Snarky Thoughts

50 Cent has stopped dogging Madonna for a moment, because his new target is a medical spa surgeon with whom he took a photograph that is now being used to advertise :::ahem:::: male enhancement procedures. The insinuation is that 50 Cent is maybe more like a Quarter and had a little work done, you know, down there. He insists :::foot stomp::: that he wasn’t a client but was just taking a picture with a fan, but the spa says that 50 received an undisclosed service and took the picture for promotional purposes in lieu of payment.

My Thought: 50 Cent couldn’t afford a Big Dick Surgery? I always thought he was a Big Dick.

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Last week Adam Levine, Maroon 5 squawker, and his wife Behati Prinsloo announced they were expecting their third child. But that news was overshadowed after Instagram model Sumner Stroh claims she had a year-long affair with Levine and then months after their affair ended Levine ALLEGEDLY DMed Sumner in June to ask that, if he and his wife had a boy, would she mind if he named the baby after her. Adam posted a denial/non-apology to his Instagram Story. He writes that he used “poor judgment” in flirting with Sumner but claims he never “crossed the line” with Sumner but he was “stupid” and “naïve.”

My Thought: Adam Levine is a mega-douche, who make not have crossed a line but I’m betting his penis did.

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As Tom Brady continues his never-ending quest to become the best quarterback the world has ever known his wife Gisele Bündchen has grown tired of waiting for him to come home to his family, and might be ready to retire as his Number One Fan and, according to sources, the two are seriously close to d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

My Thought: Tom probably doesn’t care because divorce doesn’t come with a ginormous ring and a trophy.

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Khloé Kardashian’s surrogate just gave birth to her second child with serial sperminator Tristan Thompson who also just had another baby with Maralee Nichols. And Khloé wants y’all to know that she would never “have a baby with someone who is having a baby with somebody else.” Except she did … she had her first child with Tristan whom she began dating at the same time he dumped one baby mama, and he then knocked Khloé up, and now he’s had a second child with Khloé and one with a new Baby Mama.

My Thought: There will be a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes where Khloe explains how she had a baby with a man who was having a baby with another women … TWICE. She’s quite the example for her kids.

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And, to end on a happier note, it’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since we first saw The Hammaconda in Jon Hamm’s pants, but here we are, though now … NOW? … Hamm seems to want to dispel the myth yet again. While it has always been assumed that Jon likes to let it dangle, considering we’ve seen photographic proof of it, now Hamm is saying it ain’t so, that he has never gone out without underwear.

My Thought: If you can see that thing while he’s wearing underwear imagine what it’s like when it’s allowed to roam free!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Manhattan federal Judge Ronnie Abrams recently ruled that The Huffington Post was within their rights to print a photo that did not belong to them of Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda and writing that Hamm was apparently “very blessed south of the border, and he, or those who examine photographs of him, really want you to know that.”

I did. I examined it very carefully and for a long while.

HuffPo was being sued by the Hammaconda photographer Lawrence Schwartzwald who wanted to be paid for the image, but the judge ultimately decided that HuffPost was making fun of Jon’s Johnson. Abrams said there’s legal precedent for news outlets using licensed images for stories that “illustrate what all the fuss is about.”

And I thank her for that, and I’ll also thank Hamm, for the Hammaconda, and for realizing that this is really no big deal.

No pun intended.

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Last May actor Brian Austin Green announced that he and his wife, actress Megan Fox, were really really finished with their marriage this time. And then Megan proved she was even more  done by quickly moving on from Green to rapper Machine Gun Kelly.

Who cares, right? Well, actress Vanessa Marcil, who was BAG’s girlfriend and baby mama in the early 2000s,  does and she’s speaking out.

Marcil And Green  hooked up in 1999 on the set of Beverly Hills, 90210 and in 2002 she gave birth to their son, Kassius Marcil-Green. They split up in 2003 and she has spent the last seventeen years fighting Green, and Fox, over custody of their child. Vanessa ALLEGES that Brian and Megan tried to get custody of Kassius, which Vanessa wasn’t into, and when a judge threw out their case, Brian basically stopped seeing his son.

So, what does Marcil do now? Come down squarely on Team Megan in a divorce that is literally none of her business, and hijack Megan’s Instagram account to tell the world that Green is a Bad Dad:

“Our job as adults is not to protect adults but to protect our children … I just speak the truth now at my son‘s request in order to help my son heal and not shoulder these secrets anymore. If his father‘s actions reflect poorly on him that is his doing. Not mine. … I just finally, now that Kass is grown, tell the truth regarding a court case and him cutting his son out of his life for 5 years. If you look back at our history his father publicly tried to slander me, lie about me, shame me as a working mother and take full custody of my son. ... He’s lucky that I don’t speak poorly of him after what he put our innocent boy through. He’s very big on doing things that publicly make him look like a nice guy. However, it is who you are when no one is looking that shows your true character.”

For someone who says she won’t speak ill of her son’s dad, she’s rather good at it. And, in the words of Lisa Rinna to Denise Richards on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

“Oof, you’re so angry.”

Vanessa? Hon? Your son with Green is a grown man now. Let him deal on his own with his father and perhaps you could stay out of it? And perhaps you should stay out of another’s person’s marriage and not be so filled with glee that another family has broken up when you were clearly so hurt when your family fell apart.

M’kay?

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Jude Law and his 32-year-old psychologist wife, Dr. Phillipa Coan, recently welcomed their first child together.

How nice, but for Jude it was also Baby #6. He  has three kids with his first wife, Sadie Frost—Rafferty, 23, Iris, 19, and Rudy, 13—plus another child with Samantha Burke—11-year-old Sophia—and a five-year-old daughter Ada, with Catherine Harding.

So, for the scoreboard that four mothers, six children, two wives, and two girlfriends.

That’s all.

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After leaving the Star Wars franchise, John Boyega has been speaking out about the online racist abuse he took from rabid fans, and the frustration he felt that the creators and studio did not have his back. He also put the creators on blast by acknowledging that the franchise has decided to sideline the characters of color. And now fragrance brand Jo Malone is apologizing to Boyega after they erased him from their ad campaign in China.

Boyega was Jo Malone’s first Black global ambassador last year and wrote and directed a commercial promoting company’s aftershave. But when it came to the company’s Chinese ad campaign Jo Malone inserted Asian actor Liu Haoran, and white and Asian actors while removing Boyega and other Black actors.

Jo Malone is now forced to apologize, or faux-pologize because there is no excuse:

“We deeply apologize for what on our end was a mistake in the local execution of the John Boyega campaign. John is a tremendous artist with great personal vision and direction. The concept for the film was based on John’s personal experiences and should not have been replicated.”

Um, a mistake? You erased a Black man and put an Asian actor in his place. That doesn’t happen by accident. Even worse … Boyega was not made aware of the recasting and found out about it on Twitter.

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When last we left Horrible Parents and College Scam Artists, Lori Loughlin, and Mossimo Giannulli admitted their guilt about cheating their illiterate daughters’ way in USC and were sentenced to two months in jail, for her, and five months, for him. But their prison stay, as short and privileged as it is, will make Felicity Huffman’s eleven-day jail stint for the same crime seem like a life sentence at Alcatraz.

Lori and Mossimo are basically going to Camp Rich People Prison. Lori will be at the Federal Correctional Institution in Victorville, while Mossimo will head to the Federal Correctional Institution in Lompoc.

Federal Correctional Institutions that offer their guests, er, inmates, yoga, Pilates and origami, as well as music lessons.

These people cheated and bribed to get their daughters into a prestigious school and their sentence is Summer Camp.

Good thing they’re rich and white …

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It's Snarkurday!

Well, it looks like Kanye West is out of the hospital and, ahem, “under the care of Kim, and his personal physician, Dr. Michael Farzam”—the one who called 911 the day Kanye went a little nuts.

Good news, I guess; I hope he gets the help he needs, though I am reminded of how many people have called him a lunatic since he first arrived on the scene, and then have all overlooked his ridiculous rants and odd behavior as being “just Kanye.”

But this isn’t about that, it’s about a story that appeared—and then just as quickly vanished—right about the time he was handcuffed to that gurney. The story went that Kanye had been deteriorating prior to his hospitalization because Kim had taken the kids and moved back home with That Woman. But as quickly as that story was out, it was gone; only now it’s back ...

The rumor mill is saying that Kim had gone all Ross-n-Rachel on Kanye and asked for a “break” after the Paris robbery because she was upset and traumatized by the event and Kanye wasn’t there for her. A source—and it’s That Woman calling from her crypt—says:

“It’s just been hell for them. The trauma of the incident made her more hesitant to do things. Of course it strained their relationship, because she hadn’t seen him.”

When Kanye was home on breaks in the tour, he spent very little time with his family, preferring instead to work and work and rant, and Kim wasn’t feeling it. When she looked to her husband for support, he was badmouthing Bey and Jay instead.

Cue the road trip home to Mama; oh, and a media event in New York for the Angel Ball—apparently Kimmie wasn’t so distressed she couldn’t fly across the country to wear a too-tight gown—the very night that Kanye suffered his breakdown. Kim had to immediately fly home to be at Kanye’s side—after all there were media cameras around—and That Woman was ALLEGEDLY enraged that Kanye had ruined this for her.

So, is this new show of support going to patch up the holes in their marriage? Or, more likely, will it just be more media fodder and a Very Special Episode of KUWTK? I mean, it does seem that this whole thing will be the start of a media push by the family to explain the end of the marriage.

Lapo Elkann. Who? I know, right! Well, he’s the 39-year-old grandson of the ex-CEO of Fiat and ALLEGEDLY quite a handful.

About eleven years ago, Lapo was found naked and near death after overdosing in the apartment of a transgender hooker in Turin, Italy, and then, just this past weekend he ALLEGEDLY partied with another transgender hooker only maybe with slightly less drugs involved, though more drama.

See, Lapo didn’t have the coins for the hooker so he did what you all would do when you’re trying to bail on a hooker who wants her cash; he called his family and told them that he was kidnapped and his captor was demanding $10,000 in ransom money. 

Ransom. Hooker coins. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Luckily, his family knows Lap better than anyone else and the family representative didn’t call the bank to wire over the ransom money. They called the cops instead. The hooker was cuffed and charged with grand larceny by extortion, with even Lapo filing a police report on what he’d endured.

But the smell of fish was too much for police who investigated the kidnapping allegations and they found it to be a complete lie. See, Lapo isn’t very bright because he called the family from his cell phone, away from the hookers apartment so how, exactly, the police asked, was he kidnapped?

The charges against the hooker were dropped and Lapo was arrested and charged with falsely reporting an incident.

And so now you know Lapo!

Kathy Griffin has a new book out because she doesn’t have a TV show, or Bravo specials, any more and the only time we see her is when she makes Andy Cooper squirm on New Year ’s Eve.

Her new book, Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Run-Ins: My A-Z Index, is her stories of the famous, and infamous, folks she’s met and trashed over the years and several stories are popping up that won’t make her any more popular in Hollywood.

Kathy went to a party hosted by Sue Mengers, in which Jon Hamm and Jack Nicholson were in attendance and she was less than impressed by Hamm—perhaps she didn’t see the Hammaconda? Anyway ...

“You’ll never convince me to like Jon Hamm. The vibe I’ve always gotten from him is cold and somewhat disrespectful … toward me. I’m suggesting he’s one of these hot guys who’s mildly funny but actually thinks he’s comedian-level funny. So when Hammy showed up, too, inside I thought, oh great. He even said to me, ‘What are you doing here?’ I said, ‘I earned my seat at the table. What are you doing here?’”

And it went downhill as Hamm began, ALLEGEDLY, drinking more; while Kathy chatted up Jack Nicholson, Hamm stared “boozy yammering” in her ear:

“You know your Emmy isn’t a real Emmy.”

“You’re so o-o-o-old.”

Kathy was furious that Hamm was infringing on her Nicholson time and says:

“Look, I’ve been told I’m old and not funny by a lot of guys—a lot of hot guys, too—but not when I’m in an intimate conversation space with frickin’ Jack Nicholson ... that’s the real reason I can’t stand Hammy. The double whammy of cruel but not playful comments and the horrible timing. Again, he’s not a comedian, folks. Hopefully done with the drink, but probably still Don Draper-y.”

And then there’s Ashton Kutcher; Griffin and Kutcher co-hosted a charity event in 2005 and he refused to speak to her even though they were supposed to interact:

“At least three separate times, we were standing in the wings, waiting to go out and present, and I’d say something like, ‘Hey, what if, when we go out, we do this … ,’ and suggest something, and he’d just ignore me. If he said five words to me the whole day, I’d be surprised. It was bizarre and rude ....”

In 2008, Griffin ran into him at a restaurant when he was with his grandmother, Demi Moore, and when Kathy said ‘Hello,’ he again ignored her ... so she said:

“If you won’t say hi to me in the Mexican takeout joint, you’re a douchebag.”

The last time she was in a room with Kutcher, she was at party chatting up Sean Combs—P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, someone—and Ashton “stepped directly in front of me and started talking to Diddy as if I wasn’t even there":

"So that’s three incidents. Do I loathe him? No. He’s just someone who’s made it perfectly clear to me that I have absolutely nothing to offer him during his precious time on earth.”

But she has a funny tale about Leonardo DiCaprio story; she met him at an awards show while she was talking with Lily Tomlin—Kathy is an epic name-dropper—and says she “stood up and said:

“‘Don’t be a douchebag, Leo. Get off your f–ing phone and say hi to the great Lily Tomlin!’ He either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me ... I repeated it until he finally turned his head, pulled his precious phone away, and kindly said hello to Lily. (He’s gorgeous by the way.) I said again, ‘Jesus, Leo, don’t be such a douchebag.’ He walked away and with an adorable smile said, ‘I am a douchebag.’ Touché, Leo.”

I may have to buy this book ... you know how much I love my snark, and, well, I imagine Kathy could use the coins.

So Leah Remini is the enemy of Scientology ever since she went rogue and left the “religion” and wrote a book about them—Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology— and talked about them and is now in an A&E series about them—Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath.

So, while promoting this new show, she talked about her lawyer demanding $1.5 million from Scientology for trying to ruin her reputation; Scientology doesn’t like it when you leave and so they called her both a “has-been actress” and a “delusional diva.” Leah knows she won’t see one coin from the “church” but that it’s not about the money; it’s about the victims of that “faith”:

“Well, I’m not going to get a dime. I mean I’ve given millions to the church and they’ve amassed 3 billion dollars, so I think that speaks for itself. I also think that it says a lot about the organization, how they respond to its critics. It’s not just me, it’s anyone who has spoken out. Everyone is called a liar. Everyone’s called an apostate. Everyone’s called the same thing and I’m in good company. They did it to Anderson Cooper, they did it to Alex Gibney, who’s an award-winning filmmaker, Paul Haggis, Oscar winner. I’m in good company and I think it says a lot more about the organization than it does about me.”

It does; the “church” is about money. I mean, how else do you explain the Average Joe, not the movie star closeted homosexual, or the former actress with the weight issues, but the average person who pays the “church” hundreds of thousands of dollars over their lifetime for books on how to reach the pinnacle, only when you reach the pinnacle you’re told it’s the floor beneath the pinnacle and you need to spend more.

Yeah, that’s a faith; and let’s talk about how the Baptists and the Catholics and the Methodists and the Lutherans and the Jews always belittle and shame those who leave their faith and call them names ... oh, wait, they don’t do that.

It’s the “Church” of Scientology that does that.

In August, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard came to an agreement about their divorce: Depp would pay Heard $7 million and he could keep his homes, his art and she would also sign a non-disclosure agreement [NDA] and stop saying he was a drunken loon ... or something.

As soon as the settlement was drawn up, Amber vowed to give the $7 million to charity, but then Depp one-upped her and said he would donate the $7 million directly to charity, bypassing Amber.

But that didn’t happen ...more than 3 months after Amber got that deal, she hasn’t received one coin. And while Depp said he sent the first installment of the settlement—some $200,000—to Children’s Hospital and the ACLU we know that never happened because ... wait for it ... it’s stupid ... Heard and Depp have still not signed the final settlement documents because he wants to pay the charities and she wants to pay the charities.

Um, does it really matter as long as the groups get the seven million?

And there’s another snag ... Amber did a domestic violence PSA in which she all but said Johnny Depp abused her but under that NDA she’s prohibited from mentioning any abuse allegations. So now Team Depp says she shouldn’t get any of the money. Seriously; these two have been bitching about money and who gets to bask in the glory of donating to charity longer then they were ever married.

Write a check already! Depp has another wackadoo movie to bomb and Amber ... well, she’ll be at Starbucks waiting for her agent to call.

Anthony Michael Hall. There’s a blast from the past so why is he popping up here today? Well, as in with most child stars who don’t fully move on to adult stardom, he’s making news because he’s gotten himself arrested.

A couple months ago Hall used his fists on his neighbor after the neighbor said the most horrific thing you could ever say to an actor:

“You left the gate open.”

Hall didn’t take too kindly to a nobody telling him that the gate was open so he attacked the neighbor and may now get jail time.

Hopefully no one will leave a cell door open.

Emmy Detritus ... The Fashion ... And Hottie McHot Jon Hamm

THE BEST

Viola Davis ... she could do no wrong, taking home an Emmy, giving a gorgeous speech, and looking this fabulous.

THE GOOD

Jamie lee Curtis, proving you don't have to be nipped and tucked and dyed and rail thin to be beautiful in Hollywood.

Taraji P. Henson. It was hothothot on Emmy night and Cookie looked so cool ... and so hot.

THE M'KAY

Kerry Washington always takes a fashion risk and, while I like this metal dress, I cannot help but think it's looks like a Tin Man version of Carol Burnett's 'Eunice' dress.

Sofia Vergara. The epitome of 'Meh' because this is the same basic dress she always wears, albeit in a different fabric.

THE MEH

Claire Danes. I actually like the dress and I like the chains and I love the color, but I don't like the President of the PTA hair.

Lady Gaga. I.Expected.More.

THE BAD

Christina Hendricks. I like that she;'s a proud curvy woman,and she's beautiful, but the curves on this dress do her no justice at all. It's mad, men.

January Jones. The color is hideous and the billowy fabric on the legs makes her seem lopsided when the wind blows like she has one gargantuan gam and one pencil thin stick.

THE AWFUL

Joanna Newsom ... Andy Samberg's wife. I can't help but thinking, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?"

Kiernan Shipka. A lampshade on stilts.

THE WORST

Heidi Klum in what looks like  a mashup of Big Bird, brothel madam autumn leaves and way gay chain male. I seriously thought this was a joke ... and it is.

HOTTEST MAN

Jon Hamm finally won his Emmy and he looked hot and sexy while doing it. Man, oh, man, that man can rock a suit.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so you’ve all heard about the Sony Email Hack? If not, here’s the tale:

Sony Pictures made a movie called The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogan as a couple of moronic — typecasting much? — reporters who are co-opted by the US government into traveling to North Korea and killing Kim Jong Un.

Assassination as comedy! Funny stuff. Well, North Korea didn’t think so — imagine how we’d feel if North Korea made a movie about assassinating our President … yeah — and called it an act of war, and then suddenly, Sony Picture’s emails were hacked and shown to the world; side note: North Korea denies any involvement in the hack.

Some of the emails bash Angelina; Leo, too. Channing Tatum comes off as kind of a dim-bulb. Scott Rudin is a jerk. That’s about it … or so we thought. The hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, released a statement saying they’re responsible for the hack and that there might be some kind of terroristic attack if The Interview opens as scheduled on Christmas Day; Homeland Security says the threat isn’t credible, and neither is The Interview.

So, did the hackers threaten us with an act of terrorism, or is the real act of terrorism another James Franco and Seth Rogan hot mess? You know where I stand …

Jon Hamm recently confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Batman or Birdman is because at 43-years-old he’s too old for that mess, He admits to being offered some superhero roles, but didn’t take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s weakness will be Erectile Dysfunction and Clogged Arteries:

“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”

But, BUT, if he took on a superhero role, might he play the Hammaconda? I’d wait in line to see that superpower!

Back to The Sony Hack, and more Diva behavior exposed. Oh, no, not from Mariah or Ariana or Nicki or Beyoncé, but from that other diva, Alex Trebek.

A recently released email shows that Trebek refused to give in to the demands of a stage mom, and told Sony he would end his 30-year run as “Jeopardy” host if they had a problem with it and it went down like this: 

During a taping of “Jeopardy! Kids” one contestant ran offstage in tears when she was eliminated. Well, her mother — and no, even though it sounds like her, it wasn’t Dina Lohan — was furious that La Trebek didn’t bother to help the girl, talk to the girl, try to calm her down, even though she eventually stopped sobbing and returned to the set to watch another episode as an audience member. But Dina, er, her mother wasn’t going to let Trebek off the hook, and complained about him in a letter to producers:

“If he had taken the time, he would have known, like you do, that my daughter is not a sore loser, and does not become emotional solely over losing a game. … She was upset about not being able to completely play the game to the end [and] I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for that.”

Producers responded by saying “Alex’s intentions were good” and that they would ask him to re-tape the segment to appease the spoiled brat of a mother, but … Trebek wasn’t having it and sent his own email to Sony:

“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will, but I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the s—t out of me.  If I’m making mistakes and saying things you don’t like, maybe it’s time for me to move on. It’s not a threat, but I want to let you know how I’m feeling.”

The show was not retaped. Alex is still a diva, the child is fine, her mother, however, is seeing a shrink three times a week. I’m guessing.

I know Kim Kardastrophe is the most vain human being on the planet. I mean, who is thrilled beyond belief to have their ass on the front cover of a magazine? Kim Kardastrophe. So, it’s no surprise that she posted a photo on Instagram where you can clearly see a little sliver of NorthSouthEastWest.

That’s right! The Kash Kow cropped her own child out of a photo. But her explanation for doing so is the best part, as she Tweeted her explanation:

"Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!"

So, the baby was too tired to stay awake, but Mama was too involved in her own ‘look’ to put her down for a nap before snapping a selfie? 

That’s our Kardastrophe. Mother of the Year! Joan Crawford Edition.

Onto another Diva, Beyoncé. She recently released a retrospective video for the new re-release of her self-titled album and in it she talks about the woes of being famous and how as a celebrity no one views you as a human.

Hold up while I get a tissue. How hard it must be for her to be a multi-millionaire and a media whore — seriously, she uses the media like most folks use toilet paper — and how no one sees her as human because most humans don’t release videos of themselves whining about the hardships of their pampered life.

She also claims that no one knows who she is, not even herself, and talks about her mom, her craft, her weave, her clothes her jewels … My.Heart.Bleeds.

Someone needs to step off the pedestal.

Meanwhile back at Kim Kardastrophe and her recent revelations on what it was like to date Kanye West … before they married and began spending all their time apart. Kim shared their secrets to a healthy and happy relationship, saying it all started when they were dating:

“When we first started dating it was rude if we brought our phones with us out, so I learned from him not to bring my phone.”

But, Kim, gasp, how will you know if you’re trending if you don’t have your phone? How will you be able to chronicle the minutiae that is your life if you can InstaTweetBook?

“We have rules at the table. If we are eating at a restaurant, we’ll wait to do it (take pictures) when we are done eating.”

Wait. So, you’re having dinner with your boyfriend, turned husband, turned disappearing father, turned soon-to-be-ex and you can’t take pictures? Her head really is as big as her ass.

So, Lindsay Lohan is done with Speed-the-Plow but has decided to stay in London permanently, and that sound you hear is America breathing a sigh of relief.

In an interview with The Guardian Lohan talks about how she desperately wants to do another play and how she’s never, ever moving back to LA — and that sound you hera is LA breathing a sigh of relief:

 “In LA I didn’t know what to do apart from go out every night. That’s when my friends were free. And I would go out and there would be all these cameras there and that’s when it became difficult.”

It’s always the cameras fault that she got high and drove drunk and kidnapped people and stole jewelry, right? But, as I said, the good news is that she’s planning to make London her permanent home and do more plays because she’s an “actor” y’all, who spoke of the kind of work she wants to do over there:

“I would like to do a period piece at least. I enjoyed having a British accent when I did Parent Trap so I guess I am halfway there.”

Wait, am I the only who thinks when Lindsay says period piece she’s thinking menstruation in a corset? And, wait for it, she thinks that because at age nine she did a British accent so she’s halfway to being British.

I see Lohan stuffed inside a FedEx box being returned to America any day now because England didn’t order her and she doesn’t fit. But, I’m sorry, London, she’s yours now, and there is an upside: Lindsay doesn’t drive in London so the streets are that much safer.

More Sony fall-out? Okay … well, Aaron Sorkin has been all over the Sony Hack stories. There are lots of emails about Sorkin, like one from Amy Pascal telling people that he’s broke and dating some coworker, so he decided to write an NYT op-ed piece called “The Sony Hack and the Yellow Press” where he blames anyone and everyone for releasing and reading and talking about those private emails.

Well, he only feels that way because of what he says in his leaked emails, like the ones to Maureen Dowd — the NYT columnist and his ex-girlfriend — about the state of sexism in Hollywood and the lack of good roles for women.

Interesting topic, but what is most interesting are his own views on the subject. In an email that Sorkin sent to Dowd, he talks of Hollywood’s women problem, and of a Dowd NYT about Cate Blanchett’s Oscar speech where she took Hollywood to task for its treatment of women. In her column, Dowd quotes Sony bigwig Amy Pascal, who discusses the “paltry” amount women in Hollywood make versus men, and how female directors face a “mountain of rejection” and “the whole system is geared for them to fail.”

Sorkin liked the column, but said that he believed that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchet’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

Yes, men work harder than women. But he goes on:

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress. Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. … Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich.”

I am imagining that Sorkin might have trouble lining up any actresses for his next project since they don’t work as hard, aren’t as talented, and should never make the same money as men.

The Sony Hack … it keeps on giving.