Snarky Thoughts

We all know Matthew Perry was a raging drug and alcohol addict while on Friends but we know more now because he’s written a book to tell us … like how he wished death upon Keanu Reeves. Perry was online bitch-slapped for the part in his memoir where he wonders why actors like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die too soon, but “Keanu Reeves still walks among us” and offered up some BS apology saying he just grabbed a name out of the sky and it turned out to be Keanu Reeves.

My Thought: Sorry, Matthew but why not say “And yet I still walk among you.” I mean after decades of rampant drug use and, in your own words, nearly $9,000,000 spent on rehab stays, you are lucky to still be walking, so, yeah, to paraphrase the immortal Chris Crocker, “Leave Keanu alone!”

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A year ago, all anyone could talk about was Adele’s long awaited fourth album, 30, and its first single. ‘Easy On Me.’ But then the second single was supposed to be ‘I Drink Wine’ … AKA My Personal Theme Song … and we got ‘Oh My God’ instead. Well, now ‘I Drink Wine’ was released Adele gave an interview where she said Taylor Swift is one of the greatest songwriters of our generation.

My Thought: Perhaps Adele should rename the song, ‘I Drank Too Much Wine And Spewed Some Shiz.’

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Dame Judi Dench recently wrote an op-ed for The Sunday Times taking Netflix to task for ALLEGEDLY playing fast and loose with the facts on The Crown. And apparently she has that much power because Netflix has added a disclaimer to season five indicating that anything you might hear … like former Prince, now King, Charles, while still married to Diana,  telling his mistress Camilla that he wanted to be reincarnated as a tampon so he could live inside her … is a “fictional dramatization” of events that may or may not be true … even if you heard the words committed to tape for all the world to hear.

My Thought: Netflix backed down, but shaded Dame Judi by revealing that she was in talks to play The Queen Mother during the fifth Tampon Season but turned it down because she wasn’t getting as many coins as Imelda Staunton, who plays The Queen. The Queen Mother role then went to Marcia Warren, who had no issue with the paycheck.

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Big surprise … Gisele Bündchen  and Tom Brady’s marriage is over and has been for several weeks now as their lawyers have already hammered out a settlement and reached an agreement on property and custody of their two children. Gisele filed documents in Florida today and Tom sat on his hands and Boom! they’re done.

My Thought: How many minutes until Tom gets a twenty-something model on his arm because you know he’s all about the trophy!

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If you had Armie Hammer’s new career as “timeshare salesman” on your Hollywood Career Change Bingo Card, you are a winner. Yes, after Armie’s career died amid the accusation of being a cannibalistic sexaholic and the horrid box office of Death on the Nile, Hammer worked as a timeshare salesman in the Cayman Islands. Perhaps he needed the coins because, like Tori Spelling—wow, not even six degrees separate Tori and Armie—American Express says he’s been dodging a $67,000 credit card balance, and they’re taking him to court over it.

My Thought: Cannibalism doesn’t pay enough to pay the AMEX.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Barbra Streisand, on the newest remake of A Star is Born:

“I haven’t seen the full cut, but it’s very good.Every time that film is made it’s a success. I loved Judy Garland‘s version, I like this one a lot, and I liked mine!”

Judy’s was a masterpiece.

But the Gaga one looks interesting.

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Mitch McConnell, pandering to the Bigot Base who don’t care about women being sexually assaulted as long as Roe v Wade is overturned:

“You’ve watched the fight, you’ve watched the tactics. But here is what I want to tell you, in the very near future Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court.”

And you’ll be going to Hell.

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Seth Meyers, on the Rod Rosenstein mess:

“We’re on the brink of constitutional crisis because nobody could tell if Rod was joking or not! Can I just make a suggestion to all civil servants in our justice system? Don’t make jokes. Jokes are broken now. We made so many jokes about how hilarious it would be if Donald _____ was president that it came true.”

And the jokes on us … for now.

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Michele Bachmann, blaming _____ on God:

“Two years ago, I believe that the prayers that God’s people made to ask God for his provision were heard. They were heard and granted and for two years, we have lived in an unparalleled golden time in the United States. We have a president who has made the most pro-life actions of any president ever. We have a president who has been the most pro-Israel president ever in the history of the United States of America. Our president has put the United States on a pathway of blessing. We have the most pro-religious liberty president in the history of the United States, ever! Do you see what a golden day that we have been given? On every possible level, America is killing it. We are doing great in every possible metric, and I believe that’s because God’s people utilized the tool that he gave us.”

She's right about one thing: _____ is a tool.

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Judi Dench, on sexual predator Kevin Spacey being cut out of, and replaced by Christopher Plummer, in All The Money In The World:

“I can’t approve, in any way, of the fact that—whatever he has done—that you then start to cut him out of the films. Are we to do what happened when he was replaced with Christopher Plummer? Are we to do that throughout history? Are we to go back throughout history and anyone who has misbehaved in any way, or who has broken the law, or who has committed some kind of offense, are they always going to be cut out? Are we going to extrude them from our history? I don’t know.”

I don’t think the idea is to cut him out of everything he’s ever done. I think this was a new film, about to come out, and the scandal might have hurt it.

We all have a choice to watch, or not watch, old Kevin Spacey films, or to simply cut those films from our watch list.

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Nikki Haley, United States UN Ambassador, lying when she says the world leaders at the UN weren’t laughing at _____, they were laughing with him:

“The media has got this so wrong. I deal with these leaders every single day. I know exactly how they think. Do they love America? No. Do they respect America? Now they do. When he said that, they love how honest he is. And it’s not diplomatic. And they find it funny. I mean, when he goes and he is very truthful, they kind of were taken aback by it. All day yesterday, they were falling over themselves to get a picture with him, to talk about how great his speech was, how strong it was. Whether he said good things about them or not, they love that he’s honest with them. And they have never seen like it. And so there’s a respect there. I saw that the media was trying to make it something disrespectful. That’s not what it was. They love to be with him. That’s the only time you will see that entire chamber standing room only.”

First off, Nikki, you pandering ass, let’s remember that in 2016 you supported anyone but _____ for president because you thought him unqualified. Then he won and offered you a job, so you took residence in his ass and now lie for him, and with him, daily.

They were laughing at him; he knows it; you know it.

And lotsa folks wanna take a selfie with the biggest clown in the room.

Siddown, fool.

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Jeff Flake, Arizona GOP Senator, saying Kavanaugh’s accusers deserve an apology:

“These people are not props for us to make our political points. I do not believe that a claim of sexual assault is invalid because a 15-year-old girl didn’t promptly report the assault to the authorities, as the president of the United States said. How uninformed and uncaring do you have to be to say things like that?”

And yet, Jeff, while you try to score points as the anti-_____ you rarely take an actual stand.

Words are nice; actions have more meaning.

Vote No on Kavanaugh.

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Lindsey Graham, South Carolina GOP Senator and professional ______ ass kisser, saying nothing Christine Blasey Ford could say would sway him from voting for Brett Kavanaugh:

“I want to listen to her, but I’m being honest with you and everybody else. What do you expect me to do? You can’t bring it in a criminal court, you would never sue civilly, you couldn’t even get a warrant. What am I supposed to do? Go ahead and ruin this guy’s life based on an accusation? I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know where it happened, and everybody named in regard to being there said it didn’t happen. Unless there’s something more, no I’m not going to ruin Judge Kavanaugh’s life over this. But she should come forward, she should have her say, she will be respectfully treated.”

Graham says the events that took place 36 years ago were outside the statute of limitations and therefore irrelevant except Maryland, where the alleged events took place, has no statute of limitations on felony sexual assault, so f**k off Miss Lindsey.

Would you feel differently if it was your sister who said Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her? I doubt it because you’re a pig who’s ignored decency, so you can apply your lips to _____’s ample ass.

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Seth Meyers, again, on Brett Kavanaugh’s denial that he sexually assaulted any women:

“It does not matter if you were a virgin. You are being accused of sexual assault, not sexual intercourse. Those things have nothing to do with each other. It’s the same as saying, ‘I couldn’t have robbed that bank. I’m a virgin.’ Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn’t mean you can’t be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests. [And] just because you’re friends with one woman, doesn’t mean you haven’t been awful to another. That’s like saying you’re a vegetarian because you didn’t eat your dog.”

Bam!

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Double Oh.......uh oh

Well, we went to see the new James Bond movie yesterday. I'm not really a fan, per se, although I loved Sean Connery in the role. Roger Moore? He looked like puffy pastry in a tux. Timothy Dalton? Oh, the guy between Moore and Pierce Brosnan, who was all right.....just all right. But Daniel Craig is very handsome....very....handsome....and he seems to bring back some of the tough guy dangerous quality that Sean Connery brought to Bond.
So, I enjoyed the movie, right? Indeed. It was pure escapism, put all logic on a shelf and hang on for the ride. But Carlos found one particular part of the movie so unbelievable, so wrong that he had to voice his opinion loudly. In the theater.
In the closing scene, in Russia, Bond comes out of the apartment building and finds M--Dame Judi Densch--waiting for him as the snow drifts gently down. The horrendous infraction? The amazing oversight? The lapse of reality? The one thing in the entire movie that Carlos found so wrong?

Judi wasn't wearing a coat!

What the.......? No coat is your major objection? Not the scene where James Bond is running over the rooftops of Sienna, Italy, leaping from balcony to balcony, out the window onto the top of a passing bus, then off the bus back onto the buildings, which he scales to the top of the bell tower, only to grab the bad guy and fall through the skylight of a neighboring building and land on scaffolding many feet above a stone floor, where the fight continues and the scaffolding breaks, and the ropes and pulleys are used by 007 and the villain to hang from the sky and fight, until the last scaffold collapses sending Bond plummeting to the floor, where he stops just inches from the stones, swinging to and fro, reaching for the gun he dropped as the bad guy climbs up the crumbled scaffold toward the ceiling and the spot where he left his gun, which he grabs, aims, and, Bond grabs his own gun from the floor and shoots the villain while hanging upside down?

Or the scene where he flies the rickety old plain over Bolivia and is being chased by a fighter pilot and Bond aims the plane at the sky, hands a parachute to the girl, who tumbles toward an exit door, while all the cargo flies past her, nearly flattening her, and then 007 can't find his own parachute, and the plane continue straight up, and so Bond unlocks his seat belt, falls back through the plane and he and the girl fall out of the plane, him without a chute and trying to grab the girl and hang on and then he finally gets her and tugs on her parachute just as they fall into a sinkhole created by the bad guys and the drop to the floor without so much as a sprain.

What about the end of the movie when the girl has killed the general,and the hotel is burning up and blowing up all around them and Bond finds her and comforts her as they prepare to die in the inferno, until the fire burns through a wall and one of the fuel cells that power the hotel becomes visible and Bond sees it and grabs the girl as the fuel cell explodes, creating a hole in the building that our hero and the girl walk through unscathed.

No.....he thought Judi should have worn a coat.

It's cold in Russia.