed with crowd size and afraid of the embarrassment of throwing a party to which no one wants to attend.”

Snap.

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Justin Trudeau, Canadian Prime Minister, on _____’s new tariffs:

“These tariffs are totally unacceptable. The numbers are clear: The United States has a $2 billion U.S. dollars surplus in steel trade with Canada—and Canada buys more American steel than any other country in the world, half of U.S. steel exports. Canada is a secure supplier of aluminum and steel to the U.S. defense industry, putting aluminum in American planes and steel in American tanks. That Canada could be considered a national security threat to the United States is inconceivable. [But] I want to be very clear about one thing: Americans remain our partners, friends, and allies. This is not about the American people. We have to believe that at some point their common sense will prevail. But we see no sign of that in this action today by the U.S. administration.”

Seriously, _____ is bending over for Russia, China and north Korea, but smiting our allies?

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Carmen Cruz, Mayor of San Juan Puerto Rico, on the huge numbers of deaths following Hurricane Maria and the _____ Administration’s inept handling of the crisis:

“President _____ tweets about the crack of dawn, and he hasn’t even tweeted one time to say ‘Look, I mourn with the people of Puerto Rico, so this total neglect has to be called upon. The United Nations says that when people are denied their right to access to basic human services, like electric power, like water, like food, like appropriate medical care, that it is a violation of human rights.”

And that’s the president; racist, inept, and violating human rights … basic human rights.

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Jim Parsons, actor in Broadway’s Boys in the Band and CBS’ Big Bang Theory, on Roseanne’s tweets and actors being held to higher standards than politicians:

“I only felt about it on an emotional scale, so I guess that’s what I’ll say. Which was, ‘how?’ and ‘why?’ That was really my only reaction to it. I was surprised [the show] was cancelled immediately … But really to the face of it –just reading that tweet several times—I was like ‘how did you type that?' I did have one thought though which was that it’s okay to say certain things as an elected official right now that it is not necessarily okay to say as an entertainer and I find that fascinating … If your job is put into place by the votes of the citizens, then you can still get by. In this case, ABC cut ties with something that was obviously going to be a cash cow for them for however long.”

Sad, really, that actors lose their jobs for what they say, but presidents and senators and governors don’t suffer the same fate.

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Rudy Giuliani, _____’s idiotic lawyer, saying there is no way Trump can be indicted, even if he shoots former FBI director James Comey.

“In no case can he be subpoenaed or indicted. I don’t know how you can indict while he’s in office. No matter what it is. If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day. Impeach him, and then you can do whatever you want to do to him.”

Seriously, this buffoon thinks the president could murder someone and face no consequences, except impeachment?

No wonder this administration is the hottest mess ever.

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Jim Carrey, actor, on those missing 1500 children, and America in the age of _____:

“The worst terror a child can experience is being taken from their parents. Would blonde, blue-eyed children ever be treated so brutally at our border? Would 4600 Puerto Ricans be left to die if they were white? No. _____ism is racism. What in God’s name have we become.”

We have become a nation that is seen as filled with hate because some of our leaders say hateful things, and the others do nothing about the hate-filled rhetoric.

Silence = Acceptance and the silence must stop.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Ryan Murphy, on his new FX show, Pose, a tribute to the 1980s NYC ballroom scene: 

“Along with being a dance musical and an affirming look at American life in the 1980s, I’m so proud that ‘Pose’ and FX has made history right from the beginning by featuring the most trans series regular actors ever in an American television production. Additionally, the first season ‘Pose’ will feature 50-plus LGBTQ characters — a record in American television history. I can’t wait for people to see this incredibly talented, passionate cast.”

This looks so good, and I am loving the hiring of actual trans actors and LGBTQ characters.

The march goes on …

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Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, on the hush money having everything to do with the election:

“There were extensive communications between Michael Cohen and Keith Davidson in October 2016 relating to the timing of this payment and the need for this payment to be made prior to the election. Extensive communications relating to the need for the payment to be made, when it was made and as to related to potential influence on the election. So, any claim that the payment had nothing to do with the election is completely bogus. There’s no question it had everything to do with the election.”

Like she said on SNL, “A storm’s a’comin’.”

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Neil Cavuto, Fox News host, on _____ and his lying:

“How can you drain the swamp if you’re the one that keeps muddying the water? You didn’t know about that $130,000 payment to a porn star until you did. Your base probably might not care, but you should. I guess you’re too busy draining the swamp to ever stop and smell the stink you’re creating. That’s your doing. That’s your stink. Mr. President, that’s your swamp.”

A Fox pundit saying ______ stinks. My day is made!

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Rudy Giuliani, ____ lawyer, digging in deeper:

“First: There is no campaign violation. The payment was made to resolve a personal and false allegation in order to protect the President’s family. It would have been done in any event, whether he was a candidate or not. Second: My references to timing were not describing my understanding of the President’s knowledge, but instead, my understanding of these matters. Third: It is undisputed that the President’s dismissal of former Director Comey – an inferior executive officer – was clearly within his Article II power. Recent revelations about former Director Comey further confirm the wisdom of the President’s decision, which was plainly in the best interests of our nation.”

Okay, first … _____ paid $130,000 to cover up a lie Stormy Daniels was telling? I should start lying about the Fat Bastard and I can retire sooner rather than later.

Second … so you talked about what you understood but made no effort to figure out what _____ understood before flapping your gums?

Third … you’re still wrong, Rudy.

Take a seat until your ride comes to take you home.

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John Oliver, on Rudy Giuliani and ______, after Rudy, who was married to his first cousin for a time, called Ivanka a “fine woman” but said Jared Kushner is “disposable,” and his first marriage, which was to his first cousin:

“Think about it: They’re basically two versions of the same person. They’re both New Yorkers coasting on their reputations, they’ve both had three marriages, neither of them can shut up in front of a camera, and, perhaps most importantly, they both want to f**k Ivanka—which is weird for _____ because Ivanka is in his family, and is weird for Giuliani because she isn’t.”

As Randy Rainbow calls them, Rudy and the Beast!

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Michelle Obama, speaking to girls about working twice as hard as men for half the reward:

“I wish that girls could fail as bad as men do, and be okay, because let me tell you, watching men fail up—it is frustrating. It's frustrating to see a lot of men blow it and win. And we hold ourselves to these crazy, crazy standards.”

How long before Melania steals this for a speech?

And Michelle? Run for President, girl.

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Seth Meyers, on Rudy Giuliani’s disastrous week of interviews and _____’s explanation for the mess:

“Yeah, give the kid [Rudy] a break! He’s only 73 going on Nosferatu. He’s a former mayor and U.S. attorney who’s now the lawyer for the President of the United States and _____ talks about him like he’s a trainee at Chipotle.”

Well, Rudy certainly acts more like he should be asking if I want beans or rice than being a lawyer for a sexual predator!

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Jim Parsons, on some people saying the gay rom-com Love, Simon was unnecessary:

“I read a couple of articles that were essentially saying – I loved it, by the way, but there were a couple articles that were like, ‘that’s too late.’ … That we were beyond this now, the kind of tale of coming out that this was. And I thought, ‘Maybe if you’re a 30-something writer living in New York or LA it may be like ‘I don’t need to see this’, obviously.  But I don’t know – I think there are people in many other places that, yes you do still need to see it. [And] never mind the fact [they’re saying] ‘a gay romcom it’s too late.’ Tell that to When Harry Met Sally, you know, which was brilliant, but I’m saying, ‘How many straight rom-coms do we need? When is it too late for them?’ There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re fine. They are lovely. And I love When Harry Met Sally, I dunno…Let me get sick of too many gay rom-coms thank you very much. Bring it on. We’ll see.”

Seriously. Straight rom-coms have been around since movies started being made, and suddenly a same-sex rom-com is too much?

Take a seat, haters.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Emmy award-winning actress from Veep and Seinfeld, announcing that she has breast cancer:

 “1 in 8 women get breast cancer. Today, I’m the one. The good news is that I have the most glorious group of supportive and caring family and friends, and fantastic insurance through my union. The bad news is that not all women are so lucky, so let’s fight all cancers and make universal health care a reality.”

Good for her, to shine a light of the plight of breast cancer victims in this country and the plight of folks wity no healthcare.

Here’s to a speedy recovery for one of my favorites.

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Trevor Noah, Daily Show host, responding to former Congressman Joe Walsh’s claim that Stevie Wonder is just “another ungrateful black multi-millionaire” because he took a knee at a concert in New York:

“Ungrateful to whom? I’m fascinated by that concept. People always say that. Ungrateful to whom? This idea that black people should be grateful is some sneaky-ass racism. A white billionaire spends a year screaming that America is a disaster, and he’s “in touch with the country” but when a black man kneels quietly, he should be grateful for the successes that America has allowed him to have? You think black Americans are free from the worry of being shot by agents of the state [if they kneel during the anthem]? That’s the whole thing that they’re protesting in the first place!”

Yes, black people need to be more grateful to white folks because we’ve done so much for y’all. OIf course, this comes from Joe Walsh, one of the biggest lying asshatted f**kmonkey to ever sit in the Congress so, yeah, there’s that.

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Megyn Kelly, to Russell Turner, a Will  Grace superfan, on the first day of her new Today Show segment:

“Is it true that you became a lawyer — and you became gay! — because of Will?”

Yes, Megyn, and interestingly enough, I became a Hillbilly Millionaire who loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly ... Hills, that is, because I watched that show on TV. I also turned out to be a wacky redhead married to a Cuban bandleader because of TV ... okay, that one’s not so far off the mark.

Still, Megyn, thanks for taking a giant step backward you idiot. TV cannot make you gay, but, clearly, being a Fox news hack for a while can't make you an idiot.

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Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory actor, on what it felt like to be a gay man in a relationship for 15 years and to finally marry his partner, Todd—above left:

“I didn’t really think we cared about the act of it that much, to be honest with you. And that sounds cold in a way, but I finally thought … well, let’s have a party then for the celebration, and we’ll go ahead and legalize this thing. And I really thought it would kind of end at that ... but it was so much more meaningful in the moment to me than I predicted. And it’s been resonantly more meaningful to me afterward than I ever saw coming. I’d been an adult gay person for so long at a time when that wasn’t possible that life was ‘fine,’ you know what I mean? There is an underlying thing a little buzz of something. I keep reminding myself of it. I kind of forget, and then I’m like, ‘we’re a legal thing, just like mom and dad were.'”

That’s exactly how I felt when Carlos and I got married; I mean, I knew we didn’t need to do it, but we did it because we wanted everyone to know that we were a married couple, just like our parents, and had the same desires and hopes as anyone else.

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John McCain, Arizona’s GOP Senator, on the differences between him and _____:

“He is in the business of making money and he has been successful both in television as well as Miss America and others. I was raised in a military family. I was raised in the concept and belief that duty, honor, country is the — is the lodestar for the behavior that we have to exhibit every single day.”

Well, when you’re a draft-dodging spoiled brat that’s all you know; and, sadly, that’s what the minority of us elected in 2016.

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Steve Kerr, coach of the Golden State Warriors, in response to _____’s racist un-American rants:

“How about the irony of, ‘Free speech is fine if you’re a neo-Nazi chanting hate slogans, but free speech is not allowed to kneel in protest?' No matter how many times a football player says, ‘I honor our military, but I’m protesting police brutality and racial inequality,’ it doesn’t matter. Nationalists are saying, ‘You’re disrespecting our flag.’ Well, you know what else is disrespectful to our flag? Racism. And one’s way worse than the other.”

It’s not about a flag or a song or a knee; it’s about wanting to be recognized, to be equal, to be allowed to live, to be safe from being shot dead if you get stopped while driving.

It’s about being equal, and that’s one of our founding tenets so let’s all move toward that, m’kay?

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Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs head coach, on the NFL Take A Knee flap:

“Race is the elephant in the room and we all understand that. Unless it is talked about constantly, it’s not going to get better. ‘Oh, they’re talking about that again. They pulled the race card again. Why do we have to talk about that?’ Well, because it’s uncomfortable. There has to be an uncomfortable element in the discourse for anything to change, whether it’s the LGBT movement, or women’s suffrage, race, it doesn’t matter. People have to be made to feel uncomfortable, and especially white people, because we’re comfortable. We still have no clue what being born white means. And if you read some of the recent literature, you realize there really is no such thing as whiteness. We kind of made it up. That’s not my original thought, but it’s true. It’s hard to sit down and decide that, yes, it’s like you’re at the 50-meter mark in a 100-meter dash. You’ve got that kind of a lead, yes, because you were born white. You have advantage that are systemically, culturally, psychologically rare. And they’ve been built up and cemented for hundreds of years. But many people can’t look at it that way, because it’s too difficult. It can’t be something that’s on their plate on a daily basis. People want to hold their position, people want their status quo, people don’t want to give that up. Until it’s given up, it’s not going to be fixed.”

So sorry white people feel uncomfortable when a minority demands equality, or just the right not to die because of their skin color.

And not talking about it solves nothing.

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Jimmy Kimmel, on the latest death of an Obamacare repeal:

 “Thank you Senator Collins, you know Maine needs affordable healthcare more than almost any state. You know the sewers up there are filled with child-eating clowns.”

Pennywise be damned!

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It's Snarkurday!

It was just a few months ago that Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon were everywhere promoting their new movie, Hot Pursuit, and touting their amazing new friendship.

Cut to six weeks later, and the flop that was Hot Pursuit, and now Reese and Sofia cannot stand one another, and each blames the other for the movie disaster.

Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.

I blame the studio that figured they could just reboot some buddy comedy and slip in the Stars-of-the-Moment and people would just flock to it. Howsabout starting with a good idea first, and go from there?

Now, what’s kinda funny about the Reese-Sofia feud is that Joe Toth, who happens to be Reese’s husband, is the agent for both women.

Man, who wants to be Jim Toth right about now?

And who wants to be fired Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “star” Brandi Glanville right about now either?

Her “reality show career” has tanked, and even she can’t remember if she was fired or if she walked away from the show.  Clearly she was fired — she was not asked back for next season — but she insists she quit … though she forgot that when writing a column for an Australian tabloid NW magazine and saying this:

“This week has been crazy! I talked to Yolanda Foster and Kim Richards. Lisa Vanderpump actually emailed me. She was like the first to email after I got fired, which was very weird. I was shocked, it was very unexpected. Everything with her is a plan – everything is very strategic. I feel like she did it so I’d tell people that she did it.”

Oops. Fired; then Brandi, who may have been tequila’s when she wrote that, contradicts herself again by saying RHoBH wanted her back part-time but she declined because she has “other plans.”

And she doesn’t say what those “other plans” are, but I’m guessing it’s to start another TwitFight with LeAnn Rimes … or be photographed falling out of her dress somewhere.

My my my. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has been ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million for posting her private sex video online as part of his little boy beef with Rick Ross. And Jackson may have to appear in court next week with his net worth statement in hand so the jury can decide on additional, punitive damages.

The jury found that Lastonia Leviston, Ross’ baby mama, suffered “severe emotional distress” when Fiddy narrated that sex tape in which he called her a “slut” and “mother**king porn star.” In addition, the jury says that Fiddy — how is that a name for a grown-ass man? — profited off the posting that was linked to his website ThisIs50.com.

The video is from 2009, and was made when  Leviston was dating Maurice Murray, who sold the tape to Fiddy after he and Leviston broke up.

So, now, in addition to the % million in damages, the jury will get to decide how much of Fiddy’s ALLEGED half-billion dollar fortune they’ll take away from him.

Ow … though there’s more to come on this one.

Thank goddess for Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, without her we wouldn’t know which gluten-free foods to eat … we wouldn’t know that we needed a five-hundred plain white t-shit in our wardrobe … we wouldn’t know how to act morally superior to peons.

And now we wouldn’t know how to yawn. Yup. GOOP is telling us how to yawn in a new piece on her site called, Why Yawning Is Important – and How to Optimize the Reflex.

It goes like this, y’all:

YAWN #1

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed.

Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Next up we learn the proper way to smirk at those less fortunate than us, and how to properly  sniff in disgust when a waiter comes over to speak with us.

Don’t thank me, thank GOOP.

Jesse Eisenberg was at Comic-Con last week and compared the event to genocide.

Yes, to Jesse Eisenberg, being featured at an event where your fans can come celebrate you, and perhaps meet you, as you promote your latest film, hoping they’ll see it and you’ll make millions, is just like the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular ethnic group or nation.

I wonder is those six million Jews who were slaughtered in WWII would want to trade places with Eisenberg … if they were still alive today.

Asshat.

Back to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.

On the heels of that $5 million verdict against him, Jackson instantly left the courtroom, walked down the hall to bankruptcy court, and filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Not a good year, for Fiddy, who  recently lost another court case — involving the theft of a headphone design — for $17.2 million.

But Fiddy explains it like this:

“I’m taking the precautions that any other good businessperson would take in this situation. You know when you’re successful and stuff, you become a target. I don’t wanna be a bullseye. I don’t want anybody to pick me as the guy that they just come to with astronomical claims and go through all that.”

A target for punitive damages after you’ve been found guilty of posting a private sex tape on line because you’re pissy with someone.

My.Heart.Bleeds.

No one really knows why, or how, but former Friends star Matt LeBlanc’s father, Paul LeBlanc, gave an exclusive interview to Star & OK magazines and really dished the dirt.

Like how Matt didn’t really care for co-stars Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer:

“Matt always said Matthew Perry is an a**hole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times. [And] David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”

But apparently LeBlanc thought Lisa Kudrow was just fine, though Daddy has some choice words for his own son:

“He was as good looking as anyone in Hollywood. But he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life – I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt. He’s not someone who keeps himself toned when he’s not in front of the cameras.”

But the biggest shocker of Daddy LeBlanc’s talk was the thought that maybe Jennifer Aniston and Matt LeBlanc fooled around together while Aniston was married to Brad Pitt?

“He even had a relationship with one of the girls… Jen. They would make out in the dressing rooms. He told me about it. It was when she was married to Brad Pitt….Matt goes after dirt bags.”

Ouch. I don’t know which is worse, calling Jen out for ALLEGEDING cheating on Brad

— possibly long before La Jolie met Pitt, or calling Jen a ‘dirt bag.’

Naturally, Aniston’s people are circling the wagons:

“Jennifer has never had a romantic or sexual relationship with Matt LeBlanc…Jennifer is being victimized by his fabrications.” 

Oh, there it is … Jennifer Aniston is a victim again. First La Jolie victimized her and now Matt LeBlanc’s daddy is to blame.

Still, it kinda makes sense that Jen would play the Poor Me card if she was the one who cheated first and wanted to save her image as America’s Sweetheart.

So, remember when Johnny Depp and his wife, Amber Heard, smuggled their dogs into Australia, where Depp was filming the 47th sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean?

And the government ordered the dogs — the actual pets, not Depp and Heard, out of the country — which caused Amber to whine about how Australian authorities were just looking for their “fifteen minutes of fame.”

Pot.Kettle.Black.

Well, now it appears Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally smuggling the dogs into Australia, and was issued a summons to appear in a Queensland court in September. She faces a fine of up to $200,000 or up to 10 years in prison.

I vote prison.

Just sayin’.

Let’s end with funny …

So, Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons has been playing God … on Broadway … in a new play, An Act of God, and apparently God and Parsons don’t like it when people show up late.

It seems that  Parsons spotted a woman making her way to her orchestra seat some 15 minutes after a matinee began, and he said to her:

“A little late, aren’t you?”

When the audience burst out laughing, he added:

“You’re lucky I’m God and not Patti LuPone!”

You’ll remember that last week LuPone made headlines when she snatched a phone out of an audience member’s hand after the woman had been texting throughout the show, but what’s really eerie, and kind of like Is Jim Parsons Really God, is that the Patti LuPone incident happened later that night after Jim made that comment.

Now, he might have been referencing the 2009 incident where La LuPone stopped her performance in Gypsy because an audience member was taking pictures from her seat.

Or Is Jim Parsons Really God?