Snarky Thoughts

I love a good cheating scandal as much as the next queen but I never thought I’d find it on Good Morning America with Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes. Now, the cheaters would like y’all to know that they are not cheaters because “sources” claim they actually started bumping uglies after leaving their respective spouses.

My Thought: But then why did Amy and T.J. just run the New York City Marathon with Amy’s husband. Former actor Andrew Shue,  just a month ago? Doesn’t sound like Shue knew.

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We all know Drake will never be friends with Taylor Swift or anti-Semitic future presidential loser Kanye West, but perhaps it has something to do with his choice of birthday gifts? To celebrate pal DJ Khaled’s 47th birthday, Drake gave his friend FOUR luxurious toilets.

My Thought: Either Drake thinks he and Khaled’s friendship is “in the crapper” or he thinks the two of them are “the shits.”

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I forgave Jennifer Hudson for stealing my vocal stylings and for robbing me of the one role I was born to play … Effie Melody White in Dreamgirls, and for getting a talk show first, but now Miss Thing has crossed a line. Rumor has it JHud and Common might be a thing after Common was seen picking JHud up after filming her talk show in Burbank.

My Thought: ♪ ♫ And I am telling you, I'm not going ♫ ♪ ... to forgive this one so easily.

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I think Madge is not feeling so thirsty this week, but thank the goddesses that Jennifer Lopez is still parched, and still selling her marriage to Ben Affleck as the stuff of which dreams are made. It seems JLo is doing a follow-up to her album This Is Me…Then called This Is Me…Now inspired by her love with Ben. And even better she is said to be desperate to reboot Gigli, that box office and critical disaster that basically ended their romance.

My Thought: Someone get JLo a juice box stat before she remakes this film and ends the love story for the ages ... again.

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Snarky Thoughts

Recently, when a Kid Rock show ran late and was subsequently canceled due to extreme weather, his fans, or is it ‘fan,’  lost their, or his or her, minds, and demanded Kid Rock perform for them. When it became clear Kid Rock wouldn’t, they trashed the venue.

My Thought: I’d have trashed the place while he was performing just to get him to stop the caterwauling.

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lynn Affleck—imagine the day, coming soon I might think, that she has to change that name—are honeymooning stunting in Europe on a “Look! We Got Married” World Tour. But it doesn’t look as if Ben is having the time of his life when he was caught sleeping on the photo tour.

My Thought: Being Mr. JLo must be exhausting.

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Gwyneth Paltrow has been saying for years she doesn’t really miss acting—her last acting job was 2019’s The Politician—and because she thinks anyone cares, or misses a Paltrow Performance, she went on Sunday TODAY to remind Willie Geist, and anyone watching, that she still doesn’t miss the business “at all.” 

My Thought: She’s trying to remind people she’s an actress so some producer will hire her, while the world, and all of Hollywood think, ‘Yeah, we don’t miss you either.’

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Pat Benatar says she’s done performing Hit Me With Your Best Shot during her shows as her “small contribution to protesting” against gun violence. And while she says her fans are not happy with the decision, she’s doing it out of “deference to the victims of the families of these mass shootings.” Pat tells the fans who are pissed off about this to listen to the song at home, dammit.

My Thought: Maybe we should get Britney to stop singing [Hit Me] Baby One More Time. I mean, not because of any violent undertone, but because Britney can’t sing.

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Demi Moore has announced that she will never, ever again let a movie hairstylist take a pair of scissors to her hair for a role in a film. She says if the role requires short hair, get her a damned wig.

My Thought: Demi Moore is still acting? I thought show biz cut her off like they did Paltrow. And if she doesn’t want her hair going under the knife why does she keep letting surgeons do it to her face.

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I guess the newest thing among the self-entitled is to use a private jet to get around town. Kylie Jenner—and this isn’t saying much, but she’s The Dumb One™ in That Family™—does it, and now so does Drake. He has been using his private jet  to take a fourteen-minute trip from Toronto to Hamilton, Ontario Canada which costs some $3,000 in fuel and releases 4 tons of CO2 emissions into the air as opposed to making the drive which is about an hour.

My Thought: Sentence Drake and Kylie to work TSA at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport as punishment.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Adam Levine is leaving The Voice because he’s a pissy little loser.

There, I said it.

And despite Voice host Carson Daly trying to spin it any other way, it’s because of changes made in the show structure and how his whole team was eliminated before the finals.

Hence, pissy little loser.

The Voice introduced Live Cross Battles as a new competition feature and Adam ALLEGEDLY couldn’t handle it. In this new round, two coaches go head to head in a live song ‘battle’ by each selecting one artist from their team to go up against another team’s artist, with the singer’s decided by a viewer vote.

And so, being knocked out of the competition, Adam was forced to sit and pout while the other judge’s teams perform. And since he had no team, he let NBC know that he didn’t think he needed to be at that taping, but showed up nonetheless and was ALLEGEDLY so difficult that he wouldn’t even offer commentary on the other judges’ performers . it was all too much for the Pissy Tattooed Man and he took his ego and went home.

Bye Felicia. And goodbye to that $26 million a year you get from NBC.

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Nothing like a He Said, She Said that boils down to He having to apologize.

As is the case with singer Moby, who has had to apologize claiming in his recent memoir that he dated Natalie Portman after Portman called him out on the lie.

In his book Then It Fell Apart, Moby said he met Portman at one of his concerts when he was 33 and she was 20; he claims Portman flirted with him in his dressing room and a relationship later blossomed.

Portman, however, sees it differently; for one thing, she says she was 18 and he was a creepy 33-year-old man hitting on her:

“I was surprised to hear that he characterized the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school.”

At first Moby pushed back at Portman’s denial and even posted a shirtless photo of himself with his arm around her as proof, but days later, with the whole world laughing at the idea Mobman … Motalie … Portby … he backed down posted an apology.

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Kanye West is back and he’s still talking and still talking like a fool. He recently spoke with David Letterman for his Netflix series, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman, and talked about everything from _____ to creating his own church … or, because he’s really a Kardastrophe, it’s be Khurch … to living in a world where children can “float”.

Isn’t that the premise behind It? But I digress … after talking about all sorts of things, Kanye tells Letterman there is one thing of which he cannot speak: Drake.

See, Drake and Kanye have had social media snit fist with one another for a very long time.

Drake rapped that Kanye “flopped”. Kanye ALLEGEDLY leaked the story that Drake had a secret love child. Drake then ALLEGEDLY threatened Kanye. Kanye dragged Drake for wanting to sample a song. People say Drake said he once banged Kim Kardastrophe … and except for me, who hasn’t?

It’s all very high school girl you stole my boyfriend petty. But then Drake played the last card: he had a lawyer send Kanye a cease-and-desist letter.

Well, then, a big round of applause for Drake because he has educated us all that to shut Kanye up, just get a lawyer and send him a letter.

Now, if we could get Drake to pipe down …

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Could it be that Miranda Lambert has already burned through another husband? It looks like it …

According to sources—most likely a Nashville bartender—Lambert and her longtime husband of almost five months, Brendan McLoughlin, aren’t all newlyweds in love.

Now, it could be because the couple rarely spends any time together since Brendan is a cop in New York and Miranda does something in Nashville, and so they live “completely different lives.”

Or could it be that Miranda realized she rushed into this marriage, hot on the heels of her busting up the marriage between  Evan and Staci Felker before she dumped him?

Or is it because Miranda rushed to the altar after word spread that ex-husband Blake Shelton was close to getting married to Gwen Stefani, and so she quickly married her boyfriend of three months to beat them to the altar and now she’s all “that was dumb”.

Or maybe it’s that Miranda, who apparently wants a baby something awful, never thought that a long-distance marriage would impede getting pregnant. Does UPS ship sperm?

Whatever the reason, Miranda is now moving out of their $2 million apartment in New York and has told friends that marrying Brendan was the “biggest mistake” of her life.

And Miranda should know from mistakes; she makes them all the time. But this one may cost her a penny because rumor has it that there was no prenup.

Uh.Oh.

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I Didn't Say It ...

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It's Snarkurday!

I’ve heard of Cardi B, though I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup or a playlist, but apparently, she’s good for some snark.

It seems new mom Cardi is ALLEGEDLY annoyed with Jade, a bartender at New York’s Angels Strip Club, for ALLEGEDLY sleeping with her husband, Migos rapper Offset. And Cardi is, again ALLEGEDLY, so perturbed by the thought that she has ALLEGEDLY ordered a beatdown of both Jade and her sister, fellow strip club bartender Baddie Gi.

Jade and Baddie ALLEGE that Cardi had been threatening them with bodily harm for months and ALLEGE that when they ran into Cardi in an Atlanta hotel in June, Cardi ALLEGEDLY accused Jade of getting it on with Offset and threatened to whoop her ass, though nothing seems to have come of that.

Then, in August, Jade says that she was tipped off that she was to receive “a beatdown” and, regular as clockwork, the beatdown happened. Jade ALLEGES that five of Cardi’s people viciously attacked her, grabbing her hair, punching her and hitting her with an ashtray; Jade and Baddie G also ALLEGE that they were both attacked at the club at the end of August and that Cardi herself ALLEGEDLY came to see it.

The sisters ALLEGE that in addition to screaming “I’m blood I’ll fuck you bitches up!”, Cardi threw a bottle at them and so they’ve hired a lawyer and are ALLEGEDLY filing a police report—though that should have been step one, ladies.

Now, my question is a simple one: Cardi thinks her man is dipping his wick in a bartender and threatens to beat up the bartender and her sister, who didn’t get dipped into, and then, ALLEGEDLY, has her minions do the beatdown, but why didn’t Cardi give a beatdown to her man? I mean, he was attached to the penis that dipped into Jade, wasn’t he?

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Last week we talked Drake giving smack to Kanye while performing onstage, but I always wondered, what was the beef between the two. Was it Kim? Are the rumors true?

Did Kim Kardastrophe cheat on Kanye with Drake?

See, there are conspiracy theorists who say that Drake’s last album, Scorpion, is full of shady references to the idea that he’s holding back on telling Kanye about how he did the deed with Kanye’s porn star, media whore, wife.

But Kardastrophe sources—and you know it’s That Woman and her Flying Monkeys—say Drake and Kim have mutual friends and have a casual, social friendship, but that they’ve “never had a personal friendship or relationship” and Kim “has never slept with Drake…didn’t happen while she was married and didn’t happen before.”

Kim also took to Instagram to say:

“Never happened. End of story.” 

But … Drake started following Kim on Instagram on Labor Day and we all know what that means.

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It’s no secret that Chris Brown loves to fight; normally he uses his fists, but now he’s using the legal system to fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 4-year-old daughter Royalty, over child support.

It all began when Guzman has hired an attorney to change her current child support agreement. Right now, she gets $6,500 a month for herself … $2,500 in child support …and another $4,000 for a nanny, who happens to be Nia’s mom. Kinda looks like having Chris’ baby turned into a windfall for Nia and her family, eh? But I digress …

Well, that court order is two years old and now Nia wants more coins because Brown earned an average of $4,269,067 a year—roughly $350,000 a month—and she’s entitled to a percentage because $13,000 a month isn’t enough to live on. So, she wants a raise to $21,000 and retroactive child support in the amount of $250,000.

She is claiming poverty—13K a month is poverty level, you know—and says she cannot afford to pay some of her bills, like $3,300 in rent, $3,500 in food, and $4,500 in clothing for her four-year-old child.

Recently, a judge sided with Nia, and she’ll be getting the extra coins, though Chris, and I …yes, I’m siding with Chris Brown …think this is just a coin grab and is fighting back. And he’s using Nia’s own words as a weapon: one of Nia’s examples of being a broke-ass single mother is the claim that she had to ask a friend to take Royalty to Six Flags, because she didn’t have extra money in her budget for the outing.

She couldn’t scrape together the cost of a ticket from Royalty’s $4,500 a month clothing allowance? There weren’t extra coins from her mother’s nanny salary? Nia couldn’t have skipped a meal?

Perhaps Nia should shop at Once Upon A Child and save some money for trips to amusement parks; or maybe, fire the nanny/mommy and take care of her own child on 13K a month.

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Oops ... and ha-ha!

Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop has agreed to fork over a $145,000 to settle a false advertising lawsuit filed against them over the jade vagina egg.

Goop started selling a $66 vagina egg that promised to balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, and prevent depression. To be fair, the egg was basically a paperweight, and so Goop got schooled and fined by the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office for false advertising. They were concerned about the claims made for the health benefits of the eggs, as well as a $22 Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend … flower water … that claimed to “prevent” shame spirals and “depressive states.”

Goop agreed to settle the lawsuit for $145,000 and will refund any customers who wish to get their money back. The egg is still for sale on the website thought the ad now says:

“Used by women to increase sexual energy and pleasure, this nephrite jade stone helps connect the second chakra (the heart) and yoni for optimal self-love and well-being.”

Still sounds like a Goop-styled scam to me.

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Celebrity divorces are almost always drama-filled, but the one between Geena Davis and Dr. Reza Jarrahy might just be the biggest scene of ‘em all because he might not even be her husband!

Escandalo! Reza filed for divorce back in May and asked for joint legal and physical custody of their three children, as well as spousal support; he also asked a judge to block Geena from asking for support from him. 

Well, now Geena has filed and she’s asking the judge to dismiss Reza’s divorce petition, because she now claims they were never legally married.

Oh, there was a ceremony, and cake and dancing, but now, seventeen years later, Geena says their marriage license was never properly returned to the court clerk and under New York law—they “wed” in the Hamptons—that means they aren’t technically married. Geena doesn’t say why their license was never returned, but that it was an “intentional” choice.

Maybe that’s because now Geena can claim that since they were never legally wed, they can’t split any property and she doesn’t owe spousal support. She says that whatever they personally bought, they own, and claims that they always filed their taxes as “single” or “head of household.” As for their money, Geena says they kept separate bank accounts and credit cards.

And as more proof, in 2012, Jarrahy applied for a home loan and reportedly confirmed that he and Geena were “cohabiting” and not legally wed. But he does want spousal support because, he says, they had a wedding and acted like husband and wife, and that’s basically the same thing.

Now, if you’re thinking Common Law Marriage, think again. Geena and Reza live in California, which doesn’t recognize common law marriage.

Reza might try that old standby, palimony, but then Geena could whip out the tax forms where he checked the ‘single’ box.

I’m kinda getting the idea that they never returned the marriage license just in case they ever split, so Geena could keep all of her coins.

Sly devil.

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Les Moonves, facing his own #MeToo scandal, has another scandal to face: from Janet Jackson. And we’re learning about it from that Ronan Farrow New Yorker exposé on Moonves and sexual harassment.

It appears that after that Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake fiasco at Super Bowl XXXVIII Moonves ALLEGEDLY plotted to destroy Janet. Y’all remember that when Justin sang the words “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song” while closing out the halftime show he ripped the top of Janet’s outfit exposing her breast on national TV.

The world went crazy; and so did Moonves.

Timberlake later said that the plan was to rip part of Janet’s costume and reveal a piece of red lace, but we got boob and nipple jewelry instead. And apparently Moonves was incensed by the display and vowed revenge because he just knew it wasn’t an accident, and that Janet and Justin did it intentionally, and also believed Janet wasn’t contrite enough.

Janet and Justin were banned from the 2004 Grammys, which were scheduled to air a week after the Super Bowl, but Justin made a teary apology, and Les accepted it and let him on the show. 

But Janet’s ban remained because she didn’t shed any tears and so Moonves ALLEGEDLY ordered VH1, MTV, and Viacom-owned radio stations to stop playing Janet’s music and music videos. With her album Damita Jo being released a month later, a blacklist would prove costly. 

And it was; then, sources say, Moonves helped to craft the story ALLEGING that TittyGate was all Janet’s fault. And even seven years later, when Janet released the self-help book True You through CBS-owned Simon & Schuster Moonves ALLEGEDLY went apesh*t again.

Now, I am not one to make huge leaps, but a man who might punish a woman because she didn’t bow down to him and kiss his ring over an ALLEGED accident boob baring, might just be the kind of man who thinks women are to be used for his own pleasure.

I’m just saying, Moonves sounds like a typical white privileged male misogynistic pig.

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