I Didn't Say It ...

Marsha Warfield, comedian and actor, her rise back-up as she steps back into the shoes of Roz Russell, the tough-as-nails bailiff on Night Court, and her life as a lesbian in Hollywood:

“I wasn’t Ellen. I wasn’t Rosie. I wasn’t Wanda. I was in the professional closet with the glass door. You’d show up on the red carpet with your ‘assistant.’ When asked who you were dating, you’d say, ‘Let’s not talk about my personal life.’ That’s how it was done. When I came out to [my mother] in the early ‘80s, she said, ‘I know.’ And I was pissed. ‘If you knew, why didn’t you say something?' and she said, ‘I love you, but do me a favor and don’t come out while I’m alive.’ And honestly, given the time, that didn’t seem unreasonable. I wasn’t one of the brave ones, but today, I’m on a mission to honor those who never got to be their full selves. So many women my age never got to explore who they were. They came out later in life, 50s, 60s, 70s. And some never did. For them, the question was ‘Can I be me?’ And for so long, the answer was no. I took time off to survive. I didn’t call it trauma at the time, but that’s what it was. [In 2015 I started working again [but] I had 20 years of stage rust. I wasn’t the same comedian. I wasn’t the same person. I had to reintroduce myself to myself. A lot of people think they can just take 20 years off and go back to it. It doesn’t work like that. There’s courage in just being in show business. You stand up there and say, ‘This is me,’ and wait to be judged. And you do it again. And again.”

And now she is back, not like the former Marsha but as a fully realized version of herself and one that met her current wife, Angie, while she was performing at a comedy club in Vegas.

“She heckled me, and I’ll stop there because she hates when I tell that story. We had our first date four months later, and then she married me five years later.”

I remember her days on Night Court and even though her character was never identified as gay, you somehow knew she was, and then surmised that maybe Marsha Warfield was, too. I’m glad she has the chance to be herself and come out into the light as her fully realized self.

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Scott Galloway, public speaker, author, and clinical professor of marketing at the New York University Stern School of Business, on The Felon’s failures with the economy:

"First off, America is the second largest manufacturer in the world and the Cato Institute—we romanticize manufacturing—the Cato Institute did a survey, 80% of us believe that we should have more manufacturing but only 20% of us want to work in manufacturing. There is no line to get in and have work at an assembly plant in Lansing, Michigan. What we want is high-paying jobs. Quite frankly, if this president cared about young men and trying to up-level people we'd go to a minimum wage of $25 a hour. And by the way, if minimum wage had kept pace with productivity and inflation it'd be somewhere between $23 and $27 an hour …  If you want to go back—he talks about the great era of the late 19th century—guess what? When we didn't have indoor plumbing? Where we had child labor? I'll take Netflix and Novocain. We have a habit because of social media to talk about how terrible America is [but] there are [one hundred and ninety-five] nations, they would all trade places with us. Do we have income inequality, we have polarization, do we have struggling young people? A hundred percent, but guess what? This nation is less bad than any other nation except if you want to take us back to the past. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. We have the greatest inflow of capital, which drives our stock up, which lets us borrow money at a lower cost. We have the greatest inflow of human capital. What do the best and the brightest in the world have in common? They want to come to our universities; they want to live in America. And part of that is that the American brand is risk aggressiveness, it's rule of law, it's consistency. Rule of law has gone out the window. Right? We've now decided to defy court orders … We are rounding people up with the wrong tattoo and shipping them off without due process to essentially hellscape prisons … Consistency? The tariffs are on, they're off, the tariffs are on, the tariffs are off. We're alienating nations that love us and we love. When did we decide to go to war against Canada!? Canada!? You know what Canada did? … Canadians hid us in the [Iran] hostage crisis. The Canadian embassy hid six Americans and if they'd been found out they would have been hung by cranes. We're going to war against Canada!? They are our true friends. We can't even articulate why we're angry with them. We are going to war with everyone at the same time. The big winner here, if there is a winner, is China over the medium and long-term, who says 'You may not like us, but you can count us’ … When he paused the tariffs yesterday, he took the knife halfway out of the economy's back, but the injury will take years, if not decades, to heal. The definition of stupid is doing something that hurts yourself while hurting others. This could not be more stupid."

That last line is the epitaph on The Felon Administration’s headstone and we will take years recovering from the damage that a spoiled stupid man cost all of us.

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Lux Pascal, out trans actor and model, on her older brother Pedro Pascal standing up  for transgender people:

“I’m incredibly proud, but the thing is that I’ve always known that he is a superstar. It’s funny because people have been asking me, ‘Is he as kind as we think he is?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes!' What makes [Pedro] so fabulous is that he wears all of his humanity on his sleeve, and he doesn’t hide who he is and I think that’s refreshing, because usually we move around the world hiding who we are. That’s the main lesson I’ve gotten from him: there’s no reason for me to hide who I am, right? And I think people are seeing that.”

Lux Pascal is the youngest of four siblings in the Pascal family and publicly came out as trans in 2021.Shortly after that her brother, actor Pedro Pascal, shared a picture of his siter with a caption that read:

“Mi hermana, mi corazón, nuestra Lux.”

“My sister, my heart, our Lux.”

Good on Lux for stepping out, especially these days, and good on Pascal for standing with her against the transphobia in the world today.

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Rachel Maddow, MSNBC host, called out The Felon for appointing Paula White-Cain, a televangelist who sells promises of miracle healing, to an official White House position:

“Your tax dollars at work, everybody! In that role, I guess, she would now like you to send her $1,000. She is a special government employee of the United States. She is asking for your money [to] release seven supernatural blessings. Hard-sell, big-money, pay-me-for-miracles televangelism is as old as television but when it’s from the White House, when it’s a person hired as a special government employee of the U.S. government, someone running an office in the White House while selling miracles on the side? Well that’s a whole new day for governance.”

Maddow pointed out that, while White-Cain is selling miracle cures for diseases, and charging thousands of dollars, the new regime is cutting funding for vaccinations.

Don’t trust science, trust the grifter-hired snake oil salesman.

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Tim Gunn, style icon, setting the record straight on whether or not he'll be appearing on the upcoming reboot of Project Runway:

"Heidi sent me a text saying, 'There's talk about bringing Project Runway back with us, with you and me, and would you do it?' And I said, 'Would I do it? Of course, there's not a moment of hesitation in me.' So Heidi and I were texting and texting, and several months later, she sent me a text asking, 'Are you happy with your contract?' I'm a truth-teller. I don't even mince words. I said, 'Well, I haven't seen a contract.’ And she said, 'You haven't?' No. So I called my agent and he knew things were going on, but he contacted the executive producers of this new show, and they said, 'We don't want him.' And [my agent] said, 'Well, he's done 19 seasons of Runway, 16 with Heidi. The two of them won an Emmy together as hosts, and now you're going to separate them?' And they said yes. So I wasn't asked back. However, several weeks after that conversation, they went back to [my agent] and said, 'Well, we've thought about it and we'd be willing to offer Tim a small cameo in one episode.' What do I do? Wave from a bus as the designers are going into Mood [Fabrics]? Heidi comes to see me at the retirement home and we play croquet? So no thank you. And as Heidi would say, you're either in or you're out. And I'm out … [But] I thought, how lucky am I to have had the experiences that I've had over the last 20 years? This is phenomenal. I stopped the boo-hooing. I thought, it's really throwing hubris in the face of an angry God to mourn not being on this new show. So I've come to terms with it. Am I disappointed? Sure. And most of all, it's about not working with Heidi, but we move on and things happen for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, but it will be revealed. [Heidi] was really upset and she kept saying, 'I'm fighting for you, I'm fighting for you.' Which is lovely of her and nothing that I should expect. And I said, 'Heidi, just take good care of yourself. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.'"

Tim Gunn is a class act all the way, and if Disney knew anything about Project Runway, it’s the need to have Tim Gunn on the show, so maybe they should, as Tim would say, ‘Make it work.’

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I Didn't Say It ...

Tim Gunn, on Kanye West, "fashion" designer:

“I’m totally perplexed about why the fashion industry has not looked at these, frankly, dumb, basic clothes and cried ‘hoax.’ Kanye West is a sphinx without a riddle. I just don’t understand why people are so in awe. [The models in the show were] basically wearing stretch undergarments. I think the only thing dumber than these clothes would be the people who would buy these clothes.”

Dumb clothes by a dumb, albeit very full of himself designer, bought by dumb people.

Yeah, I don’t see that ad running, though I can see Kanye going anti-Gunn in a rap somewhere, but Kanye, you fool,  don’t come for Tim Gunn unless he sends for you.

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Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elisabeth’s cousin, coming out as gay:

"Being a Mountbatten was never the problem,’ he says, ‘it was the generation into which I was born. When I was growing up, it was known as “the love that dare not speak its name”, but what’s amazing now is how far we have all come in terms of acceptance. 'Coming out” is such a funny phrase but it’s what I suppose I did in a rather roundabout way, emerging to a place I’m happy to be. I have struggled with my sexuality and in some ways I still do; it has been a real journey to reach this point."

Ivar is the first member of the Royal Family to come out, though, you know, there are a lot of royal gays.

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Robert Gates, former Defense Secretary, on The Rump:

“He has no clue about the difference between negotiating a business deal and negotiating with sovereign nations. A thin-skinned, temperamental, shoot-from-the-hip and lip, uninformed commander-in-chief is too great a risk for America.”

Don’t forget orange! Thin orange skin!

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Jeffrey Tambor, accepting an Emmy for playing a trans woman on Transparent:

“To you people out there, you producers and you network owners and you agents and you creative sparks, please give transgender talent a chance. Give them auditions. Give them their story. Do that. And, also, one more thing, I would not be unhappy were I the last cisgender male to play a female transgender [woman] on television. We have work to do.” 

I do think that any actor worth his salt should be able to play any role, but let’s make room for trans actors getting work, as transgender or cisgender; just let them work.

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Richard Sherman, Seattle Seahawks cornerback, at a team press conference after the police shootings in Tulsa and Charlotte:

“So, today, obviously we’re playing San Fran and they’re a great opponent. They’ve got some weapons: Torrey Smith, Carlos Hyde. They’re running Chip Kelly’s offense. … But I’m not going to answer any questions today, and it’s no offense to you guys. But I think the state of things in the world today is very interesting. I think you have players that are trying to take a stand and trying to be aware of social issue and try to make a stand an increase people’s awareness and put a spotlight on it and they’re being ignored. Whether they’re taking a knee or whether they’re locking arms, they’re trying to bring people together and unite them for a cause. I think the last couple days, a couple more guys have gotten shot and killed in the middle of the street. And more videos have come out of guys getting killed, and I think people are still missing the point. The reason these guys are kneeling, the reason we’re locking arms is to bring people together — to make people aware that this is not right. It’s not right for people to get killed in the street. I do a lot of community service. I go out there and try to help kids and try to encourage them to be better and to aspire to more. And when you tell a kid, ‘When you’re dealing with police, just put your hands up and comply with everything.’ And there’s still a chance of them getting shot and no repercussions for anyone, that’s an unfortunate time to be living. It’s an unfortunate place to be in. There’s not a lot you can tell a kid. There’s not a lot you can try to inspire a person when you say, ‘We need black fathers to be in the community to stay there for your kids,’ but they’re getting killed in the street for nothing, for putting their hands on their cars. And I think that’s the unfortunate part, that’s the unfortunate place that we’re living in. And something needs to be done. And so when a guy takes a knee, you can ignore it. You can say, ‘He’s not being patriotic, he’s not honoring the flag.’ I’m doing none of those things. I’m saying — straight up — this is wrong, and we need to do something. So thank you guys, have a blessed day.”

There was a meme on Facebook that summed it up:

You get angry when a black man takes a knee, but do nothing when a black man takes a bullet.

Something does need to be done.

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It's Snarkurday!

So, after Blake Shelton up and divorced Miranda Lambert amid rumors that she’s a cheatin’ croonin’ country star, she needed to beef up her image and what better way to get some press than to appear onstage with former country crooner turned pop tart Taylor Swift?

When Swifty’s tour came to North Carolina, Miranda was there, too, and they sang one of Lambert’s hits, “Little Red Wagon.” And it all looked so sweet except … the two are ALLEGEDLY feuding and have been for a couple of years, so it was tense that night, onstage and off … says a source:

“The girls were anything but friendly that night. Miranda was miffed that Taylor flubbed several lines of ‘Little Red Wagon’ and also annoyed that Taylor made her wear a 1989 shirt.”

Taylor Swift is a stylist, too? But I digress … the tension dates back to when the two gals got into a screaming match over a collaboration that fell apart and ever since then they hate each other. Miranda thinks Taylor is fake … you don’t say … while TayTay says Miranda is a mean girl … go figure. So why the concert duet? Damage control.

Since Miranda’s divorce, and the rumors that she’s boning any man and every man that comes within ten feet, her reputation is shot. Cheating boozing lying … maybe TayTay is a career stylist … too?

And speaking of Miranda, let’s jump to Blake Shelton and his new girlfriend, and newly divorced herself, Gwen Stefani.

After finally saying what everyone knew was true — that they were doing one another — the NBC press train … NBC owns The Voice and therefore owns Stefani and Shelton … made it clear that this new romance started after Gwen split from her husband Gavin Rossdale, except … Gavin doesn’t think so.

Gavin’s theory is that Gwen was on the down-low, turning in that chair with Blake Shelton while they were still married because she was afraid a nasty divorce, and rumors of cheating would cost Gwen a boatload of alimony cash.

Of course, maybe he’s just sour graping because of the song she wrote about him after the split … a song that, as I said a few weeks back, was kinda nasty and not really the kind of song a mother would like her kids to hear her sing about their father. And maybe he’s pissy because folks say she wrote it that way since he was ALLEGEDLY doing the down-low thing with Marilyn …

All this cheating makes for a perfect country song … Get to writin’ it, Blake.

I adore Tim Gunn and here’s just one reason … Tim has once again served the tea — a few weeks back he dished all things Anna Wintour — during an interview where he was asked about Kanye West’s latest fashion collection … and we're holding until the laughter dies down … and he replied like this:

“Well, I’m reminded of the words of a very dear friend of mine, former editor-in-chief of Vogue Grace Mirabella. I think they’re a bunch of dumb clothes. Just basic pieces.”

And Tim then decided to add some juice about that whole Kardastrophe Klan and their ALLEGED fashion sense and influence:

“The whole Kardashian clan doesn’t like me, so. There are large issues for me, such as ‘Why? Why?’. When it comes to fashion, I say to people all the time, if you want guidance for your fashion, just consider this: If a Kardashian is wearing it — don’t. I think it’s vulgar. And I just think given the amount of public exposure that the Kardashians have, to potentially be sending a message to people that you too can dress like this? No.”

I image now that Kanye and That Woman have huddled around a cauldron trying to come up with a potion to make Tim Gunn recant …

It must be a slow news day when has-been actor, and bad toupee wearer, Burt Reynolds rises from his crypt to say something nasty about his ex-wife, Loni Anderson — whom he wed in 1988 and divorced six years later. But, Burt decided twenty-one years later was the perfect time to dish about Loni, whom he calls “The Countess”:

“The Countess bought everything in triplicate. China. Diamonds. Designer gowns. She’d pay $10,000 a pop for the dress. And being ‘the Countess,’ she’d only wear them once because, you know, she couldn’t possibly wear a dress after it had been photographed. She’d say, ‘I have to dress like a star, Burt.’”

And, he says, when he gave her an American Express Platinum Card, she maxed out the $45,000 credit limit in 30 minutes.

Wait. It was just 45K? Reynolds spent more than that in 30 minutes on toupee glue.

Ariana Not-So-Grande has kinda become a star rather quickly — I mean a couple of years ago she was just some prepubescent schoolgirl and now she’s a prepubescent schoolgirl with a record deal. And, along the way there have been all sorts of stories about what a bratty diva bitch she is, from temper tantrums to America-bashing to fan-hating to donut-licking and on and on.

And now this; she was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show in Britain, but didn’t show up ALLEGEDLY because a new Krispy Kreme had opened on the corner and she had Maple Glazed to lick.

Apparently her minions, and by minions, I mean her parents because she doesn’t have to pay them, told Jonathan Ross’ people that she was getting in a car to go over to shoot the episode but then she never arrived; and so Ross trashed the petulant little diva on air:

“Ariana is in town. We were told she would be in the car at 6pm to be here for 7pm then it got to 7pm and she was not in the car – 7.30pm and she is still not in the motherfucking car. So I don’t think we can hold out much hope. I don’t know what it is. We are going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt and not say anything mean or judgmental. I apologise to anyone who might have come along hoping to see her. She was booked but the lazy little fucker has not come. Maybe she has gone to her first Nando’s.”

I imagine now that Arianna has created a Jonathan Ross voodoo doll out of bits of her weave, some donut crumbs, and crusty bits of chicken and will stand outside his apartment wailing like a bird with a broken wing … if she can get there in time.

Robert De Niro is cranky; he’s cranky like “get off my lawn” cranky.

At the Wall Street Journal Innovator Awards in New York last week, a man named Stewart Butterfield — his real name — won an award and during his speech, pointed out all the famous people in the room, and then took aim at De Niro:

"I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane ... when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that."

Robert De Niro didn’t like it, and when he took the stage to present an award to Angelina … need I say Jolie … he went off:

“Whoever the last speaker was ... I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors ... celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”

And then Robert De Niro had Stewart Butterfield offed. Well, maybe not, but he could have; and the lesson is, never speak to De Niro, about De Niro, or look into the eyes of De Niro.

And now for some Food Network gossip … This year ALLEGED adulterer Bobby Flay divorced his wife and ALLEGED adulteress Giada de Laurentiis divorced her husband and the internet went wild that Giada and Bobby would be bumping uglies before the year was out.

Now, maybe not so much. Giada recently admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she would NEVER date Bobby Flay after hot Andy Cohen suggested that there are people out there who want to see these two foodies play hide the chorizo.

“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”

So, is she smarter than dating Bobby Flay or is she smarter than telling Andy Cohen, who never met a tidbit of gossip he didn’t Tweet to death, that she wouldn’t date Flay?

I’m still sensing hanky-panky in the kitchen.

Forget about the Taylor Swift and Katy Perry Feud, because there’s some old school divalicious about Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez.

It seems that JLo’s manager Benny Medina, also represented Mimi from 2003 to 2008, and then tried to get back into her career ruining, I kid, running, I kid, but JLo put the kibosh on it and renegotiated her contract with Medina to include a “No Mariah” clause.

I assumed that clause was standard practice in Hollywood.

I can’t help it … I love girls feuding. Especially when the girls are Vivica Fox and 50 Cent. And to think it all started with the rumors that Vivica once tossed 50’s salad, and the of Fiddy’s ass getting Vivica lip treatment raised its ugly head again when Fox appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked her about Fiddy’s Instagram post that blamed Empire’s second season ratings slump on the “extra gay stuff”:

Andy: What were your thoughts when 50 Cent blamed the second season ratings dip on “gay stuff”?

Vivica: First of all, um, you know the pot calling the kettle black is all I’m saying.

Andy: Pot calling the kettle black… So you’re not insinuating that he’s…  Vivica A. Fox, what are you insinuating?

Vivica: Well, I mean, no, he’s not. I mean, we had a good time. I mean, but he’s just, seems, like he’s got something that’s not quite clear. So….

Andy: You mean sometimes if people protest too much about something, that the actual fire is happening right there in front of them?

Vivica: Yes. Absolutely. I’ll just never forget there was a Vibe cover with him and Soulja Boy that made me go, “Hmm.” I’m just saying…

Andy: So you saw the cover and you thought… Were you with him at the time the cover came out?

Vivica: Absolutely not. Well, he looked like a booty snatcher on that one to me.

And so the feud was off and as soon as that episode of WWHL aired both 50 Cent and Soulja Boy went on the attack against Fox; Soulja Boy Instagrammed a picture of Vivica looking a little rode hard and put away wet … as we say here in Smallville’s horse country … and he added the caption:

“Everybody hit up this cougar...she’s single & ready to mingle …1-800-GrannyDesperateForAttention extension I’mWashedUp”

And then Fiddy took aim:

“Oh No!!!, Now she thinks I’m gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO. Wait, I didn’t want her to, she forced me, and my hands were tied. 50 shades of grey”

Sounds like a lot of protesting to me … and funny that Fiddy and Soulja both came for Vivica. Where there’s smoke, there might be flamers.

Since we already did some Snark Talk this week about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, and when they began banging, and with whom his ex, Miranda Lambert, may have been cheating with, and how her ex, Gavin Rossdale, suspected that Gwen was already riding Blake before his divorce, and before their divorce, except …

Right about the time Gwen and Gavin put the kibosh on their wedded bliss, rumors circulated about Gwen firing the nanny because maybe the nanny was, um, nannying Gavin, too.

And now there seems to be more rumors that, yes, Gavin was boning the nanny, Mindy Mann, for up to three years, including the years that Gwen was knocked up with their youngest kid. Gwen ALLEGEDLY found out about the Nanny Banging when another nanny — how many nannies do these folks need — read a slew of text messages, and saw some nude pics, between Mindy and Gavin on the family iPad.

Damn that technology! It makes it so much harder for bored male celebrities to bang the nanny without their wives finding out.

It's Snarkurday!

Look, let’s get real. We’re all living in fear of crossing paths with Anna Wintour. I still have the stiletto scars on may face from the time she cut in front of at the Piggly Wiggly Express Check-out and she had more than ten items in her buggy — we calls ‘em buggy’s down here in the Deep South, y’all. But there is one man who takes no crap from Wintour and still lives to tell the tale: Tim “Motherf**king” Gunn.

Tim once told us of an event he attended where he watched Anna Wintour’s bodyguards make a fireman’s lock so they could carry her down the stairs and into her car because Anna don’t walk like, or around, regular folks. And Tim doesn’t care that he pissed her off by telling that story because, well, he’s at it again …

He was recently on Meredith Vieira’s show and told Meredith that after he wrote about Anna And The Stairs, her office called his office and demanded that he take it back. And he said, um, ‘No.’ He said he wasn’t trying to be bitchy — and that he knew it was just about getting her Royal High Ass out the building fast — but he wasn’t gonna pretend it didn’t happen:

“I said it wasn’t a matter of not being able to go down the stairs to descend, it was a matter of speed. She had two bodyguards, who made a firemen’s lock, she sat in it. They wooshed her down these stairs and put her right into her car to get to another fashion show because this fashion show was in the fifth floor of the Metropolitan Pavilion. They had to move her fast. She’s a history revisionist, in her mind it never happened basically.”

And he isn’t a’scurred that his storytelling has ruined his relationship with Vogue, because he says it’s a hostile work environment over there … oh snap again … and he would want to be on their good side anyway. And then he dished more Wintour Dirt:

“I was [once] on an airplane with Anna Wintour and the flight attendant came up to me and said, ‘Is that Anna Wintour?’ And I said, ‘Yes. It is.’ She asked, ‘Do you think I can say hello to her?’ I said, ‘Well of course. Who wouldn’t want you to greet them? That would be lovely."

The flight attendant went over and a man sitting next to Wintour stood up, put out his hand — thinking he was Diana and this was “Stop! In The name Of Love” —  and said to her, ‘You have to go away, Miss’ because speaking to Anna Wintour when you’re —i n her mind — a Sky Maid, is the Height of Disrespect.

And Tim finished that story by saying he isn’t worried about Anna getting revenge on him.

“She can try to turn me to stone. I don’t think it will happen.”

But she hurls a mean stiletto and I have the facial scar to prove it.

So, Tom Cruise and his ex-beard Nicole Kidman’s daughter Isabella Cruise married an ALLEGED non-Scientologist Max Parker last week in a low-key ceremony. That Tommy ALLEGEDLY refused to attend because Max might not drink the Kool-Aid. Nicole wasn’t there either because Isabella did not invite either of her parents to the ceremony.

Of course, because he hates bad press, Tom released a statement saying he was “cool” with not being invited to his daughter’s wedding and that he paid for the whole shebang and doesn’t really care if Max hasn’t ordered a ticket for the Xenu Spaceship.

But there are conflicting stories that Nicole did attend and Tom did not, or that Tom attended while Nicole was snubbed. Depending on whom you read, Radar, TMZ, ET, ISBL, D-Listed, Tommy was there, or he wasn’t; Nicole was there or she didn’t even know it was happening. It was a big Scientology event, or it was an escape attempt.

Either way that is one dysfunctional family.

Oh Hugh Grant.

Over the past four years, he’s been having babies nonstop with two different women; the first, Tinglan Hong, a sometime lover who birthed his baby when they weren’t even dating back in 2011. Then, while they were still not a couple, but a couple of parents to a child, Hugh banged Tinglan again and she had another child.

But, in between Tinglan’s first and second surprise Hugh Grant Impregnations, he knocked up a Swedish woman named Anna Eberstein and they had a son in 2012. Now, it appears that while Tinglan was just a booty call that gave birth ... twice … Anna is a real girlfriend; albeit the kind a guy has when he wants a woman at home and still wants to bang one-offs when he’s bored because now Anna is pregnant again with Hugh’s baby.

So, it goes Tinglan, Anna, Tinglan, Anna, in birth order for Hugh, which means Tinglan best be ready to put a new duvet on the non-matrimonial bed.

You never hear gossip about Claire Danes, unless it’s old gossip come to light because there’s a new season of Homeland to promote.

Danes was on Howard Stern this week and told the tale of how, way back in Ott-Three, she stole Billy Crudup away from his pregnant-at-the-time girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker.

But now, I guess, since it’s been twelve years or so, when Claire was asked about the scandal, she gave it all a sort of “shit happens” excuse:

Howard: When you decided to date … Billy Crudup … he was a married guy and just had a kid, and you start dating him. Of course, he’s getting shit for it and all that. Is that such a scary thing because people are judging you?

Claire: Yeah, that was a scary thing. That was really hard.

Howard: When you go through something like that, are you thinking of your career? Are you like, “What am I doing?” Because people are so goddamn judgmental and all of this stuff?

Claire: Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t know how to not do that. I was just in love with him and needed to explore that. And I was 24, didn’t quite know what those consequences might be.

WTF? She wasn’t some teenager, she was a grown-assed woman who met a married man with a pregnant girlfriend and just decided to bang him and take him away from his family because, well, that happens? I always thought Claire was a smart one, but I guess not when she’s thinking with her lady parts.

Oh, and lest you think I’m going easy on Crudup, think again: he was a dick, too.

One of the reasons Tommy might not, or might have, or might not have, been at his daughter’s wedding is that that he’s busy is selling off his property.

Earlier this year he listed a compound in the Hollywood Hills for $13 million, apparently evicting his sister who lived there in the process, and now he’s selling his Telluride Nuthouse for, wait a sec, $59 million, along with his personal Beverly Hills manse for the bargain price of $50 million.

Why, Tommy, why? Are there more stories of your ALLEGED gay-etude coming out and you’ll need cash for lawyers or, is it someone more Xenu?

Rumor has it that Tommy is estranged from some of his family members — perhaps the non-Scientology ones — and no longer wants them living on his properties, so he’s selling the homes, loading the truck and moving to … Florida, a home to Scientology wacknuts and close to his “dear friend” John Travolta.

I wonder if this is going where it sure as hell looks like it’s going …. Tommy and Johnny canoodling on a Sunshine State beach?

Oh yeah … ALLEGEDLY.

Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal this week yesterday morning during one of his regular check-ups with Canada Border Services. He’d applied for permanent residency in Canada in 2013 but was denied due to felony vandalism charges he faces in Santa Barbara and then ran away from to live up north. He was supposed to go a hearing with the Immigration and Refugee Board, but skipped out on that, hence the arrest.

And apparently Canadian Border officials are giving him the boot from their country because, well, wacknut criminal and all. He was ordered to get out by Wednesday and will most likely be deported back to the US next week. And he’s good with that because he now says he wants to deal with the charges in Santa Barbara and move on with his life.

Except … when Randy and his wife Evi escaped Santa Barbara for Canada he said that they were running from a group called the Hollywood Star Whackers who were murdering famous types and who were going to murder him next. And now he’s saying that although he called them “Star Whackers” he doesn’t think an actual mafia of killers is trying to murder him. He just means that there are powerful people in Hollywood who are mean to him.

Um, uh huh. Canada wins again. We got Bieber and Celine Dion and now they’re making us take Quaid back, too?

Damn them and their universal healthcare.

A few months back John Stamos was pulled over after several people called 911 to report that his silver Mercedes was swerving all over the place. He was ALLEGEDLY pretty drunk and was arrested and booked and released and sent to rehab all min the space of about an hour.

Now, the Los Angeles District Attorney will charge him with a DUI but there are new bits of the story; like the fact that Stamos was ALLEGEDLY under the influence of GHB, AKA a date rape drug.

A source close to Stamos — does Lohan sell GHB — says he wasn’t roofied and he wasn’t taking it to get high, but was using a date rape drug to “lean out his body mass,” so he could be body hot-ready for Fuller House; apparently all the bodybuilders do it, so skinny ass Stamos tried it too.

I’m’a hafta go, Uh Huh on this one.