The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Jesse Duquette, Matt Davies, RJ Matson, Max Espinoza, Michael de Adder, Lalo Alcaraz, Gary Huck, Daniel Boris

Random Musings

So, maybe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is, as Britney used to say, “not so innocent.”

The prosecutors in the BridgeGate trial—where Christie is accused of closing lanes on the George Washington Bridge, backing up traffic for days, because a Democrat didn’t endorse him—say Christie knew all about it.

Maybe when he gets sent to prison he can try the Teresa Giudice Diet and come out of the slammer a new, slimmer version of his asshatted self?

Let me make this queer: if your idea of protesting the police shootings of black men is to bust into a store and steal something, you are not a protester, you are a thief.

M'kay? You are part of the problem. Take a seat while the grownups talk.

Hot Men … new TV Season.

We watched a movie last weekend called Common, a BBC film about England's controversial “joint enterprise doctrine” wherein someone can be jailed for, say, a murder, without having taken part in the crime at all. Interesting movie, but the hottie that starred as the teenager who was jailed for murder though he had nothing to do with it is one hot Nico Mirallegro, top right.

Then, whilst watching the Emmys, when Veep won as Outstanding Comedy, I spotted a hot man standing in the back ground. I had no idea who he was, perhaps a writer or producers or something, but the next day I saw a video and there he was, being interviewed. He’s Reid Scott, top middle, and he has some dreamy eyes!

Also winningly handsome at the Emmys was Sterling K. Brown, top right  — he was Chris Darden in The People v OJ  — and he’s starring in a new show called This Is Us. And, also in that show, man can I segue or what, is Milo Ventimiglia, bottom left, swarthy and sexy.  

Finally, in the last episode of the season for Major Crimes, we met Daniel Di Tomasso, bottom middle, as a new detective in the squad, and Jamie Martz, bottom right, as a white supremacist, drug dealing, gun running, real estate slumlord; his character was ugly on the inside but hot on the outside … where it counts.

I kid … ?

_____ believes that, in the wake of the recent bombings in New York and New Jersey, that we should be able to racially profile Muslims.

Okay then, let’s do it, but then let’s also racially profile the white guys, like the one who murdered nine people in a Charleston church, or the one who shot up a Planned parenthood in Colorado, or the one who blew up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

What’s good for the goose …

So, Mistress Maddie wanted the scoop on the Ceiling Fan Installation at Casa Bob y Carlos because she thought there might be more to the story …

Well, there isn’t; though Carlos and I have been snippy and snappy and pissy and bitchy whilst doing other home renovations projects, we each took the high road this time and even laughed about the mistakes we made.

Like … trying to assemble the first ceiling fan while standing on either side of the same ladder and holding the pieces in our hands. I suggested that, for the second one, we build it on the kitchen island, and then hold just one completed fan motor and bracket on the ladder.

Like … I told Carlos to read all the instructions, and then we did … except for page 7, which dealt with the remote control. I was all Holy $&^#, do we really need a remote control for a fan? So, we left it off, until we realized that this new modern version has just one way of controlling fan speed … via the remote control. So we had to remove the top cover and detach the wiring and then slip in the receiver and reattach the wires to that, and then replace the top cover, and, Voila!, adjustable fans via remote control.

But again, and I cannot stress this enough, no husbands were physically hurt, or got their feelings hurt, during the installation!

Hate costs, North Carolina, and it’s cost you almost $400 million dollars … most of it from sporting organizations like the NBA, NCAA AND ACC who have pulled their events from the state in light of your anti-LGBT Hate Bill.

You can thank your governor, the soon-to-be-run-out-of-office, Pat McCrory.

Speaking of North Carolina and Hate … Despite pressure from business leaders and Governor Hate, er, McCrory, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts, above at Charlotte Pride, says the city will not repeal its anti-LGBT ordinance, which led to HB2 because the state’s General Assembly doesn’t need Charlotte to rescind its ordinance in order to repeal HB2.

The ordinance, which was nullified by HB2, extended anti-discrimination protection to the LGBT community and would have allowed transgender people to use the bathroom or locker room of their gender identity.

Legislative leaders had made dropping the ordinance a condition for repealing HB2, and yet these same legislators accuse sports groups of using extortion to get the bill dropped?

Pot.Kettle.STFU.

In the You’ll Never Hear Of Me Doing This … apparently some men, some men, are having Botox injected into their … gimme a minute, this hurts … their scrotum, and the numbers are on the rise!

The operation, which can cost up to $3,600, eases sweaty balls, lessens the appearance of wrinkles, and makes the scrotum appear larger by helping the muscles relax.

Huh. My nut-sack could be smooth as a baby’s bottom, look much larger and not glisten?

Yeah, still not gonna do it.

Now for some bad news … apparently the “5 Second Rule” is not true!!

Professor Donald Schaffner, a food microbiologist at Rutgers said, following a two-year study, that no matter how fast you pick up food that falls on the floor, you will pick up bacteria with it.

It took them two years to figure that one out?

Rump Jr. sent out this Tweet in the wake of the New York and New Jersey bombings this week:

He was instantly castigated for being the dick that he is … cuz, you know, he was born in the Dick Tree:

And then Skittles weighed in to remind Little Junior that Skittles are candy, not people:

But here’s the sick part …this kind of analogy has been used for years by white supremacists to overgeneralize about various minority groups. It was used on message boards and as social media memes — originally used M&Ms was the candy in question — but that changed after George Zimmerman gunned down Trayvon Martin while he was walking home from buying a drink and … oh yes … some Skittles.

But the poisoned candy analogy goes back even further, to an anti-Semitic children’s book published by Julius Streicher, publisher of the Nazi newspaper Der Stürmer, who was executed in 1946 as a war criminal:

“Just as poisonous mushrooms spring up everywhere, so the Jew is found in every country in the world. Just as poisonous mushrooms often lead to the most dreadful calamity, so the Jew is the cause of misery and distress, illness and death.”

So Little Rump’s disgusting analogy isn’t just unoriginal and demeaning and stupid and hate-filled and xenophobic and asshatted — it’s also racist.

That’s The Rump Klan in a nutshell.

'Stand Your Ground' Apparently Only Applies To Non-Black People In Florida

I had a rant building in me once I heard the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case. And it grew stronger when I learned that the evidence in the case was being released and that George Zimmerman would get back his gun murder weapon. And it reached a boiling point when Robert Zimmerman, George’s brother who wants to coattail on the case for his fifteen minutes of fame, suggested to CNN that he was sorry that Trayvon Martin had ‘lost’ his life; I wanted to reach into my TV, grab Robert Zimmerman by the throat and remind him that Trayvon didn’t lose his life, his life was TAKEN by George Zimmerman. His life was taken from him.

I had a rant. I had rage. And then I heard this: 

Also down in Florida, Marissa Alexander of Jacksonville, was trying to defend herself from an abusive husband and grabbed a gun and fired warning shots inside her home to scare him away.

She was tried and, on May 19th of this year, was sentenced to twenty years in prison for doing so.

She killed no one. She was in her home. She was trying to get her abusive husband to leave by firing the gun, not at him, but near him. And she’s going to jail.

Oh yeah, Marissa Alexander is a black woman.

Alexander had hoped Florida’s "Stand Your Ground" law--which states that the victim of a crime does not have to attempt to run for safety and can immediately retaliate in self-defense--would apply to her because she was defending herself against her allegedly abusive husband when she fired warning shots inside her home in August 2010. She told police it was to escape a brutal beating by her husband, against whom she had already taken out a protective order.

Alexander was convicted of attempted murder after she rejected a plea deal for a three-year prison sentence. She said she did not believe she did anything wrong. Under Florida's mandatory minimum sentencing requirements Alexander could have received a lesser sentence, even though she has never been in trouble with the law before, but Judge Daniel said the law did not allow for extenuating or mitigating circumstances to reduce the sentence below the 20-year minimum.

Alexander was denied a new trial after appealing to the judge to reconsider her case based on Florida's controversial "Stand Your Ground" law; her attorney argued that she was clearly defending herself and should not have to spend the next two decades behind bars.

But she's going to jail.

Marissa Alexander was in her own home, trying to protect herself from a man she’d said had beaten her before, from a man whom she had a protective order against, and she fired her gun to scare him away.

And she gets twenty years.

George Zimmerman was outside his home, and saw a young black man walking down the street that he didn’t think should have been in his neighborhood. Against the advice of police—whom Zimmerman called—he followed Trayvon Martin. A scuffle ensued and George Zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin through the heart.

And he gets off.

No justice.

No peace.

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Judge Susan Bolton Okays Arizona's "Show Me Your Papers" Law

Usually I have faith in the court system in this country, but every once in a while, they get it wrong. I mean, we all remember OJ Simpson getting off for killing two people. And, before you ask, no, I didn't forget to say ALLEGEDLY.

Now it seems that a federal judge, U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton, has ruled that Arizona authorities can enforce the loveliest part of their anti-Hispanic immigration law, the so racist "show me your papers" provision. This clears the way for police officers, while enforcing other laws, to question the immigration status of anyone they suspect to be in this country illegally.

Now, let's be clear: they mean the brown-skinned, Spanish speaking ones. I cannot imagine an Arizona police officer asking to see the papers of a white Canadian, even one with a hint of what some might call an un-American accent, so we have to be clear: this law is aimed directly at Spanish speaking people in this country only. Even those who are here legally, and have been for years--or sometimes their entire lives--can be questioned about their immigration status.

Those against the law--and this is mostly people who aren't idiotic and racist--urged Bolton to block the requirement, arguing that it would lead to racial profiling and unreasonable detention of Latino's, if it was enforced. But, lawyers for Arizona Governor, that lying--remember when she talked about headless bodies in the deserts and blamed them on Latinos--Jan "Eva Braun" Brewer, urged the judge to let the requirement go into effect. They argued that the police have the training not to racially profile any member of the public. Yes, we know, because there has never been an incident of racial profiling anywhere, ever. 

:::sarcasm font::::

So, this is what Arizona has come to, a police state where, if you have brown skin and if you have an accent, specially an Hispanic accent, and you, say, have a taillight out on your car, or you crossed the street against the light, or might have stayed too long in one spot, a police officer will ask to see "your papers."

That's so American, isn't it?

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Oh Florida, You're Making Arizona Look Civilized

Florida state Congressman William Snyder, an ex-Miami-Dade Police officer, has drafted the state's own version of Arizona's bigoted immigration bill though he is adamant that it will not lead to racial profiling, and says so: "Race, ethnicity, and national origin cannot be used in making arrests. It's immoral, illegal, and unconstitutional."

But in Snyder's proposed bill, if you are stopped for any reasons and asked to Show Your Papers, you get a pass if you have a Canadian or Western European passport. Not so lucky are our friends south of the border, or anywhere in Eastern Europe.


That's right. In a bizarre clause in the Snyder bill, it says that even if an officer has "reasonable suspicions" over a person's immigration status, a person will be "presumed to be legally in the United States" if he or she provides "a Canadian passport" or a passport from any "visa waiver country." Visa waiver countries are, other than four Asian nations, are "all 32 other countries are in Western Europe, from France to Germany to Luxembourg."


Snyder, a republican, of course, came up with his Bigot Law over the summer, and Republican candidate for governor, Rick Scott, has vowed to support the bill if elected.

All the more reason to cast your vote for ANYONE ELSE!

Basically, what Snyder's proposed bill says, is that if you don't look white, or come from a presumably white country, then you will be arrested.

How is that not racial profiling?

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