It's Snarkurday!

Like a certain president, Harvey Weinstein does not know when to shut his piehole and simply read the prepared statement. He’s now claiming #FakeNews to a story that he admitted to giving women roles in his films in exchange for sex. But if you listen to his story, he kinda admits it’s true:

“I was born poor, ugly, Jewish and had to fight all my life to get somewhere … no girl looked at me until I made it big in Hollywood. Yes I did offer them acting jobs in exchange for sex, but so did and still does everyone. But I never, ever forced myself on a single woman.”

He doesn’t seem to get it that telling a woman she has to allow you to get naked and put your cheese-filled body on top of hers and rub your wee willie into her nether regions so she can act in one of your films is kinda forcing a woman to do that very thing; especially when you throw in that “You’ll never work in this town again” business.

The moral: Harvey Weinstein is a pig who’s yet to realize he’s a pig.

Maybe prison will help?

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Remember when it was rumored that Ewan McGregor was bumping uglies with his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead? And then Ewan admitted he was cheating on his wife? And then he and Mary Elizabeth went public with their affair? And then Winstead broke things off because the press called her a “homewrecker” which is what you call someone who has an affair with a married person and, ahem, wrecks their home? And then Ewan filed for divorce from Eve Mavrakis, his wife of 22 years, and Winstead decided that she wouldn’t be labeled a “homewrecker” any more and went back to Ewan.

Well, Ewan’s 22-year-old daughter, Clara, that’s her up there coming between the lovebirds, decided that Winstead should still wear the Scarlet A and has been trolling the actress on social media. Clara sipped some tea and then dashed over to an Instagram fan page for Mary Elizabeth and commented:

“Most beautiful and talented woman on earth? … Oh man y’all are delusional. The girl is a piece of trash…x”. 

I love the little ‘x’ at the end because it says so much more than ‘kisses’.

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It looks like the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps should have gone to Not Being A Terrible Mother Rehab after she got out of Drunk In Public Rehab.

Luann is now being sued by her ex-husband, Still-A-Count Alexandre de Lesseps and their two children, Victoria and Noel. The three claim that as part of the 2009 divorce settlement, Luann was supposed to have set up a trust for the kids, and when she sold the family home in Water Mill was to put half that money in the trust.

But they say Luann kept the cash for herself … because booze and lawyers don’t come cheap.

Maybe I spoke too soon? The minute I finished writing that snark, I learned that the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps has checked herself back into rehab and will not be at the Real Housewives reunion.

Luann, who has also been accused this month of having an affair with her married manager, will be absent from the show, leaving former foe, former frenemy, and current bestie Bethenny “Never One To Stop Talking” Frankel to speak for her—apparently Frankel has added spokesperson to the SkinnyGirl empire:

“This weekend, Luann was surrounded by her girlfriends and decided—with their support—that in light of recent circumstances, it is the healthiest choice for her not to attend Tuesday’s reunion taping so that she can continue in her healing process. Luann is now surrounded by a core group of people who truly have her best interests at heart and who are working to make sure she gets the help she needs.”

That’s mighty brave … of Bethenny. I mean, it was an entire paragraph and she didn’t mention her contentious divorce, her custody battle, her dead friendship with Carole, or SkinnyGirl, even once.

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Last week, Blake Shelton was performing in concert and announced to the crowd that his guitarist had embarrassed himself in front of 200,000 people by playing the wrong song.

Then, as Shelton does, he embarrassed himself because he fell onstage; he didn’t trip, y’all, he just tumbled. And then said:

“And yes I had been drinking. A lot…”

Boy, I love spending my hard-earned coins from my job as a Walmart greeter to plunk down a hundred bucks to see some drunk guy fall down onstage. I mean, why not save some cash, buy a fifth of bourbon, play Blake’s music in my living room and drink till I pass out.

It’d be the same thing. Amirite?

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I’ve often said I’d marry Matt Lauer just so I could walk away a multi-millionaire when he gets caught being a sexual predator, but that bitch Annette Roque beat me to the punch.

Last I heard, Annette was said to be walking away from Pervy Lauer with four of the family homes and cash winnings of $20 million. Well, the divorce is settled, and it appears that Annette has won $50 million in cash and prizes … a horse farm, a house in the Hamptons, two other homes, and over $25 million in unmarked bills.

The best news? Lauer is said to be furious about the deal because Annette is getting half of his estimated fortune of $100 million.

Oh, Matty, you should’a kept your dick in your pants, your mouth shut and your hands to yourself. Ass.

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This is filed under the You Knew What You Were Getting When You Started Dating a Kardastrophe, AKA the Stop Acting Stoopid file.

Younes Bendjima, Kourtney Kardastrophe’s boyfriend, got his panties in a bunch when he began taking a stroll through his media whore girlfriend’s social media pages and discovered Kourtney loves to show her ass on the internet.

And.He.Was.Shocked. He saw the photo and commented:

“That’s what you need to show to get likes?”

No, that’s what she needs to show so That Woman will cut her a check every month because her only job is as a social media nude model.

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And lastly, let’s end with one of the dumbest people I’ve ever heard of: Wiz Khalifa.

Apparently, he was on some chat show and said that a straight man should never eat a whole banana in public because it’s “sus,” meaning “suspect”, meaning it looks like he has a dick in his mouth.

Seriously. Um, Wiz, eating a banana whole does not make you gay. Taking a banana and shoving it up your ass might mean your gay, though, so be careful about that. M’kay?

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Wow.

I never saw this coming, though, well, I’m not really surprised; he’s a three-time loser in the marriage game now. Three strikes and you’re out, or maybe three strikes and you can come out?

I thought the Republican National Convention—with the Ron Paulettes and the Not-Romney’s going up against the GOP machine—was going to be the biggest, hottest mess of the year. Not so. That title goes to the Cruise-Cruise divorce.

Yup. Apparently Katie has snapped out of her Scientology-stupor and has filed for divorce from Tommy Grrrrl. And it is not going to be a pleasant split.

See, according to a statement from Tommy’s handlers, he was “blindsided” by the announcement….in much the same way that Nicole Kidman was blindsided when Tommy filed for divorce from her.

Payback is a bitch, and it’s ALLEGEDLY Katie Holmes. Who ALLEGEDLY didn't sign the standard Promise To Stay Married To Tommy Grrrl For Ten Years like Wife ! and Wife 2.

Katie, I guess she won’t be answering to Kate anymore, filed for divorce yesterday, citing that old Hollywood standby, “irreconcilable differences.” But the ugly comes in because she has also asked for sole legal custody and “primary residential custody” of little Suri.

In other words: Tommy will be a weekend Dad, at best. See, Katie saw what happened when Tommy dropped Nicole, with their children, and she is not about to let him do the same to their daughter.

This.Could.Get.Ugly.

And fun, you know, for me!

Matt Lauer is a douche.

Yeah...he's really gonna miss her

Ever since the Today Show ratings took a hit earlier this year—after being on top for about a hundred years—reports have surfaced that Lauer wanted new co-host Ann Curry gone.
You know, because it’s all her fault.
And now comes the sweepstakes over who takes Curry’s spot. One story I heard is that Hoda Kotb, who co-hosts The Today Show’s 5^th or 6^th hour—alongside Kathie Lee Drunkard—would be stepping in; and that would make room for a new co-host for Kathie Lee, in one Regis Philbin.
Well, that’s interesting. Of course, other names crept in, too, like Savannah Guthrie, or maybe me! But one name that isn’t being tossed into the hat is that of Matt Lauer’s ALLEGED former mistress, Natalie Morales.
Yup. The same Natalie who may have schtupped her some Lauer. And the same Natalie who ALLEGEDLY has a young child who looks a little Lauer-esque.
Yeah, that Natalie Morales. But it seems that, as much as Lauer likes Natalie, he wasn’t keen on having her sit by his side…at least on TV.
And maybe that bit of news will see Natalie Morales leave The Today Show and NBC as well.
A source—and I’m betting on Ann Curry—says: “If Natalie’s passed over for the job, she’s going to leave next.”
See, Natty has been with Today since 2006 and was thought to be Meredith Vieira’s replacement when she left last year, but Curry snagged the job. And Natty has never been happy about that, you know.
The source—bye Ann—says: “This will be the second time [Natalie] has been passed over for the top job. And she’s not happy.”
Hmmm, since Matty just scored a new contract worth some $25 million a year, maybe Natty could go the paternity suit route and sue him for some coins?
Just a thought.

Matty & Natty

Now, while we’re still on The Today Show kerfuffle, let’s talk about who might be truly responsible for keeping Natalie Morales away from Matt Lauer and his lap.
Rumor has it that it’s none other than Matty’s second wife, Annette Roque, who has already tried to leave Lauer once before, going so far as to file for divorce before ultimately deciding that Matty was her Goose that Laid the Golden Contract.

And, maybe, well, Annette got wind that NBC was dumping Curry and that Natalie Morales might be getting that job and she hightailed her Louboutins over to Lauer’s office and laid down the law: No.Mistress.Cohost.EVER!

Matty & The Missus

It seems that if Natalie is even being considered for the job, Annette is threatening to divorce Matty.
It’s gonna get ugly.
If Natty doesn’t get the gig, she’s out.
If Natalie gets the gig, Mrs. Lauer is out.
And if Annette leaves, well a huge chunk of Matty’s millions goes with her, and you know he won’t let that happen; hair plugs are expensive.
So, my guess is that Natalie and Ann might be cleaning pout their desks at the same time, and Annette Roque will be getting a lot of new shoes.

The tabloids are throwing a lot of different stuff at Johnny Depp about why he left his not-wife after fourteen years and a couple of kids.
But it doesn’t seem to be affair-fueled gossip; no, it just seems that Johnny was, well, bored.
A source—and it may be one of the two women rumored to be dating Johnny now….bisexual Amber Heard o dumped her girlfriend for Depp, or his publicist Robin Baum—who claim, “Johnny was bored senseless and he wanted out of the relationship for a really long time.” 
But rumors are that Johnny, who was seen last year exciting the home of one of those Olsen troll dolls wearing the same clothes he was wearing the night before—Walk of Shame—is seeing multiple women now.

Amber. 
Robin. 
A Troll. 
The girl behind the counter at Starbucks. 
My next door neighbor...I mean a creepy looking guy has been sniffing around over there for a few weeks now.
Well, I guess if you’ve got two or three or seven girlfriends that whole notion of being bored is just flies out the window.
Just saying.

Oh Madonna. A nipple to stay in the news, followed by a moon shot for publicity. Then the leaking of your tour rider to show how crazy you really are, and to keep your face, or ass, on the front page. Whatever will you do next? I mean, other than losing the British accent and recording some decent music?
Well, it seems that Madge has revealed that she has a team of cleaners come in after she leaves her hotel room, her backstage areas, her bathroom, her limo, her toilet, her bidet, so that her DNA can be completely scrubbed from every surface.
Yup. MDNA don’t leave no DNA. In true diva style AKA a desperate need for publicity, Madge has set up a “sterilization team” to wipe away any DNA—hair, skin, saliva--that may have been dropped in her rooms after she leaves.
In fact, obsessive compulsive Madge orders that only she and her entourage are allowed ­backstage passes. In fact, concert promoter Álvaro Ramos, overseeing the ­Portuguese leg of the spectacle, says: “We have to take extreme care, like I have never seen for any other artist. We cannot even look at the dressing room, after it is ready, or even open the door. We can only enter after her sterilization team has left the room. There will not be any of Madonna’s DNA, any hair, or anything. They will clean up ­everything. In the end it is all to protect her and make her feel comfortable. I do understand it, but it is taken to extremes.”
Protect her? I wonder if it isn’t being done to protect those who use the spaces after Madge.
God only knows where she’s been.

So, Johnny “Bathing Suit Area” Travolta has been keeping a low profile since the dozens and dozens of men have come forward to say that he sexually harassed, groped, or propositioned them at spas all over the world.
But even Travolta has to come out of hiding at some point, eh? And what will he do when he does that? How will he act? What might he say and do?
Well, Johnny and his Scientology-bot wife, Kelly Preston, who knows which side of the bank account to be on, were at the Savages premiere in LA last week and they were giving all sorts of PDA.
You know, cuz people think Travolta’s a big old nympho-mo so he and the missus have to “act” like a loving couple.
Let’s just dissect the shots:

Her lips say "Happy" while her eyes say "Ick."

Smile baby.
And act like you lime it and aren't thinking
about that bottle of Purell in your purse.

Careful Kelly! Your hand is dangerously close
to Johnny's Bathing Suit Area,
AKA The Forbidden Zone

Notice how Kelly is looking at the camera
to make sure they get this "candid" shot?

Of course, the story is that they arrived separately, worked the carpet and their tongues, together, and then left separately.
Yeah, I ain’t fooled.

What does a freak do when he gets fired from one TV show for being an alcoholic, drug-taking, prostitution-buying, knife-wielding, spousal batterer and then gets a new show and needs some press?
Well, if you’re Charlie Sheen, you head back to New York—which was the beginning of his very public meltdown last year—to do a round of press for your new show, the high-lariously entitled Anger Management and you trash your hotel room.
And, as a result, Sheen has ALLEGEDLY been banned from all Ritz Hotel properties, and I’m thinking he’s also been banned from ever eating a Ritz Cracker or even singing Putting On The Ritz.
Maybe they can start calling his TV show The Ritz and he can get banned from there as well?

No Lohan news this week.
I guess she was able to score the good stuff and holed up in a hotel somewhere.
Maybe next week……?