It's Snarkurday!

SNL premiered last weekend. Ariana Grande was supposed to be the musical guest, but she backed out; I was glad until I learned that Kanye would be the replacement … luckily, we DVR the show and I Fast forward through musical bull shit …especially when, during the first number, he wore what looked like a bottle of Clorox.

At the end of the show, after Adam Driver signed off, Kanye was scheduled to do one more song, but decided to air a commercial rap about _____ whilst wearing his MAGA hat. It did not go well … in fact it did not make it on TV though the audience got the brunt of it.

He talked about the Democrats are hatching a plan to keep black people on welfare and how ____ is love but then Kanye, oh, I mean, Ye, was furious about the snub and demanded that the cast and Adam Driver come back onstage and not saying why and then he went off on them.

Even though the show had given him everything he asked for, including a third performance at the close, Kanye complained that he had been “bullied backstage” about wearing the MAGA hat. Except that was a lie; an insider, and you know it’s Keenan, said:

“No one bullied him about wearing the MAGA hat. He wore it in promos and all week before the show even aired and was asking everyone if they thought he should wear the hat, interns, anyone walking by who would listen.”

But, you know, Kanye, poor mistreated, misunderstood Kanye, who thinks _____ is the savior didn’t get his way and pitched a hissy.

He should have tea with Miss Lindsey.

photo

Speaking of hot messes …and Lindsey’s, er, Lindsay’s … Lohan is back!

It seems Lindsay was in Moscow—where high-class call girls go—and spotted a family of four that appeared to be living on the street. The family might have been Syrian, though that’s unclear, but they spoke no English.

So, Lindsay offered them money to stay in a hotel for a night, but they appeared not to understand what she was saying … or they didn’t want a room at the Hooker Suites Red Square. So, she then began live-streaming the interaction of her trying to talk to a homeless family until it got weird.

Lohan tried to take one of the children away, saying that she just wanted the kid to stay in a hotel for “one night, one night, one night.” The family grabs their kids and tries to move, but Lindsay keeps telling them she’ll take the one kid just for “one night.”

And she follows them and accuses them of “trafficking children” and accuses them of "ruining Arabic culture by doing this.” At various points during the live-stream, Lohan adopts several poorly done fake accents, including one accent that sounds Indian, which she used to shriek:

“Is he your son? From Pakistan? Don’t **k with Pakistan.” 

It did not end until the mother turned and stopped the rampaging Lohan with a punch in the face.

Seriously. Did she think she was making a low-budget version of Taken? Or Not Without My Daughter [Son]? Or was it Lohan’s reboot of The Parent Trap?

At any rate, we know that she’s still a wackjob. I mean, if you ever stopped thinking she was a wackjob.

photo

There are always stories about who’s gonna be the new James Bond. I mean we’ve heard Clooney, Idris Elba, Emily Blunt and even Harry Styles, but here’s one you probably never thought about …

Michael Jackson.

Tis true; apparently uber agent Mike Ovitz claims that back in the 80s, the King of Pop wanted to be Bond. Jackson begged Ovitz, and his business partner Ron Meyer, about taking on the role of Bond, though Ovitz clearly thought it was crazy and says he listened just to be nice… Jackson’s hat fell into the guacamole:

“Then the blob fell off, and Ron totally lost it. I cracked up, too, and Michael stalked out. I found him and explained for 15 minutes that we hadn’t been laughing at him … Finally, Michael’s face cleared. ‘OK, Ovitz. OK,’ he said. ‘But I want to play James Bond.’ I am proud to report I didn’t laugh, this time.”

And, to be fair, Ovitz did explain to Jackson that he was too thin and too, um, sensitive to be taken seriously as Bond. Jackson seemed to understand, but then opted to portray himself as someone who would take down Bond and he wrote “Smooth Criminal” as his response.

And if you’ve seen the video, you know he’d be better suited playing Jane Bond.

Just sayin’.

photo

Bradley Cooper is out promoting the fourth reboot of A Star is Born and has some interesting tales to tell. He claims he once lost a role because he was deemed not “f**kable” enough?

Seriously?

“I’ve always been an underdog. I was always operating under the lens of not really being seen as the ‘main guy.' Early on, I didn’t get a role because they said I wasn’t ‘fuckable.'”

I’m’a just say this …I saw Cooper paly an unethical lawyer on an early episode of Law & Order: SVU and if he was f**kable then, he’d have been f**kable any day.

I mean he was a lawyer with bad hair and I’d have done him.

Oh, maybe that says more about me? 

photo 1, 2

It’s been a year since Jane Fonda served shade to Megyn Kelly for asking about plastic surgery, and clearly Megyn’s show must be sinking because she’s just thirsty enough to start talking about it …again!

Megyn is now saying she regrets the moment, though not because she should have asked the question, but because she never should have had an Oscar winning legend on her show in the first place when there are kids with cats to interview.

But Megyn now claims, a year later, that Fonda had answered that question many times before—which may explain why she was annoyed, hoping that this seasoned “journalist” could find a better question—and says she think Fonda grew annoyed because, well, let her say it:

“She answered that question in about 40 different forums. It was nothing wrong with me … I think the issue was somebody who used to work at Fox News was asking it of her that particular day. There’s nothing I can do about that. I know some people don’t like Fox News, and some people don’t like me and that’s OK.”

Poor Megyn thinks it’s because she was a Fox News hack? Um, Megyn, Fonda knew you had come from Fox before she agreed to the interview, so if she had an issue with being questioned by you she would have declined.

You’re looking desperate and thirsty for attention … again.

photo

Sex and the City was a cute show. The first movie was a cute-ish show. The second film was a sh*t show.

So, like most people save some in the cast, I was glad Kim Cattrall pulled the plug on the idea of a third movie. But then SJP lost her shiz because Cattrall called her out on her BS, and then Kristin Davis chimed in because she needs the coins, and then some of the supporting actors went after Kim because they had time between shifts at Starbucks.

But some fans want a third film because they need to see something while Long Island Medium is on hiatus, so they asked SJP to have Samantha written off or even killed in a third reboot:

“You are still my hero. Please replace or write her out Kim/Samantha if she is not interested and bring back sex and the city movie #3. The fans need this.”

SJP, though, knows how her bread is buttered and that no one wants to see a Samantha-less SATC, or any SATC for that matter and she responded to the idea:

“Not sure if I can imagine doing another movie without her.”

That sounds nice, but it once again portrays Kim as the bully and not an actor who realizes the show is over.

Now, kill off Charlotte and we may have something.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Most of us have known for years that Justin Bieber is a douche, but it’s only been about a week since we also learned he's a racist douche after not one, but two, and some say many more, videos have dropped showing him to be a lover of the N-word and the KKK.

Well, his peeps have a plan to save Justin's career, and, of course, their paychecks: have him baptized in a bathtub.

Oh, but they did. Pastor Carl Lentz — who works with Bieber in NYC — spent a week doing intense Bible study with Justin last month, focusing on studying Bible passages and attending services … culminating in an actual baptism performed in the bathtub of a friend.

Why a bathtub?  JB previously checked out a bunch of churches for the dip — but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private. Plus, you know, he really needed a bath.

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart were never going to last, and after the latest rumors about Casper’s sexting affair with transsexual model Sofie Viss, there was no way it could continue.

But the funny thing is that, though the story of Casper's dalliances with transsexual model's broke just last week, JLo is trying to tell us that the couple broke up a month-and-a-half ago, you know, so it doesn't look like her Little Boy cheated on her. But, um, he went to a photo shoot with Jell-O just last week and is still living in the manse, so, yeah, lie.

I mean, how could anyone cheat on JLo when that's what she does? It's a shame, though, that her book on love will be coming out now that she's a single gal on the block.

Oops, i typed too soon, because it seems now that JLO might already be dating dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy who is amazingly only ten years younger than Jell-O.

So, perhaps the Biggest Media Whore™ in the world isn't named Kardastrophe, or called That Woman, after all. No, the Biggest Media Whore™ of all time has to be Tori Spelling.

First we had the reality series about Tori and Dean cranking out babies after they met and banged in Canada while away from their respective spouses. Then we had Tori doing a reality show about opening a business, moving from LA, buying a house in LA, which all lead up to the inevitable Tori Spelling reality show about her cheating husband cheating on her and their subsequent attempts to stay together.

That series ended and not it appears that the Biggest Media Whore™ and her lapdog husband want to do a reality show about how they found their way back to one another and will renew their wedding vows on, where else, reality TV followed by another Reality TV Baby.

Biggest Media WhoriTori. Cue vomit.

So, those crazy kids Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, who also met while cheating on their spouses some twenty years ago, have called an end to their eighteen-year marriage. 

Is it because Melanie spends more time in rehab and a plastic surgeons office than at home, or is it because Antonio suffers from WPS, Wandering Penis Syndrome?

Whatever .. they are both spinning the “We have thoughtfully and consensually decided to finalize our almost twenty years marriage in a loving and friendly manner honoring and respecting each other, our family and friends and the beautiful time we have spent together.”

If it's all so lovely and sweet and friendly, why divorce? Oh yeah, rehab, Botox, schtupping.

Halle Berry has been court-ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her first Baby Daddy, Gabriel Aubry, and the world is going crazy.

Why? Because a woman is paying child support. But Halle makes much more money than Aubrey and if little Nahla is expected to continue to live the life of luxury her mama provides, then she needs that same lifestyle with daddy.

It's only fair; if Aubrey was the money man in that relationship, he'd be coughing up the dough and no one would care, so it’s only right that Halle write the checks until Nahla turns 19, or graduates high school.

And by then Halle will also be paying child support to ex-husband and baby Daddy Two, Olivier Martinez.

Remember watching Lindsay Lohan on her reality show docu-series and listening to her talk about how her family is the most important thing in her life? Well, I do, but apparently Lindsay herself has forgotten.

See, it seems Lindsay's youngest brother, Dakota, was graduating from high school recently and Lindsay couldn't be bothered to attend because she's busy filming her comeback appearing on a cheap sitcom partying in London.

In fact, rather than celebrate her brother's transition from high school to college--something Lindsay knows nothing about--she's been posting pictures of her London rampages from party to party, pipe to pipe.

Of course, Dakota's daddy, the patriarch of crazy, Michael Lohan, also skipped the event, though he had a better excuse; he needed to stay in Florida and babysit his kids because their mother is in jail.

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Khloe Kardashian has been laying low since The Pre-Divorce Ceremony of Kim and Kanye, but one thing she has done is take to Instagram post a picture of brother Rob and herself as children and bemoan his absence from the family, saying:

 “I miss my best friend @robkardashian.”

Rob, though, will never see it, because right after he fled Italy, before The Pre-Divorce Ceremony, he either got into a fight with Kim because she said he's fat or got into a fight with That Woman because she thinks he's a disgrace to the family since he doesn't whore himself out at every turn.

I think he's looking like the only smart one in that whole Klan.

Michael Jackson‘s kids — Paris, Prince and Blanket — were never going to be short on cash, we all knew that. They were born rich and they’ll die rich, er, richer, because Jacko is now worth more dead than he ever was alive and his children reap the benefits by having an allowance of $8 million dollars a years, with an additional $20,000 per month of "walking around money."

Yes, that's what I said. And what do they spend it on?

Prince spent $50,000 on custom-made jewelry for three of his girlfriends, plus $40,000 on a new Ford pick-up truck. But he'S desperate to save money so he can buy back Daddy's Neverland Ranch, currently in control of creditors, for the asking price of $35 million.

Paris also spends money on hangers-on friends, but a large chunk of her money goes toward her continuing stay at a therapeutic boarding school, following last year’s suicide attempt. 

Blanket takes his cousins to expensive dinners and movies at a cost of $500-per-person-per-night plus tip; he also spends $200 an hour for karate lessons and a personal trainer.

All three offspring take three vacations a year, totaling $350,000 including first-class airfare and security; in Hawaii, they stay in a $5,500-per-night suite; in Vegas, they rent the Bellagio’s penthouse suite for 5K per night.

Sheesh. My allowance barely covered Gummy Bears, but you just know these three kids will turn out normal. I mean, they have the examples of LaToya and Jermaine to follow, right?

So, Lea Michele has moved on after the drug overdose of former co-star and boyfriend Cory Monteith. But has she chosen wisely? You be the judge.

She has been secretly dating a man named Matthew Paetz for a few months. He's rather good-looking and often works as a model, which Lea must like, but I wonder how much she knows about his other job as an escort?

On his Facebook profile, Paetz lists his occupation as a “certified life coach, dating expert and massage therapist” — whatever that means — but on his escort page on Cowboys 4 Angels, where he goes by the name of “Christian”, his occupation is listed as “Straight Male Escort For Women – Male Companion For Women”.

But maybe now that he's hooked himself a real star Paetz has taken a hiatus from being a Cowboy for an Angel.

So, it was only a month or so ago that serial gambler Ben Affleck was caught counting cards at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and ejected, though, to be fair, he was subsequently invited back.

But now he's in Detroit filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and spends a great deal of time over the border at the Caesars Windsor Hotel and Casino in Windsor, Ontario and he's taken the card counting act on the road and was promptly kicked out again.

An eyewitness — and I'd say it was Lohan if she wasn't drunk and bobbing up and down on the Thames about now — says, “Ben walked in and went straight to the card games. His hair was a disaster, and he looked like a mess! He sat down and played for roughly 20 minutes before security heard he was there. They made the dealers stop what they were doing and asked him to leave. Ben seemed pretty mad.”

Mad? At being caught counting cards again? Affleck needs to find a new shtick, like, oh, I dunno, going home to his family after work?

There’s a saying that goes Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and that appeared to be true this week when Kanye West, after Jay Z and Beyoncé skipped out on his Pre-Divorce Ceremony, omitted Jay Z’s name from all of his lyrics during his recent performance at Austin’s X Music festival.

It was first noted by a concert-goer, who goes by the tag ‘okstatetw,’ on an online forum Kanye to the (via Consequence of Sound) who noticed something peculiar about Kanye’s rap: “First time he [skipped Jay Z's name], I [thought], ‘Ehh that’s odd, maybe he’s just letting the crowd finish it whatever.’ Then [Kanye] skipped his name again … Definitely obvious and intentional.”

And Okstatetw posted two videos of Kanye onstage and the change in lyrics:  “Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team” was rapped as “Lucky I ain’t had … drop him from the team.”

In the song Blood on the Leaves, the recorded version says: “I don’t give a damn if you used to talk to Jay Z / He ain’t with you, he with Beyoncé, you need to stop actin’ lazy”.  In concert, though, Kanye again left out Jay Z’s name and revised that last line to say: “You need to stop actin’ crazy!”

Like I said, Hell hath no fury …

Random Musings

This week, Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, had Karl Rove’s back, arguing that it’s "fair game" to discuss Hillary Clinton's health and age, and insinuate, a la Rove, that she suffers from some sort of brain damage. You know, to make her look old and feeble and unable to govern the nation when she wins the White House in 2016.

Funny, though, the GOP thinks she’s suffered some sort of brain trauma and yet managed to be the evil genius behind a Benghazi cover-up at the same time.

Hypocrites all.

Well, whaddya know The Gays can marry in Oregon making it the 18th state to allow equality — after U.S. District Court Judge Michael McShane struck down the state’s ban as “utterly arbitrary and completely irrational” and in violation of the equal protection and due process guarantees of the U.S. Constitution.

Since the governor, John Kitzhaber, and his attorney general have already made clear they intended to abide by any decision striking the ban same-sex couples began marrying in Oregon minutes after the ban died a much-needed death.

Bravo.

Can someone, anyone, get the folks at FoxNews an intern who can actually spell? Or is that asking too much ... since it's FoxNews?

I don’t watch the Duggars on TV, where they seem to revel in the fact that Mama Duggar has pushed nineteen children through her uterus over the last couple of decades or so. I am not big on the multiple breeders, especially the ones who say they have all these children because that’s what God intended for them and they always do what God says. And this, apparently, means they will defy God’s natural order of things by using in vitro fertilization to bring Baby#20 into the world.

Somewhere God is shaking her head.

The Michael Sam reality show docu-series that Oprah was trying to rush into production so that the public forgets about her last reality-show docu-series, Lindsay, has been put on hold at OWN. It seems the St. Louis Rams feel that ‘The Untitled Michael Sam Project’ would turn Sam’s transition to the team into more of a media circus than it already is, and asked Oprah to step back, have a cookie, and rethink.

The project had been labeled a 'distraction' for Sam, and for anyone who wanted to watch it because, you know, it’s OWN and Oprah would have worked her way into the show some way, perhaps playing Sam’s long-lost aunt or something, because whatever she does, it all, and always, about Oprah.

I didn’t watch the Billboard Music Awards last week because, well, I just didn’t care enough to watch them, and when I found out the biggest performer was Dead Michael Jackson Hologram, it made me realize my decision was the right one.

I mean, when Dead Performers are the stars of the show and the living performers are second-tier, we should maybe rethink music.

And when you toss in Robin Thicke using the stage to try and get his wife, Paula Patton, back after she left him because he’s a serial cheater, well, let me just say this to Robin:

You want your wife back? Stop singing to her and tell her you’ll stop f**king around on her because your “career” is just about over and you’ll soon be back to carrying her luggage.

M’kay?

Out there to Idaho, it seems that thousands of couples have tied the knot at the Hitching Post in Coeur d’Alene, but now the popular wedding spot says it will not perform marriages for same-sex couples, even if that means closing its doors after 95 years in business.

“We will not be marrying gay couples here,” said Donald Knapp, an ordained minister. Knapp said he follows biblical teaching on marriage, as do the other Christian ministers who perform weddings there. “I’m not antagonistic to people of that belief. If that’s what they want to do, they can choose to live together to do the things that they’re doing. I cannot in good conscience perform same-sex marriages.”

Christian love at its finest, eh?

On the other hand, down there in Costa Rica, they have no problem at all with The Gays.

In what is being called a first for the country, the Rainbow flag was raised alongside that country's own flag last week, above the Presidential Palace.

Newly-elected President Luis Guillermo Solíssaid he asked that the flag fly over his house so that it would be in time for last week’s International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia:

“This is the house of all Costa Ricans. When we say all Costa Ricans we mean all, without exclusion, without violence, without harassment in absolute respect for the rights of each one...We’re fighting against discrimination in defense of the human rights of all Costa Ricans."

It is allegedly the first time the gay pride flag had been flown from the offices of a head of state in the Americas.

You go, President Solíssaid!

Is it really weird that I thought Jesse Eisenberg looked kinda hot in Now You See Me?

Remember Phil Robertson, the star of the reality show Duck Dynasty who compared The Gays to drunks and terrorists and called The Gays “insolent, arrogant God haters”? ‘Memba him?

Well Republican and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is going to give him an award for Entrepreneurial Excellence, and called the Robertson family “great citizens” of the state.

Way to go, Bobby, give an award to a man who hates The Gays, and thinks Black people were happier before Civil Rights and that it’s just fine for a grown-ass man to marry a fifteen-year-old girl.

Louisiana? You suck for keeping that asshat in office.

So, the day after Oregon became the 18th state to make The Gays legally entitled to be married, Pennsylvania became the 19th state. And I don’t think it was a coincidence that this all happened on Cher’s 68th birthday, or the day after Bianca Del Rio became Drag Royalty, but there was a tinge of irony in the story that also made me giggle like a giddy schoolgirl.

The judge who ruled that The Gays can marry was a judge appointed by former President George W. Bush and wildly supported by Pennsylvania’s own Frothy Mix, Rick Santorum.

Ricky now, of course, is doing the GOP Goosestep about the whole thing but, let’s all realize that in one small way, we have Rick Santorum to thank for marriage equality in Pennsylvania!

Ya-freakin’-hoo!

Yesterday Carlos had an eye appointment and was to have his eyes dilated. Since he wouldn’t be good to drive after, I took the day off and went with him.

While sitting in the waiting room, I eavesdropped—hey, we all do it!—on two older ladies chatting and reading the paper and one snippet of their conversation went like this:

First Older Lady: Jerry Vale died.

Second older Lady: At the Koger Center.

First Older Lady: No, he … what?

Second Older Lady: Is he having a concert at the Koger Center?

First Older Lady: No. He.Died.

Second Older Lady: Then, no concert?

I tried hard not to laugh out loud.

It looks like those wacky Teabagger candidates are runnin’ outta steam as many of them were trounced in their elections in this week’s GOP primaries. Even that Old Turtle, Mitch McConnell, a GOP loon if there ever was one, decisively beat his tea party challenger by 24 percentage points.

It's the latest big beat-down for the Tea Party and a growing trend that their reign of irrational terror is waning. Of course, to be fair, it seems the ‘Baggers have been successful in pushing some of the more wingnutty GOPers to the right in open seat Republican primaries, but they haven't had any luck kicking out GOP incumbents this year.

Hopefully, even amongst the wingnuttiest of the GOP, this means a slow, painful death to Teabagistan.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

We have a lot to get to, y’all, so settle in and be warned: LINDSAY’S FREE!!!!

But first … Sharknado.

Never saw it, don’t care to, the title alone says it’s stupid. Plus, it star’s F-listers Tara Reid and Ian Ziering.

Stupid.

But, ALLEGEDLY, some folks watched it and now a sequel is planned. That’s the bad news; the hilarious news?

Tara Reid will not be asked back to reprise her role. So, you just know your career’s in the crapper when you don’t get asked back for part two of a web movie about a tornado full of sharks.

Just sayin’.

The last we heard about Reese Witherspoon she was all kinds of drunk and asking police officers if they knew her name; you know you’re really drunk if you hafta ask a cop to tell you your name. But I digress.

I think Reese might still be drinking because girl just went to a hair salon to have her hair dyed back to blond from the brown she wore in the movie she was making when she was all arrested and stuff.

I say she must still be drinking because Reese paid $1500 to have her hair colored.

I hope they colored in with real gold for that price.

Sidenote: She ALLEGEDLY knew her own name in the salon so there was none of that uncomfortable silence.

Justin Bieber is spitting again.

I think he should change his stage name to D’Spitter and just come onstage and spit on folks because it seems it’s what he does best.

I mean, he spit in the face of one of his neighbor’s who yelled at him for speeding, and he spit in the face of a DJ who had a camera in his hands, and now he apparently took to spitting all over his fans from a Toronto hotel balcony.

The photos were snapped Thursday in Toronto, show Miss Justine perched Evita-like atop her hotel balcony and dropped a saliva bomb to the crowd below.

At least he didn’t treat his fans like a mop bucket and piss on them.

Okay, so Lohan’s out of full-time rehab and is ALLEGEDLY staying at a sober-living house—which means she’s not at Dina’s.

But she has plans; she’s off to La Grande Apple to promote her porn film The Canyons and then she’s doing an interview with Oprah—for two million bucks—and she might go one Letterman.

But then she says she’s going to Europe to ‘relax’; for Lohan that means party like, well, Lindsay Lohan. Apparently one of Lohan’s friends/dealers is offering to pay her expenses for a ‘job well done’ in rehab, and Lindsay hopes it will give her some privacy during her post-rehab days.

It’s Europe … what could go wrong?

I mean, last time there were pictures of her snorting coke in a hotel room, and then there was the time she partied so hard she lost her passport and couldn’t make one of her many court dates.

Yeah, this bodes well.

American Idol just never learns. Do they?

It seems producers want JLo back now that Moo-riah is out to pasture, Randy Jackson is dawg tired, Nikki Minaj is hawking perfume and only Keith Urban looks like a returning judge.

But, as with all things JLo, it isn’t about the time, or the schedule, or the desire, it’s about the number of zeroes on the check.

During her first stint on the stale show, JLO earned some $15—nearly fifteen times what she gets for singing happy birthday to tyrants and murderers—but now she wants well over the $20 million mark. But a salary north of $20 million for four months’ work would sets a bad precedent for a TV show that has seen it’s audience dwindle from 21 million an episode in season 11, to just 14 million an episode this last year.

Yeah, it still looks stale. Both JLo and Idol.

Back to Lohan ….

Lindsay says she’s ready to make some big changes in her life, including plans to cut ties with some of the toxic friends in her circle. I wonder if she means the gal pal in London paying for her to party in Europe.

Still, rumor has it that Lindsay has made that list, and checked it twice, and will cut the people who are naughty, not nice.

Sources close to the actress—it’s Dina, looking for a payday—say Lindsay recently sat down at Cliffside and made a list of 100 friends … Friends? Dealers? Suppliers? Forgers? … and will remove 80 of them from her life.

No word on which side of the list Dina and Michael fall, but if Lohan is serious, her parents should be Top Two on the Cut List.

Scott Thorson — whose life with Liberace was turned into film Behind The Candelabra — is talking, again, about his affair with Michael Jackson. And I thought it was icky that he and Lee were doing the deed but this ….

Thorson says he “was introduced to Michael Jackson through Liberace back in 1977 and we had a fantastic relationship. … When [Liberace and I] broke up in 1982, Michael swept me off my feet and said, ‘Hey, I’m breaking away from the Jackson 5. I’m going solo’. This is when the Thriller tour started. Michael swept me off my feet.”

And, he says, they were lovers for a short while. Thorson — currently on US probation for identity theft — said he and Jacko stayed pals until Jackson died in 2009 from a drug overdose. And Thorson, who endured hours and hours of plastic surgery to look like his former lover, Liberace, blames the plastic surgery for Jackson’s death: “Michael started his drug addiction because of the plastic surgeons.”

Or, maybe he started his addiction when he realized he was screwing a Liberace knock-off.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Britney Spears she was being all edgy and stuff, singing a song called, ‘If U Seek Amy,’ which is a subtle — or not so subtle — way of saying, F**k me. Go ahead, say the name of the song out loud and really listen; I’ll wait.

Good, you’re back. Well, how does one follow up a F**k me song? By singing ‘Ooh La La’ in the new Smurf’s movie. And then showing up at the premiere looking like you have no idea who all the tiny blue people are and what they’re doing there. Or maybe she saw the movie already and her face is her review ….

Britney. Britney. Britney.

More Lohan? I knew it!

After leaving rehab, going to Europe, promoting her porn film, spilling her guts to Oprah, talking to Letterman, Lindsay will have an actual paying job!

Lohan is set to guest host Chelsea Handler‘s Chelsea Lately.

Bad idea, say what? Isn’t Chelsea Handler a comedian? Isn’t her show all kinds of bad taste funny? How will Lohan even measure up unless ….

The whole idea is for Lohan to guest host so that when Chelsea comes back she can spend a week ridiculing Lindsay for her really awful, high-lariously bad, interviewing skills.

I mean, picture Lohan asking her guests questions: Where do you score prescription meds? How do you manage not to show your firecrotch when getting out of a car? Will you take my parents away from me?

This.Could.Be.Huge.

And, speaking of Lohan parents: Dina Lohan.

While her daughter was in rehab for her decade’s long addictions to alcohol and drugs, Dina Lohan made an appearance at the premiere of Lindsay’s porn film, The Canyons.

And, I guess since she was representing Lindsay, Dina felt it best to show up in all kinds of intoxication. And she brought along the lawyer that Lindsay fired, mid-trial, Mark Heller, who appeared to need to hold Dina up.

Seriously, Lohan, I know you read this, because your name is your Google alert, Put yo mama on the toxic list.

And, let’s end up back at a story about American Idol; or, at least, former Idol bad guy, Simon Cowell.

He’s gonna be a daddy, y’all! It seems like Simon has done knocked up some New York socialite named Lauren Silverman; and, the, um, interesting thing is that Lauren Silverman is a married lady. She and her husband, Andrew, aren’t even legally separated and no paperwork has been filed, though they are said to be estranged.

And the sick part is Simon and Andrew were/are friends.

I guess the friend that impregnates your wife is, well, not really a friend. 

And apparently, he’s not keen on daddy-hood: “God, no. I couldn’t have children. If I had them here drawing on the walls I’d go nuts. With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from. You’ve got to be up at a certain time. Got to listen. When all you want to do is sit in a corner thinking.”

Yeah, this’ll be good.