Snarky Thoughts

Recently Kate Hudson posted a topless photo on Instagram of herself sipping a coffee in London, with her hair carefully covering her breasts, writing:

“[Sun]’s out.”

The pic garnered lots of love from fans and people like Michelle Pfeiffer, Selma Blair and Janelle Monae but Hudson’s older brother, Oliver, wasn’t impressed, and posted:

“Nope.”

People noted that Oliver really shouldn’t talk because his Instagram avatar is his bare, very white, ass.

My thought: I’ll look at Oliver’s bare ass any day, but not his sister’s boobs. That’s just me.

Kate Oliver

Martha Stewart recently went on Chelsea Handler’s podcast, Dear Chelsea, and wished death upon her married friends. See, it seems that Martha had “two mad crushes” recently, and one of the men was married to the mother of a friend of hers. Now, Martha is no home wrecker, but she did say this:

“I always think, oh gosh, couldn’t that person just die?” 

My thought: I adore Martha, so just know that if she is hot for your man and she wants you dead before she jumps his bones, er, boner, don’t eat at her house.

Martha Vixen

Kim Kardashian told Allure Magazine that her beauty is all real and that she has only ever used “a little” Botox and never ever had any fillers.

My thought: it takes more than a little Botox to make your face utterly immovable, and Kim is all filler, yet no substance.

Kim Then and Now

Ray J is annoyed that people don’t know he and Brandy are siblings, so to make sure y’all know he got his sister’s face tattooed on his leg.

My thought: I love my sister but I would never tattoo her face on my body, and if I didn’t I wouldn’t add graffiti to it.

Ray J and Prison Brandy Tat

I Ain't One To Gossip But .....

Oops, sorry Gwyneth, no one really cares.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who is delusional enough to believe anything GOOP touches turns to gold, was just smacked down, and it feels good.

It seems that the Go-Go’s musical Paltrow produced, Head Over Heels, is closing January 6 after struggling at the box office; it played just 188 times. And this Broadway GOOP debacle comes at the same time that overall ticket sales are booming; Paltrow’s show posted a weekly gross of more than $300,000 just twice during its run, and often played to less than half capacity.

Perhaps if she’d called it GOOP Over Heels and charged an arm-and-a-leg to get in? Nope, it still would have crashed.

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Update on the Paris Hilton-Chris Zylka engagement ring saga.

She’s keeping the ring because, well, we all knew this already, she paid for it. Chris couldn’t afford it and probably would have gone the Cubic Zylka route. 

Just sayin’.

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Years after making her name by doing porn, Kim Kardastrophe is now saying she was in a drug-induced state that caused to strip naked, spread her legs, raise her heels to Jesus and do the nasty for the cameras. KK says ecstasy is the reason she made her sex tape with Ray J, and ecstasy is why she married her first husband Damon Thomas.

No drug-related reasons were given for her subsequent marriages or nude antics.

Kim has been selling her body for publicity for well over a decade now, and now wants people to believe it all started because of a wild time? Well, I’m not buying it, though I’m sure it made for a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes.

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Methinks singer Shawn Mendes doth protest too much.

As is the case with every cute boy singer, people suspect that Mendes is a big old homo. And when he posted to social media in 2016 that he was most definitely not gay, that only added fuel to the Homosexual Fire.

Now, in an interview with Rolling Stone, Mendes said he’s obsessed  with what people say about his sexual orientation and so he’s working really hard at looking and acting more hetero.

He has changed the way he crosses his legs; seriously.

He regrets a video that appeared on social media of Taylor Swift applying glittery make-up to his face.

He says he had a panic attack while watching Love, Simon—about a young man coming out of the closet—and ran from the theater.

He says he needs to be photographed more with girls to show he’s not gay, but isn’t that just getting a beard?

And, oy, he does go on:

“So I don’t usually do this or bring up problems but I was on YouTube just watching some of my interviews and I was going down the comments and noticed a lot of people were saying I gave them a “gay vibe”. First of all, I’m not gay. Second of all, it shouldn’t made a difference if I was or if I wasn’t. The focus should be on the music and not my sexuality. Now I know 99% of you guys aren’t making assumptions like this but this is for the 1% of you that are. I just want you guys before you judge someone on the way they speak or act to think, I want you guys to think ‘hey, maybe I shouldn’t be judging someone’ or ‘wait it actually doesn’t even matter.’ They can do or be or feel however they want to feel. Now I’m not frustrated because people were saying that I was gay at all, I have no problem with that cause it wouldn’t make a difference to me. I’m frustrated because in this day and age people have the audacity to…write online that I’m gay as if it were a bad thing. That’s all I really have to say about that. I just wish those 1% of people would grow up. I love you guys.”

Like I said, methinks he doth protest too much.

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I’d always wondered why Kim Cattrall said ‘No’ to a third Sex and the City movie; sure, there’s that whole Sarah Jessica Parker shiz to deal with, but was there more? Was it the sexting with a child sub-plot?

We know that Big was to die so the film could have been all about Carrie the Widow, as opposed to Carrie the Serial Dater, Carrie the Jilted Bride and Carrie the Wife, but now there’s the story about Cattrall’s character, Samantha Jones, sexting with the 15-year-old son of Cynthia Nixon’s character, Miranda.

Yes, Samantha would have been looking at dick pics of Little Brady Hobbs.

I guess it wasn’t enough for SJP to have Samantha getting fat, or going through menopause, or running around naked and horny in a Muslim country, she wanted to make Samantha a pseudo-pedophile?

Not today Satan SJP.

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It was just a hot minute ago that we discussed Kim Kardastrophe’s newest ALLEGATION that she was high on ecstasy when she married the first time and when she made her porn debut.

But, Ray J, her porn co-star is saying, ‘Hold up, Big Ass, that’s a lie.’

Sources close to Ray J, which really means Ray J, say Kim hadn’t taken any drugs or had any alcohol during the filming; she did, however, smoke weed from a penis-shaped pipe; she’s classy like that.

As for Kim’s claim that she was high on ecstasy because, and she really said this, her “jaw was shaking,” the source says her mouth was trembling because she was getting “f**ked hard.”

Ray J is more than a little miffed because he says she was totally on-board before, during, and after—when her mother, That Woman, whored out the sex tape for coins and fame—filming.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Y’all remember that Les Moonves stepped down as CEO and chairman of CBS after being exposed by Ronan Farrow  for being an ALLEGED sexual harasser? Well, CBS launched an “internal investigation” and, depending on how it went, Moonves could end up with a $120 million severance package; AKA Perv Go Away coins. But now it looks like he may end up with zip …zilch … nada after another ALLEGATION that he covered up a rape.

Talent manager Marv Dauer  once managed an aspiring actress named Bobbie Phillips, and in 1995, he sent her to meet with Moonves—president of Warner Bros. at the time—to discuss the possibility of future TV appearances.

According to Bobbie, it didn’t take long before Les promised her the moon if she’d first thank him in the biblical sense, but before he could, um, finish, Moonves got a call and she ran out of the room. Marv says Bobbie told him Moonves had violated her, and she stopped acting and left the business.

But, recently, Bobbie decided to get back into acting, and Marv decided to represent her again. Marv had heard about that exposé on Moonves, so he called him up  and asked if there was any way he could get Bobbie some work—as a kind of sorry I sexually violated you, but here’s a gig on The Big Bang Theory. Moonves agreed, but said:

“I think I’ll be ok. But if Bobbie talks, I’m done.”

Bobbie was furious that Marv went to Moonves, but wasn’t going to the press until Moonves wen to the media himself and said:

“I strongly believe that the sexual encounter with Ms. Phillips more than 20 years ago was consensual.”

And that pissed Bobbie off, so now she’s happily talking, and that’s where it appears Moonves might lose his big package, severance package, because clearly the man has a tiny … Anyway, Moonves and Marv were texting about the sexual assault and what happened between Les and Bobbie, as well as talking about keeping her quiet in exchange for acting roles, and that could be seen as a coverup, a very bad thing when you’re being investigated for various allegations of misconduct.

I’m’a just say this: take away all his coins. Any man who uses his position of power to assault anyone should be seated next to Bill Cosby in the Attica dining hall while Julie Chen Moonves waits to visit.

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Since we’ve had a field day with Kim Kardastrophe, let’s throw her insane husband, Kanye Kardastrophe into the mix as well, and discuss her fat ass and his fat ego, and their utter lack of anything resembling intelligence or concern for the planet.

Kim claims to be Kanye’s “muse” and often travels with him to help him promote his various ego projects, but Kim also likes to show off her life of excess and idiocy and this last trip was no exception.

Kim and Kanye traveled overseas on a private 747 with about twelve people on board; twelve people on a plane that seats 660 passengers, plus a full crew, but it was just a few sycophants, Kim’s ass and Kanye’s ego, flying on a plane that could have held 55-times as many people as they chose.

I understand they have the money, and he has the ego, and she loves to show off her excessive, stupid, mind-numbingly idiotic behavior on social media, but this is just plain irresponsible.

And stupid; and fat-assed, and egotistical.

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It's Snarkurday .... But First, A Favor

If y’all just take a minute and send some positive thoughts to my brother, David, and his wife, Debbie, in California. They have lost their house and everything in it to the Paradise fire.

They are both okay, as are their pets, but now it’s a matter of rebuilding …

Send good thoughts their way … thanks.

We all know Alec Baldwin has a short fuse and that one day he’d be arrested for his temper, but who knew it would involve a parking space?

Yup, Alec Baldwin ALLEGEDLY punched someone while fighting over a New York City parking spot. Now, to be fair, parking your car in a Manhattan garage can cost a literal arm and a leg, but surely Baldwin has those kinds of coins, so why is he dueling it out for a sweet street spot?

Well, it’s because he claims he had a friend hold the spot for him—was he lying down in it—until some man managed to slip in without running over the Baldwin friend. And that’s when Alec went all … Alec … screaming “Fuck off!” and becoming more and more enraged until he punched the unnamed guy in the jaw.

This isn’t the first time Alec has been arrested, but it’s more fun than the previous time when he was collared for riding a bicycle on the wrong side of the road and not having his ID on him.

Now he’s punching out strangers because they pulled a swift one on his Parking Dog.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently still thinks she’s a big star … because one of her representatives—and that may be just the guy on the nearest bar stool—went begging for deals on a Facebook group for publicists and marketers asking that interested parties should “reach out if you rep a brand that is interested in endorsement opportunities with Lindsay.”

The rep then suggested that “acceptable brands include: fashion, beauty, car, lifestyle, CPG, fitness/lifestyle, food/drinks, entertainment/media, tech. Must have a substantial budget.”

He got three responses.

I get more than that for a picture of Tuxedo on my Timeline.

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Kim Kardastrophe, who once famously claimed, on social media, that she would dial back her social media activity, is now using … wait for it … social media, to explain why she’s an idiot.

Kim, and her BFF … not her husband … Jonathan Cheban, went to Kendall’s Halloween party dressed as Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee at the 1999 MTV VMAs because …? There is no answer.

And naturally Kardastrophe spent most of the evening filming herself and then posting it to Instagram asking people to guess her costume. And it turned out most people couldn’t figure it out … remember, she went as a has-been actress from 1999 … when most of her “fans” were still in utero, she got a little testy.

So, testy in fact, that she said, of one of the people who doesn’t know, or give a flying eff, about Pamela Anderson, “retarded.”

Yes. She did. And quicker than you can say Gimme more hits on social media she was back on social media apologizing for using the ‘R’ word:

“I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

You’d think being married to a lunatic would make her be more careful when choosing her words, but, you know, she’s an idiot.

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I do love some Emma Thompson …

She was recently appointed a Dame and Prince William awarded her the honor, with Thompson posting to social media:

“I love Prince William. I’ve known him since he was little, and we just sniggered at each other. I said, ‘I can’t kiss you, can I?’ And he said, ‘No, don’t!’”

I guess we’re all lucky it wasn’t Harry who proclaimed her a Dame; who knows what she might have asked to do with Hot Prince Ginger.

I have some ideas … but only for when Harry makes me a Dame!

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Back to the Kardastrophe that is Kim.

Remember when she became famous for doing a porn film with her then-boyfriend Ray J?
Well, now her co-star in that epic film is ALLEGEDLY talking, and not talking, about their sexy times together.

Ray J claims Kimmy would stop, mid-f**k, to reapply her make-up or to take a phone call from That Woman … who was probably directing the sex from a closed-circuit TV somewhere.

Naturally, retired porn star Kim Kardastrophe took to Twitter to call Ray J a pathological liar.

Bitch, look in a mirror. But maybe Ray J got a’scurred of That Woman’s evil powers because now he’s walking back his original story with a much longer, more boring version:

“I felt like I needed to come online and shut down all of these false rumors that are going on about me and what I said about somebody I’ve been with in the past… Let me make this one thing clear: I’m in a great place in my life. I’m happy. I love my wife. I’ve got a beautiful new baby girl, her name is Melody Love Norwood and I’ve been trying to be the best parent I can be. I would never say these things after watching my wife go through labor for 28 hours, okay? This is disgusting. The person I am now is not who I was in the past. And I need y’all to give me a chance to grow and to love and to respect the people I’m with without trying to slander my name, please. God is working, and obviously the devil is trying to work, too, but it will not happen. I will not let that happen, y’all… I love my wife and I have nothing but respect for everybody out there, past and present. False rumors.”

That’s a whole lotta nothing, and, you know, who doesn’t believe Kim would postpone the sex to fix her face, even her old one, or call her mama, or post a selfie?

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Sometimes, no matter how good you think you look, you shouldn’t be brag about your beauty costs.

Real Housewife of New Jersey, and ex-con, Teresa Giudice announced that she spends $22,077 a month on her beauty routine.

That’s a lot of pancake to spatula on and spray tanning via firehose. And when you consider all the money she is going to have to fork over for an immigration attorney in the coming months to keep her husband Joe from being deported after he gets out of the Big House, maybe Giudice ought to stick with budget Maybelline and Dollar Store Botox.

Amirite?

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Last spring, Judith Nathan Giuliani filed for divorce from Rudy Giuliani, claiming he was both a liar and a cheat …and not to mention a literal member of the rat family. But now Judy is adding more to her list of complaints about Rudy; she says he’s overspending their money and that he’s a fool.

That last one is a given.

Recent court documents accuse Rudy of spending $900,000 since their divorce filing, with a buttload going for his new mistress, cigars and … pens.

Pens? Pens. Yes, Rudy spent about $12,000 on cigars since he asked his wife to divorce him so he could marry his next mistress, and also bought $7,100 worth of pens. He’s also accused of spending $286,532 on his ALLEGED mistress, the still very married, Maria Rosa Ryan and $447,938 “for his own enjoyment”—wouldn’t that also be Maria?—as well as $165,165 “for travel expenses”.

And best of all, while Rudy is buying someone else’s wife and cigars and Bics, he is also claiming he cannot pay the third future ex-Mrs. Giuliani any support because he is “dealing with a diminished income” since he quit his law practice to go work for Donald Trump “for free”.

Free. That’s rich. The only thing Giuliani does for free is his mistresses ... until he leaves his wife, and then he starts paying.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Gwyneth Paltrow just got through trying to un-wedge a wedgie from her mouth after whining about how hard her life is as a Millionaire Mom and now she's gone and done it again! Here she is, in context, y'all, so remember that when she says her words were twisted, saying how hard it is to read about what a douche you are online:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

Yup, she compared reading "mean things" about Her Royal Assholiness to going to war, and one Cindy McCain, married to Grampa McCain, and mother of two sons serving in the military, is not happy with La Goop and Tweeted this:

“Gweneth [sic] Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her…Perhaps Gweneth Paltrow should go out on patrol with some soldiers. Kind of like a Red Carpet in her mind I guess!”

Oh yes she did. Snap. And I cannot wait for Gweneth — I may start using that spelling — to wriggle out of this latest bit of lunacy!

Emily Blunt recently sat down with the London Telegraph to discuss her co-starring role in the next Tommy Grrrl Cruise bomb, Edge of Tomorrow ... wait, wasn't that a 70s soap opera? Anyway, it's a routine interview until the writer brings up some snark Blunt tossed at Cruise and his kind of movies a while back.

See, back when she was a newbie in ‘The Biz’ Blunt said that she would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role “as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie” and so when the interviewer reminded her of the quote, she denied it:

“I never said that! What an awful thing to say.” 

Oops, then the interviewer brings out the article with that exact quote! Blunt laughs out loud and then says, “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier.”

But you're still in a Cruise Bomb.

If you ever wondered why Tori Spelling is such a media whore who would sell even the most agonizingly private moments of her life to the public, you need look no further than her mother, Candy.

In her second memoir Candy at Last, Old Lady Spelling tells the tale of the affair she had shortly after her wallet, er, husband, died. She had started seeing a man named Larry, but quickly stopped because he had a “penile implant” and just couldn't get enough of Candy's candy.

Ick.

Well, Charlie Sheen went and did it; he evicted his ex-wife, his baby mama, and the woman who took in two of his other children when that other ex-Mrs. Sheen spent the better part of a year in her twenty-seventh rehab, from the house he bought for her and his kids.

And all because his porn star fiancée commanded it.

He’s sold the home to a “friend,” although he’s allowing Denise and her girls, Sam, Lola and Eloise to remain in the home until the end of the school term."

What a gentleman, eh?

I say Denise move into a three bedroom place in the valley and let Charlie keep all of his money and hookers and whores and coke and be rid of him.

His girls would be better off.

Whitney Houston was an absolute legend who died long before her time, I'll grant you that, but I think even Whit might wake up and slap some sense into her family if she could.

See, there are some folks who want to make a movie about Houston and, well, it's a TV movie ... on Lifetime ... and Whitney's hangers-on — the ones living off her legacy — aren't at all happy.

After Lifetime made the announcement that they are planning on a biopic for 2015, with Angela Bassett making her directorial debut, that when the Houston’s had a problem. The family is so upset that Whitney won’t get feature film coverage that they’re considering a lawsuit to block production so they can make their own film, a kind of riff on the “This is It’” Michael Jackson movie.

And horror of horrors? Bobbi Kristina says she is the only actress capable enough to play Mama Whitney. Seriously? Bobbi Kristina? You bettah sit down, grrl, before you fall down.

Still, I wonder who will play Bathtub Whitney, though I imagine the Houston family will end their movie long before that happened, long before Bobby Brown, long before ‘crack is whack,’ like, say, right after "I Will Always Love You" became a big hit.

Lindsay Lohan is so in love with London that she'll do anything she can to live there even if she can't afford it.

She’s been telling everyone she wants to rent in London, but lacks the funds and is asking friends if they have flats that she can use. But, so far, all are saying No because no one wants to come home to an episode of Lindsay Lohan Crack Den Hoarders.

I'm betting she falls off the wagon again, goes to rehab again, gets out of rehab again and then hooks up with the UK's answer to Oprah — Graham Norton — and has him pay for a Brit version of her reality show docu-series and also pay for her to have a place to live.

Hey, it worked once y'all.

So, there is still gossip about how and why Solange Knowles "elevatored" Jay Z and the rumor that will not die is that it had something to do with his 'friendship' with designer Rachel Roy, but .... what if Beyoncé is the one having an affair a la Whitney in The Bodyguard?

Beyoncé’s bodyguard, Julius De Boer, became instantly famous when he saved her husband from crazy Solange. On the video from the elevator, Julius is all cool and calm and collected and now rumors are that he's kinda close to BeyBey. And it seems Jay Z thinks there's a little something going on. In fact, Jay wanted to fire Julius last February — before he saved Jay's ass — but Beyoncé put her foot down, then picked it back up and put it down put it down put it down.

It seems the singer and her bodyguard have raised eyebrows for years for their unusually close relationship; the eyebrows went higher back in '09 when Julius and Bey were spotted leaving a hotel, his lips stained with what looked like Beyoncé’s signature red lipstick.

Wow, to be stuck in an elevator while your wife's sister beats the crap outta you because she thinks you’re doing it with Rachel Roy, and then to have your wife’s ALLEGED lover save you?

No wonder Jay looked so glum after that elevator ride.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still here. 

The first season of their craptastic, desperate for attention Lifetime reality show True Tori has mercifully ended, but right there, near the end, Tori, who never had one part of her life she didn’t want to sell, or tell, in a feeble attempt to remain relevant, revealed that Dean got a special tattoo just for her. Now, he already has a tat of Tori’s face above his elbow — excuse me, I need a Vomit Break — but this new one he had inked right above his penis and it says "Tori's."

I guess he just wants to remind any women, or ALLEGEDLY, men who might wanna ride the Dean Peen, to whom it truly belongs.

Ick.

A little more news about the pre-divorce ceremony of Mr. and Mrs. Kardastrophe? Well, there are all kinds of new stories about Kanye Going Krazy at his own wedding, like …

It seems he made sure that the guests, if they had to tinkle, could do so in Full Eleganza-a-a-a-a-a-a. Yes, the biggest decorative element at the wedding — besides Kim’s ass — was a 49-foot tall gold box which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right beside the dinner tables, with a bar in front of it and, according to at least one guest the “toilet was the star of the show." In fact, he, and others, called it the Torre di Bagni Oro, the Gold Toilet Tower.

And, just to show how white-trashy Kanye is, he decided that the dinner tables should be made of marble, but instead of place cards, he ordered Italian stonemasons to engrave the name of each guest into the marble. Sadly, though, some names were lost in translation and badly spelled.

Then, four days before the wedding, Kanye ordered 30 life-sized nudes, sculpted black marble, be created and displayed at dinner. Sadly, 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were damaged in transit, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. Still, they were put around the dinner tables until Kanye came to the venue and ordered them moved away. Since each one weighed half a ton, the whole crew spent the final two hours using machines to move Kanye's nudes. In fact, it took so long that the first guests to arrive saw the forklifts moving them.

And the Gold Toilet Tower.

Not to be outdone by Kim Kash Kardastrophe's wedding ... because, by boning her on camera, he made her a celebrity ... Kim's porn movie co-star, and the bane of Kanye's life ... Ray J, got himself arrested for grabbing a woman's ass in a club, arguing with police, and then spitting on a police officer and kicking out the window of a patrol car.

I guess he really really wanted an invite.

I don't know how I missed this one but, back in 2012, it seems there was a sex scandal involving JLo's oldest boy, lover Casper Smart, and his visits to sleazy massage parlors where, ALLEGEDLY, he asked the women for a ‘quick handie’ during his during a rubdown.

That story quickly faded from view, but now we have a new sexy story about Casper cheating on JLo with a "transsexual model named Sofia Vissa” whom he ALLEGEDLY met online and began meeting up, and banging, in the real world. As soon as that story broke, JLo's team tried to shut it down, and it did die out, only to be replaced this week by yet another tale of Casper and a transsexual model named Xristina Marie. 

And this one might put the nail in Casper's coffin, er, allowance. “Sources” claim Jennifer and Casper are on the verge of splitting, and he will be staying home while she travels to the World Cup soccer championships in Brazil.

Hard punishment, because Casper loves Brazil and soccer, and, ALLEGEDLY, transsexual women.

Now, that ain't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but it seems like Casper had one job: take care of JLo and collect some coin, but he couldn't keep Little Casper in his pants.

Chris Brown is out of jail, y'all!

Back in May Chrissy was sentenced to spend more time in jail for violating the terms of his probation sentence for his Rihanna beat-down. He was supposed to stay in jail through June, but he was released at the end of May. He served 108 days of a 131 day sentence and received credit for his 116 days in rehab and this latest 59 days in jail, and so he was released for good behavior.

Here's the deal: his behavior only seems to be good when he's locked up, it's when he's free to roam the streets and beat his girlfriend, and toss chairs out of windows, and punch fans in the face, that his behavior turns bad.

Still, he could go back to jail soon because his trial for punching a fan, with the help of his bodyguard, starts soon.

And let’s end with some JLo.

This week Jennifer Lopez went back to the block to give her old neighborhood a concert and make herself seem like a regular girl.

So, wearing a pair of custom-made $5,000 Louboutins, hiding under an endangered $100,000 chinchilla coat, JLo left her $10,000-a-night Manhattan penthouse hotel suite and took her $500,000 Maybach though her old neighborhood hoping to snap some photos of her adoring former neighbors rushing the car for, perhaps, a glance of her magnificence.

Except that her old neighbors didn’t give a rat’s patootie that JLo was back, and couldn’t have cared less that she was performing in their neck of the woods. It seems only about half of the 25,000 people who received free tickets actually showed up to La Lopez’s first-ever show in the Bronx.

Ouch.  Of course, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — didn’t help her case by surrounding herself with her dancers and sitting on a mock stoop on the stage and singing … singing? ,,, a cappella like she was just hanging round the hood.

Seriously, JLo, you cannot go home again because they don’t want you there.