The Funny Papers

Randy Bish, Max Espinoza, Deb Milbrath, Trevor Irvin, Gary Huck, David Horsey, Daniel Boris, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, JD Crowe, Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder

Ain't That America XXXIV

What a week … the Bad News is that Cankles five-day war is not in its eighth day and he announced it may actually lasty four months longer before saying he has no idea when it will end. The Good News is that Democrats won several elections last week and Border Barbie was kicked to the curbed .

Now do Pam Bondi!

The DOJ posted FBI interviews with a woman who alleged Cankles sexually assaulted her when she was a teenager after being introduced to him by Jeffrey Epstein. She says that Cankles hit her after she bit his, as Stormy called it, tiny orange mushroom dick when he attempted to force her to perform oral sex.

The President is a rapist and a pedophile. Don’t let it be forgotten.

 

Markwayne Mullin, the new Border Barbie, has an incredible list of qualifications:

His highest undergrad degree is Associate in Construction Technology; he has no law degree; he has no law degree; he has no law enforcement background; he has no National Security experience; he has no security, intelligence or emergency management skills

As I saw on Facebook, how can we expect him to secure the border when he cannot even secure the border between his two first names? And will he have to continue the Secretary’s extra-marital affair with Corey Kewandoski?

PS Please don’t suggest he was named after his two dads because that makes him crazy!

 

The FBI, Homeland Security, and the National Counterterrorism Center prepared a joint intelligence statement to state and local authorities alerting them of a heightened threat due to the illegal war in Iran but after Homeland Security gave the White House a heads-up about the statement before it was set to be released top regime officials ordered it placed on ‘hold’. 

Let that sink in.

 

The House of Representatives killed an effort to rein in Cankles’ illegal war in Iran after voting 219 to 212 to kill a War Powers Act resolution introduced by GOP Representative Thomas Massie and Democrat Representative Ro Khanna.

Four Democrats— Representatives Jared Golden, Henry Cuellar, Greg Landsman and Juan Vargas—voted with the GOP while one other Republican, Warren Davidson, joined Massie, in voting for it. Those four Democrats need to be voted from office in November.

 

Speaking of the illegal war in Iran, the Little Johnson declared the US is not at war even though the Draft Dodger In Chief and DUI Pete say we are at war.

Perhaps Little Johnson had his entire head shoved up Cankles’ ass and not just his lips on the rim.

 

Cankles is not at all concerned about rising US gas prices driven by the illegal war in Iran:

“I don’t have any concern about it. They’ll drop very rapidly when this is over, and if they rise, they rise, but this is far more important than having gasoline prices go up a little bit.”

Once again the rotting fetid corpse in chief says he doesn’t care about the American people and affordability.

 

Cankles also claimed the illegal war with Iran was necessary because that country was two weeks away from having nuclear weapons:

“If we didn’t hit within two weeks, they would’ve had a nuclear weapon. When crazy people have nuclear weapons, bad things happen.”

But remember in June 2025 when Cankles claimed that US and Israeli military actions—"Operation Midnight Hammer"—has "obliterated" Iran's nuclear facilities, air force, and missile industry.

Huh, and then nine months later it was on the verge of creating nuclear weapons.

Someone needs to explain “obliterated” to the dimwit.

 

Just days before Cankles launched an illegal war with Iran, FBI Director Kash Patel fired a dozen agents and staff members from a counterintelligence unit tasked with monitoring threats from Iran because each one was involved in the investigation of Cankles’ stealing classified documents after his first term in office and taking them to Mar-illegal.

That’s the FBI under Patel.

As for the upside …

The regime seems to have abandoned its attempts to impose potentially crippling executive orders against law firms that refused to capitulate to Cankles, walking away from its appeal of victories the firms had won against the White House.

DOJ lawyers told the US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia that they were no longer interested in pursuing the cases and were voluntarily asking the court to dismiss them.

Later, Cankles appeared to have changed his mind, however, because, well, Epstein.

 

Texas state Representative, and Democrat, James Talarico won the state’s primary to become the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in an effort to flip Texas Blue.

 

Democrat Alex Holladay won a Republican-held seat in the Arkansas state House last week marking the ninth time Democrats have flipped a district from red to blue in a special election since the start of Cankles’ second term.

 

The matchup is set in North Carolina’s crucial Senate race, with Democratic former Governor Roy Cooper and former Republican National Committee chair Michael Whatley winning their primaries.

Democrats are confident that Cooper will be a formidable candidate after he won races for governor in 2016 and 2020 even as Cankles carried the state.

 

The DOJ, after Cankles ordered an investigation into whether former President Biden broke the law in using the autopen to sign presidential documents, has announced they are unable to build a criminal case out of this bull shiz.

Go figure.

 

In a defeat for the Cankles Regime  a federal judge in New York ruled that companies that paid tariffs struck down last month by Supreme Court are due refunds.

The federal government collected more than $130 billion in the now-defunct tariffs through mid-December and could ultimately be on the hook for refunds worth $175 billion.

 

Virginia’s legislature has passed a bill prohibiting schools from teaching what it considers to be lies about the January 6, 2021, Capitol riot. Schools must “not describe, portray, or present as credible a description or portrayal of the actions precipitating or involved in the events of the January 6, 2021, insurrection as peaceful protest” and may not “state, suggest, or present as credible a statement or suggestion that there was extensive election fraud that could have changed or actually changed the results of the 2020 presidential election.”

The president is a liar, is basically what they’re saying … cuz it’s true.

Cankles was at Dover Air Force Base Saturday for the dignified transfer of the six United States service members killed in Kuwait, and … well, once again, he proved that he cannot handle himself like a decent human being.

As others bowed their heads, he did not; and he wore a white USA baseball cap that he did not take off during the ceremony.

In the photo above, he appears to be playing with his buttons while Melanie is looking for the car because Saks is having a sale, and JD dreams of an evening with Velvet Settee.

This is what passes for honoring our fallen troops killed in an illegal war because the president is a child rapist and a con artist.

What, oh what, can we do …

Ain't That America XXXII

Another week down, with a hit of good news from SCOTUS for a change which spurred a lie-filled rage speech from Cankles about the “Democratic SCOTUS;” poor delusional old man. And of course the State of the Union speech is Tuesday and the Democrats, many of them at least, may not show up, going instead to a rally on the National Mall.

I am not in favor. I think they should show up, and say and do nothing, other than perhaps raising small signs that could say anything from “Release the Files” to “Say Their Names,” or perhaps show photos of the victims demanding accountability from the regime.

That would rattle Cankles and send him off-script into an insane rage-a-thon, which I won’t be watching because I can neither look at his decaying personage nor listen to his ignorant voice.

That said …

Pope Leo has rejected Cankles’ invitation to “America 250” Festivities in Washington DC because he wants to spend the day with migrants instead.

That’s all.

 

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent claimed that in spite of the Supreme Court’s decision to block Cankles’ illegal tariffs the regime would initiate new tariffs imposed under other statutes ensuring the revenue grift remains unchanged. He also said Americans who paid for the tariffs through higher prices will never see a rebate of that money.

Grifters gonna grift.

 

At DHS new Secret Service protective detail agents are getting  a wardrobe upgrade courtesy of taxpayers because adulterous dog-killer Kristi Noem doesn’t like the suits they bought for themselves.

So We The People will buy them new clothes cuz … grifters gonna grift.

 

Nationalist Christian, or Nat-C as I think of him,  Speaker Mike Johnson has denied a request by Reverend Jesse Jackson’s family to his body lie in honor in the Capitol.

The Little Johnson says the practice is reserved for former presidents and select former government officials and military honorees but the honor was given to Reverend Billy Graham in 2018.

But not Jackson; that sounds about white coming from Nat-C Johnson.

 

Butler, Ohio Mayor, and a Republican,  Wesley Dingus is facing two counts of voyeurism after he was allegedly caught on camera sniffing a teen girl’s underwear.

The party of pedophiles.

 

Oh, and the husband of Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer has been barred from the department’s headquarters after at least two female staff members told officials that he had sexually assaulted them.

The party of sexual predators.

 

A large banner featuring Cankles’ bloated face was hung on the exterior of Justice Department headquarters.

They’re putting up pedophile’s pictures at the DOJ cuz, you know, the party of pedophiles.

 

Roughly 80% of career leadership at the ICEstapo  has been fired or demoted under DogKiller Kristi Noem’s tenure as she and her lover, Corey Lewandowski have targeted employees for allegedly talking to the press.

 

The Republican Party of Eau Claire County headquarters in Altoona was vandalized overnight when the windows were spray-painted with the phrase ‘pedophile protectors,’ and around a dozen eggs were thrown onto the building.

Truth in advertising.

 

The FBI formally notified the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension [BCA] that it will not provide them with access to any information or evidence that it has collected in the January 24 ICEstapo murder of Alex Pretti.

Coverup.

In February 2026, a rumor spread that Bo French, a GOP candidate for the Texas Railroad Commission, which regulates oil and gas, wanted to deport Native Americans. Several social media posts made the claim, including on Facebook, where one user said French had called for the deportation of “third world savages” including Native Americans. French says it never happened but here’s a direct quote from his X account:

“Since we are going to denaturalize and deport all the third world savages who hate our country, I am calling for adding these third world savages, who we conquered, then bizarrely let have a nation inside our nation, to the list. “

We let native peoples have a nation in our nation? Or did we steal their nation to create our own, give them a few crumbs of land and then take it back.

Look in a mirror, Bo; that’s the enemy.

And what do we do with the enemy

Ain't That America XXIV

Oh another week where the President-For-Now calls a woman a “piggy,” threatens to murder Democrats and tells a female reporter he doesn’t like her attitude because she asked a hard question. But there is good news in courts, in a MAGAt quitting Congress, and with idiocy in the hands of DUI Pete, so let’s dish a little …

Cankles has called for putting Democrats to death for telling the military they do not have to obey unlawful orders.

Once again, every GOP accusation is an admission, as noted by the fact that Republicans either “didn’t see the story,” think Cankles was “joking” about murder, or “agree with him.”

Vote them all out of office.

Eliyahu “Eli” Weinstein, a New Jersey man whose lengthy prison sentence for fraud convictions was commuted by Cankles in 2021, is back to federal prison for another fraud conviction. US District Judge Michael Shipp handed down a 37-year sentence to Weinstein and ordered him to pay $44,294,803 in restitution, which is due immediately.

Commits fraud, and a grifter lets him out of jail and he immediately commits fraud again.

Wow, no one saw that coming.

Unless they saw this … Andrew Paul Johnson, a pardoned January 6 rioter, has been charged with sex crimes against two children, including molesting a child as young as 11 years old.

He tried to overturn an election and Cankles pardoned him so he could stay free and rape children. I wonder if Cankles, a sexual predator and rapist himself, will pardon him again.

Cankles said he will not rule out the possibility of sending US troops into Venezuela, as a buildup of US forces in the region raises the prospect of military action there.

Why would a man who campaigns for a Nobel Peace Prize want to start a war … Epstein, that’s why.

Cankles plan to offer a “tariff dividend,” a one-time refundable credit of $2,000 per person for tax units with 2025 Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) strictly below $100,000, will cost We The People about $450 billion.

No wonder he bankrupts everything he touches.

The Cankles Regime took down a congressionally mandated report on missing and murdered Native Americans from the Department of Justice’s website to comply with an executive order against diversity, equity and inclusion.

The Not One More Report was the product of The Not Invisible Act of 2020, meant to provide tribes with solutions to combat the epidemic of missing and murdered Indigenous people and educate the general public about the crisis.

Well, I mean, they’re not White and so why should the government care? For more information go to Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Relatives [MMIWR]

Cankles told female a reporter “quiet, piggy” during an exchange on Air Force One about the Epstein files. He also waved his own fat piggy finger in CBS News’ Jennifer Jacobs’ face.

Women scare him because women come him, women will take him down while the male reporters who stood by and said nothing are part of that Cankles Boy’s Club.

Paul Bojerski was born to Polish parents in a German refugee camp a year after World War II ended. His family legally emigrated to America in 1952 when he was five but now, more than seventy-four years later, he has found himself in legal limbo in yet another concentration camp, the so-called Alligator Alcatraz detention camp.

He was picked up on a decades-old deportation order that immigration authorities had previously chosen not to enforce but now, as part of the Cankles Regime’s widespread effort to deport millions of immigrants who it claims lack legal standing to be in America, and after living here for decades at 79-years old, Bojerski is locked up again.

That ain’t America.

A recent tweet, where Secretary of Defense, DUI Hire, Pete Hegseth bragged about the names of recent US military operations, has prompted widespread mockery online. Pete posted:

“OPERATION ROUGH RIDER = Freedom of Navigation for U.S. ships.

OPERATION MIDNIGHT HAMMER = Obliteration of Iranian nuclear sites.

“OPERATION SOUTHERN SPEAR = Destroy Narco-Terrorists killing Americans.”

“Rough Rider,” “Midnight Hammer,” and “Southern Spear” all sound like either gay strippers or adult entertainment titles or both and people came for Pete with their own suggestions:

“OPERATION BRUTAL PENETRATION.”

“OPERATION MORNING WOOD.”

“OPERATION HUSKY FARMBOY

OPERATION THROBBING MEMBER

OPERATION STRAPPING MANSERVANT”

Oh, Pete, you should lay off the sauce or just come out already.

Marjorie Taylor Greene will resign her seat in Congress on January 5, 2026, in reaction to Cankles and the Epstein files and, more likely, to kickstart her campaign to run for governor of Georgia.

Ding dong, the witch is gone

Senators Mark Kelly and Elissa Slotkin, and Representatives Jason Crow, Maggie Goodlander, Chris Deluzio, and Chrissy Houlahan ... clockwise from top left ...  the six Democratic lawmakers that Cankles wants killed hit back with a powerful statement that shows America that they won't be intimidated into silence:

"We are veterans and national security professionals who love this country and swore an oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. That oath lasts a lifetime, and we intend to keep it. No threat, intimidation, or call for violence will deter us from that sacred obligation. What’s most telling is that the President considers it punishable by death for us to restate the law. Our servicemembers should know that we have their backs as they fulfill their oath to the Constitution and obligation to follow only lawful orders. It is not only the right thing to do, but also our duty. But this isn’t about any one of us. This isn’t about politics,. This is about who we are as Americans. Every American must unite and condemn the President’s calls for our murder and political violence. This is a time for moral clarity. In these moments, fear is contagious, but so is courage. We will continue to lead and will not be intimidated. Don’t Give Up the Ship!"

Resist.

Demand an apology … yes, I know that won’t happen.

Vote Blue and have Congress impeach this Big Piggy the first chance they get.

A federal judge ordered some public-school districts in Texas to remove Ten Commandment displays from their classroom walls by next month.

Here’s the deal: you want your kids to learn about the Ten Commandments, go to church. You want to teach them to read and write and add and subtract, send them to school.

We have a Separation of Church and State for a reason.

William Pryor Jr., the chief judge in the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, gave a chilly reception to Cankles’ bid to revive a racketeering lawsuit accusing his perceived political foes—including Hillary Clinton and James Comey—of conspiring against him with false allegations that he collaborated with Russia

Pryor made it clear that he believes Cankles’ lawsuit violated federal court rules by vaguely linking too many defendants and too many legal claims.

It’s almost like his lawyers don’t know the law.

And then a  federal appeals court rejected Cankles’ effort to revive a defamation lawsuit against CNN, concluding that he has not “adequately alleged” the falsity of the network’s references to his stolen 2020 election claims as “the Big Lie.”

How many times does this Piggy get smacked down before he just stops his bull shiz?

The Corporation for Public Broadcasting agreed to fulfill a $36 million multi-year contract with NPR that it had yanked after pressure from the Cankles Regime. The arrangement resolves litigation filed by NPR accusing the corporation of illegally yielding to fascist demands that the network be financially punished for its news coverage. Katherine Maher, President and CEO of NPR, said in a statement:

“The settlement is a victory for editorial independence and a step toward upholding the First Amendment rights of NPR and the public media system in our legal challenge to [Cankles’] Executive Order.”

It’s also a victory for Resistance.

Department of Defense “contractors” landed on a Mexican beach and accidentally declared it United States territory in a bizarre incident this week.

The group of unidentified men hammered six signs into a beach near Playa Bagdad in Northeast Mexico declaring that the area was “Department of Defense property” and had been classified as a “restricted area” by “the commander.”

The area is roughly twelve miles south of the U.S.-Mexico border and when heavily armed Mexican Navy personnel came to investigate the scene the “contractors” realized they were not in Texas where they would supposed to have landed.

This is our military under Cankles and DUI Pete.

Sean Duffy, the reality show “star” and former Fox News “himbo” has a solution for all the difficulty at airports: Be nice and wear nice clothes.

“We want to push people, as we come into a really busy travel season: Help people out, be in a good mood, dress up, bring civility back to travel.”

Seriously? All those near misses, and crashes at airports, the clusterfuck of the shutdown and its effects on air travel and Little Sean’s plan is to make people put on their good clothes?

The US Coast Guard will no longer classify the swastika, an emblem of fascism and white supremacy inextricably linked to the murder of millions of Jews and the deaths of more than 400,000 US troops who fought the Nazis in World War II, as a hate symbol.

That’s right, y’all, get that swastika out of mothballs and wear it and wave it proudly as the Coast Guard now calls it only “potentially” divisive.

Oops … it appears that mere hours after deciding a swastika was no big deal the Coast Guard had changed its mind again and will not allow it to wave.

Here’s Minister of Propaganda, and Paid White House Liar, KKKarolying Leavitt’s response to Cankles calling a female reporter a “piggy”:

“He calls out fake news when he sees it. He gets frustrated with reporters when you lie about him, when you spread fake news about him and his administration, but he also is the most transparent president in history. And he gives all of you in this room, as you all know, unprecedented access. You are in the Oval Office almost every day asking the president questions. I think the president being frank, and open, and honest to your faces rather than hiding behind your backs is frankly a lot more respectful than what you saw in the last administration — where you had a president who lied to your face and then didn’t speak to you for weeks and hid upstairs and didn’t take your question. So I think everyone in this room should appreciate the frankness and the openness that you get from [Cankles] on a near-daily basis.”

I wish the entire room had erupted in their own:

“QUIET PIGGY!”

I don’t know if this is true, but it’s apparently a story told by friends of the Obamas and seemed totally like Barack and Michelle, so I’m going to share it here:

On January 10, 2017, with just ten days left in his presidency, Barack Obama walked into the White House residence late at night to find Michelle packing boxes in their bedroom, and … said, “I feel like I'm abandoning them—all those people who believed in hope and change, and now I'm handing them over to someone who built his campaign on fear and division.”

Michelle stopped packing, sat beside him, and revealed something she'd kept secret for eight years: during his darkest presidential moments, she'd been keeping a journal of letters from ordinary Americans whose lives he'd touched, and she pulled out a worn leather notebook containing 2,847 handwritten entries she'd copied from White House correspondence.

What makes this moment absolutely stunning is that Michelle read him letters until 3:52 AM … [of a] single mother in Detroit whose daughter got health insurance through the Affordable Care Act … a gay couple in Iowa who married legally because of his courage … a young Black girl in Atlanta who told her teacher she could be anything because President Obama proved it was possible … and with each letter, Barack wept harder until Michelle grabbed his face and said:

“You didn't abandon anyone, baby, you showed them what's possible, and that light doesn't go out just because you leave this house.”

The detail that gives chills is that on January 20, 2017, minutes before the incoming President’s inauguration, Barack Obama placed that leather journal in the Resolute Desk drawer with a note for future presidents that read:

“Remember: this office isn't about you; it's about them—never forget the people who trusted you with their dreams.”

Michelle Obama told CBS in 2018 that Barack still carries three of those letters in his wallet, reading them whenever he doubts whether his presidency mattered, and the most worn one is from a nine-year-old boy who wrote:

“Dear President Obama, my dad says you gave him hope when he had none left, so thank you for saving my daddy.”

Proving that presidential legacy isn't measured in legislation or Supreme Court justices, it's measured in the quiet moments when ordinary people found courage because one leader refused to let them give up on America's promise.

Let’s try to get that back. Let’s try to stop a president who threatens to murder Democrats … who pardons child rapists …who drops bombs on boats in the Caribbean apparently for sport … who cares not about missing and murdered indigenous peoples …who may be a child rapist and sexual predator himself … who cares only about the richest of Americans while letting children in this country starve …

Meme Dump