Why Is It ...

… that no one ever told me rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive

… that people don’t realize the biggest joke on mankind is that computers are now asking us to prove we aren’t robots.

… that while money can’t buy happiness it’s easier to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

…that people need to know that if they have a problem with me they can always call me, but if you don’t have my number you clearly don’t know me well enough to have a problem

… that Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant but we’re trying for world peace.

… that when a co-worker muttered something about profanity being low class, all I could think to say was, “Apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?”

… that sometimes it blows my mind to realize that I was the most qualified sperm

… that sometimes you have to keep forgiving them while searching for someone to replace them; it’s called elimination by substitution

… that one minute you’re young and the next you have a favorite pharmacy

… that people should learn that self-care isn’t always chocolate and Netflix, sometimes it’s getting out of bed and doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chickens to appease the thing that lives in the attic

Bobservations

This Tale of Tuxedo is from June 2009 and entitled The Tuesday Tuxedo:

I loves me some Tuxedo.

We rescued him from life as a blood donor in an animal hospital in Miami. They said he was mean; unadoptable....is that a word? Nothing but trouble. And he was, for the first few days.

Now, four years later he's a loving cat who follows you around the house, sits in the kitchen when you cook, and plays catch the reflection in the bathroom before we go to bed.

He's my boy. I call him 'My boy' just to irk Carlos, and it does.

But anyway, enough of the love story between me and el gato. What I wanted to point out was how he sits at the top of the chair in our home office; his hind claws dug in for support and his front legs dangling down either side.

Cute. Right?

Not so much. He sits like that because he was declawed by a veterinarian who thought it might make him a better candidate for adoption. You know, less mean and aggressive. So they cut off his fingers; cat's claws are not like our fingernails, they are like our fingers. Cats use them to scratch and groom themselves, to pick up things, to play with things, and for protection. Cutting off his fingers wasn't a good idea. It didn't make him less aggressive, it made him more aggressive because now he has only his back feet and claws to use as a defense.

So, if you have a cat or want a cat, don't, don't, let anyone talk you into cutting off their fingers. If you want to declaw a cat because you have a leather sofa, or pretty velvet drapes, then either get rid of the cat or get rid of the couch and drapes. Or do like Carlos and I have done, train your cats not to claw the furniture. Because even though they don't show it, they are listening.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

When bullets fly where old powerful white men gather, suddenly a ballroom is a necessary solution but when school kids are targeted those same old powerful white men are speechless. 

Ernie Dosio, a millionaire big game hunter was out shooting yellow-backed duiker, a species of antelope, in Gabon when he and his guide surprised five female elephants with a calf in the Lope-Okanda rainforest.

He was trampled to death by that herd of elephants; the guide was left severely injured in the attack.

Sorry, not sorry.

Instead of going after Comey for a photo of seashells, they should be investigating the current President for threatening to kill an entire civilization.

PS 86 is a restaurant term for being out of something—86 soup means you’re out of soup—it has never meant kill.

Former Friends star Lisa Kudrow has revealed what kind of residuals the stars are earning now, twenty years after the show ended its run.

Sidenote: the cast renegotiated their contracts after the first year as a team so they would all be paid the same amount of money and each received $1 million an episode.

Now, as the show thrives in reruns each Friend still collects a whopping $20 million a year in residuals.

I knew I should have gotten the part on that show when I auditioned, but they went with Aniston instead!

Bobby Kennedy shared a screenshot of his father, RFK Jr.’s message after the “shooting” over the weekend; Bobby wrote:

"Pops you OK"

RFK Jr.'s current wife, actor Cheryl Hines, responded:

"Yes! Was crazy! Bobby’s security team came in so fast & took us out of the building. They were lifting me over chairs!"

When RFK Jr. finally responded, he gave his status:

"im really hungry"

Doesn’t sound so dangerous after all.

Luc Defont-Saviard is a prominent French fashion model recognized for his work with top luxury brands and international fashion houses and who lives in Nice, France; Nice is nice so Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that old people always want to remind you how much harder they worked in their day but get annoyed when I remind them that in their day soda had cocaine in it.

… that whatever life throws at me, I duck and let it hit someone else.

… that there are times when I love doing a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut for example!

… that I need to remind myself to normalize throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up

… that when people tell me I have a crazy sense of humor I always says, “Thanks. I would have been lobotomized in the 1940s!”

… that I’d like to thank my bestie for being friends with me; it’s a baffling decision but Thanks!

… that when someone tells me that swearing is unattractive, I say, “I wasn’t trying to attract you, now fuck off.”

… that I have days when I wonder if I sit in rice if it will fix me.

… that y’all need  to realize you don’t want to break anyone’s heart because they just have the one. Go for the bones, cuz there’s like 206 of them.

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

Why Is It ...

… that as I was sitting in my car the other day, a person came up to my driver’s window and shouted, “I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,” and all I could think to say was, “Can I get my burger and fries? You’re holding up the drive thru.”

… that hearing my voice in a recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I’ve ever spoken to.

… that everyone forgets that I am neither a morning person nor a night person but I do have a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m decent and that’s about it.

… that y’all need to remember that if I go missing there will be no need to go searching the hiking trails

… that there are days when I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t even wanna be human, I just want to be a goat and eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

 … that no one sees that I have a really good heart, but it comes with a side of attitude and zero patience

… that no one listens to my life tips, like … if you rob a bank you will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next ten years, regardless of your success.

… that you should know to stay away from me if you’re sensitive because I will roast you for sport

… that you need to know how to be comfortable in your own skin because it’s a crime to wear someone else’s

… that I know how to treat people right but I also know how to walk a dog; the choice is yours.

Why Is It ...

… that I get no credit whatsoever for helping people deal with a trying time. I mean, instead of saying “Fuck off,” I always ask, “How can I help you fuck off?”

… that people don’t understand that Facebook is just a tool for me to be a menace to society

… that people always come up to me with their feel good granola kumbaya motivational crap but when I say to them, “Reach for the stars because even if you miss you’ll be miles away from me,” they call me mean.

… that people don’t see that while I am a red flag the material is quality

... that whenever I go to a shop selling essential oils and ask for the one that calms people down, they me offer lilac or some shiz and not the Chloroform I asked for

… that anyone who has distanced themselves from me, I kindly say, ‘Stay there, and Thank you.’

… that I know I don’t have to be so sarcastic but the world has given me so much to work and I would hate to be wasteful.

… that one of my toxic traits is saying “Nice talk” after saying something and it gets ignored.

… that when a co-worker asked why I was so irritated since I’d just clocked in, I said, ‘It’s spillover from yesterday. MOVE!’

… that when I first meet people I’m very shy, then boom! I’m a whole podcast with no mute button or Off switch.

Happy New Year

I love a New Year.

A fresh start, so to speak, and the thought of infinite possibilities, even though there is that darkness of anger and racism and greed all around us. But maybe I am a bit of a Pollyanna, I believe the times are changing; people are growing tired of division and hate, of billionaires complaining, tired of religion as politics, tired of faith being used as a weapon against women, immigrants, people of color and LGBTQ+ people.

Think of what might happen if women and people of color, immigrants and LGBTQ+ Americans, along with our allies, all stood up and voted every single time; think of the changes we could make in this country … equality, fairness, acceptance.

And, while the numbers may be adding up faster than I ever thought possible, I like the idea of being another year older, and another year wiser; okay, maybe not that older shiz. As I once told my sister, who thought I never looked any older, The Gays aren't allowed to age, so I don't mind the extra year under the belt … as long as it doesn’t puddle over my belt.

I look back on the past years, remembering the good times, the tough times, the bad and sad times, because they are all a part of life. I still wake up every morning, look out the window to that spot beneath the trees and say Hello to Tuxedo and then whisper Goodnight at the end of the day; I still miss the Pocket Dog racing through the house like a small black blur; and I miss MaxGoldberg, heavy as a cinderblock, sleeping on me at night. I still wonder every Sunday if my Dad will call for our weekly chats, but when he doesn’t, I just talk to him myself.

And even while looking back, I also look forward to doing more, and learning more, thinking more, reading more, loving more, laughing more. These aren't resolutions, as I don't make resolutions because when I do, they last about as long as it takes me to say ‘resolution.’ These are promises and wishes, hopes and dreams, positive thoughts that 2026 will be a far better year for all of us, around the world, than 2025.

So, I'll leave you all to have a good day, with a repost of some New Year’s Day thoughts:

The more things change :::blibbety blah blay bloo touch me::: the more they remain the same:  I am a believer in happiness. My parents raised their children to believe that happiness is all we really get in life, and that everything else follows. 

Things don't make us happy, at least not for long. And you can't expect people to make you happy either; you either have it to begin with, and others add to it, or you don't. If you don't believe that, just look around at all the sad, angry, lonely faces you pass on the street. Happiness is something you possess, that you give out, and get back. But we are each responsible for our own happiness; responsible to find it, to hold on to it; to nurture it and share it.

Without happiness in ourselves, for being ourselves, how can we expect to live fully and completely? We suffer loss every day; I've had my share and, sad to say, I know there's more to come, but I feel happy in the memories I have of those who've gone on ahead. I still, even as I reread this from years past, mourn the loss of my father; he would have loved the Dodgers winning the World Series and he would have screamed at America once again for believing a liar.

I like to think things will get better, though it might not be the better I was thinking it would be, but I have seen tough times and I have seen them get better, so I will remain hopeful, because of the things I have learned.

I learned, from my Father the Teacher, never to stop learning and reading and speaking and, well, ranting; the more you learn, the more you grow, and understand, the more happiness you can accept. I've also learned that the best thing you can do for the people you love is to be there when they need you.

I learned, from my Mother the Nurturer, to care for things, for people, for animals, for life; to make each day better for those around us, and to make it better for ourselves in the end. I have learned to hold family close; never let them go; whether it's the family you were born into, or the family you created out of necessity; hold on to them, and protect them, and love them. 

I learned, from my Sister the Temper, to speak up; why sit quietly and let things happen to you? Stand up and demand the things you want, the happiness you want. Don't settle. 

I learned, from my Brother … well, let’s just say he taught me that people change dramatically … they ignore science, even after contracting COVID; that people who never voted will support a traitorous rapist racist. He taught me that people change, and not always for the better, but we are all human and perhaps one day he will change again.

I learned from the Blog People that, while we all may have different lives and different backgrounds and different ideas, we can communicate and listen and learn. I thank all of you for your blogs and the things you say that make me laugh and smile, cry and rant, learn, and even sometimes sing and dance.

I learned from the pets we lost in the last few years ... MaxGoldberg, Tuxedo, and Ozzo ... and the others we've lost through the years that sheer, unmitigated joy and pure unconditional love are real things to be accepted and given right back. 

I learned, from my Husband the Optimist, how to actually let go and be in love and damn the torpedoes; how to be open and honest and know that it won't hurt; how to love yourself, and everyone around you; how to take what you’re given, the good and the bad, and live with it, and adapt to it. His eyesight is almost nearly gone and yet he soldiers on, telling people that he may be losing his eyesight, but not his vision.

So, I once again realize that I have learned to be happy; I've earned happiness and I am responsible for keeping it. It is, after all, all you really get in life.

Happy. New Year.

xoxo

Bob, Carlos, Consuelo and Rosita.

Why Is It ...

… that if you’re someone who has left my life, please do not bother hitting me with that ‘Merry Christmas” text. You are Feliz Navidead to me.

… that the only thing that has been consistent this whole year is the “What the Fuck”

… that being able to respond to sarcasm within seconds of hearing a stupid question is actually a sign of a really healthy brain

… that I am at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

… that, at the work safety meeting today, no one liked when I was asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire and I replied, “Fucking big ones!:

… that all that’s left when I run out of fucks to give is fuckdust.

… that new people at work always feel the need to tell me that they “love my energy” and I always feel the need to reply, “Is that why you’re draining it?”

… that no one realizes that when they see me on the street, it’s AI.

… that since I don’t want to end this years on bad terms with anyone, go ahead and apologize to me now.

… that because my mother raised me with manners I always know which fork to use at a formal dinner, but because she also didn’t raise a fool, I what artery to stick it into  so you’ll bleed out in one minute.

Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

Why Is It ...

… that when someone says they don’t like me, I instantly check my pay stub to see if it makes a difference.

… that my favorite childhood memory is when the bills didn’t have my name on them.

… that many people have told me that I have two faults: the first is that I don’t listen and the second is ... some other shiz they were rattling on about.

… that most people don’t realize that the worst thing about parallel parking is the witnesses.

… that when someone is rude to me in the grocery store and then they get behind me in line, I invite everyone behind them to go ahead of me; today I had the time.

… that I am not looking for a staycation but a maycation; I may come back, I may not.

… the people who think I’m too much need to go find less; I’m not running a clearance sale here.

… that while I get paid to be nice at work I don’t understand why my friends and family think they should get that shiz for free.

… that, while I am no chef, I can really stir the pot.

… that people often to say they're ‘happy as a clam’? A clam?? You mean those tiny things with no brain that chill on the bottom of the ocean all day in their own little private shells and have absolutely no concept of what’s going on in the … oh, nevermind, I get it now.

Why Is It ...

… that when I think of Maddie, I always think, ‘Let the fun begin’ … wait, that’s not right. Oh, yeah, I think, ‘Let the fun be gin.’

… that people never learn that, before they try to hurt my feelings, take into consideration that I don’t have any and they probably do.

… that nothing brings out my inner sarcasm like being asked stupid questions at work.

… that people always ask why I post so many memes; short answer: I don’t have the body for an OnlyFans. Next question, please.

… that I often wonder if clouds look down on people and think, ‘That one is shaped like an idiot.’

… that people should remember that if I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. Right after cashing that check I will be moving to a rich neighborhood.

… that it’s a 5 minute walk to the bar but a 45 minute walk home … the difference is staggering.

… that no one realizes how much I hate when they ring my doorbell because then I have to drop to the floor, lay there in silence and pretend I’m not home.

… that seeing people walk out of my life is really painful because I want to see them run.

Why Is It ...

… that no one is surprised that I am stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out that it wasn’t for me, but I appreciate the opportunity.

… that people don’t realize that I’m a nice person until they hit the Bitch Button.

… that when someone asks if I ever think before I post something nasty, I always say, ‘Yeah, and I even laugh and kick my feet a little.’

… that I sometimes feel as if my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure they like me.

… that when someone asks me if I’m an early bird or a night owl I tell them I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

… that while friends bring you happiness, best friends bring you tequila.

… that I sometimes think I might be the only person that pauses the music to see if the siren is in the song or behind me.

… that no one appreciates it when I give away free samples of my attitude.

… that nearly every morning I wish for someone to go into work for me; just walk in and act like me, no one will notice.

… that my friends keep forgetting that if we are in a non-laughing situation, they should not be looking at me.

Why Is It ...

… that people need to accept what’s good in their lives … like me, I’m a f*cking delight.

… that we all have that one friend that we literally have to tell them to ‘be nice’ before we introduce them to a new person; or is that just directed at me.

… that sometimes I want to call into work and say, ‘My mom said I can’t come.’

… that no one realizes that I don’t care if I’m not their cup of tea; I’d rather be gasoline and set shiz on fire.

… that when someone asks me how I sleep at night knowing there are some people out there that don’t like me, I say, ‘I sleep with no underwear on in case they want to kiss me ass.’

… that people need to learn that it’s really important, especially in the morning, to shut up.

… that with so many things coming back into style, I cannot wait until morals and intelligence start trending again.

… that more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the lest you work so stay hydrated and follow me for more work tips.

… that one of my hobbies is having no time for bullsh*t

… that the other day Carlos turned to me and said, ‘I was talking to you and you yawned six times. Am I boring you?” And I said, ‘Those weren’t yawns, they were six unsuccessful attempts to speak.’

Why Is It ...

… that, based on the amount of laundry I do every week, I starting to think there are people living here that I haven’t met yet.

… that we all have that one friend that  you need to tell “be nice” before introducing them to anyone new; and, yeah, I’m that friend who needs to be told.

… that if we’re only talking about looks I think I’m a good 7, but if you factor in sense of humor, personality and values I’m a decent 2.

… that when someone says to me, “I never see you around” I respond with, “I know, I make sure of it.”

… that friends need to know that if I don’t text back it’s because they didn’t say anything interesting.

… that I have only just realized that one aspect of adulthood is the rage I feel when they rearrange my grocery store.

… that some people will text me at 2AM asking what I’m doing , and I respond “I’m outside negotiating a peace treaty with a racoon.”

Happy New Year

I love a New Year.

A fresh start, so to speak, and the thought of infinite possibilities, even though there is that darkness of anger and racism and greed all around us. But maybe I am a bit of a Pollyanna, I believe times are changing; people are growing tired of division and hate, of billionaires complaining, tired of religion as politics, tired of faith being used as a weapon against women, immigrants, people of color and LGBTQ+ people.

Think of what might happen if women and people of color, immigrants and LGBTQ+ Americans, along with our allies, all stood up and voted every single time; think of the changes we could make in this country … equality, fairness, acceptance.

And, while the numbers may be adding up faster than I ever thought possible, I like the idea of being another year older, and another year wiser; okay, maybe not that older shiz. As I once told my sister, who thought I never looked any older, The Gays aren't allowed to age, so I don't mind the extra year under the belt … as long as it doesn’t puddle over my belt.

I look back on the past year, remembering the good times, the tough times, the bad and sad times, because they are all a part of life. I still wake up every morning, look out the window to his spot beneath the trees and say Hello to Tuxedo and then whisper Goodnight atm the end of the day; I still miss the Pocket Dog racing through the house like a small black blur; and I miss MaxGoldberg, heavy as a cinderblock, sleeping on me at night.

And yet while looking back, I also look forward to doing more, and learning more, thinking more, reading more, loving more, laughing more. These aren't resolutions, as I don't make resolutions because when I do, they last about as long as it takes me to say ‘resolution.’ These are promises and wishes, hopes and dreams, positive thoughts that 2025 will be a far better year for all of us, around the world, than 2024.

So, I'll leave you all to have a good day, with a repost of some New Year’s Day thoughts:

The more things change :::blibbety blah blay bloo touch me::: the more they remain the same:  I am a believer in happiness. My parents raised their children to believe that happiness is all we really get in life, and that everything else follows. 

Things don't make us happy, at least not for long. And you can't expect people to make you happy either; you either have it to begin with, and others add to it, or you don't. If you don't believe that, just look around at all the sad, angry, lonely faces you pass on the street. Happiness is something you possess, that you give out, and get back. But we are each responsible for our own happiness; responsible to find it, to hold on to it; to nurture it and share it.

Without happiness in ourselves, for being ourselves, how can we expect to live fully and completely? We suffer loss every day; I've had my share and, sad to say, I know there's more to come, but I feel happy in the memories I have of those who've gone on ahead. I still, even as I reread this from years past, mourn the loss of my father; he would have loved the Dodgers winning the World Series and he would have screamed at America once again for believing a liar.

I like to think things will get better, though it might not be the better I was thinking it would be, but I have seen tough times and I have seen them get better, so I will remain hopeful, because of the things I have learned.

I learned, from my Father the Teacher, never to stop learning and reading and speaking and, well, ranting; the more you learn, the more you grow, and understand, the more happiness you can accept. I've also learned that the best thing you can do for the people you love is to be there when they need you.

I learned, from my Mother the Nurturer, to care for things, for people, for animals, for life; to make each day better for those around us, and to make it better for ourselves in the end. I have learned to hold family close; never let them go; whether it's the family you were born into, or the family you created out of necessity; hold on to them, and protect them, and love them. 

I learned, from my Sister the Temper, to speak up; why sit quietly and let things happen to you? Stand up and demand the things you want, the happiness you want. Don't settle. 

I learned, from my Brother … well, let’s just say he taught me that people change dramatically … they ignore science, even after contracting COVID; that people who never voted will support a traitorous rapist racist. He taught me that people change, and not always for the better, but we are all human and perhaps one day he will change again.

I learned from the Blog People that, while we all may have different lives and different backgrounds and different ideas, we can communicate and listen and learn. I thank all of you for your blogs and the things you say that make me laugh and smile, cry and rant, learn, and even sometimes sing and dance.

I learned from the pets we lost in the last year or so ... MaxGoldberg, Tuxedo, and Ozzo ... and the ones we've lost through the years that sheer, unmitigated joy and pure unconditional love are real things to be accepted and given right back. 

I learned, from my Husband the Optimist, how to actually let go and be in love and damn the torpedoes; how to be open and honest and know that it won't hurt; how to love yourself, and everyone around you; how to take what you’re given, the good and the bad, and live with it, and adapt to it. His eyesight continues to worsen with each passing year and yet he soldiers on, telling people that he may be losing his eyesight, but not his vision.

So, I once again realize that I have learned to be happy; I've earned happiness and I am responsible for keeping it. It is, after all, all you really get in life.

Happy. New Year.

xoxo

Bob, Carlos, Consuelo and Rosita.

Why Is It ...

… that I really really really want to put that big “Ahhhaaaaaaahhh” from Defying Gravity on my phone so that when I’m in a conversation and someone says something annoying I can play it and then pretend to fly away.

.… that people don’t understand that while I seem real laid back, I lean forward pretty quickly.

… that I feel grateful for my resting bitch face because it has saved me from so many conversations I wanted no part of.

… that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not speaking to me

… that I say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it was a Good Morning I’d still be in bed asleep instead of talking to people.

… that what other people call “Holding grudges,” I call, “I saw who you are and I am not unseeing it.”

… that no one heeds my warning label: May bite before coffee … and maybe after, too.

… that people need to learn that we cannot hang out if they’re going to cry when the cops put us in handcuffs.

… that most people don’t realize they’re the reason there are directions on shampoo bottles.

… that my brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can’t remember my password.

… that right after I say, “Since we’re being funny …” one of my friends always removes me from the room.

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t understand that blowing the powdered sugar off a donut is part of my healthy eating plan.

… that I used to be a people person until people ruined it for me.

… that I don’t like this phase of my life where I Google a celebrity and find out they’re younger than me.

… that my circle of friends is so small that when my phone rings I already know who it is.

… that when I was dating, the guys never realized they they got a comedian, a chef and a mental patient all rolled into one.

… that most days I feel like putting an ‘Out of Order’ sign on my head and giving up.

… that co-workers don’t get it that if I call in sick to work they shouldn’t ask me what’s wrong because what’s wrong is I’m sick of all of them.

… that sometimes I want to throw cow poop on people to fertilize them so they’ll grow up.

… that when I was younger my housekeeping style was best described as “there seems to have been a struggle.”

… that no one gets the fact that if you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it had better be a food truck.

… that no one remembers that putting me on speaker phone is taking a huge risk.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that they shouldn’t be rude to me as my rude will out-rude your rude and I will make you cry.

… that I don’t know how some people can fake their feelings. I can’t even fake a Hello to someone I don’t like.

… that I love a piping hot cup of coffee on a cold morning because it warms up the evil in me.

… that since they say that age comes from wisdom, I tell people I don’t have wrinkles, I have wise cracks.

… that with age comes the ability not to give a rat’s ass.

… that I always tell people different stories about my life, so that when they gossip me they all start to argue.

… that I am not as unhinged as I could be and y’all should be grateful for that.

… that most people are scared to say stuff, but I’m not and that’s why only three people like me.

Why Is It ...

… that I just realized that run spelled backwards is nur … and it’s a nur from me?

… that one of my toxic traits is assuming that people have common sense and then getting mad when they don’t.

… that most people don’t like it when I give away free samples of my attitude?

… that instead of cleaning the house, I turn on an episode of Hoarders and think, ‘Well, my house looks pretty good.’

… that people don’t understand that I don’t actually curse … I ‘m simply fluent in Trucker, with a Sailor dialect and a Construction accent.

… that it only takes one slowing walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person?

… that when people say they like my personality, I say, ‘Thanks, I have six more.’

… that I love having a best friend that, when people see us together, say, ‘Oh my god, there’s two of them.’

… that I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee and say ‘Fuck’ a lot.

Why Is It ...

… that everyone needs to know that you don’t come to my house unannounced because I will just stare at you from my window.

… that when it’s nearly midnight and I remember that the sheets and duvet cover are still in the dryer, I think it’d be easier just to book a hotel for the night?

… that no one wants to rehome me. I mean, I’m tired of adulting and I’m housebroken, so what’s the issue?

… that I can be social for like three minutes but then I don’t wanna talk to anyone for four days?

… that people who tell me that I need to relax don’t know that the best I can do is dissociate?

… that my favorite colors are Black. Dark Black. Pitch Black. Pastel Black, Light Black. And Faded Black. Is it because they match my mood?

… that people often mistake me for an adult? Is it because of my age?